Where Do Parents Fit Into the Mix?

[inhiding]

As we speak, I'm taking a year off before applying to medical school and I'm living with my parents. Don't wish to disclose too much about the situation for privacy reasons.

Basically, I'm really concerned about my parents' mental health. My dad is sick (physically and mentally) most of the time and my mom has to act as his caregiver. This relationship is a strain on them both. While my mom has realized the severity of my dad's condition, my dad, it seems, has not. He thinks that he is perfectly healthy and believes that we (the family) are trying to attack him for suggesting otherwise (in fairness to him, sometimes the suggestions are not phrased quite as nicely as they should be -- the atmosphere is very tense). My mom, on the other hand, is entirely overwhelmed by the amount of work she has to do to take care of him, even when I'm helping out.

Right now the only thing that's keeping them sane at all is having 'the kids' around because we are a shared 'goal' for them (I have a younger brother who is going back to college in the fall).

Are any of you scared to leave you parents for medical school? Are you worried that your world might just implode when you leave? Do you have psychiatric/psychological resources that you can make available to them? My parents are both pretty stubborn about not seeking psychological help...

I'm at my wits end I love my parents very much, but they are very stubborn people and they are making themselves miserable. I'm worried that if I go away to medical school the added loans will only create more of a strain for them.

How do you plan to help ease the burden on your family during medical school?

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[nonesuchgirl]

Your parents are not your responsibility. Trust me, I still have trouble with that one myself. You have to take care of yourself first.

See if your mom can get respite care for your dad. This will give her some breathing room. Also, if he's that bad off, maybe his team should disclose that to him.

Wouldn't they be your loans?

 

[inhiding]

Your parents are not your responsibility. Trust me, I still have trouble with that one myself. You have to take care of yourself first.

See if your mom can get respite care for your dad. This will give her some breathing room. Also, if he's that bad off, maybe his team should disclose that to him.

Wouldn't they be your loans?

Few things:
Thanks for your response. However, my parents sort of ARE my responsibility. A lot of people have advised me otherwise, but they took very good care of me when I was a child and needed their support. Internally, I know that it's not fair for me to abandon them as they didn't abandon me. It's almost as much cultural as anything -- in my world, it is unacceptable to leave parents who need you. My parents are adults, true, but a lot of times, older adults are no less in need of help than children are.

I've advised my mom about finding some kind of other caregiver/respite care but I'm not sure how she's taking it...we'll see. Maybe it will help some.

Yes, they will be my loans but my parents will (1) want to help and (2) freak out at the mere THOUGHT of taking out the kind of loans med schools require.

 

[nonesuchgirl]

Few things:
Thanks for your response. However, my parents sort of ARE my responsibility. A lot of people have advised me otherwise, but they took very good care of me when I was a child and needed their support. Internally, I know that it's not fair for me to abandon them as they didn't abandon me. It's almost as much cultural as anything -- in my world, it is unacceptable to leave parents who need you. My parents are adults, true, but a lot of times, older adults are no less in need of help than children are.

IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PARENTS LIKE THEY ARE NOW BABIES. It is a completely different situation. You can't do anything for your parents except make yourself sick and crazy. Checking in on them, running to the grocery store, whatever. But being a nursing assistant when a) you're trying to get your own life, and b) insurance will pay for it? That's stupid.

Yes, they will be my loans but my parents will (1) want to help and (2) freak out at the mere THOUGHT of taking out the kind of loans med schools require.

So don't let them. Go to a public school- that right there halves your COA. Even with this BS about reworking our repayments, it's still not going to crush you.

 

[enjoydrywax]

IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PARENTS LIKE THEY ARE NOW BABIES. It is a completely different situation. You can't do anything for your parents except make yourself sick and crazy. Checking in on them, running to the grocery store, whatever. But being a nursing assistant when a) you're trying to get your own life, and b) insurance will pay for it? That's stupid.




So don't let them. Go to a public school- that right there halves your COA. Even with this BS about reworking our repayments, it's still not going to crush you.

I don't know the details of your childhood and/or your relationship with your parents, but I cannot fathom how, if you were in the OPs situation, just let your parents handle this medical situation on their own. These are the two people that raised you, taught you, and made you what you are. You are half your mother and half your father. In my culture, family is everything and priority number one is protecting and caring for your own blood.

