When should my wife and I have a child?

[Oldman JB]

I start med school this fall. My wife and I (29 and 30yrs old respectively)would like to have children in the near future and waiting until after I graduate is probably longer than my wife would like to wait. Anyone have advice as to when the "best" timing might be? Should we target the summer after first year? After Step 1? Or should we just consider ourselves insane and wait 4 years? Obviously my wife's pregnancy will not affect my studies much, but a newborn will affect both of us. Assuming finances are not a factor in this decision, does anyone have advice for us? Thanks!

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[Keg]

I start med school this fall. My wife and I (29 and 30yrs old respectively)would like to have children in the near future and waiting until after I graduate is probably longer than my wife would like to wait. Anyone have advice as to when the "best" timing might be? Should we target the summer after first year? After Step 1? Or should we just consider ourselves insane and wait 4 years? Obviously my wife's pregnancy will not affect my studies much, but a newborn will affect both of us. Assuming finances are not a factor in this decision, does anyone have advice for us? Thanks!

As someone who plans on waiting to get married until after matching, take what I say with a grain of salt...

But I would say that you should target the beginning of the summer after first year. Otherwise, you'll have the short break after Step I (depends on the school, but I understand that most places it's ca. 2 weeks if you schedule the test like most people) before you start clinicals. So I'd either shoot for (no pun intended) a due date of either early June 2007 or early April 2010.

 

[Labslave]

Helping your wife take care of a newborn baby during third year rotations would be practically impossible. Hence, just as the previous poster suggested, the summer between first and second year would be ideal. Second on the list as for most convenient times would be anytime during 4th year rotations. Although you'll be interviewing for medical school, the workload is a lot lighter as compared to third year.

 

[jennyboo]

Honestly... there is no good time. But here are some landmarks during my four years of med school and how they were for me -- hope this helps.

M1, 1st semester: The main difficulty here is that most people are freaked out for the first three months of med school. The time commitment is really no different from your M2 year or even the second semester of M1, the main problem is that you haven't gotten efficient yet and are still very nervous because you're new at med school.

M2: You're more status quo and you've gotten more used to your schedule. It's the same as M1, but you're less freaked out about it since it's gotten old. The M2 year is pretty stable.

M2, May-July: The month studying for Step 1 would be a horrible time to be a new dad. If baby's due date is around that time, you might consider moving your Step 1 date. This is one of the only two times when I would say you would absolutely have a hard time if baby was born now. But you can always reschedule Step 1 (but possibly have to start rotations late).

M3: Despite what a lot of people say (you're in the hospital all the time, blah blah blah), I found that I had MORE time outside of the work day. M3 is like a 9-5pm job (except that it's generally 7-5 or 6pm, or 5am-6pm during surgery or OB, give or take a few weekends). You cannot be at home, but you wouldn't be at home if you had an office job either. Plenty of people (guys anyway) manage to be new parents in this type of situation without huge compromise to their career. Don't believe what an M1 or M2 tells you about how impossible it'll be to do anything during M3. M3 is not as much ass-busting as you'd think.

M4, away rotations: If you do these, you'll be out of town for a month at a time.

M4, interviews: These tend to happen in November, December or January. Some people spread 'em out, others take an entire month off and interview day after day (exhausting). If you take a month off, you'll lose a month's vacation time unless you find a way to get "credit" for it. This is the other time when baby's birth would cause havoc -- you cannot easily reschedule these interviews. However, you can just schedule all your interviews for a different month from baby's due date.

M4, any other time: Same as M3 but with shorter hours for the most part.

 

[squareDR]

Ah yes! My dilemma exactly. My husband and I are planning for me to give birth the day after spring finals my first year.
That way, I can have two months to recover and freak out about being a mom. The second (or first, if the previous plan falls through) child will have to be during fourth year which is pretty laid back after you get mandatory rotations and interviews over with.

 

[Oldman JB]

Thanks for the advice so far everyone! This is great!! I have been tending towards 3rd year for a couple of reasons. I am apprehensive about starting school like most others I would suspect--I also figured that I would have little time after class during M1 and M2 because I would be studying non-stop. From a female medical student prospective Summer after M1 makes most sense. From a male prospective, I want to have the most time to spend with my wife and child, and I was thinking M3, after Step 1. I dont know...its alot to think about...

