Where to from here?

[sdaav]

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So I didn't know where else to turn to. I guess I'll explain from the beginning.

I'm a second-year medical student who's just finished up with my last final (as of yesterday). Granted, I feel like I should be much happier about this, but I'm not. You see, it's been a real struggle these last two years, not in terms of academics (although as of late, that's been off too, I'll explain). I'm not sure I wanted to come to medical school. I know I want to help people, and I thought, medicine, that's it! Unfortunately, I don't think it is, at least not for me.

After my first block of exams last year, I met with my dean. I explained the situation to her, that I was unhappy about school and I wasn't sure I wanted to be there. She pulled up my grades and said, "well you've honored every test, obviously you should stay." I wanted to say that I could be the world's best hot-dog vendor but that doesn't mean I'd be happy. Instead, I let her coax me into staying.

Not only that, my parents really don't support my wanting to leave. It's gotten to the point where we rarely discuss school, because they just get frustrated (as do I). I come from a doctor-free background, so I can't really expect them to understand what I'm going through entirely, but they constantly call me with stories from "doctor friends" who said they hated med school too, and that that should be reason enough to stay.

I'm just frustrated because I wanted to leave last year with 7000 debt, and now I'm sitting here with 10X the amount owed and a degree in Biology that almost certainly means I need more school SOMEWHERE, but I don't know what to do. It's been rough, especially this year, which I found way more overwhelming. My grades have slipped from all H's to HPs/Ps, and all the while, I haven't cared. I'm not really the motivated student that I used to be, and it's frustrating. I feel like I've missed out on quite a bit of learning, and for me to be the best doctor I can be, I should not have let that happen.

Of course, my dean suggested I be put on meds (why is that the solution, I wonder?). It's not depression for depression's sake, it's that I feel I've placed myself into a difficult situation, and I can't figure out which way I should move to get out of it. I can't really talk to my dean about it anymore, because I can't help but think that these conversations will sit in the back of her mind (or worse, my file) as she begins to write my Dean's letter fourth year (this is assuming I stay). I can't talk to my advisor, who is the Chief of Staff at the Ped's Hospital, for the same reason. My parents are tired of hearing it, my friends from home don't understand it, and my friends here have boards. So I rest my case with you all, strangers who don't know me and have not invested any interest in whether or not I choose to be a physician. Any advice?

 

[DoctorFunk]

I missed the part of your post where you described why you actually would not want to be a doctor. I'm sure you realize that the first two years are nothing like life in the clinic or on the wards. Have you spent enough time in those settings with physicians to know that you would not enjoy the practice of medicine as opposed to the mindless memorizing of medical minutia (say that five times fast!)

My point is this: the first two years suck, for some more than others. I think you would be doing yourself a disservice not to give the third year clerkships a shot before completely counting yourself out, simply because there are so many niches in medicine that are really unique and cater to different personalities.

Perhaps it's just the wannabe psychoanalyst in me speaking here, but reading your description of your feeling's, I got the impression that you were really frustrated by the sheer amount of work you have to put into medical school. Sure, studying takes up a lot of time, but do you really expect that to change if you go back to school (as you implied you might) for a PhD? Trust me, those guys/gals work just as hard as us (albeit in a different fashion) and are often just as disillusioned about their paths as we are. I guess I'm just trying to say that the grass is always greener, and all that jazz.

But yeah, medicine isn't for everyone, so if at the end of the day you really think you'll be unhappy in any field of medicine, working at any level, suck it up and move on.

 

[Pemulis]

Let me start with the disclaimer that I'm only starting my MS I year in a few months. On the other hand, I am an older student/career changer type, so I do know a bit about what it's like to feel trapped in a career that your heart isn't really in. I would just raise a few points to consider:

1. You haven't started your clinical training yet. Why not wait until you've done a few rotations before making any big decisions? You just might find that you do enjoy practicing medicine more than learning about it in a classroom.
2. Even if you don't practice medicine, a med degree is still valuable. You can go into research, business, or lots of other stuff with one. So before you consider dropping out, ask yourself if there's anything else you might enjoy doing with a med degree, even if it's only for a few years until you pay back your loans.
3. I know people who have managed to take a year off during med school to do research, work in an underserved community, etc. You sound really burnt out. Maybe this would be a good option to buy you some time until you figure things out more.

My theme in the above points is this: never make a really big life decision in a state of emotional duress. That said, if you really reason through it, and you feel absolutely certain that medicine is not for you, you'll be a lot happier and more succesful in the long run following that instinct.

Good luck to you, and make sure to go do something fun in the near future.

 

[CANES2006]

Don't really understand what aspect of becoming a doctor you dislike. If you hate the first 2 years (let's be honest, even us die hards know that it sucks), you should sit tight and try a few months of 3rd year and see if you like it better. However, if just the idea of being a doctor has got you so miserable then maybe you should drop out now. Medical training becomes more difficult and requires more dedication on your part starting with 3rd year on. You are an adult and you shouldn't worry about your parents' goals for you. No one should go through the training in becoming a doctor half-heartedly...it's hard enough as it is. You sound to me to be very miserable right now. Start looking into other career paths that might interest you. Wish you the best in whatever you may decide on.

 

[sdaav]

It's funny, because when I've talked to my friends (in med school and at home) about this, they've all said that I was the type of person that they'd want as their doctor. I think I had an idealized view of what medicine was like, being that I didn't have much of a background in it before I came. I did shadowing and volunteering at my peds hospital back home, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but I was never expected to know anything. I think that's my biggest qualm with medical school and medicine in general, the RESPONSIBILITY. I've never considered myself a lazy person/student and I don't think anybody else would either, but there seems to be so much responsibility and stress in medicine that I'm not sure I want. I guess I walked into this situation thinking I'd have the golden touch and suddenly every patient would be cured.