I agree with the OP 100% and to tell you the truth that is the exact reason why I would like to attend medical school close to home. My dad is pretty sick as well and I now work relatively close to home for that very reason. As for how I will handle medical school in terms of helping them ease their burden, I have no idea. I worry about this scenario everyday. Good luck Op and I wish you and you family the best of health. Stay by your parents side and do whatever you can to help. If medical schools/employers/whoever look down on you for doing so (like the clown that I am quoting), screw them--there are many routes to achieve the same goal.

 

[nonesuchgirl]

I agree with the OP 100% and to tell you the truth that is the exact reason why I would like to attend medical school close to home. My dad is pretty sick as well and I now work relatively close to home for that very reason. As for how I will handle medical school in terms of helping them ease their burden, I have no idea. I worry about this scenario everyday. Good luck Op and I wish you and you family the best of health. Stay by your parents side and do whatever you can to help. If medical schools/employers/whoever look down on you for doing so (like the clown that I am quoting), screw them--there are many routes to achieve the same goal.

The first paragraph is bs, and ad hominem attacks are useless.

There is a difference between being available and being a doormat. You're both doing the latter.

 

[enjoydrywax]

The first paragraph is bs, and ad hominem attacks are useless.

There is a difference between being available and being a doormat. You're both doing the latter.

Haha, BS? Who are you. Do you even know what family is or means? It seems pretty clear that your career ambitions take precedence over those you care about. Honestly if being a doormat for my parents is what I have to do, then so be it. I love my parents dearly and I would go to the ends of the earth for them. They were doormats for me and it's only fair that I be the same for them.

 

[nonesuchgirl]

Haha, BS? Who are you. Do you even know what family is or means? It seems pretty clear that your career ambitions take precedence over those you care about. Honestly if being a doormat for my parents is what I have to do, then so be it. I love my parents dearly and I would go to the ends of the earth for them. They were doormats for me and it's only fair that I be the same for them.

I'd fix your typos, but I'm too lazy.

Not all of us have sunshine and roses for parents, sweetpea. Or do Mommy and Daddy still regulate your media exposure, and you don't know that? It's sweet that your umbilical cord's still attached. If your parents were doormats, they did it wrong.

The people I care about- and who care about me- are right there with me.

 

[inhiding]

These are the two people that raised you, taught you, and made you what you are. You are half your mother and half your father. In my culture, family is everything and priority number one is protecting and caring for your own blood.

Yes, yes yes a million times yes. Exactly. I'm sorry -- I didn't mean to start an argument, but this is exactly what I mean. My parents made great sacrifices in taking care of me and my education. I owe them a lot. I probably will decide to go to a state school (assuming I get in) but beyond that...I just wanted to know what else I could do to help them out (hence the original post).

Nonesuch, I understand and respect your position but I think it stems from a very different understanding of what 'family' means. I have no quarrel with your understanding but it's simply quite different than mine.

EDIT: Loving and sacrificing yourself for your childrens' opportunities is the ultimate declaration of love. That's not *quite* the same as being a doormat...It stems from deeply held beliefs.

 

[Livingapparatus]

How do you plan to help ease the burden on your family during medical school?

by going to medical school

 

[nonesuchgirl]

EDIT: Loving and sacrificing yourself for your childrens' opportunities is the ultimate declaration of love. That's not *quite* the same as being a doormat...It stems from deeply held beliefs.

This is going to come across as really b*tchy, but I don't care at the moment: What culture are y'all from, so I know not to get mixed up with kids and it?

Giving everything up is not the way to do it, because when they're gone, you're left with nothing.

 

[inhiding]

This is going to come across as really b*tchy, but I don't care at the moment: What culture are y'all from, so I know not to get mixed up with kids and it?

Giving everything up is not the way to do it, because when they're gone, you're left with nothing.

No, it's totally OK. I understand your position. My best friend would be giving me the same advice you've given me -- her family basically abandoned her to live with whomever she wanted when she was 16 and her mom brought a frivolous suit against her in court (domestic violence). There is no way she'd ever stand to live like I do. She's independent, legally emancipated at age 19 and for her, family is nothing but an emotional, unwanted burden -- never caused her anything but trouble and hardly took the energy to put the clothes on her back. I appreciate that not all families have the same situation as I do.

There are certainly times I've wanted 'out' of a contract I never wrote (the contract to care for family members in sickness and health). That doesn't really change the situation, though, and I am only acting towards them as I would have my children act towards me. At least for me, I think psychologically, it's healthy to be able to preserve a sense of family identity.

Here's the kicker: I come from an (upper) middle class white family. I keep saying 'in my culture' just because I know it's not really mainstream to hold these kinds of family ties any more. But it's part of my identity.