 

[Baby Einstein]

I have to agree with other posters that after Step 1 would be the worst possible time. Right after the end of your first year would be ideal, if you're ready. You'll have the whole summer to adjust to your new life and new role as a dad, and plenty of time to help mommy. That's when I'd try to have my second child if I wasn't afraid of being pregnant during anatomy. Not a problem for you, obviously...

I honestly don't think you'll be able to have your wife wait until after you're done to have her first child. When we, women, catch the "baby bug", we just can't get it out of our heads...

Unwanted advice: if she's not going to stay home with baby, you should tour daycares while you're TTCing, and get on the waitlist as soon as she gets pregnant. It's VERY difficult to find a good daycare for an infant, depending on where you live. Some centers in my area have a 9-12 months waitlist!!! It's easier for toddlers and older kids.

Other unwanted advice: if your wife is breastfeeding, no matter what, never ask her if baby slept through the night. If you didn't hear anything, it's probably because you snored like a drunk dirtball while she got up 4 times. Can you tell it's experience speaking here?

 

[Labslave]

Heh, another word of unsolicited advice: Please don't say "we're pregnant" ("we got pregnant back in March") when your wife totes around your kid. My friend (who is a guy) does this all the time and it's just awkward and annoying. And stupid. Thanks (and good luck again!).

 

[Doctor Octopus]

Don't have them at all. I'm sad to say that is my opinion. And while you are at it, get divorced. On the other hand, I might be a little biased by my own experiences.

 

[Miami_med]

If money isn't an issue and your wife can stay home, any time will work aside from Step 1 or interviews (From what I've been told of interviews). You will have obligations, so make sure your wife understands that she will shoulder a disproportionate share of the child care load. That being said. Medical school is probably an easier time than residency, so sooner is better than later IF money isn't an issue. I have some personal experience.

 

[Wednesday]

My daughter was born the spring of my third year. I asked my school not to send me out of town for any of my cores (so I could support the pregnancy) and I put everything hard (ie anything with surgery in it) that summer and fall and ended with medicine, family practice (during which my daughter was born) and psychiatry. I was unable to do an away rotations at the beginning of fourth year, but other than that I think it was the perfect time. After the experience of having a new baby in the house, I think it would have been very hard to study the first two years if I had had one and you really need that selfish time to study. And third year is very busy, at least the surgery parts but there is less sit down and study for hours at a time, which is the part I don't think I could have done with an infant (and definitely not with a toddler). Be careful if your wife says she will do everything by herself. NOT realistic and NOT fair to her or you. She will likely take the brunt of the sleeplessness however, so make sure you are both cool with that. It is defintely doable but you will have to make some sacrifices. I disagree with the above poster who said to forget it. If you want to do it (and are realistic about how much your life is going to change) it's one of the best things in life that you can do. Good luck with everything!

 

[Doc Oc]

Ah yes! My dilemma exactly. My husband and I are planning for me to give birth the day after spring finals my first year.
That way, I can have two months to recover and freak out about being a mom. The second (or first, if the previous plan falls through) child will have to be during fourth year which is pretty laid back after you get mandatory rotations and interviews over with.

Are you planning on being pregnant during anatomy? If so, you might want to ask your school about their views on risks to the fetus (controversial).

 

[Doc Oc]

Your wife's pregnancy might affect you - she could be sick/on bed rest, etc. Also, aim for a conception date where months 7-9 wouldn't be at a difficult time for you.


My view on giving spouses a "disproportionate load":

As medical students, we are busy. Yes, very busy. But if you want your marriage to last, quickly dispel from your mind the idea that being a medical student somehow makes one more important than their spouse. There will be times when contributing to the household is next to impossible for the medical student. Those times should be specific, as in "next Thursday", or "Saturday before 8pm", and not "February" or "this fall". It only take a few minutes to toss in a load of laundry, take out the trash, pick up a jug of milk from the store, etc. My unsolicited advice is to learn now, yes, during that hellish 1st year, LEARN NOW how to share the load with your spouse.


