I didn't have time to reply until now, but upon reading your post, at least you finally have a happy ending since according to your status, you're a verified physician. So despite all the setbacks you experienced, you were still able to become a physician. Were your third and fourth years different from your first two?
Yes and no --- I liked 3rd year but was scared spitless that I didn't know jack --- turns out all the studying for boards helped -- got a few looks from some of the PGY2s who had been graduating when I entered med school that read ,"Shut up, you're embarrassing the intern" so I had to filter it. Most of the time, I was close to the same age as the attending or older -- once they found out I was a second career student, most of them thought it was really cool (guess they thought engineering would be fun/cool) and I kept hearing comments how medicine must be soooo much easier than engineering --- uh, No --- I really liked my attending surgeon and it was very, very hard to resist his efforts to recruit me into surgery; same thing with my 2nd month IM attending -- real damned hard to resist becoming a hospitalist --- but back then I had a low opinion of my medical knowledge and was running a bad case of imposter syndrome. I think that's what tanked me on my exams first year. I had a guy that was like number 2 or 3 in my class that kept telling me prior to exams that I knew more about the material in depth than he did but I was a full letter grade below him score wise -- no idea why, likely just choked with a lack of confidence in my knowledge.
I liked 3rd year because it was more about getting the job done and working with people --- I've got a very outgoing personality and can generally strike up a conversation with just about anyone -- comes from moving with the USAF all the time during childhood -- and I always worked hard to make the teams job easier, even if it was something simple like bringing in breakfast every now and then --- you'd be surprised what hot chow and coffee can do for team spirit when you've been getting your butt kicked. I also tend to learn by doing but need supervision my first time or 2 until I learn the ropes so 3rd year played to my strengths -- I was also able to focus my studying over a small area which helped.
4th year was ok but it was more of a blow off -- at that point, I didn't want to screw something up and fail a rotation so I picked easy rotations close to home in the latter part of the year and scheduled 3 months away for my audition rotations early on so that I could finish my 4th year living at home with my children again and get back to some semblance of a normal life with them.
FWIW, I'm out now and the mind games are still going on --- I've recently been having a rough run of clinic patients so I asked a senior physician (30 years in practice) 2 questions:
1) How do you deal with the frustration that comes from difficult patients -- not medically difficult but difficult to deal with --- his answer: drink heavily or down some valium (he was kidding) -- pretty much his view is that they come to him for his professional advice and pay for it -- if they don't want to follow it, that's their issue, it's their money so he doesn't let it get him worked up or bust his butt trying to convince them. Another physician with about the same amount of experience just gives the patient whatever they want as long as it's not contraindicated or illegal. I'm likely going to adopt the first tack (not the drinking/valium part but the latter half of that statement).
2) How long did it take you to stop feeling like you were missing something/gain confidence in your treatments? -- his answer: about 5 years out of residency -- said he would go home every night and read up on patients he saw that he had questions about and when he referred to a specialist he would make sure to read the notes that they sent back to see what they did.
My point with that -- it takes a while before you quit questioning yourself and feel comfortable doing what you're doing -- the day you think you know it all, watch out.....
Anyway, not trying to derail the thread.....
