What is the funniest thing you've heard pts say ?

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What is the funniest thing you've heard pts say in the OR or anywhere in your career ?
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One time, while eliciting a family history, I had the following exchange:
Me: "Anything that you know runs in your family?"
Patient: "Syphilis."

Had another one (when I was a med student) who had lisinopril listed as an allergy. When I asked what her reaction was, she said, "Oh, I got swelled up like a mongoloid!" And my attending walked around the OR suite singing Devo's song "Mongoloid" for the rest of the day.

Had a patient a few months ago who'd been arrested (just a minor offense kind of thing, nothing hard-core). He had a corrections officer with him, whom we got into scrubs and brought with us to the OR. When we woke up the patient after surgery, he started jabbering in a friendly tone.
Patient: "Yeah, you guys are awesome! Man, thanks for fixing me up. Holy @$&!, dude, I'm all #$&@ed up! Hey, is Officer Wilson still here?"
Corrections officer: "Yeah, bud, I'm right here."
Patient: (to me) "Yeah, that's my guy Wilson. @$&!, man, that guy's hung like a #$&@ing donkey!"
 
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After the versed, I had one block patient say "he's not really my baby's daddy" as the man who clearly thought he was the father of her child left the prep room.
Ive also been proposed to several times and had a few lewd comments and suggestions tossed my way. last proposal was from a guy who had a fancy crystal salt shaker shoved up his rectum. when I turned him down he said "but I'm tons of fun!"
I also had a botched suicide attempt last christmas time. Old guy tried to kill himself by shooting up through his mouth. All he did was get hard palate and shoot out his eye as he got the angle wrong. He was otherwise fine. I asked him how he was doing and he said in the perfect grumpy man old voice, "how do you think Im doing, I can't even do this right!"
 
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amyl said:
After the versed, I had one block patient say "he's not really my baby's daddy" as the man who clearly thought he was the father of her child left the prep room.
Ive also been proposed to several times and had a few lewd comments and suggestions tossed my way. last proposal was from a guy who had a fancy crystal salt shaker shoved up his rectum. when I turned him down he said "but I'm tons of fun!"
I also had a botched suicide attempt last christmas time. Old guy tried to kill himself by shooting up through his mouth. All he did was get hard palate and shoot out his eye as he got the angle wrong. He was otherwise fine. I asked him how he was doing and he said in the perfect grumpy man old voice, "how do you think Im doing, I can't even do this right!"
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maybe your screen tag led him on?
 
After taking a patients dentures before a general anesthetic his buddy said, "careful, I might not give these dentures back!"

The patient replied, "Oh, it don't matter. I can gum the hell out of a hamburger."

#Skills

Sent from my XT1710-02 using Tapatalk
 
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Once in residency had a patient whose profession was an erotic, trashy novel author.

After the versed hit she started saying to anyone who would listen that I was going to be her next protagonist.

Had a delay in the room so we had to hang in holding for awhile, nurses thought it was hilarious so they kept asking her, “Now who did you say is going to be in your next book?”

Fun times.
 
Pt wakes up: "I knew my doctor was Matthew McCouaughey!"
Me (to myself): "Man this diet is awesome!"
Nurse/Wife/Everyone Else: "Go a little heavy on the Ketamine, Dr. Chz?"
 
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Redneck dad on OB asked if everything looked good on the “fetal fart monitor”
 
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I was wondering if a pt is "out of it" and says something of concern like admitting to a murder, do you just let it be or say something?
 
I had one patient who woke up in the PACU and the nurse called me cause she couldn't understand anything he was saying.
He was speaking German... but we knew the guy cause he worked at the hospital and knew he spoke English.

Found out after about an hour, he had been learning German at home and I guess that was what was in his head when he woke up...
 
Not the funniest, but off the top of my head I remember a patient asking me “Am I going to get incubated?”
 
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The funniest thing I heard was when a patient said "CRNAs are just as good as anesthesiologists."
 
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So was wondering if this has happened to anybody else...

I have had quite a few patients, both male and female, that started going for their junk during induction. Usually either the propofol and/or paralytics kick in before they act. However, one time when I was taking care of a youngish/muscular dude for cardiac surgery, he got in a couple good/vigorous yanks. When he finally went unconscious, I saw the young nurses face completely mortified.

Pretty dam funny. Happened to anyone else?
 
a funny story I heard from someone was when a pt was in PACU and started naming the nurses random names as they walked by.
 
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Not funny, but the most memorable conversation I've ever had with a patient was with a Tuskeegee Airman. We had a room delay, and for over 30 minutes in pre-op holding he talked about flying his red-tailed P-51 Mustang, escorting the bombers over Germany, and aerial battles with German fighter planes. I noticed his obituary in the news a few years ago and wished I could have attended the service to pay my respects.
 
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A guy once blabbered on about how he has sex with pigs. It was the weirdest 5-10 minutes of my life thus far.
 
One of my former partners was inducing a particularly large patient with the classic basketball head. The guy goes to sleep, and my partner starts trying to mask him which proves difficult. In frustration, my partner says,
"God, this guy's just got such a big head!"
The patient opens his eyes and says
"No you got a big head!"
and then promptly goes back to sleep. He had no recollection of the event.

I had an 80+ year old frail little lady who, after finishing a femoral block in preop holding loudly said
"Can someone cover my tw*t!"