 

[daniellema13]

OP- i feel you. I am currently living back at home with my mom (parents divorced) and 4 siblings. Right now i am the only financial provider for the family though hopefully my mom can find employment long before i actually matriculate. But still, i worry everyday about the state of my family once i leave. The middle two children (im then oldest) treat my mom like **** and the others are very young. Me and my mom are very close and at least for sanity's sake, i am her rock. She is a very strong woman and i know that they all will be fine of course, but it's still hard to leave them behind when you know you could be helping.

I know this offers no useful advice to you, but i just thought i'd share as i can relate somewhat.

 

[nonesuchgirl]

Here's the kicker: I come from an (upper) middle class white family. I keep saying 'in my culture' just because I know it's not really mainstream to hold these kinds of family ties any more. But it's part of my identity.

Hmm. Well, to each their own.

 

[inhiding]

OP- i feel you. I am currently living back at home with my mom (parents divorced) and 4 siblings. Right now i am the only financial provider for the family though hopefully my mom can find employment long before i actually matriculate. But still, i worry everyday about the state of my family once i leave. The middle two children (im then oldest) treat my mom like **** and the others are very young. Me and my mom are very close and at least for sanity's sake, i am her rock. She is a very strong woman and i know that they all will be fine of course, but it's still hard to leave them behind when you know you could be helping.

I know this offers no useful advice to you, but i just thought i'd share as i can relate somewhat.

Wow. Kudos to you daniellema13.

Things are mostly OK with my family right now, but I just feel that my parents are in a precarious situation and I'm not sure what I can do to help them. My mom is also very strong; while we're middle class now, assuredly, this was not always the case. I think both my parents wanted to provide me with what they never had as kids. Again, I don't really want to explain or go into details but suffice it to say my parents have worked and sacrificed enough to get me and my brother where we are today.

 

[UTnut]

OP, I can sympathize with you to a degree due to the fact that my circumstances are somewhat similar (parent not doing well). I've shared similar concerns with my parents and while they know my help might be beneficial to them they refuse to let me be distracted from my goals. Nothing in the world would make them more happy than to see their children succeed in life. Their legacy is their children.

This doesn't mean I won't do what I can to assist them with their needs, it just means that I will make sure that their efforts raising me weren't in vain.

Oh, and in terms of the loans and sharing the burden with your parents, that decision is solely up to you. Assuming you are an adult, the loans will be in your name and will be your responsibility. No need to further stress your parents with something that you should be able to handle yourself.

I hope that your situation improves and that your parents start getting better. Good luck!

 

[unsung]

IT IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR PARENTS LIKE THEY ARE NOW BABIES. It is a completely different situation. You can't do anything for your parents except make yourself sick and crazy. Checking in on them, running to the grocery store, whatever. But being a nursing assistant when a) you're trying to get your own life, and b) insurance will pay for it? That's stupid.




So don't let them. Go to a public school- that right there halves your COA. Even with this BS about reworking our repayments, it's still not going to crush you.

That is cold. Like the posters above, in my culture, the idea is that parents give their blood & soul to raising the kids into self-sufficient adults, and kids will later return the favor, when parents become old & need their grown children's help in return. Of course the parents are self-sufficient adults, but there may come a day when they become less self-sufficient and need their children's help. Then it falls to the kids to take care of their elderly parents much as their parents once took care of them when they were helpless little tots. It's a circle and it makes total sense to me.

But let's forget about cultural norms for a sec. It's just about being a human being with a conscience. Do you really advocate coldbloodedly sending off mommy or daddy to respite care or whatever the moment they show any sign of weakness? So parents have a responsibility to sacrifice everything to raise the kids, but kids once they're full-grown adults should just "spread their wings and fly" away, forgetting all about the people who used to take care of them?

If this "independent attitude" is considered a virtue in this society, then no thanks. Look, I'm not saying nursing homes or the like are never a good idea. But have a little heart, at least. I don't know what your own childhood was like but I could never imagine acting in such cold blood towards my parents. The OP posted a valid question that deserves a more realistic answer than "forget about'em, leave, save yourself!"

People take this "me me me" independence thing too much to heart nowadays. They're not willing to sacrifice anything for anyone-- including their parents/family and extending to their SOs/spouses... no wonder there's such a high divorce rate and no one gets along with anyone else.

 

[enjoydrywax]

Wow. Kudos to you daniellema13.

Things are mostly OK with my family right now, but I just feel that my parents are in a precarious situation and I'm not sure what I can do to help them. My mom is also very strong; while we're middle class now, assuredly, this was not always the case. I think both my parents wanted to provide me with what they never had as kids. Again, I don't really want to explain or go into details but suffice it to say my parents have worked and sacrificed enough to get me and my brother where we are today.

