Hi all,
I'm sad to even be posting this, because only a couple of years ago, my life felt so stable and mapped out. Now I'm barely sure of what I want anymore.
I have just finished my second year of a 6-year UK medical degree. I received 4 offers for medicine, and at the time it seemed like the right career. I wanted a stable career in which I could use my intellect, benefit other people and not have to worry about money or live in poverty as my family often had to when I was younger.
Thinking back to first year, I absolutely hated the whole year. I almost failed my exams and my medical school recommended I seriously considered my position and whether the career was right for me. I became defensive and didn't want to let on that I was unsure in case they kicked me out. I did consider changing at this point, but I felt I hadn't given medicine a good enough shot to leave. I hadn't studied very efficiently and people told me things would improve. I was also only 18 as I started medicine at age 17.
Second year has been a lot better for me. I studied more in the first semester and actually gained a fairly good result. I studied a lot in the second semester too and received a poor result, although I still passed. I have gone through phases of convincing myself that I am enjoying the course and will enjoy this career. I do like the interaction with people and listening to their most personal concerns, but I do not feel as competent as I would like and I feel ever-consumed by a profession which doesn't even fit with my personal identity at all.
My main issues are:
1) I am not a scientist.
At school, as you can imagine, I was strong in all subjects, and gained As in all. It wasn't until I reached a level difficult enough that I realised I was better at essays and the humanities than science. I sometimes feel like a fraud because although my knowledge of clinical medicine is alright, I really have no strengths in biology or chemistry at all. Other people feel passionate about certain drugs or discoveries whereas I am indifferent.
2) I find medical culture off-putting.
Some people I have met in medicine are the nastiest, most spiteful I have ever met. Others just bore me and I probably bore them just as much. I don't feel at home with other medical students and find many of them egotistical and self-centered. Obviously, this isn't a damning indictment on everyone, but it is the prevailing culture from my experience. I have been insulted and spoken cruelly to in ways which I have never met in the rest of my life.
3) The training is so long and arduous.
I don't feel like I am experiencing the world and all it has to offer in my medical degree. I am sitting learning tedious details about subjects in which I have no interest, such as histology, microbiology, anatomy. Some specialties do interest me, but I question whether I just see them as bearable or whether I actually have passion for them. I also don't want to have to waste my youth studying until consultancy.
4) The rest of my life feels so constricted.
I don't feel as free to travel, try different jobs, or experience the spontaneity of my life as my peers. If I followed a conventional medical path, I see my future as dull. I want to learn new languages, live abroad, meet wonderful people and take random turns.
5) I feel incredibly stupid much of the time.
After previously feeling like I had flair in my work, I now find medicine quite hard and boring. I know many anecdotal pieces of important evidence, but I don't feel like I have systematically learnt information. My anecdotal pieces of evidence can sometimes impress others when I am asked things by consultants, but I feel a fraud because I have a poor understanding of much of what we have learnt so far.
In light of my list of reasons, you might wonder why I am considering staying in medicine at all. So I will explain my opposing feelings:
1) I did placements in psychiatry and A&E and did actually enjoy them at the time.
I took some very good histories and presented some cases to consultants which they found impressive. My communication skills definitely shone through, although in A&E I could barely remember how to properly assess an ECG and again, felt like I lacked a solid foundation of knowledge. Looking back, however, my gut is uneasy when thinking of these placements. This is quite confusing because I left them feeling positive and energised. The mind is a strange identity, I suppose...
2) I question whether I would feel the same about other professions.
Perhaps when one ruminates regarding his profession, it inevitably raises doubts and concerns. Would I be happier doing something else? Perhaps. But there will likely be a whole host of other challenges which I haven't considered at the moment. For example, people say that the corporate world can be very vicious too and there can be a lot of back-stabbing for promotions. So perhaps medicine is normal amongst high-powered jobs.
3) I have already invested two years in this degree.
Changing to another degree is slightly terrifying and would change my life trajectory significantly. I am quite unsure which path I would follow and the possible financial insecurity worries me. At least with medicine, I would have the financial security to manoeuvre if necessary. If I quit my degree, changed to something else and ended up poor, then my options might be even more limited.
4) Medicine, more or less, does help people.