I also had a mid 40's excessively loquacious female for a carpal tunnel. Substance Hx, some type of "fitness instructor" that did not stop talking from the moment she hit preop until she went to sleep - you know the type - fell asleep mid sentence. At the end of the case literally as the LMA comes out she finishes the sentence she was 1/2 way through when she fell asleep. She continues to gab for the next couple minutes before finally looking down at her had which is wrapped in Kerlix/Ace/etc. She says
"How is Dr. ---- supposed to work on my hand with it all wrapped up like this??"
Scrub tech: "Ma'am, your done. The surgery is over."
Patient: "Well f*ck you, bitches!"
 
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Monty Python said:
Not funny, but the most memorable conversation I've ever had with a patient was with a Tuskeegee Airman. We had a room delay, and for over 30 minutes in pre-op holding he talked about flying his red-tailed P-51 Mustang, escorting the bombers over Germany, and aerial battles with German fighter planes. I noticed his obituary in the news a few years ago and wished I could have attended the service to pay my respects.
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Wish I could have been there for that. That sounds awesome.
 
I was putting my neighbor to sleep for a kidney stone and I said to him as I was pushing the propofol “Matt, is there anything you want to say before you go off to sleep?”

He says “There’s 10 thousand dollars buried in my backyard” and boom he’s gone. We all had a few laughs over beers in his back yard a week later.


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Large young girl with country accent about 20 mins after some stadol in labor, close to delivering @8cm upon sitting up, "I need to take me one of them big old country dumps!!". I walk out nurse checks her says we still have time, she repeats her "need" 30 or so times while placing the epidural. Always wondered what she would have said with more meds onboard!
 
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I had a cesarean pt ask me to put my habpnds on her breasts as soon as her husband left the OR with the baby just a couple weeks ago.
 
Noyac said:
I had a cesarean pt ask me to put my habpnds on her breasts as soon as her husband left the OR with the baby just a couple weeks ago.
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#metoo
 
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Noyac said:
I had a cesarean pt ask me to put my habpnds on her breasts as soon as her husband left the OR with the baby just a couple weeks ago.
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Man how did she get stuck in the hospital for a couple weeks after her husband left with the baby
 
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Noyac said:
I had a cesarean pt ask me to put my habpnds on her breasts as soon as her husband left the OR with the baby just a couple weeks ago.
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Shoulda gone for the full motorboat. If anyone objects, just tell 'em your doing skin-to-skin.
 
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After removing an LMA on a young female: "Are you on Instagram? Because you're awesome!"
 
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When I was a resident, I had a patient who opened his eyes, smiled, and said, "Heated blankets and chemical dreams" as soon as I took out the LMA.
 
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I will say, sometimes I think patients try to be funny and cute, as it would make for a ‘good story’, when it is fully contrived...
 
About 5 minutes ago had to reposition EKG leads for a cerebral angio/coiling.

70 year old female deadpans, “Go on ahead, I know you’re going them them titties. Get your fill.”
 
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I had a guy tell me in depth how his wife used a dildo on him while he was getting a colonoscopy under MAC. I immediately slammed 200 of propofol home and shut him down.
 
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A smiling lady in my clinic in Arkansas with a thick southern accent, said to me "Well doc, I got my testes back". This stunned me into silence as I searched for a response. I considered saying "I'm so sorry" or "I suppose we need to operate again- you know how stubborn those can be" or "I had no idea you were a TG". Just as I was beginning to perspire, thinking about the imminent genital exam and not being able to come up with a retort, she began calmly discussing the potassium level being low and that she was anemic. It then dawned on me that pleural of test in Arkansas is not tests, but testes.
 
My favorite actually wasn't from a pt, but from a PCP. The H&P form asked, among many other things, ASA status. PCP writes -- in that tiny space! -- "NO ASA! Pt undergoing surgery!"
 
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yobynaes said:
UH OH, yeah, i don't get it.
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Pretty sure pgg was responding to the comment, 'I have had quite a few patients, both male and female, that started going for their junk during induction. Usually either the propofol and/or paralytics kick in before they act. However, one time when I was taking care of a youngish/muscular dude for cardiac surgery, he got in a couple good/vigorous yanks. When he finally went unconscious, I saw the young nurses face completely mortified.'

It turns out, that dexamethsone has been known to cause intense perineal pain or itching. So, if the dexamethsone is given first, they're gonna grab their junk.
 
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Back in the Pentothal days, I had a young lady on the table for a tubal ligation.

After the drug was in her. She looked up and said, “Can I change my mind?” Then went unconscious and apneic.

We put a mask on her, started to bag her, and said “Now what the hell do we do?”

Called legal department. They said, “Whatever you do, don’t sterilize her.”

Woke her up. She had been so anxious getting ready preop, had no recollection of her saying anything, of course. She was really pissed that we stopped because now she had to go through a night of anxiety again.

Brought her back next morning for another go at it.

She announced loudly, “No matter what I say, I really want this. Don’t listen to anything I say.”

Luckily, she didn’t utter a word and she got her operation.
 
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It turns out, that dexamethsone has been known to cause intense perineal pain or itching. So, if the dexamethsone is given first, they're gonna grab their junk.
Click to expand...

wow, ok, that's news to me. fascinating.
 
16yo girl admitted to heavy marijuana use as I was pushing the propofol home right before her fess. Begged us to not tell her mom in preop as she was laughing hysterically.
 
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