Why is it that parents can't ever understand...

[echostation]

so i've been working a year in research and am a texas applicant, on feb I found out that I didn't get anywhere but am on two waitlists... I still hadn't heard from half of my AMCAS schools so I was thinking of retaking the August MCAT...

So my father just gets all annoyed and angry over the fact that I should've taken the April MCAT... He gets angry at me about this now... I don't understand why he can't get that the decision that I could not have made the decision to take the April MCAT in january BEFORE i ****ing found out about schools? Plus there's my research boss, i'm just supposed to go up to him and tell him i quit?

jeez... asian parents sometime really annoy me...

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[YoungFaithful]

Hey its not just asian parents. Mine are as white as ever and they have no clue what the deal is. I guess we can't blame them though. They never went through the process.

 

[Alexander99]

so i've been working a year in research and am a texas applicant, on feb I found out that I didn't get anywhere but am on two waitlists... I still hadn't heard from half of my AMCAS schools so I was thinking of retaking the August MCAT...

So my father just gets all annoyed and angry over the fact that I should've taken the April MCAT... He gets angry at me about this now... I don't understand why he can't get that the decision that I could not have made the decision to take the April MCAT in january BEFORE i ****ing found out about schools? Plus there's my research boss, i'm just supposed to go up to him and tell him i quit?

jeez... asian parents sometime really annoy me...

Do you still live with your parents? If so, there's your problem. As long as you live there, they'll feel like they have the right to treat you like a child, regardless of how old you are.

It's not just Asian parents that get like this I'm sure but they are especially guilty of not giving a damn about their kids' happiness and only worrying about how good they'll look among their peers once their child is a doctor, lawyer, etc. The irony is, most of those Asian parents aren't doctors, lawyers, etc. but work everyday 9-5 jobs. How they have such high expectations of their children when they themselves have achieved little is beyond me.

If you really think about why your dad was mad, it's because he's selfish. He's worried about you getting into med school not because he wants to support your dreams but because he's worried if you don't get in, he won't have anything to brag about. If he really cared, he'd be supportive, not confrontational. Did he show you any support when he realized you were waitlisted? I bet he didn't; he probably just got annoyed.

It sucks to be in your situation but realize you can do something about it.

 

[Zweihander]

Do you still live with your parents? If so, there's your problem. As long as you live there, they'll feel like they have the right to treat you like a child, regardless of how old you are.

I think the rest of your post is a bit over the top, but this is right on the money. While I was applying, I moved to a city a couple of hundred miles away and got a job for this very reason, and I still caught hell from my mother. But happily, independence gives you the option of totally ignoring parental BS.

 

[Alexander99]

I think the rest of your post is a bit over the top, but this is right on the money. While I was applying, I moved to a city a couple of hundred miles away and got a job for this very reason, and I still caught hell from my mother. But happily, independence gives you the option of totally ignoring parental BS.

Having the power to ignore parental BS is one of the true joys of life.

I know you might think the rest of my previous post sounds crazy but if you actually look at how a lot of asian parents are, you'll find what I say to be valid in many cases. It's sad but true. That's why I don't plan on having/being an asian parent.

 

[smuwillobrien]

Hey Alexander99,

Pull your head out of your ass. My parents work nine to five jobs, and although you might think that means that haven't achieved much, they've afforded to put me through University.

Don't be such a selflish little bitch. Get over yourself.

 

[Zweihander]

Having the power to ignore parental BS is one of the true joys of life.

I know you might think the rest of my previous post sounds crazy but if you actually look at how a lot of asian parents are, you'll find what I say to be valid in many cases. It's sad but true. That's why I don't plan on having/being an asian parent.

The reason I don't accept the rest of your post is because it oversimplifies waaaay too much. There is some truth to it, but it does not do justice to the all the complex personal and cultural factors in play, especially when you consider that a lot of these people are from immigrant populations in diaspora. Being an immigrant alone and raising your children in what is essentially a foreign land changes the game immensely.

peace

 

[jlee9531]

its cause they dont know everything about the entire process and just emphasize what they know ie...april vs august mcat in this example.

parents rarely think about the circumstances that led you to make the decision you did and its just annoying. but deep down inside they are mad cause you didnt get something you wanted. sure there is some selfishness in there but they prolly sacrificed a lot to provide you the things you need in life and to give yourself an opportunity to become a doc...so their selfishness is somewhat justified. they care and they get frustrated as well.

i just tend to keep the process to myself and give my mom just a general sense of whats going on. dont have the luxury of moving out and im thinking you might not as well...so just deal with it...

it might be annoying but its nothing really directed at you.

