What to tell GF

[Triangulation]

Well, my app process is so slow I feel like I'm going backwards in time, unfortunately for the rest of the world it's moving forward just fine.

Scenario:

My GF lives in So Cal,and I'm in Nor Cal and we're planning on being together by Fall of this year, problem is I don't know where together's gonna be, bc I haven't heard anything yet. She graduates in June and needs to worry about finding a job (this is a big deal to her and it's a priority, out of principle I suspect, to her family,) but she can't really worry about securing a job if she doesn't know where I'll be. The way things are going, if they go well, I won't know anything until August. I guess if I get rejected summarily I'd know B4 but that doesn't seem so hot either.

Anyone got a similar sitch? I feel pretty sh#t!y about this whole thing, but I can't really be helpful about it b/c it's out of my hands.

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[Lecular]

Um, I would think that you'd know where you'll be going by March or May because most schools should have made their decision by then..well unless you're waitlisted.

 

[Jalby]

If you have a number one school, I would recommend sending a letter of intent where you explain the situation and telling them you would move there in June if accepted. I'm sure that would help you tons if you are on a waitlist.

 

[kutastha]

I'm not sure what the problem is. If you guys are planning on living together wherever you're going to medical school, why doesn't she get a summer job til you find out? Then if she's going with you wherever you go to med school, she can find a job there. Maybe I'm missing something.. what advice are you asking for?

On edit - I notice that you mention it's important to her family that she finds a job. What does she want? How does that factor in to you what you want? Are you two serious enough to live together? I ask because if so, it's time for her to do what it is she wants and what's best for you both, not what her family wants. Furthermore, if it's to a point like this, you two should have already discussed the options and what's best for both of you.

Andrew

 

[still waiting]

I hear your pain Triangulation. I'm in a less uncertain position but feel just as trapped at times...I too have a boyfriend who's waiting for my med school decisions to come in so we can plan our lives together a year from now, and we won't know for a while where I'll get in. RIght now we're an ocean apart but I'm sure it'll work out. Anyway, my advice is simply to both apply to jobs/med schools in similar places, and then see who gets accepted where. It's freaking hard to get a job post-undergrad nowadays, and even harder to get into med school, so if either of you lucks out... then thank your lucky stars and go with your dream job/school. That's the hard part - getting the actual job / actual med school offer. Worry about that first.

 

[jase133]

I'm actually in a similar situation, except that my girlfriend already has a job and looking for a new one to relocate to wherever I am going.

It really depends on your girlfriend and if she will follow you. This is basically what we are asking of them, for them to "follow" us around the country.

In my situation, it is actually even harder because we're talking about moving to another country, albeit a country so close. Nonetheless, it is difficult given that obtaining VISAs for US work, etc, may be difficult.

We'll see what happens. Best of luck to you.

 

[saffron]

hey, i hear you guys. my boyfriend and i are in a similar situation. i have gotten in thankfully, but he's not sure what he wants to do next year. it's really hard when one person is uncertain or both are...we finally reached the conclusion that more than likely we cannot live in the same city after graduation...we're going to just enjoy our last sem. in college and try to deal with the options as they unfold in spring...(like having a long distance relationship, etc.)

it's best to not get too stressed about things that are out of your control right now...just go with the flow, and if you two are meant to be, it'll work out. at least, that's what we're telling ourselves...

 

[A. Caveman]

Originally posted by saffron:
[QB at least, that's what we're telling ourselves...[/QB]••

I give you guys 6 months, tops.

 

[UCLA2000]

I don't know about 6 months, but I think that as soon as the stressors of med school kick in, you'll probably realize that you need to move on in ur life.

 

[merlin]

Ahh, that situation is quite familiar. My wife is waiting to apply to a masters program until we find out where I am going to med school. The advice I have given her and the advise I will give you (take it or leave it) is for your girlfriend to start looking for jobs in the cities that you have interviewed in. For me at least, I don't have all that many options (NY, Boston, Chicago, Columbus), so for my wife, there are really only four cities to apply for graduate school. I don't know what your girlfriend does for living, so maybe this is completely useless, but something to think about. Don't worry, my wife didn't listen to this either. She is just going to wait and see. I hope everything works out for you two. Cheers.

 

[nitemagi]

Tri-
since you're planning to stay on the west coast, there's only so many major areas where she'd likely find a job, particularly in respect to where you've applied. I agree she should start looking in some of those places. And you probably know by may, though it hasn't looked too promising for us august mcat'ers.

 

[amonkeybutt]

i completely agree with merlin. that's exactly the advice i was going to give tri until i saw it had already been given. your girlfriend sounds like a go-getter and i'm sure would like to plan ahead for post-graduation, so i would apply NOW and figure it out later. who knows, she might find an awesome job somewhere and that might affect your decision on where you want to go. i guess i'm just the sort that would not want either party to feel like they were being held back by the other, especially if down the road, you two have any sort of problems, you might begin resenting each other for your decisions now. anyhow, if i were her, i would apply now to any cities you are considering and then after the job offers and med school acceptances come, decide where "we" want to end up.