Man I feel the same way. My parents come from dirt poverty and are now living it up in an upper middle class lifestyle, which they have worked themselves to the bone to achieve. They tell me the same thing: they just wanted their kids to have life experiences and opportunities that they never saw when they were young. For this I am IMMENSELY grateful and now I hope people can understand how adamant I am about sticking by my parents. My brothers, sister, and I owe everything in my life to the sacrifices and struggles they made.

 

[nonesuchgirl]

That is cold. Like the posters above, in my culture, the idea is that parents give their blood & soul [...]

But let's forget about cultural norms for a sec. It's just about being a human being with a conscience. Do you really advocate coldbloodedly sending off mommy or daddy to respite care or whatever the moment they show any sign of weakness? So parents have a responsibility to sacrifice everything to raise the kids, [...]

Okay... I think you're talking to society as a whole here, so I'll let most off this go easy. (So, talking points are still there.)

The first bolded point creeps me the hell out. That's the sort of thing that breeds places like cf_hardcore (if you'll forgive the pun). The OP doesn't "have" a culture, she's upper-middle class (I assume white, but IDK why.). You don't have a responsibility to give up everything when you're a parent.

As to the second bolded point, respite care is when someone comes in and sits with a patient for a few hours so the caregiver can take care of themselves. The respite is for the caregiver. (Respite in this case means to give them a break.) Nothing about nursing homes, et al.

 

[ZagDoc]

Talk with your mother about your concerns and get her thoughts on the matter. I feel similarly strong loyalties to my mother and would be willing to make similar sacrifices, but I know if I asked her about it she'd smack me upside the head and go "Are you an idiot? I would never want to hold you back from your career. We'll find a way to make it work, now go, be successful." Sometimes I think me achieving my career is more important to her than it is to me, and she'd never want to keep me from that. You might find your mother feels similarly.

 

[inhiding]

Okay... I think you're talking to society as a whole here, so I'll let most off this go easy. (So, talking points are still there.)

I suspect this may be unintentional but you come off as slightly abrasive and condescending here...ironically, you have no idea how much you remind me of my best friend. She'd probably say it just the same way you do. I really hope you had a better family situation than she did -- don't get me wrong, she totally came out on top -- Ivy League and everything with her own $$, but her family certainly scarred her emotionally (probably physically as well). My best friend is very much anti-children, anti-marriage -- it's every (wo)man for him/herself.

The first bolded point creeps me the hell out.

If you have close family ties, you have close family ties...it's actually a pretty natural phenomenon. Or at least it was a natural phenomenon until the era of mass transportation and crazy uprooting all over the place. But I'm seriously not here to document a history lesson.

I find that it's actually rather natural to protect your offspring/parents with your life and anything else you have (including your soul if you believe in souls) -- at least evolutionarily, it makes sense, wouldn't you say? Protecting parents is just a natural reciprocation for protecting children. (Poorly worded but you get the point).

The OP doesn't "have" a culture, she's upper-middle class (I assume white, but IDK why.)

I both do and I don't. My mom is a European immigrant (western Europe). She was strongly raised within a Christian church and we'll leave it at that -- hence the strong "traditional" values. My dad's family has been here since the Mayflower. No, I don't identify with any ethnic community of any sort and wasn't raised in any sort of religious tradition, but I do bear the residual marks of people who have. [You assume white because I said it in the previous post .] So, at least in part, my views stem from family heritage, I suppose.

 

[inhiding]

Talk with your mother about your concerns and get her thoughts on the matter. I feel similarly strong loyalties to my mother and would be willing to make similar sacrifices, but I know if I asked her about it she'd smack me upside the head and go "Are you an idiot? I would never want to hold you back from your career. We'll find a way to make it work, now go, be successful." Sometimes I think me achieving my career is more important to her than it is to me, and she'd never want to keep me from that. You might find your mother feels similarly.

She does feel similarly. But she ignores her own needs too much of the time, and I just keep feeling like maybe there's something I can do to help her... She works so hard just to save money for the family and to take care of my dad's neverending health needs .

Thanks for the advice, though. I don't know that I'll get much of anywhere without talking with her seriously.

 

[kedrin]

If i were the parents in this situation i would want my child to continue his life so all the effort i put into his life would not go to waste. Your parents want you to succeed just as much as you want to i bet.

