Would the question posted below bother you?

  • Yes

    Votes: 55 23.7%
  • No

    Votes: 177 76.3%

  • Total voters
    232

CaliGirl14

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Of course it's bothersome. It's also bothersome that some people are taller than me. It's also bothersome that I have to study my ass off while others don't have to and get the same grade. It's also bothersome that I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease.

But hell, what's the point of being bothered by all of this? Sure, it sucks. But there's nothing you can do about it, so...move on.
 

CaliGirl14

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[YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lXTBtvZTZdQ[/YOUTUBE]
 
Jul 11, 2009
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That would not bother me. He is their actual child.. you are only related to them by marriage, and with the divorce rates in this country why should they risk spending their money on you? (no offense)
 
Dec 29, 2009
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I personally would be bothered because it is an irritating situation, but you can't honestly be mad at them for helping their own child and not you.

Additionally, I think it also depends on the disposition of your in-laws in general.

For example, my in-laws help their other children's spouses and families financially on a regular basis. They fund large family vacations and pay for all attendees, even step-grandchildren. If they were to suddenly deny me for some reason, I would take personal offense to this since they have demonstrated themselves as giving people who are willing to help those who are not their blood relatives.

If you had asked for help in the past and they had said no then I definitely think you would have more cause to feel burned now that they are helping someone else.

Honestly I have a step son and I plan to be the primary funder of his higher education (should he pursue it), since I will have a considerably higher income than my spouse and the child's mother is habitually unemployed. I have shared this intention with several people, and a lot of them have made rude comments about how the mother/father of a child should take responsibility etc. Bottom line: you can't expect everyone to want to fund other people's children's educations... Our culture tends to socialize people into strongly believing that parents are a child's primary means to education/advancement, and that it is there sole responsibility...
 

getright

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That would not bother me. He is their actual child.. you are only related to them by marriage, and with the divorce rates in this country why should they risk spending their money on you? (no offense)
I'm going to have to agree. I also think it's pretty unheard of for parents to give ANY monetary items to in-laws.
 

wagmanager

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no it wouldn't, you are not their son. Remember blood is thicker than water
 

rHinO1

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I would definitely not be mad at them. They are helping their child. Now if your wife wanted to go to medical school and they didn't want to help her, then it would be worth being bothered. You will have to make your own way in life, just like 99% of people out there. Use it as an opportunity to build character, not to become bitter. If I had a son in law who got into medical school, I would expect that he was resourceful enough to pay for it. I wouldn't even consider helping him out unless he had exhausted all other options. Most likely your in-laws worked hard for their money and they should be allowed to spend it however they want. Also, they would have to be extremely loaded to pay for two peoples medical school education. I'm sure there are things that they want to buy for themselves that cost $100,000+.
 

Janieve

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I don't know. I wouldn't feel comfortable taking money from anyone, but that's just how I've always been. Would I be a little jealous that he gets to have it a little easier than I do? Probably, yeah. But that's about the extent of it.

Just be cordial to your in-laws, man. If worse comes to worst and you're faced with an insufferable brother-in-law with Mommy and Daddy's money to burn while you're subsisting on macaroni and tomato paste...well, just remind yourself that all that was part of the package when you married your wife.

Here's hoping it works out for the best!
 

vickpick

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basically, if you're under thirty right now, meaning.. u married their daugther at age 23 or below.. then they must not like you or agree with your marriage. they might show they do, but they don't. if they have the money, and they've grown to like/love you, then they'd help.
 

RogueUnicorn

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why has no one commented on how funny this is given the OP's name? kudos, bleargh
probably because you, me, and the OP are the only ones nerdy enough to find that humorous.. but thanks.
 

DrBowtie

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You marry sugar mommas not sugar grandparents. I'm bothered that you are bothered.
 
OP
Perforin
Apr 26, 2009
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You marry sugar mommas not sugar grandparents. I'm bothered that you are bothered.
I didn't marry at all for money. Like I said, I don't expect anything from anybody, and getting 0 help from parents/in-laws has never bothered me at all in the past. The only reason I'm kind of bothered is that I personally find it strange to shell out 40k/year for your son (also married) so he can live comfortably, and you give 0 to your daughter, who is in a terrible financial situation and lives off top ramen.