 

[Zweihander]

parents rarely think about the circumstances that led you to make the decision you did and its just annoying. but deep down inside they are mad cause you didnt get something you wanted. sure there is some selfishness in there but they prolly sacrificed a lot to provide you the things you need in life and to give yourself an opportunity to become a doc...so their selfishness is somewhat justified. they care and they get frustrated as well.

Part of the problem is that Asian parents come from a culture where family is everything. They sacrificed their entire world so that their children could have better opportunities, and it is expected that the children will justify the parents' leaving behind their friends, family, and culture on a gamble. Unfortunately, the children then grow up in a culture which does not emphasize this same family-oriented ethic, and the burden of growing up to validate their parents' choices often feels too onerous. Simply put, there is a value mismatch, because the parents and the children are not speaking the same cultural language.

 

[Alexander99]

Hey Alexander99,

Pull your head out of your ass. My parents work nine to five jobs, and although you might think that means that haven't achieved much, they've afforded to put me through University.

Don't be such a selflish little bitch. Get over yourself.

Tsk tsk. So much sensitivity going on here. Actually, your parents could have been unemployed and you'd still be able to get through college. It's called student loans.

My point wasn't that there's anything wrong with working the 9-5. My point was that there's something about working the 9-5 and EXPECTING your kids to enter medicine, law or some other high profile career only to make yourself look better. Then again, I think there's something wrong with doing that period.

Don't be such an oversensitive little bitch.

 

[Alexander99]

Part of the problem is that Asian parents come from a culture where family is everything. They sacrificed their entire world so that their children could have better opportunities, and it is expected that the children will justify the parents' leaving behind their friends, family, and culture on a gamble. Unfortunately, the children then grow up in a culture which does not emphasize this same family-oriented ethic, and the burden of growing up to validate their parents' choices often feels too onerous. Simply put, there is a value mismatch, because the parents and the children are not speaking the same cultural language.

I think you hit the nail on the head there. But there is one thing I have to mention. As much as they "sacrificed" everything for their kids to give them opportunities, many also expect to be fully supported financially once they've retired. In a way, they see their kids as investments. I think that's pretty bad too.

 

[Zweihander]

I think you hit the nail on the head there. But there is one thing I have to mention. As much as they "sacrificed" everything for their kids to give them opportunities, many also expect to be fully supported financially once they've retired. In a way, they see their kids as investments. I think that's pretty bad too.

Again, for most this isn't some evil mercenary deal where they are forcing their children into indentured servitude for life. It's about taking care of family; simple as that.

 

[jlee9531]

Again, for most this isn't some evil mercenary deal where they are forcing their children into indentured servitude for life. It's about taking care of family; simple as that.

filial piety...something i value greatly even though i have grown up in america and my parents in korea.

i understand what my mom has done for me. due to unfortunate circumstances she can never go back to korea to see the rest of our family. why? mostly because she needed to take care of us...and now its just too late since her health will not allow her to go back.

thats a huge sacrifice. as children...we need to "repay" our parents for what they have done. shes had a huge influence on what kind of human being i have become, and there is no doubt that will care for her no matter how "inconvenient" it gets for me. i hope my kids feel the same way about us...when we take care of them as well.

 

[The JockDoc]

It's not just Asian parents that get like this I'm sure but they are especially guilty of not giving a damn about their kids' happiness and only worrying about how good they'll look among their peers once their child is a doctor, lawyer, etc. The irony is, most of those Asian parents aren't doctors, lawyers, etc. but work everyday 9-5 jobs. How they have such high expectations of their children when they themselves have achieved little is beyond me.

WHOAA there. You should have thought this through A LOT before you posted. Its a shame because I thought you were making a good point for the OP before you had to write that.

How well do you think you'd do if you immigrated to China and tried to make a living and raise a family? Do you think you'd be at the top of the societal food chain and be a doctor right off the bat? It ain't easy hotshot.