If i were the student in this situation i would support my parents as much as possible under the condition that i am not sacrificing parts of my life to do so. Just give them your best while continuing your life, if you do anymore you will end up regretting it and if you do any less you will feel like ****.

 

[nonesuchgirl]

I suspect this may be unintentional but you come off as slightly abrasive and condescending here...ironically, you have no idea how much you remind me of my best friend. She'd probably say it just the same way you do. I really hope you had a better family situation than she did -- don't get me wrong, she totally came out on top -- Ivy League and everything with her own $$, but her family certainly scarred her emotionally (probably physically as well). My best friend is very much anti-children, anti-marriage -- it's every (wo)man for him/herself.

Eep. Mostly responding to the tone of unsung (?). I wouldn't be surprised though, the person I'm most like does that too. I'm not anti-marriage or kids though- I want both. Still working on... everything. I've been holding everything together for everyone else since I was in grade school, along with quite a bit else. I'm really tired.

If you have close family ties, you have close family ties...it's actually a pretty natural phenomenon. Or at least it was a natural phenomenon until the era of mass transportation and crazy uprooting all over the place. But I'm seriously not here to document a history lesson.

I find that it's actually rather natural to protect your offspring/parents with your life and anything else you have (including your soul if you believe in souls) -- at least evolutionarily, it makes sense, wouldn't you say? Protecting parents is just a natural reciprocation for protecting children. (Poorly worded but you get the point).

I still don't see that being a parent means losing yourself to your children's (?)happiness. Maybe once I have kids? I can think of someone that I've got no claim to that I would sacrifice things for, but he'd never ask.

I both do and I don't. My mom is a European immigrant (western Europe). She was strongly raised within a Christian church and we'll leave it at that -- hence the strong "traditional" values. My dad's family has been here since the Mayflower. No, I don't identify with any ethnic community of any sort and wasn't raised in any sort of religious tradition, but I do bear the residual marks of people who have. [You assume white because I said it in the previous post .] So, at least in part, my views stem from family heritage, I suppose.

I thought I'd read that! But I was too lazy to look. My mom's pre-Vatican 2 Catholic. I'm not much of anything.

 

[OhNoez]

Okay... I think you're talking to society as a whole here, so I'll let most off this go easy. (So, talking points are still there.)

The first bolded point creeps me the hell out. That's the sort of thing that breeds places like cf_hardcore (if you'll forgive the pun). The OP doesn't "have" a culture, she's upper-middle class (I assume white, but IDK why.). You don't have a responsibility to give up everything when you're a parent.

.

It's really not so much about being responsible for your parents here I think.. Most parents don't want their kids to feel responsible for them because they spent their entire life raising them so that they could go out and live their own happy life and be successful... blahblahblah you know what I mean. I think the OP really just WANTS to help her parents because she is worried about them...

Example, my dad's a lazy *ss and pretty much does nothing to help his own health get better.. Now, I know I'm not responsible for making sure he makes his doctor's appointments or make sure he takes his medication everyday... I've talked to them about it many times, but does he listen? No... In this situation you can't really do anything, because he needs to learn to help himself... and he doesn;t even want me to worry or feel like I need to take care of him because he wants me to do whatever I need to do first...
but I do those things for him anyway because I really care about him, not because I feel like I am responsible for him.

Inhiding: the important thing is to just try not to let it interfere with your ultimate goal. That's the last thing your parents would want. For now, the best thing that you can probably do to help ease the burden on your family is to make all of this worthwhile Otherwise, talk to your mom about it first, liek Zagdog said.. And try not to stress yourself out about it too much, though I know it's hard. things will work out in the end.. I'm not leaving for med school or anything, but I was in the exact same situation as you described in your post when I left for college and things are still going

 

[ACSurgeon]

As we speak, I'm taking a year off before applying to medical school and I'm living with my parents. Don't wish to disclose too much about the situation for privacy reasons.

Basically, I'm really concerned about my parents' mental health. My dad is sick (physically and mentally) most of the time and my mom has to act as his caregiver. This relationship is a strain on them both. While my mom has realized the severity of my dad's condition, my dad, it seems, has not. He thinks that he is perfectly healthy and believes that we (the family) are trying to attack him for suggesting otherwise (in fairness to him, sometimes the suggestions are not phrased quite as nicely as they should be -- the atmosphere is very tense). My mom, on the other hand, is entirely overwhelmed by the amount of work she has to do to take care of him, even when I'm helping out.

Right now the only thing that's keeping them sane at all is having 'the kids' around because we are a shared 'goal' for them (I have a younger brother who is going back to college in the fall).