 

[Triangulation]

Thanks for the advice all. I guess to bring more to light, she's pre-law working on a second major that pertains to the discipline of law she wants to practice. She's really into internships as a means of paving the way for a good job, so she would like to find one that could turn into a job. On top of that, she's definitely trying to find a job post-grad that'll beef up her law school app which she's freaking out about. To clarify: She wants to work for at least a year and then apply to law school.

To Kutastha: it doesn't fly like that. Her family is great, and I'm never going to "not care" about what her family thinks. Granted their decision doesn't dominate our destiny, but it is important to me and us. I was simply after people's thoughts on the matter, bc I figured a lot of people must be in a similar scenario, and could impart there ideas.

She's gonna follow me, but I'm trying to make this as good for her, me, and us as is can be.
Still Waiting I like your advice. I've been thinking about something along those lines, and it seems like the most strategically sound.

She's currently interning for Caltrans, so I figured if I land up anwhere in CA there are options, but the process is looking so ****!y right now, I don't know what to think, but I appreciate the help guys!!

 

[kutastha]

Originally posted by Triangulation:
•
To Kutastha: it doesn't fly like that. Her family is great, and I'm never going to "not care" about what her family thinks. Granted their decision doesn't dominate our destiny, but it is important to me and us. I was simply after people's thoughts on the matter, bc I figured a lot of people must be in a similar scenario, and could impart there ideas.•••

At no point did I ever once state you should "not care" what her family says. I said "What does she want? [...] it's time for her to do what it is she wants and what's best for you both, not what her family wants" If you two are serious about one another you both need to work together so you both can compromise in order to achieve a common goal, which it sounds like you're trying to do. I guess you get to an age where you need to realize your own dreams, not those of your parents. Perhaps I say these things since I'm a touch older than the average applicant and have lived with several different girlfriends during my application processes. We worked together to answer all those 'what if' scenarios and you begin to realize it's your own life that lay in front of you.

And actually, I'm curious, what do you mean by 'their decision' when you refer to her family?

Andrew

 

[Dr. Kermit]

Triangulation-

I was in a similar position to your girlfriend last year. My boyfriend decided to apply to law school at the end of our junior year. He had a fairly good shot at many of the top 10 law schools and is currently in Philly. At the same time, I had just finished up MCATs and was getting my paperwork together when I received my April scores. They were horrible and I was completely devastated, but I retook them and decided to wait a year to apply. We both knew that I didn't work my butt off for four years to just apply all over the place and get in somewhere and that I wanted to have some med school options.

So, he went ahead and started applying to schools and while we both knew that he would make an attempt to stay on the east coast, it was a high possibility that he may go to Chicago or California. In the mean time, I was trying to find jobs and it was getting difficult because many either wanted more than a year committment or wanted me to give them a response after an offer within two weeks. I finally decided to return home to Pittsburgh to work for Pitt so I could afford to apply to med school and hopefully save some money.

To make a long story short, yes, we had some problems early this year. Right after he went to school, we argued a lot with the transition of my being home, being lonely (all my friends are either still in school or have moved away), having a less than desirable boss, and dealing with AMCAS and his transition to law school. But, we've worked out many of our problems despite the five hour difference.

My advice to you and your girlfriend would be to go ahead and start defining your options. Tell her where you've applied and once your interview offers and acceptances start coming in, she can also start determining where you guys might be. The one problem that you may encounter is waitlist. For my boyfriend, it came down to waiting until July to know that he wouldn't be in NY and would definitely be in Philly. So, you two need to be prepared for that option.

And of course I have to give you the happy ending. Currently, I'm in the position where I've been offered two acceptances in Philly and I'm waiting to hear from NY schools. So, ironically I may be the one who while I waited to be near my boyfriend, I may also be leaving him again. But, two hours of distance is better than 5

Anyway, I've had some experience with the whole law school process which fortunately is a little more numbers biased, so if you and your girlfriend need some advice on law schools near a potential med school, I'd be more than happy to offer any help.

Good luck

 

[Dr. Kermit]

Oh, I also forgot to add that it is very important that since you're probably still around 22/23 to tell our parents that yes, you're young, but you know into what you're getting yourself involved. My parents are the typical strict and ambitious Asians and my boyfriend is caucasian. My family situation hasn't been ideal with my older sister having a baby when she was 19, so they always worry about me. But, once they saw how serious my boyfriend and I were (we've been together almost three years) and they watched us work through our differences, they started to support my decision to wait a year more and more. And, now that they know I'm going somewhere next year, they don't think that I made a complete mistake by waiting a year to apply. I also think they didn't mind not paying for my application fees and travel costs! I really do wish you the best of luck and hope everything works for you.

 

[Triangulation]

My bad Kutastha. I didn't mean to 'put words in your mouth' so to speak. I'm one of your biggest fans on this site. Congrats on your acceptance (Vermont,right?) I'm gonna feel like crap if I just messed that up.

I too have lived with a former GF, so I know how that can work. It looks to be headed in the direction of cohabitation w/my current GF, who's the absolute greatest.