I honestly came here to help people. I'm just not sure that this situation is helping ME, if that makes sense. I guess I've become so unhappy here that I almost hold a grudge against medicine, and although I'm not exactly scraping to get by in school, I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my future patients if I'm not in it 100%. At the moment, my brain is not thinking too clearly, so if this seems like rambling, that's 'cause it is. I don't know if I'm looking for comfort or advice or someone to say, "shut up and keep going!" I guess at this point, any input is helpful.

 

[vtucci]

I can't wait to finish the first two years because I really do not enjoy this learning modality. I want to get into the clinics and work with people. So you are not alone. Most of my class has considered quitting at one point or another.

The medication idea is not a bad one- sometimes we all need a little help to get over the hump.

 

[skypilot]

It's funny, because when I've talked to my friends (in med school and at home) about this, they've all said that I was the type of person that they'd want as their doctor. I think I had an idealized view of what medicine was like, being that I didn't have much of a background in it before I came. I did shadowing and volunteering at my peds hospital back home, which I thoroughly enjoyed, but I was never expected to know anything. I think that's my biggest qualm with medical school and medicine in general, the RESPONSIBILITY. I've never considered myself a lazy person/student and I don't think anybody else would either, but there seems to be so much responsibility and stress in medicine that I'm not sure I want. I guess I walked into this situation thinking I'd have the golden touch and suddenly every patient would be cured.

I honestly came here to help people. I'm just not sure that this situation is helping ME, if that makes sense. I guess I've become so unhappy here that I almost hold a grudge against medicine, and although I'm not exactly scraping to get by in school, I feel like I'm doing a disservice to my future patients if I'm not in it 100%. At the moment, my brain is not thinking too clearly, so if this seems like rambling, that's 'cause it is. I don't know if I'm looking for comfort or advice or someone to say, "shut up and keep going!" I guess at this point, any input is helpful.

When you become a doc vow to spend more time on their cases than the average 15 minutes. Most of the problems you are going to see every day will be mundane, "I've seen this 100 times before" and aren't going to require remembering some rare syndrome. If it looks like a rare syndrome you are probably going to refer it out anyway.

 

[DVLDOC]

Not until your last post did I decide what advice to offer. Fear of RESPONSIBILITY can be a confidence issue if it is overwhelming. All of us are a little scared about screwing up, but that should decrease as we become more comfortable with patients. To learn EVERYTHING would be impossible, your concerns are genuine and you are not alone. The key to not providing a poor service to future pt is to admit when you are stumped and know where to look/who to call to get the answer. Some of the emotions that you seem to be exhibiting suggest that a mental health professional would be a good idea. You said that nobody outside school wants to hear it anymore and that you are uncomfortable speaking to your school admin about it. Does your school offer student mental health services, mine does and I have been to see them a couple times. They can really help you pull through these tough times. And they do not put every person that walks through the door on meds (as you seem to be against). My suggestion is to make an appointment with them and start discussing this issue with someone that one: knows what your going through (i.e. not family/friends), and 2: does not have a major interest in you staying in school (i.e. admin). Hope that helps.

 

[Cinnameg]

I second that advice. There is no shame at all -- and a whole lot of potential help -- in talking to a counselor about your concerns regarding what you want to do with your life. And trust me, you CAN lose friends by telling them too much about your problems, especially if they are stressed out too, so I think you have the right idea about turning elsewhere for advice.

Also, I must say that I would rather have someone a bit uncertain, like you, about his/her own knowledge and abilities as a doctor than someone who is too cocky. You seem like you will be a careful and concerned doctor, and that is what I would want as a patient.

 

[karaxand]

I don't understand why you wanted to go to medical school in the first place. Did you ever want to be a doctor or was it just something to do?

If I were you, I'd re-examine the reasons why I decided to go to med school in the first place. Were they the "right" reasons? Sure you wanted to "help" people but there are plenty of ways to do that. Do you still have the same beliefs, dreams, aspirations that you had 2 years ago. What do you want in the future? Then, I'd look at my options...ie) if I were to leave now I could....teach, do research, join the Peace Corps etc.

I graduated with a Bio major as well and I knew that I didn't want to do research but I wasn't ready for med school. After working in EMS for several years I knew that becoming a doctor is the life I wanted and so here I am.

If you know that this isn't what you want, take a year off. Do something. Anything. But don't let what other people (friends, teachers, parents) want from you dictate your life.

Now to address your fear of responsibility. You're going to have tons of it and I'm betting that eventually you'll get over the feeling of it being a burden. But at first you're going to share that responsibility with other med students and hospital staff. It's not going to get thrown at you all at once. You're going to make mistakes and hopefully someone will be there to catch them while you learn not to repeat them. You're going to get your garden variety patients and then some more difficult cases and you'll learn from your experiences. I'm betting that you'll get knot's in your stomach for your first round of clinicals but eventually it will go away.

You said that you have no one to talk to but what about the physician you shadowed back home?

Finally, you're not doing a "disservice" to your patients by not being in it 100%. We're all human. We have bad days and better days. Sometimes it takes all that 100% to keep from simply walking away.

Good Luck.

 

[sdaav]

I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice...it's been very helpful. For now, I'll continue studying for boards...nothing like too many pots on the back burner!


ps -- feeling a bit better after a couple of days...i'll keep you posted