And I'll repeat, don't blow this out of proportion and make me sound all bitter, angry, jealous, etc... All I said is that I'm slightly bothered by it, and I just wanted to hear other people's opinions. After spending a few more minutes on this thread, I'll probably forget about this subject until the next time I have to sign on the dotted line for my loans.
 

DrBowtie

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I didn't marry at all for money. Like I said, I don't expect anything from anybody, and getting 0 help from parents/in-laws has never bothered me at all in the past. The only reason I'm kind of bothered is that I personally find it strange to shell out 40k/year for your son (also married) so he can live comfortably, and you give 0 to your daughter, who is in a terrible financial situation and lives off top ramen.

And I'll repeat, don't blow this out of proportion and make me sound all bitter, angry, jealous, etc... All I said is that I'm slightly bothered by it, and I just wanted to hear other people's opinions. After spending a few more minutes on this thread, I'll probably forget about this subject until the next time I have to sign on the dotted line for my loans.
It's one thing to funnel money to your wife. Its another to funnel it to you for tuition.
 

ScronCron

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If I were like a son to them and they were disgustingly rich, then maybe I'd be a little upset. Even then, her parents would probably have a trust fund set aside for her so it won't matter in the long run and their assets are better protected that way.
 
OP
Perforin
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It's one thing to funnel money to your wife. Its another to funnel it to you for tuition.
But helping with my tuition is essentially funneling money to my wife, is it not? We are a married couple, you know, with the same checking account, same savings account, etc... Any money that helps me out helps her out. Just sayin...
 

mannyowens

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IMO there is a reason she takes on your last name after marriage, because she is being married out of the family. I don't feel that they are in any way obligated to extend you favors comparative to that of their children...regardless of how rich they are. You are your own man, starting your own family and that responsibility should rest primarily on your shoulders. Just to throw a question out there, if they did offer to fund your medical education, how many men out there would accept that offer? I wouldn't.
 

DrBowtie

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But helping with my tuition is essentially funneling money to my wife, is it not? We are a married couple, you know, with the same checking account, same savings account, etc... Any money that helps me out helps her out. Just sayin...
In the event of a split, you take 100% of the benefit in your paid tuition whereas throwing a few thousand to her for your living expenses, she gets some use out of and had you not been married probably would have gone to her anyways.

The debt from tuition and debt from living expenses is not the same.
 

Geekchick921

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I just think its strange that, if they have the resources, they wouldn't help you (and, invariably, their daughter) lower some debt. It only makes sense, if they are willing to do it for their son they should do it for their daughter. You two will share the debt - it isn't just a matter of son vs son-in-law.
That's kind of my thought as well. You have been together for a long time, so it's not like they have much reason to think you will take their help and run. I can't help but think they do not approve of your marriage to their daughter.

I am counting my lucky stars right now. While my in-laws are far from wealthy, they are comfortable. My husband is an only child and we have been together since I was 16. I am like a daughter to them (and the sole source of spoilable grandchildren). I do not expect they will help with my tuition, they have offered to help with the application process.
 

plauto

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look at it this way....when one day they need your help, you won't feel obligated to help. Their biologic son instead not so much.
 

JoshUNCW

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I didn't marry at all for money. Like I said, I don't expect anything from anybody, and getting 0 help from parents/in-laws has never bothered me at all in the past. The only reason I'm kind of bothered is that I personally find it strange to shell out 40k/year for your son (also married) so he can live comfortably, and you give 0 to your daughter, who is in a terrible financial situation and lives off top ramen.

And I'll repeat, don't blow this out of proportion and make me sound all bitter, angry, jealous, etc... All I said is that I'm slightly bothered by it, and I just wanted to hear other people's opinions. After spending a few more minutes on this thread, I'll probably forget about this subject until the next time I have to sign on the dotted line for my loans.
Even living off loans you shouldn't be living off top roman. Nor should your wife. Reassess where your moneys going.
 
Dec 1, 2009
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probably because you, me, and the OP are the only ones nerdy enough to find that humorous.. but thanks.
Maybe her parents don't like a "MAC" daddy...hardy har har.

Perforin:

In all seriousness, your in-laws should be proud that their son-in-law is a future doctor. I am surprised, it almost sounds they have disowned her.
 