I am no longer dead-set on having a humanitarian, life-saving profession, but I still like the fact that medicine does have a net positive benefit on people. In looking at other professions I wouldn't mind doing something corporate or low-impact, but I wouldn't want to pursue anything which is exploitative of other human beings.
5) Even if I finish my degree or finish FY1/2, I could still change to another profession.
I know doctors who have entered business, banking, law and NGO work. Perhaps I am not restricted as I think- or am I? I think the fear of only being able to do medicine is making me most down right now.
6) Perhaps I will feel more accomplished when I am a practising doctor.
Although I know my status as a thinker rather than a scientist will always remain. I am a communicator, writer, logician and creative. I will never be fascinated by cellular processes or by histology!
Specialties which interest me are psychiatry, A&E, GUM, GP, public health. I definitely don't want to do any type of surgery or anything which involves significant histology or microbiology.
Other degree subjects which interest me are English, history, philosophy, theology, psychology, anthropology and law. I think these all interest me more than medicine, although, with the exception of law, I am not sure the resultant careers interest me greatly.
Other careers which I am considering are: Law (of all genres, I wouldn't do only medical law); corporate work, in finance, banking or business; journalism, broadcast and writing; academia, in philosophy, anthropology, psychology or similar subjects; and NGO or Think-Tank work, such as in the UN Human Rights office. I have theoretically concluded that all of these careers would still be possible even if I have a medical degree - see Michael Mosley, for example. But it still makes me question whether pursuing this degree is sensible.
My passions are travel, reading and theatre. I enjoy reading sociological and political articles online. I like learning interesting things, meeting new people and gaining new experiences.
Two very important factors in my liking of a job would be the friendliness and intellect of my colleagues, and its location in a nice city. Feeling respected, valued and relaxed at work is exceptionally important to me - I cannot emphasise that enough. The content would also be important and ideally, I would do something interesting and high-paying.
If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading the outpourings of my soul! I would appreciate some words of advice, previous lessons, or experiences, although obviously, this decision is mine and mine alone to take, which makes it all the more terrifying. I do feel a little depressed at the moment at the prospect of my life and whether I will live as boldly and happily as I would like, but being back home and on holiday is helping a bit.
Thanks again...
I'm sad to even be posting this, because only a couple of years ago, my life felt so stable and mapped out. Now I'm barely sure of what I want anymore.
I have just finished my second year of a 6-year UK medical degree. I received 4 offers for medicine, and at the time it seemed like the right career. I wanted a stable career in which I could use my intellect, benefit other people and not have to worry about money or live in poverty as my family often had to when I was younger.
Thinking back to first year, I absolutely hated the whole year. I almost failed my exams and my medical school recommended I seriously considered my position and whether the career was right for me. I became defensive and didn't want to let on that I was unsure in case they kicked me out. I did consider changing at this point, but I felt I hadn't given medicine a good enough shot to leave. I hadn't studied very efficiently and people told me things would improve. I was also only 18 as I started medicine at age 17.
Second year has been a lot better for me. I studied more in the first semester and actually gained a fairly good result. I studied a lot in the second semester too and received a poor result, although I still passed. I have gone through phases of convincing myself that I am enjoying the course and will enjoy this career. I do like the interaction with people and listening to their most personal concerns, but I do not feel as competent as I would like and I feel ever-consumed by a profession which doesn't even fit with my personal identity at all.
My main issues are:
1) I am not a scientist.
At school, as you can imagine, I was strong in all subjects, and gained As in all. It wasn't until I reached a level difficult enough that I realised I was better at essays and the humanities than science. I sometimes feel like a fraud because although my knowledge of clinical medicine is alright, I really have no strengths in biology or chemistry at all. Other people feel passionate about certain drugs or discoveries whereas I am indifferent.
2) I find medical culture off-putting.
Some people I have met in medicine are the nastiest, most spiteful I have ever met. Others just bore me and I probably bore them just as much. I don't feel at home with other medical students and find many of them egotistical and self-centered. Obviously, this isn't a damning indictment on everyone, but it is the prevailing culture from my experience. I have been insulted and spoken cruelly to in ways which I have never met in the rest of my life.
3) The training is so long and arduous.
