what should I do?

[vikary]

Hey y'all,
This is my first time posting so be kind. I need some honest advice. My entire college career, I thought I wanted to become a doctor more than anything. Is it possible to overdo it? I was a crazy obsessive compulsive studier who shut out everybody. Eventually I became depressed and couldn't recognize the person I say in the mirror. I hated who I became. Also, I was doing well in orgo 1, 92 on the first test. However, I am doing horribly in physics. I study hours and hours with no sleep and I get to the test and blank out. Counselors have told me that I try to hard. I have always done well. I had to withdraw. I don't know what's going on but I feel as if I am so confused about what to do with my life that I am going to have some kind of break down. I have crying spells, sometimes when I drive to school. But I keep trying because in my mind, the goal in the end would be worth it. I guess I have also been wondering if all along I was doing what I thought was expected of me all my life, so that I never actually knew what I actually wanted. I can tell you that for those who are fortunate enough to be admitted, that it is such a great accomplishment, and for those who believe that they really want it and never get there, it is the hardest thing to face.

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[evines]

Hey you, turn that gator frown upside down!! Physics sucks at UF, lots of people have trouble with that class.
It is definitely possible to overdo it, because you just did. Sounds like you need a vacation, so good thing one is coming up, right?
I felt pretty miserable my first couple years in college, then took a year off to figure things out. It was the best thing I ever did academically. I found myself again during that year. Something to consider.

 

[Califlower]

Hey, I know what you mean. I was an uber-geek in HS, and knew nothing outside of textbooks and school. I think spending some time off and getting a clearer perspective on my life helped big time. I think you might need a little bit more time than winter break, although it would be best if you don't stop attending school altogether.

Spend some time relaxing and focusing -- try yoga or something. But investing time into yourself will be the best investment you can possibly make at this point, obviously when you're in too deep to quit and too far from the goal. Recharge yourself -- you'll be a happier, sane-r person. Good luck.

 

[rose123]

Vikary,
I am a little concerned about your post. Are you still seeing a counselor? If not, it wouldn't be a bad idea to have someone to hear you vent out your frustrations. Like Califlower and yourself, I was a terrible overachiever my entire life. Evines is right though, UF Physics is tough. It has a drop out rate because it isn't an easy subject, and it sounds like you are overdoing it. I suggest taking time off to relax and recollect. You may find that you want to pursue another career in nursing for NP, pharmacy, physical therapy, etc. The possibilities are endless. Or you may find that after some soul searching, you want to do something completely out of the medical field. It is possible that you want to pursue medicine because you were expected to be a doctor because you were a bright student, but pursuing something because it's expected will not make you happy in the end. This is your life, not your parents, not your peers. In the end, you can find happiness. And to those who feel like life is over and stop living because they didn't get into medical school...that is just sad.

 

[Amy B]

I am really sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult time. I was in your shoes a few years ago. I HATED Physics and still do. I tried and tried but never understood a thing. I knew it was going to affect my MCAT and I was right. My PS was the lowest score out of all my scores. It really sucked. ANd I knew there wasn't a darn thing I could do about it.

I got a B in Physics I, but during II I was going through an awfultime in my life. My grandmother all of a sudden deceided she awas ready to die even though she was healthy. She basically starved herself to death and we had to sit by and let it happen. I was in Physics II along with Orgo II, Physiology, and 2 more general classes, I was studying for the MCAT as well.

I struggled and struggled through the class. Some how I got a C in the class even though my gradmother died during my final exams. I almost had a D. I knew no matter what I did I would never understand it. I even paid for a tutor, to no avail. Did it almost keep me out of med school? Almost but I didn't give up. I told my interviewers that I never understood Physics and probably never would. I told them I understood the physics related to the human body such as flow through vessels but couldn't grasp the parts that only an engineer would care about.

My point is, this may be the class you never understand and that is ok. Don't beat yourself up about it. Just take it and work the hardest you can but without beating yourself up.

I think if we are being honest I would dare say that most of us have a subject that we do horribly in and never grasp the material. If you can take it and try to at least get a D, as long as the rest of your transcript looks good, I really wouldn't worry about it. I really feel for you and hope you can get through this obstacle and achieve your dreams.

Please don't give up. It is a long hard journey with many roadblocks. You just have to overcome them and keep going. Sometimes you can find yourself crawling, but at least you are still moving forward.

Good luck.

 

[acretinmelon]

I don't have anything terribly helpful to add, but I just wanted to say, I hear ya. Hopefully the vacation and the holidays will work some winter magic for you. Take a walk, enjoy the snow if you've got it, and definitely have a chat with your counselor.

 

[vikary]

I really do need the time off. I have never really gave myself any kind of break. It's really made me think about what I want in this life. I am always trying to live up to some person that just doesn't exist. What's worse is I find it hard to get out of bed in the morning and I am always so tired no matter how early I sleep. You might be right rose123 about me wanting medicine because it was expected of me. I really don't know what I do want but it's so stupid but the more I say your career does not determine your worth, there is this little perfectionistic person in me saying "prove that you can do it." I know that sounds crazy but I am sure in this forum of over achievers, I am not alone (even though they may not readily admit it). It's a hard realization.

 

[skypilot]

Originally posted by vikary
But I keep trying because in my mind, the goal in the end would be worth it. I guess I have also been wondering if all along I was doing what I thought was expected of me all my life, so that I never actually knew what I actually wanted.

I would just say don't be afraid to give yourself a break to figure out what you really want to do with your life. In fact, judging by your posts I would say that you need a break and it would really do you some good. Take a couple of years off. Yes, years. Maybe volunteer in a foreign country or teach English or join the peace corps. Medicine is not going anywhere and you will be a better doctor after broadening your experience.

Enjoy the journey because if you are expecting a big pot of gold when you become a doctor it will not be there. There will be just more work and more stress than you ever imagined. It is your own life to craft however you want it. Even though there is tremendous pressure to conform to a certain way of living you will be much happier if you follow your own path and learn to enjoy what you are doing at the moment.

 

[spumoni620]

take a hiatus from the excessive studying...grades are important, but not as important as your well-being and stability. start volunteering and spending the time you take off helping others. explore opportunities at free health clinics and medical relief projects - hopefully these experiences will not only spark that "fire" to help others again, but you'll also feel automatically better when you're really making a difference in others' lives.

i hope you feel better and achieve your goals. best of luck.

 

[Snowfairy1004]

I think a break sounds like it could be in order. Can you take a semester off from science classes and do some in the summer instead? How about travel abroad? Things will get better!