(To be read in the voice of Fred Thompson from "Law and Order", with just a touch of Boss Hog)
Dear Citizen:
It is a personal and profound honor on behalf of me and my congressional colleagues to heartily congratulate you on your sacrifices and patriotism in this, our pressing time of need. As you are no doubt aware our country is currently engaged in an epic struggle to bring democracy to Central Asia and the Middle East, requiring daily expenditures of nearly $200 million. At the same time expenses in the wake of hurricane Katrina are severely hindering our ability to make appropriate budgetary allocations to this and other endeavors. Critically, some misguided liberals have used these contingencies as excuses to call for the end to the trillions of dollars in "Tax Relief" for the most financially productive Americans...just when it's needed most!
With these concerns in mind we take immense pride in the patriotism of you young men and women as we in congress increase the interest rate on student loans to 6.8%. Just as an illustration of your generosity any patriot taking out a loan of $150,000, to be repaid in 10 years at a rate of $1726/month, will be making a "donation" of an extra $13,000 over the life of the loan. The true patriots on the 25 year plan, who will be paying $1041/month, will be contributing an extra $39,000! These honorable men and women will not only have the distinction of being listed under the title of "Benefactor" in the Profiles in Freedom section of the Halliburton corporate newsletter, but ALSO will receive a hand-stamped Certificate of Appreciation from Americans for Tax Reform chairman Grover Norquist himself.
Whether you are a struggling student, Medicaid recipient, or paralyzed veteran, don't think we in congress are unappreciative of your dutiful patriotism. Through generous monetary sacrifices like yours, not only can we continue to "Let Freedom Ring" in the oil-laden developing world, but also allow the most financially productive members of our society the ability to be even more productive.
God bless you Citizen,
And God bless the United States of America.
🙂
Dear Citizen:
It is a personal and profound honor on behalf of me and my congressional colleagues to heartily congratulate you on your sacrifices and patriotism in this, our pressing time of need. As you are no doubt aware our country is currently engaged in an epic struggle to bring democracy to Central Asia and the Middle East, requiring daily expenditures of nearly $200 million. At the same time expenses in the wake of hurricane Katrina are severely hindering our ability to make appropriate budgetary allocations to this and other endeavors. Critically, some misguided liberals have used these contingencies as excuses to call for the end to the trillions of dollars in "Tax Relief" for the most financially productive Americans...just when it's needed most!
With these concerns in mind we take immense pride in the patriotism of you young men and women as we in congress increase the interest rate on student loans to 6.8%. Just as an illustration of your generosity any patriot taking out a loan of $150,000, to be repaid in 10 years at a rate of $1726/month, will be making a "donation" of an extra $13,000 over the life of the loan. The true patriots on the 25 year plan, who will be paying $1041/month, will be contributing an extra $39,000! These honorable men and women will not only have the distinction of being listed under the title of "Benefactor" in the Profiles in Freedom section of the Halliburton corporate newsletter, but ALSO will receive a hand-stamped Certificate of Appreciation from Americans for Tax Reform chairman Grover Norquist himself.
Whether you are a struggling student, Medicaid recipient, or paralyzed veteran, don't think we in congress are unappreciative of your dutiful patriotism. Through generous monetary sacrifices like yours, not only can we continue to "Let Freedom Ring" in the oil-laden developing world, but also allow the most financially productive members of our society the ability to be even more productive.
God bless you Citizen,
And God bless the United States of America.
🙂