As far as "the decision" I'm only referring to her parents thoughts on the matter.

nitemagi You've got that right about us Augusters gettin' slapped around. I'm hatin' this.

amonkeybutt: That's definitely somethin' I think about. I don't want to feel like I'm holdin' her back or pushing her aspirations further away. She's committed to following me, and that's what I want, but I've definitely flogged myself about what you brought up.

 

[Triangulation]

Yeah Kermit. She and I are both Asian-Americans (fourth generasian, so we've lost a lot of the strictness, but held on to the ambition.) Her parents have been ridiculously supportive of us, so I'm more leary about freaking them out then worrying about repercussions or anything. My sitch is dicier, bc I applied late (verified in November,) and have heard nothing after 2daries. It sounds like things are going well for you. That's great.

 

[watto]

It could be worse. One of my best pals got married last year to a guy who matched at Mayo for his residency program. She did not know he even had it on his list. He thought it was such a long shot, it would never be a factor. Well, they had been living in Chicago since that is where her law firm was, and unfortunately Rochester, MN, is not the booming metropolis it once was so my friend was unable to find a law firm there with a contracts department (her specialty).

To make a long story short, she kept her job in Chicago, he took the Mayo residency, and she flies to Roch every Friday and back again on Monday for work.

Have I not mentioned that THEY ARE MARRIED?

The moral of the story: the relationship continues to work out quite nicely, and, though they wish they could be together more often than they are, they realize that some separation is a necessary, temporary, evil. Emphasis on "temporary." So even if the worst-case scenario is temporary separation, it can be remedied some time in the future when you both know what is going on with your respective careers.

 

[kutastha]

Originally posted by Triangulation:
•My bad Kutastha. I didn't mean to 'put words in your mouth' so to speak. I'm one of your biggest fans on this site. Congrats on your acceptance (Vermont,right?) I'm gonna feel like crap if I just messed that up.

I too have lived with a former GF, so I know how that can work. It looks to be headed in the direction of cohabitation w/my current GF, who's the absolute greatest.

As far as "the decision" I'm only referring to her parents thoughts on the matter. •••

No problem Triag - I just wanted to make sure you understood what I was saying. And yes, it is UVM. Thank you.

Good luck. Just do what's best for both of you.

Andrew

 

[saffron]

hey caveman, just thought i should clarify...i think its good to make plans, but not before either person knows where he/she is going to be or what the options are! my boyfriend and i are very committed to each other...maybe my tone or words sounded more casual than intended...

you'd be surprised...i've known so many people that are so die hard, like everyone is so sure they will get married, etc, that end up breaking up. yet i know other people that were more rational and practical about their options and somehow end up making it work.

to the OP- i second everyone else's thoughts. tell your gf to search for jobs in cities you might possibly be in, even though you don't know exactly where you will be. it might be reassuring to her and will give her a place to start, which is better than everything being up in the air...good luck

 

[Triangulation]

Saffron,
Thanks for your comments. I'm a seasoned veteran at LD relationships, which is why I'm trying so hard to be done w/them. I did it for 2 yrs in the past as an undergrad and have now done it for 6 mos with my GF now. It sucks, but it's worth it if they're the right one. The thing is she really, really doesn't like LD, so we're desperately plodding thru this. At any rate, you can make it if you dedicate yourself to it, which'll be a tall order during med school, but definitely do-able.
I've got the ingredients for an excellent conversation w/her.

 

[Dr. Kermit]

Originally posted by Triangulation:
[QB]Yeah Kermit. She and I are both Asian-Americans (fourth generasian, so we've lost a lot of the strictness, but held on to the ambition.) Her parents have been ridiculously supportive of us, so I'm more leary about freaking them out then worrying about repercussions or anything. QB]••

Wow that's awesome, my parents are still in the mind set where they'd disown me if I wanted to live with my boyfriend before we were at least engaged. Which is a bit hypocritical considering they claim it's because it's not in their culture, but I know at least two or three of my aunts/uncles that lived with their current spouses before tying the knot!

Anyway, where else have you applied beside CA schools? I don't mean for you to list all of your schools, but is it a possibility that you may not end up in CA (your state has crazy admission rates)? Does your girlfriend realize she may doing a 1000+ mile move? Is she willing?

 

[Triangulation]

No, my parents kinda know the drill b/c I lived with someone else for a couple years B4 this, and my GF's sister lives w/her BF currently. Initially, my mom wasn't really into it when I lived w/someone B4, but I think she kinda acquiesced to the idea that this is how it happens these days. My dad didn't really sweat it either way.

For your other ?, I have CA residency. I only applied to west coast schools, which are all stupidly competitive. The only out of state places I applied are schools that only like their own residents (OHSU and my alma mater Univ. of WA) I grew up in a different state that was much less competitive for its med school, where my parents are, so I have residency ties, but I wasn't willing to leave the west coast to apply there. My narrow scope is hurting in a bad way right now. And your last ?, she's planning on following me which would be at most from So Cal to Washington state, but that still places me squarely in my inital quandary, but I've got a bunch of folks' advice now to help sort thru it.