Our baby was, um, colicky, to say the least. I have stayed home with him (was already out of the match due to illness), and I'm telling you, caring for a newborn all day is much more difficult than any day I spent in med school. For those first few months, your wife will not get to sleep when she is tired, eat when she is hungry, or pee when she has the urge. A day where she takes a shower AND brushes her teeth AND eats a hot meal will be monumental. Of course, you could get one of those easy babies, and I hope you do. The worst thing you could do though is be unavailable to help your wife, who I guarantee will be just as exhausted as you are as a medical student.

 

[el_chavo]

I would just add that as much as we think we can plan for these things, you can't always plan exactly when you are going to have kids. Unless you've tried to get pregnant before, there's not saying you will be able to do it in the time frame you've set. Just something I've learned.

 

[fun8stuff]

anybody have any views about being a dad in residency. i have had former instructors tell me not to be a dad until after residency when i can make more time... but the thing is, i don't know if i want to be a new dad at 32+!

 

[kcdiener]

n

 

[Peter Griffen]

I wasn't able to plan any of this. My wife is due November 5th!!!! I actually found out about my acceptance to UW about 5 hours after I found out she was pregnant. For some reason I couldn't sleep that night

 

[Aggiemaj]

I have been reading everyone's responses, and unfortunately everyone is right ... it just depends on how you want to work it! When I started med school, I had an 8 month old. There was no "transition" between my usual studying and studying as a mom - I just started as a med student mom! We decided that since we planned the first one so efficiently, we would plan the second one for at the end of second year. The problem with planning is that when it initially works out, but then you miscarry six weeks later, you realize that you sometimes just have to let life run its course and just LET GO. I had my second child during the middle of my third year, and I couldn't have planned a more perfect time.

Talk to your wife about it, talk with other med students at your school to see what duties are like during your clinical years, and make the decision that's best for your family!

 

[ADDchild]

Your wife's pregnancy might affect you - she could be sick/on bed rest, etc. Also, aim for a conception date where months 7-9 wouldn't be at a difficult time for you.


My view on giving spouses a "disproportionate load":

As medical students, we are busy. Yes, very busy. But if you want your marriage to last, quickly dispel from your mind the idea that being a medical student somehow makes one more important than their spouse. There will be times when contributing to the household is next to impossible for the medical student. Those times should be specific, as in "next Thursday", or "Saturday before 8pm", and not "February" or "this fall". It only take a few minutes to toss in a load of laundry, take out the trash, pick up a jug of milk from the store, etc. My unsolicited advice is to learn now, yes, during that hellish 1st year, LEARN NOW how to share the load with your spouse.


Our baby was, um, colicky, to say the least. I have stayed home with him (was already out of the match due to illness), and I'm telling you, caring for a newborn all day is much more difficult than any day I spent in med school. For those first few months, your wife will not get to sleep when she is tired, eat when she is hungry, or pee when she has the urge. A day where she takes a shower AND brushes her teeth AND eats a hot meal will be monumental. Of course, you could get one of those easy babies, and I hope you do. The worst thing you could do though is be unavailable to help your wife, who I guarantee will be just as exhausted as you are as a medical student.

Good advise. I'm a 32 year old second year(starting 3rd) Father of a 6year old and a 2year old with a wife that is a lawyer and works full time. Sometimes it's hard to remember that I'm not the most important person in the house.

We planned our second child to be born 6 months before I started med school so I could stay at home with him. The first couple months are the hardest period as far as I'm concerned. For me second year was harder than first. If your wife doesn't work then the summer between second and third year might be good. I also heard that fourth year Is a "not so bad time". Just remember in third year you'll be on call for school and that you and your wife will be on call every night for the baby.

Also if your wife goes thru a nesting period just go along with her. If not she'll remember it the rest of your life.

 

[squareDR]

Are you planning on being pregnant during anatomy? If so, you might want to ask your school about their views on risks to the fetus (controversial).