It's completely clear that you made your trash opinion out of your own ignorance. It's especially funny because asians have a greater percentage graduating from college and becoming professionals than most other minorities - hence the "model minority" argument heard over and over again in the disadvantaged/underrepresented minority admissions debates that crowd the threads on SDN. There are lots of numbers to support this too. Show me hard evidence of asian parents achieving "little in life". I think its more likely that it's just you wanting to believe it's true.

That being said, wrt the OP I agree that parental opinion can get in the way in life. It is also true that moving away from parents helps the cause.

 

[Alexander99]

WHOAA there. You should have thought this through A LOT before you posted. Its a shame because I thought you were making a good point for the OP before you had to write that.

How well do you think you'd do if you immigrated to China and tried to make a living and raise a family? Do you think you'd be at the top of the societal food chain and be a doctor right off the bat? It ain't easy hotshot.

It's completely clear that you made your trash opinion out of your own ignorance. It's especially funny because asians have a greater percentage graduating from college and becoming professionals than most other minorities - hence the "model minority" argument heard over and over again in the disadvantaged/underrepresented minority admissions debates that crowd the threads on SDN. There are lots of numbers to support this too. Show me hard evidence of asian parents achieving "little in life". I think its more likely that it's just you wanting to believe it's true.

That being said, wrt the OP I agree that parental opinion can get in the way in life. It is also true that moving away from parents helps the cause.

No. I'd probably be "working the 9-5" in China too. The only difference is, I'd be doing it so my kids would have the opportunity to be *whatever* they wanted to be, not so they can make lots of money and support me.

 

[hamhamfan]

My dad seems to think getting into medical school is a cinch. He keeps on compaining when I add more volunteering commitments or when I didn't get a LOR from a place where pretty much all I ever did was file.

 

[jlee9531]

No. I'd probably be "working the 9-5" in China too. The only difference is, I'd be doing it so my kids would have the opportunity to be *whatever* they wanted to be, not so they can make lots of money and support me.

but then you have to understand the parents came here cause staying in their native country...they would not have been able to give their kids their opportunities.

back then...success was directly related to amount of money. they dont want us to live like crap and have to suffer what they did. they dont ask to get supported...but it is something that the children should be cognizant of to show thanks. the parents are in a country they are not culturally familiar with and more times than not get disrespected by the majority culture.

in the end the parents will support what you want to do...but their concern for your stable future will never disappear. its just the way they are.

 

[CalBeE]

My parents used to think that getting med school is not as hard as it really is, AND both of them are health care professionals (but outside the U.S.)

However, when I actually went through the application process, they started to talk to their colleagues, and they all unanimously said that as an international application, U.S. med schools are extremely hard to get into. Apparently some of the kids of their colleagues tried and failed, and decided to go back to my home country for med school instead.

That was when my parents realize that it's harder than they think.

 

[hamhamfan]

My parents used to think that getting med school is not as hard as it really is, AND both of them are health care professionals (but outside the U.S.)

However, when I actually went through the application process, they started to talk to their colleagues, and they all unanimously said that as an international application, U.S. med schools are extremely hard to get into. Apparently some of the kids of their colleagues tried and failed, and decided to go back to my home country for med school instead.

That was when my parents realize that it's harder than they think.

Well, my dad went to medical school relatively recently... but even a person on the adcom told us that he got in because of "life experience." He says that he volunteered a couple of days during the summer.

 

[drlexygoat]

I feel your pain...

I'm dealing with unreasonable parents right now as well. Mine could care less that I got into a few schools and are disappointed I didn't get into some of the "big names" across the nation.

Take everything in stride, my friend. YOU know how tough this process is. Don't let your parents bring you down.

 

[Spitting Camel]

I think Alexander needs a little vacation from SDN for a while I almost feel bad for his parents...

 

[felipe5]

My parents have taken a very strong interest in my application process, and I actually really appreciate their input throughout the process. They've been a source of motivation and amelioration from wait-list game that has taken a toll on my ego and patience. Plus, when I go home and see them, they hook it up with the good ol' fashioned home cooking

 

[Alexander99]

I think Alexander needs a little vacation from SDN for a while I almost feel bad for his parents...

