While Sumstorm and I do not share the same perspectives nor attitudes on this like many things
, I will have to agree that it can be done with
some accommodations on both parts.
Why doesn't is suprise me that you would disagree with me about my stated belief in equality of roles in marriage?
My husband married a strong, independent woman. I have experience my share of hardships and tragedies. While that means I have really high standards for how labor is divided in our household, it also means when his life was shattered three years ago, I kept all the pieces tied together for both of us over the next two years. The year before that (our first year of marriage) I also took care of all the chores...he traveled so much for his career he was never home to help (the few days he was home he came in after 11pm and left by 8am the next day) whether that was shoveling out the cars from 4' of snow or cooking meals. Now, he gets to return the favor....he gets to do some of the extra work to keep it all working smoothly. For us, that included dealing with an $800 post tax a month pay cut, because I didn't have time to figure out where all we could cut corners, contact internet providers, cancel and reduce services, etc.
However, by focusing on what we both enjoy the most, what is most important for each of us each month/week, we can handle the stress of living apart, of visits, of family and friends swamping our together time, of drastic lifestyle and economic changes...because we share our goals and dreams and support each other in what is important to each of us.
In the long run, is it really important that I have dinner prepared and ready when he gets home? I use to all the time (I love to cook) and packed his lunches and prepared his breakfasts. But a decade from now, he won't remember whether I cooked the roasted chicken or it was picked up from the grocery.... and I bet within a month he won't remember who picked it up or served it. Now, I do other chores, ones he use to do, like cleaning the gutters at home over fall break, or changing car oil...the ones that I can fit into the chunks of time that I have available to contribute (and that he doesn't get around to because he visits up here on weekends). And when he is up here, he often cleans carpets, washes windows, and makes this home more pleasant for me. For me, that is what a relatioship is about, both partners giving thier best the majority of the time, embracing balance and exchange, prioritizing the most important things to each, and accepting and even disregarding the less important things.
Obviously, if we didn't share some core values, we wouldn't have married. He had other options, he could have found a wife who was raised in a different cultural tradition, who would have been happy without a career, but there are trade offs in that path as well. I had other options, I could have married a man who wanted every minute of my time, and did all the outside chores that I enjoy.
The people in my class with kids aren't complaining about lack of time for kids. Their children range in age from newborn (1 month) to older teenagers. OK, the newborn's dad isn't so happy about lack of sleep...but.... that would happen with or without vet school. I think all the spouses work. I do think one difference for a lot of them is that they have been in undergrad recently, so their kids didn't come into this experience without some pre-emptive experience. Also, I do think those students prioritize differently....they aren't shooting to ace classes, they don't stay around for study sessions, they study at home with thier kids, they don't participate in as many wetlabs. And thier spouses believe in their career aspirations as much as they do. One of my classmates has arranged volunteer trips with her two eldest kids, one to a pet rescue, and the other on a vet mission trip. These will give the kids a chance to contribute, share an amazing experience with their mother, and she will still get the experiences she needs. It takes creativity, flexability, balance....but it is possible, and it doesn't have to be a poorer exerience.
If your SO is not willing to compromise on anything then there may well be problems developing in your future if you choose to follow your current attack plan. But then again, I should not speak. After 3 years of living 1300 miles apart while I did grad school, my wife came to her senses and decided she was better off without me. The day before I got my first acceptance, the poor fool! No seriously she is better off w/o me, and will make far more $ than I will, or did as well before my change of life decision. She simply was not willing to move in order to accommodate my wishes, nor give up the good money our former career made us.