Can you expand on the risks?

 

[Nodelphi]

I have a friend who had a child during his residency and for what it's worth he now wishes he'd had a child during his time in medschool. You have more free time than you think.

 

[Doc Oc]

Can you expand on the risks?

I don't know the actual, proven risks to a human fetus, and it seems like you'll get a different answer depending on who you talk to.

The diener of the anatomy lab at my school says that some of the chemicals used in preserving the bodies and the junk that you spray the body down with everyday are teratogenic to rats (or some small lab animal). He says that although there haven't been any reports of former pregnant anatomy students birthing three-armed babies or kids with higher rates of leukemia, etc., he just doesn't feel comfortable having pregnant women in the lab because of the animal data.

On the other hand, a resident that I knew was in her first trimester during anatomy while attending my former school. The school tried to bar her from taking the course, she fought it, and eventually was allowed to take the class. She told me that there is no proof that human fetuses are affected by the fumes from those chemicals.

So again, I don't know the risks, and haven't read any of the research myself, but apparently there are studies out there that one could use to make an informed decision regarding the safety of pregnant women in the anatomy lab. If anyone does look into this, I'd be very interested in knowing "the rest of the story"

 

[Nodelphi]

Can you expand on the risks?

It's a well known fact that zombies attack pregnant women first.

 

[Psycho Doctor]

I wasn't able to plan any of this. My wife is due November 5th!!!! I actually found out about my acceptance to UW about 5 hours after I found out she was pregnant. For some reason I couldn't sleep that night

why am i not surprised you couldn't sleep? Congrats and all the best!

 

[Psycho Doctor]

I don't know the actual, proven risks to a human fetus, and it seems like you'll get a different answer depending on who you talk to.

The diener of the anatomy lab at my school says that some of the chemicals used in preserving the bodies and the junk that you spray the body down with everyday are teratogenic to rats (or some small lab animal). He says that although there haven't been any reports of former pregnant anatomy students birthing three-armed babies or kids with higher rates of leukemia, etc., he just doesn't feel comfortable having pregnant women in the lab because of the animal data.

On the other hand, a resident that I knew was in her first trimester during anatomy while attending my former school. The school tried to bar her from taking the course, she fought it, and eventually was allowed to take the class. She told me that there is no proof that human fetuses are affected by the fumes from those chemicals.

So again, I don't know the risks, and haven't read any of the research myself, but apparently there are studies out there that one could use to make an informed decision regarding the safety of pregnant women in the anatomy lab. If anyone does look into this, I'd be very interested in knowing "the rest of the story"

i would also think a nauseous feeling pregnant woman is not going to fare well in anatomy lab.

 

[Baby Einstein]

Can you expand on the risks?

Contact your school and ask them for their official policy AND ask your professors for their personal opinions. It's often different! Definitely research the subject before making a decision. Teratogenicity seems to be controversial, but I've read several reports of increased miscarriages (which is probably related to early teratogenicity, I would think).

We contemplated having another baby right at the end of first year, which would make me pregnant throughout anatomy. We decided against it, even though my OB thought it would be OK as long as it wasn't in the first trimester. To us, it was an unnecessary risk to take, even if the risk is small. You only get one chance with that child.

Honestly, as a mom, I would discourage you from doing that. It would cause you a LOT of stress and worries. You will be stressed enough about the pregnancy and the baby (and adapting to medical school) without adding all the chemicals. I was never the worried kind, until I got pregnant. I've never talked to a mom who wasn't anxious waiting for the results of her quad screening. Once you are responsible for this other life, you become very protective and you'll do everything in your power for your child to be healthy. Look at all the junk food addicts who all of a sudden become vegetarians eating only organic food the second they're pregnant. I took night classes for 8 months before the pregnancy and would walk at 9 pm to the far end of the parking lot by myself without giving it a second thought. Once I was pregnant, I always called campus security or had someone walk with me. It's hard to explain, it must be a survival instinct.

Personally, being pregnant during anatomy would make my pregnancy a nightmare just because of the stress. And if you add morning sickness on top of that... It's a very personal decision. Good luck to you.