I don't feel like I am experiencing the world and all it has to offer in my medical degree. I am sitting learning tedious details about subjects in which I have no interest, such as histology, microbiology, anatomy. Some specialties do interest me, but I question whether I just see them as bearable or whether I actually have passion for them. I also don't want to have to waste my youth studying until consultancy.
4) The rest of my life feels so constricted.
I don't feel as free to travel, try different jobs, or experience the spontaneity of my life as my peers. If I followed a conventional medical path, I see my future as dull. I want to learn new languages, live abroad, meet wonderful people and take random turns.
5) I feel incredibly stupid much of the time.
After previously feeling like I had flair in my work, I now find medicine quite hard and boring. I know many anecdotal pieces of important evidence, but I don't feel like I have systematically learnt information. My anecdotal pieces of evidence can sometimes impress others when I am asked things by consultants, but I feel a fraud because I have a poor understanding of much of what we have learnt so far.
In light of my list of reasons, you might wonder why I am considering staying in medicine at all. So I will explain my opposing feelings:
1) I did placements in psychiatry and A&E and did actually enjoy them at the time.
I took some very good histories and presented some cases to consultants which they found impressive. My communication skills definitely shone through, although in A&E I could barely remember how to properly assess an ECG and again, felt like I lacked a solid foundation of knowledge. Looking back, however, my gut is uneasy when thinking of these placements. This is quite confusing because I left them feeling positive and energised. The mind is a strange identity, I suppose...
2) I question whether I would feel the same about other professions.
Perhaps when one ruminates regarding his profession, it inevitably raises doubts and concerns. Would I be happier doing something else? Perhaps. But there will likely be a whole host of other challenges which I haven't considered at the moment. For example, people say that the corporate world can be very vicious too and there can be a lot of back-stabbing for promotions. So perhaps medicine is normal amongst high-powered jobs.
3) I have already invested two years in this degree.
Changing to another degree is slightly terrifying and would change my life trajectory significantly. I am quite unsure which path I would follow and the possible financial insecurity worries me. At least with medicine, I would have the financial security to manoeuvre if necessary. If I quit my degree, changed to something else and ended up poor, then my options might be even more limited.
4) Medicine, more or less, does help people.
I am no longer dead-set on having a humanitarian, life-saving profession, but I still like the fact that medicine does have a net positive benefit on people. In looking at other professions I wouldn't mind doing something corporate or low-impact, but I wouldn't want to pursue anything which is exploitative of other human beings.
5) Even if I finish my degree or finish FY1/2, I could still change to another profession.
I know doctors who have entered business, banking, law and NGO work. Perhaps I am not restricted as I think- or am I? I think the fear of only being able to do medicine is making me most down right now.
6) Perhaps I will feel more accomplished when I am a practising doctor.
Although I know my status as a thinker rather than a scientist will always remain. I am a communicator, writer, logician and creative. I will never be fascinated by cellular processes or by histology!
Specialties which interest me are psychiatry, A&E, GUM, GP, public health. I definitely don't want to do any type of surgery or anything which involves significant histology or microbiology.
Other degree subjects which interest me are English, history, philosophy, theology, psychology, anthropology and law. I think these all interest me more than medicine, although, with the exception of law, I am not sure the resultant careers interest me greatly.
Other careers which I am considering are: Law (of all genres, I wouldn't do only medical law); corporate work, in finance, banking or business; journalism, broadcast and writing; academia, in philosophy, anthropology, psychology or similar subjects; and NGO or Think-Tank work, such as in the UN Human Rights office. I have theoretically concluded that all of these careers would still be possible even if I have a medical degree - see Michael Mosley, for example. But it still makes me question whether pursuing this degree is sensible.
My passions are travel, reading and theatre. I enjoy reading sociological and political articles online. I like learning interesting things, meeting new people and gaining new experiences.
Two very important factors in my liking of a job would be the friendliness and intellect of my colleagues, and its location in a nice city. Feeling respected, valued and relaxed at work is exceptionally important to me - I cannot emphasise that enough. The content would also be important and ideally, I would do something interesting and high-paying.
If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading the outpourings of my soul! I would appreciate some words of advice, previous lessons, or experiences, although obviously, this decision is mine and mine alone to take, which makes it all the more terrifying. I do feel a little depressed at the moment at the prospect of my life and whether I will live as boldly and happily as I would like, but being back home and on holiday is helping a bit.
Thanks again...