Haha. If you only knew my parents, you'd see the humor in your comment.

 

[Alexander99]

My parents have taken a very strong interest in my application process, and I actually really appreciate their input throughout the process. They've been a source of motivation and amelioration from wait-list game that has taken a toll on my ego and patience. Plus, when I go home and see them, they hook it up with the good ol' fashioned home cooking

That's how parents are supposed to be. Does everyone see the difference between felipe5's parents and those that have the nerve to get mad about you getting rejected/waitlisted instead of being supportive?

My comment to those parents would be, "If you're going to get mad at me for not getting in, why don't you try to apply and see how much luck you have? You can start with a 7 hour test called the MCAT. Let me know if you can score in the 10th percentile and I'll be impressed."

I'm sorry but I have a lot of love for positive/supportive parents and nothing but disdain for selfish/unsupportive ones.

 

[DrBodacious]

Sorry to the OP, my advice is to aviod involving your parents, just buck up and make independent decisions. Also, I was in your situation ~ a month ago and then I got pulled up off a waitlist, so don't loose hope for this year yet either. If you have plans to reapply, just do it and stay motivated, things will work out. Most importantly, don't let anyone make you think you've failed if you don't get in this year.

About the whole asian sterotype thing, I've seen the same thing in people of all ethnicities... but why be so hung up on jobs/status, just do something usefull and try to have fun with it, you only live once.

 

[Zweihander]

I'm sorry but I have a lot of love for positive/supportive parents and nothing but disdain for selfish/unsupportive ones.

Point being that it is not a dichotomy between the one and the other. Parents can be loving while also being a complete pain in the ass. I'll speak from experience: I practically cut my family off when I was applying to schools, because all they had to add was bs and tension, and were angry that I had decided to do things my way rather than theirs. In the end though, they really just wanted things to work out for me -- my acceptance wasn't a "Cha-ching!!! We're in the money now!!" but more of a "*sigh of relief* Looks like the kid's going to be okay, we can rest easy now."

Get my drift?


peace

 

[Alexander99]

Point being that it is not a dichotomy between the one and the other. Parents can be loving while also being a complete pain in the ass. I'll speak from experience: I practically cut my family off when I was applying to schools, because all they had to add was bs and tension, and were angry that I had decided to do things my way rather than theirs. In the end though, they really just wanted things to work out for me -- my acceptance wasn't a "Cha-ching!!! We're in the money now!!" but more of a "*sigh of relief* Looks like the kid's going to be okay, we can rest easy now."

Get my drift?


peace

You have a point there but I do still see a lot of completely unsupportive parents out there. These are the same ones that tell you that you should be thrilled that they provide you with food, clothes, and a roof over your head.

My reponse to that classical comment is, "As a matter of fact, it's your obligation to provide me with the bare necessities of life. If you weren't ready to fulfill that obligation, why'd you have children?" No comebacks after that comment.

 

[hamhamfan]

My reponse to that classical comment is, "As a matter of fact, it's your obligation to provide me with the bare necessities of life. If you weren't ready to fulfill that obligation, why'd you have children?" No comebacks after that comment.

Oooh ouch. I'm rarely ever, if ever, as witty as that with my parents. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm clinging onto some dead arguments as the two wear me down.

 

[Zweihander]

Oooh ouch. I'm rarely ever, if ever, as witty as that with my parents. Oftentimes, I feel like I'm clinging onto some dead arguments as the two wear me down.

You call it "witty," I call it "beggin' for a smackin'."

 

[hamhamfan]

You call it "witty," I call it "beggin' for a smackin'."

Actually, now I think of it, I probably wouldn't have the guts to do it. My parents haven't hit me for years though....things kind of cooled down recently.

 

[Eraserhead]

You have a point there but I do still see a lot of completely unsupportive parents out there. These are the same ones that tell you that you should be thrilled that they provide you with food, clothes, and a roof over your head.

My reponse to that classical comment is, "As a matter of fact, it's your obligation to provide me with the bare necessities of life. If you weren't ready to fulfill that obligation, why'd you have children?" No comebacks after that comment.

Alex are you Asian?

 

[Alexander99]

Alex are you Asian?

Does it seem like I am?

