To the OP, it looks like some folks here are becoming frustrated with your responses to their thoughtful advice. Given my experience, I thought Id weigh in. Bear with me, because this is a long post (for a long thread). One member noted that you may want to consider therapy and he/she may be right. I say this because it seems like you have a number of interacting issues which are causing you some socio-emotional paralysis. Consequently, youre stuck in a career holding pattern.
One issue that stands out to me is your fear of failure. You seemed to be saying that you worked very hard to get to where you are now, even in your post-bacc program. Unfortunately, you did not gain admission when you applied to med school. Given the work you've put into your extensive education so far, could you be living in fear of failure? You imply that your work so far has been unfulfilling and, by extension, a kind of failure. By deciding for certain that you will pursue medicine at any cost, do you feel compelled to succeed despite the rigors of med school and residency? As someone who will have to give up the better part of your 30s to pursue medicine, do you fear that if you fail, all your efforts will be lost and youll have to admit defeat? Maybe youre thinking that your work so far is a failure and therefore, med school will also be another (rather expensive) failure? These kinds of fears can decimate your ability to succeed, or even to move forward.
If you really want medicine as your career (at the physician level), you simply must decide that you will pursue that goal with everything you can muster. I do not believe there is any magic to this process. You weigh the situation as best you can and then you must choose. Once you decide to go ahead, you should be putting your absolute greatest effort into the whole process, from researching the schools (and types), programs, options, and everything else. Give it 110%. Fear of failure can control your every move and in many cases leave you with virtually nothing in the end. All of life requires some risk-taking.
I am speaking from experience. I too was fearful of failing, so I went into the field of psychology; but that choice was a terrible mistake. Psychology is not the career I wanted. It was merely convenient and mildly interesting. When youre young, that may be reason enough to pursue a career. When youre older, you realize that you have to spend every single day waking up and commuting in to do your work. Your life will be a hell of a lot more bearable when you enjoy what you're doing. Can you choose something outside of medicine and settle for that? Sure, you can. I'm doing it right now. Is this how I want to live every day of my life? No way.
I look back now and wish that before I started my PhD program, I had stopped at the MA-level and jumped right into a post-bacc program. I listened to too many people who said that no 29 year old guy could go to med school because thats just too old. Now, I'm 35 and have wasted these years and I certainly could have been in med school. I wasnt sure, so I didnt do anything except stay on track where I was. Ill even admit that Im not terribly good at what I do because I simply do not find it very interesting. Settling for a different career when medicine is what you really want is not the answer.
If being a physician truly is your passion, you need to find a way around the fear. It's stopping you from reaching your goal. If you truly want it and you're prepared to work for it and make the sacrifices, you can do it. Once it's over, you're a physician forever. Each day you can wake up and say that you are doing something you love. How many people really get to say that? In my experience, very few. My daughter's pediatrician is 80 years old but she sees patients 2 days per week because she loves it so much.
Now that I've waited all these years, belaboring the point, I am still not a physician and now Im 5 years older. Had I quit grad school, decided on med school, and just DONE it, I would be nearing completion of my MD by now. Instead, I am stuck in a job I do not like, finishing a PhD dissertation I couldn't care less about; and it was all preventable if I hadn't given in to the fear of failure. Now, I have long way to go to catch up.
I hope this helps you, OP. You seem anxious, confused, and even a bit depressed. You sound like youre making excuses to avoid having anyone tell you Yes, you should give it another go and get yourself into a med school. Once you have that answer, you will be obligated to see it through. Then, youll truly be tested to your limits. Youve done a lot in your life and you can earn your MD too, but you have to decide and then fully act on that decision. A previous poster said you have to take a leap of faith. I think thats totally true.
Seeking a good therapist (you will need to shop around) with whom you can work on these issues may be what you need. It could have you back on track in a few months, ready to conquer your fears. You could be graduating as an MD or DO in 5 years! If that thought thrills you, you really should consider mastering your fears by working with a professional, and really making a solid commitment to go out there and get what you want.
I think I also resisted being a physician for many years of my life. I went every which way but that direction. However, this is not to say that I didn't benefit from that resistance. On the contrary; it's been a very rich and fulfilling ride, to say the least. Then, like you, when I realized that there really wasn't anything else that could fill that desire in me, I made it happen.