Are any of you scared to leave you parents for medical school? Are you worried that your world might just implode when you leave? Do you have psychiatric/psychological resources that you can make available to them? My parents are both pretty stubborn about not seeking psychological help...

I'm at my wits end I love my parents very much, but they are very stubborn people and they are making themselves miserable. I'm worried that if I go away to medical school the added loans will only create more of a strain for them.

How do you plan to help ease the burden on your family during medical school?

Don't let them know how much loans your taking. Only give them good news even when things are at a worst. Go to a far away med school so that its not up to you that you are not around, you're just too far. trust me, you cannot do med school and care for your dad. It MUST be one or the other. You decide.

 

[ACSurgeon]

Hmm. Well, to each their own.

Some one seems out of words... I love how people jump at the opportunity to bash cultures... too bad you didn't get one this time.

 

[ACSurgeon]

OP- I too have a belief similar to yours, in that caring for parents is an obligation. However, you have to be wise about. Don't destroy your future if there are ANY acceptable alternatives. Yes, this might mean differring the care of your dad to someone else for the next 4 years. Yes I realize that it might be too late by the time you finish med school, but you have to keep things in perspective and seek the greatest good. If it comes down to you helping your dad and not going to med school or having no one to care for your dad and going to med school, I would say chose the former. However, if you can go to med school and have some one close to the family care for your dad in the mean time, then I think that is the best of both worlds.

 

[inhiding]

I was in the exact same situation as you described in your post when I left for college and things are still going

I think you described MY dad in your post . I am really glad to know that things are still ok, though! It does give me some hope that things will work out.

Don't let them know how much loans your taking. Only give them good news even when things are at a worst. Go to a far away med school so that its not up to you that you are not around, you're just too far. trust me, you cannot do med school and care for your dad. It MUST be one or the other. You decide.

Bolded text: I do that now. I can't complain to my parents because it makes them more upset than I ever was to begin with!

I went to a far away UG (think: across the country). Part of me wants to go back to that lifestyle where I only had to worry about making my own success happen. But NOW is when they need me.


--
I need some sort of arrangement where my parents could both get some counseling, but I'm not sure how to convince them. My mom would be much happier with a job (outside of taking care of my dad) and my dad, well, he needs some reason to get up every morning because he's lost that since he retired (he's 76 and in poor health). If I could just work this out for them, I probably wouldn't feel quite so bad about leaving.

Thanks for the suggestions, lazymed They help me put things in perspective.

 

[ACSurgeon]

That is cold. Like the posters above, in my culture, the idea is that parents give their blood & soul to raising the kids into self-sufficient adults, and kids will later return the favor, when parents become old & need their grown children's help in return. Of course the parents are self-sufficient adults, but there may come a day when they become less self-sufficient and need their children's help. Then it falls to the kids to take care of their elderly parents much as their parents once took care of them when they were helpless little tots. It's a circle and it makes total sense to me.

But let's forget about cultural norms for a sec. It's just about being a human being with a conscience. Do you really advocate coldbloodedly sending off mommy or daddy to respite care or whatever the moment they show any sign of weakness? So parents have a responsibility to sacrifice everything to raise the kids, but kids once they're full-grown adults should just "spread their wings and fly" away, forgetting all about the people who used to take care of them?

If this "independent attitude" is considered a virtue in this society, then no thanks. Look, I'm not saying nursing homes or the like are never a good idea. But have a little heart, at least. I don't know what your own childhood was like but I could never imagine acting in such cold blood towards my parents. The OP posted a valid question that deserves a more realistic answer than "forget about'em, leave, save yourself!"

People take this "me me me" independence thing too much to heart nowadays. They're not willing to sacrifice anything for anyone-- including their parents/family and extending to their SOs/spouses... no wonder there's such a high divorce rate and no one gets along with anyone else.

It's funny because most people in this forum will list "helping people" and sacraficing for others as MAIN reasons for wanting to become doctors...

 

[ACSurgeon]

I think you described MY dad in your post . I am really glad to know that things are still ok, though! It does give me some hope that things will work out.



Bolded text: I do that now. I can't complain to my parents because it makes them more upset than I ever was to begin with!

I went to a far away UG (think: across the country). Part of me wants to go back to that lifestyle where I only had to worry about making my own success happen. But NOW is when they need me.


--
I need some sort of arrangement where my parents could both get some counseling, but I'm not sure how to convince them. My mom would be much happier with a job (outside of taking care of my dad) and my dad, well, he needs some reason to get up every morning because he's lost that since he retired (he's 76 and in poor health). If I could just work this out for them, I probably wouldn't feel quite so bad about leaving.