 

[Spitting Camel]

Does it seem like I am?

Whatever you are, you need to be smacked around a little. No no, guys! Take a number and get in line...

 

[Alexander99]

Whatever you are, you need to be smacked around a little. No no, guys! Take a number and get in line...

You reminded me of that scene from "Airplane" where there's a line of people with various weapons waiting to get their shot at that histerical lady.

 

[Eraserhead]

Does it seem like I am?

How the hell would I know, its not like I'm observant I'll figure it out Saturday.

 

[Alexander99]

How the hell would I know, its not like I'm observant I'll figure it out Saturday.

You said you were the tall, skinny white guy with glasses, right? I'm the tall, well-built handsome guy without glasses.

 

[Eraserhead]

You said you were the tall, skinny white guy with glasses, right? I'm the tall, well-built handsome guy without glasses.

hahaha white : handsome as asian : ?

 

[Alexander99]

hahaha white : handsome as asian : ?

I see you're trying to master my personal version of the SATs. Hehe. Sorry. I'm feeling fecicious tonight.

 

[Eraserhead]

I see you're trying to master my personal version of the SATs. Hehe. Sorry. I'm feeling fecicious tonight.

My puny brain can't handle this. Back to TV.

 

[Blade28]

To the OP: that situation does suck. I'm sorry to hear your dad can't be more understanding.

 

[chrisfeliciano]

I have asians as perants too and they have no clue what an MCAT is. lol. They think that even though they did put my brother through med school (in the Philippines, not here in the US which makes so much difference) that its the smae process that applies to me. sometimes, i think that parents should just let there 'students' take care of themselves instead of freaking suggesting crap that does not relate to anything at all. However, they make my world turn. They handle my bank accounts, allowances, cars, therefore life. Cant blame them for ignorance to medschool but thats my life.

 

[emily69]

Asian parents... I have a couple of those myself. Fortunately, I have only one unreasonable one like the OP's parents (mom) and one reasonable one (dad). But I could definitely relate to the OP via my mom.

When she is upset at herself for raising such a "f**k-up" like me, she says, "Why didn't you get into UCLA and Stanford like my friend, so-and-so's two daughters who went to each of those schools with a full ride based on academics alone??? Oh well... at least you made it into USC- a California school: That redeems your worth somewhat..."

My answer to her: "Shut the F**CK up! Your friends two daughters that you mentioned are BUTT UGLY (they look like men). I'd rather look like female, pay the expensive tuition, and go to USC!"

end of story. never take their ****. never. And yes, I disrespect her by swearing because she deserves it!

 

[Alexander99]

Asian parents... I have a couple of those myself. Fortunately, I have only one unreasonable one like the OP's parents (mom) and one reasonable one (dad). But I could definitely relate to the OP via my mom.

When she is upset at herself for raising such a "f**k-up" like me, she says, "Why didn't you get into UCLA and Stanford like my friend, so-and-so's two daughters who went to each of those schools with a full ride based on academics alone??? Oh well... at least you made it into USC- a California school: That redeems your worth somewhat..."

My answer to her: "Shut the F**CK up! Your friends two daughters that you mentioned are BUTT UGLY (they look like men). I'd rather look like female, pay the expensive tuition, and go to USC!"

end of story. never take their ****. never. And yes, I disrespect her by swearing because she deserves it!

You should further explain that her friend's daugthers, being butt ugly, have little option but to study all day since interacting with guys is out of the question. Tell her that if you were butt ugly too and had no guys to distract you, you'd be in at Harvard by now. That should shut her up.

By the way, I like your never take **** attitude. Part of the reason why asian parents get like this is cause their foolish asian kids take it like a 90 pound man who recently went to prison. Then again, many asian kids wouldn't be able to have their cool rice rockets and designer clothes were it not for their generous allowances.

 

[Alexander99]

That only works if you are younger then 18. I am pretty sure that once you are 18 your parents can legally throw you out.

On a more positive note, my mom was extremely supportive in my application process. She was there for me when writing those bs secondaries and drove with me to all my interviews. She even filled out my fin aid apps since I was abroad. Now that's true love.

I was ready to get out when I was 16 man, what are you talking about? I think getting thrown out would have been like getting a pardon from a lifetime prison sentence. I wouldn't have been too disappointed.