Thanks for the suggestions, lazymed They help me put things in perspective.

Maybe you should put med school off for 2 years or so? Maybe things will change (for better or worse and you will know where you stand). That last thing you want is to start med school at a bad time in your life, and end up failing out or repeating years. Many people have urgent things happen and take a leave of absence. I guess your case is better in that you haven't started yet, so maybe waiting a little would be best?

 

[Livingapparatus]

If your parents really poured all of their energy and time into you I think they would want you to go be happy and achieve the goals that they expect from you.

 

[inhiding]

Maybe you should put med school off for 2 years or so? Maybe things will change (for better or worse and you will know where you stand). That last thing you want is to start med school at a bad time in your life, and end up failing out or repeating years. Many people have urgent things happen and take a leave of absence. I guess your case is better in that you haven't started yet, so maybe waiting a little would be best?

This is good advice. I've considered deferring med school for a year until my parents' situation is more stable (assuming I get in). If I *did* take another year off, potentially I could help my mom get back on her feet and into a job she likes. Potentially, any earnings I make during the year off could go towards caregiver expenses. And once my mom has a job again, she won't be so miserable and hopefully will help pay for my dad's care. He just really wears her out.

I'm in the process of applying right now (just finished a bunch of secondaries) so it's probably in my best interest to see where I can get in with good scholarship money.

--
And yes, irony duly noted about "I like to help others (just not my parents )" I was thinking the exact same thing.

 

[inhiding]

If your parents really poured all of their energy and time into you I think they would want you to go be happy and achieve the goals that they expect from you.

They do. But I likewise want THEM to be happy. Sometimes my parents aren't great judges of their own happiness or well-being...

 

[nonesuchgirl]

Some one seems out of words... I love how people jump at the opportunity to bash cultures... too bad you didn't get one this time.

What are you talking about?

 

[nonesuchgirl]

It's funny because most people in this forum will list "helping people" and sacraficing for others as MAIN reasons for wanting to become doctors...

*giggles*

You haven't been around much, have you?

 

[ACSurgeon]

This is good advice. I've considered deferring med school for a year until my parents' situation is more stable (assuming I get in). If I *did* take another year off, potentially I could help my mom get back on her feet and into a job she likes. Potentially, any earnings I make during the year off could go towards caregiver expenses. And once my mom has a job again, she won't be so miserable and hopefully will help pay for my dad's care. He just really wears her out.

I'm in the process of applying right now (just finished a bunch of secondaries) so it's probably in my best interest to see where I can get in with good scholarship money.

--
And yes, irony duly noted about "I like to help others (just not my parents )" I was thinking the exact same thing.

I guess it is best to see where this cycle takes you... some schools actually ask you if you would like to defer. Other schools will allow you if you ask (obviously some won't). Hopefully you will have a few acceptances, and will get to see which will fit you best.

As a side note, I believe that the sacrafice you are making for your parents will pay off... I like to believe that no good deeds go without a reward... Best of luck in this applciation cycle and with your family situation.

 

[inhiding]

^Thank you.

 

[Adam Smasher]

ttt

 

[Adam Smasher]

ttt

 

[engineeredout]

Its a tough situation, no doubt. As you can see, you're going to get wildly different views from people based upon the relationships they've had with their parents. People who have had ****ty parents want nothing to do with them, and thats fine.

You sound like you had a good relationship and now want to help them. There is a line between providing assistance and being a hospice nurse for them. Nothing wrong with going to a med school closer to home so you can stop in and see them and provide an emotional link even though you might not be living under the same roof. Just don't let it overwhelm you. It sounds like the situation with your father might be degenerating to the point where some form of professional assistance may be required. Talk to people (professionals, doctors etc) and get opinions, for both yours, your mothers, and even your father's sake.

 

[ChePibe]

As we speak, I'm taking a year off before applying to medical school and I'm living with my parents. Don't wish to disclose too much about the situation for privacy reasons.

Basically, I'm really concerned about my parents' mental health. My dad is sick (physically and mentally) most of the time and my mom has to act as his caregiver. This relationship is a strain on them both. While my mom has realized the severity of my dad's condition, my dad, it seems, has not. He thinks that he is perfectly healthy and believes that we (the family) are trying to attack him for suggesting otherwise (in fairness to him, sometimes the suggestions are not phrased quite as nicely as they should be -- the atmosphere is very tense). My mom, on the other hand, is entirely overwhelmed by the amount of work she has to do to take care of him, even when I'm helping out.