 

[Zweihander]

Anyone remember that Fresh Prince song?



And if y'all say it was before your time, I'm gonna cry.

 

[periodic]

Anyone remember that Fresh Prince song?



And if y'all say it was before your time, I'm gonna cry.

Now this is the story all about how,
My life got flipped, turned upside down,
And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there,
I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.

In West Philadelphia I was born and raised
On the playground is where I spent most of my days.
Chillin' out, maxin', relaxin all cool,
And all shootin' some b-ball outside of the school.

When a couple of guys who were up to no good,
Started makin' trouble in my neighborhood.
I got in one little fight and my mom got scared,
And said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel Air."

I whistled for a cab, and when it came near,
The license plate said "fresh" and it had dice in the mirror.
If anything I could say that this cat was rare,
But I thought "Nah forget it, Yo home to Bel Air."

I pulled up to the house about seven or eight,
and I yelled to the cabby "Yo homes, smell ya later."
Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there,
To sit on my throne as the Prince of Bel Air.

 

[Zweihander]

I was thinking of "Parents Just Don't Understand."

 

[periodic]

I was thinking of "Parents Just Don't Understand."

Woops, I was thinking of the Fresh Prince getting booted out of his home by his mom and having his life flipped, turned upside down.

Anyway, I know it sucks to have parents who don't understand. I got cut a lot of slack because I did well in school, but my sister was a completely different story -- failing out, piercings, no definite career or potential husband, the whole nine yards. She also never took **** from them :0

 

[Alexander99]

Woops, I was thinking of the Fresh Prince getting booted out of his home by his mom and having his life flipped, turned upside down.

Anyway, I know it sucks to have parents who don't understand. I got cut a lot of slack because I did well in school, but my sister was a completely different story -- failing out, piercings, no definite career or potential husband, the whole nine yards. She also never took **** from them :0

So if she had a potential husband, all her other transgressions would be forgiven? What is this? The 18th century?

 

[HitokiriX]

Hey there, just wanted to let u know that I can totally relate to your feelings. My dad is the typical conservative overseas traditional asian parent. Basically when I was growing up, there was a lot of tension among my friends who were also Chinese because the parents (in any ethnic community) would compare their kids' success and filial honor based on academic achievements. Let's just say I was still verbally abused even in high school. I know my SATs were in the high 1500s but I remember when I brought home my PSAT score (which was 3 points below the national merit scholar), my dad went on a verbal rampage while my sister was having her piano lesson in our home! He was using phrases literally translated as "You are so useless, piece of S*i# (all those swear words with "dan"), I'm disappointed in my only son" etc... and even pushed my head and saying "you're so idiotic and stupid, u'll never get into college, why can't u be like so and so".

Needless to say, I couldn't wait until I left home. In a strange way, my desire to achieve more was partially based on revenge so that one day I could come back and tell call him stupid and idiotic because he wouldn't be able to achieve what I could achieve. But that was then.

In college, things calmed down and I remember when I graduated summa cum laude from Wash U, my dad was surprised and of course proud. And as a Christian, I could forgive him for the things he's said. Since me and my gf are planning to get engaged soon, I also reflect on these values as a parent. I TOTALLY appreciate how my dad is concerned with hard work and family honor but I DO NOT agree with the methods he had used.

As we know, a person's innate personalities tend to repeat themselves through history and it showed up again when I applied to med school. I'm a 1st-time reapplicant and although this second time I got great interviews at high ranked schools, I was still waitlisted. My dad, talking to other chinese parents whose kids are either applying or got in, thinks he knows all the hardships, kinks, and details of the admissions process. He still feels the need to exert some control over what I should say during an interview and to make sure the marathon medal I received is in my suit to show the interviewer (which I didn't show cause I thought it was overdoing it). So I got waitlisted until my last interview at the end of MARCH with a state backup school. I went to interview without my dad's awareness and strangely enough, I got accepted a week later!

My dad found out about the acceptance later and was obviously relieved and grateful. But now, he tells me that perhaps "I deserve better" and thinks that if I can't get into a better school, I'll just "be mediocre like the other kids." GREAT.... can't wait to get married and leave the family.