Right now the only thing that's keeping them sane at all is having 'the kids' around because we are a shared 'goal' for them (I have a younger brother who is going back to college in the fall).

Are any of you scared to leave you parents for medical school? Are you worried that your world might just implode when you leave? Do you have psychiatric/psychological resources that you can make available to them? My parents are both pretty stubborn about not seeking psychological help...

I'm at my wits end I love my parents very much, but they are very stubborn people and they are making themselves miserable. I'm worried that if I go away to medical school the added loans will only create more of a strain for them.

How do you plan to help ease the burden on your family during medical school?

I was actually in a very similar situation as yours. I actually talked about in 2ries and interviews since I had to withdraw a previous app to medschool. I personally had to put medical school in the back seat for several years due to this situation but it was my choice to do this. I did not feel that I was responsible for the situation or felt that I owed anything to them. It was just me deciding to settle one thing before starting another cause I knew that I would not be able to give 100% in school if the other situation still lingered. I am now older starting medical school but I am happy about the choices I made. It is all about YOUR choices and not what an anonymous board thinks you should do. After all, you are the one who has to live with those choices.
Hope this helps and best of luck.

 

[inhiding]

you're going to get wildly different views from people based upon the relationships they've had with their parents.

True.

To clarify: I do basically have a good relationship with my parents, or at least, I've had a good relationship with them in the past. Things are a bit more trying now. At any rate, I *want* to help them. I KNOW that they can improve their situations, I'm just not quite sure how to help them.

Sorry about your relationship with your mother, Adam Smasher . I'm not quite sure what to say except that I hope things improve (assuming you *want* a better relationship with your mother).

FTR, I'm not trying to make anyone else feel bad about his/her relationships with his/her parents -- I'm just trying to figure out how *I* can help my parents when I'm in med school/out of the house.

Anyway, thank you for the suggestions. I'll keep thinking about them.

 

[inhiding]

It was just me deciding to settle one thing before starting another cause I knew that I would not be able to give 100% in school if the other situation still lingered.

Yeah -- that's pretty much it. I mean, my parents are doing livably well at the moment...but the emotional strain of the relationship on them as well as on me could potentially make medical school unbearable and my parents' QOL might keep going downhill.

I just need to stop this before things get out of hand.

 

[Tryonetic]

*giggles*

You haven't been around much, have you?

sigh...life experience can build wisdom, but it can also destory one's moral!

 

[Adam Smasher]

Sorry about your relationship with your mother, Adam Smasher . I'm not quite sure what to say except that I hope things improve (assuming you *want* a better relationship with your mother).

Eh, it's not as bad as I made it sound. I'm actually applying to schools where my parents live so who knows. As long as I keep them at arm's length and repress (suppress?) my memories from childhood, I'll be fine. To paraphrase Fiddler on the Roof:

Rabbi: How do you pray for your parents?

Me: May the Lord bless and keep my parents...far away from me!

 

[unsung]

For what it's worth, I am NOT saying sacrifice your medical school ambitions to go & take care of your parents full-time. If my parents & I were in that situation, I know that my parents would URGE me to go & not worry about them & just study & do well in medical school. I know they would do everything in their power in that situation to try and get me to worry less about them. So this definitely would not be a situation involving any sort of guilt-tripping or unwanted obligations, etc.

It's about mutual caring. Imagine that... they care for & are concerned for my future and I reciprocate that concern. I think it's a great thing. There's room for caring for parents in failing health alongside pursuing one's own goals. It is certainly NOT a "you must choose" between medical school & parents situation as another poster had posted.

OTOH, if the parents are somehow mentally/emotionally abusive, then yeah I can understand wanting to distance oneself away from that emotional draining relationship to focus on school. BUT, the OP doesn't sound like she's in that type of relationship. So I really don't think some of the advice from people who have poor relationships with their parents apply.

Again, it's not about "responsibility" literally, or unwanted obligations... it's just about being a decent human being and reciprocating caring when the other person is down.

 

[acetyllater]

Your parents made sacrifices so you can be where you are now. Not achieving your dreams would be completely against what they worked for. I have a similar fear of leaving my brother's for medical school and missing out on them growing up.

But your parent's deep down probably do not want you to now sacrifice your opportunities for them. Not to mention, from the situation you are describing of your family life it sounds like if you fall into caring for them, you will never get to leave...

Make your parent's proud, go accomplish something amazing with your life. As cold as it sounds, they can manage on their own. Who knows, having a child in medical school may give them something to be truly proud and happy about.