Ischemic

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Maybe it's their passive aggressive way of showing that they didn't approve of the marriage in the first place. Just saying ...

I kid, I kid maybe you should get some grandchildren for them... old people like grandkids.
 

Rollo

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Yes, it would bother me.

Simply because they could at least offer your wife some money to help pay for household things like buying new furniture or new microwave or whatever. I'm not saying that they are obligated to help their daughter but were it my daughter who was married to somebody like you in your position, I'd definitely give her money so at least some of the stress is lifted off your shoulders.

What does your wife think about all of this?
 
Mar 11, 2010
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why is this in pre-allo?

+1 on whomever said divorce rates in this country are relevant. Maybe they'll help on some joint investment b/n you and your wife - like a house.
 

scooter02

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I am bothered by THIS...

IMO there is a reason she takes on your last name after marriage, because she is being married out of the family.
FYI, getting married doesn't mean you are no longer a part of your own family... also, many women are married and do not change their last name...

I thought we were in 2010 not 1950!!
 

mannyowens

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I am bothered by THIS...



FYI, getting married doesn't mean you are no longer a part of your own family... also, many women are married and do not change their last name...

I thought we were in 2010 not 1950!!
Lol I did not mean that literally. I am fully aware that you are still a part of your own family. Point is that you are starting your own family now, no longer under the care of MOMMY AND DADDY. There is nothing wrong with your parents or in-laws helping you out when in a time of need. However, it should not be viewed as an obligation or responsibility. The fact that the OP feels bothered that his IN-LAWS would rather pay for their SONS' tuition rather than his makes me wonder what his true intentions were in marrying someone from this RICH family...but as you clearly stated, maybe I am just behind the times. I guess because your in-laws are rich they should also pay your mortgage, car note or anything else to make your life easier. After all, you did them the favor of marrying their daughter right!
 

45408

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basically, if you're under thirty right now, meaning.. u married their daugther at age 23 or below.. then they must not like you or agree with your marriage. they might show they do, but they don't. if they have the money, and they've grown to like/love you, then they'd help.
I clicked your MDapps profile because I figured you were Asian, and I was right. This seems to be a more prevalent concept in Asian families, but it is certainly not the case in white families.

It doesn't seem abnormal to me at all. OP - did they help your wife with any of her student loans or tuition?
 

sassilysweet

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I agree that it seems weird that they aren't helping out their daughter AT ALL and then paying $40,000/yr for tuition for the son. Especially if he is also married.
Are they uber-traditional? As in you own your wife now? Did they give a dowry or something? Heh.

I just think if you are going to help out one of your children then you should help out the other and not pick favorites. Unless there is some express clause in their giving him money in which they are going to live with him in their "golden years".
 

Food

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Don't worry about it man, keep your head up, and when the time comes, the fact that nobody helped you out with anything will be worth a lot. For example when you try to motivate your kids into making something out of their lives. No, but seriously, your achievements would have added value to them, I think.
 

mannyowens

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Really? It wouldn't bother me in the least. It would actually bother me if they wanted to pay for any of my schooling. I feel uncomfortable enough with (future) inlaws getting me a gift for my birthday or Christmas.

Did your wife's parents help pay for *her* education? If so then her parents have already done more than their fair share to help you and your wife out. Besides, she is married now and that changes things considerably. She presumably knew the lifestyle she was marrying into and that was her choice.
:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup: was starting to think I was the only one that shared this point of view
 

EulerianCircuit

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It wouldn't bother me unless they were throwing it in your face that their son was in a better financial situation than you.

Maybe the son said he wouldn't go to med school unless they paid for it and they really want their little boy to be a doctor?:idea:
 

ScronCron

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I do somewhat agree with the cultural component of "being a man" and "paying your own way".

Additionally, it might add a strange dynamic to your relationship if your in-laws paid your tuition. Would you feel like you owed her in-laws something? How would your parents feel about your in-laws supporting your medical school? Would your parents be angry? Embarrassed? Would it highlight a disparity in socio-economic background between you and your wife's family (ex. your wife married outside of her "class")?

The dynamics of the situation are very complicated.

(Note: It is not my intention to be offensive mentioning socio-economic status and "class". Notions of "class" are more subtle in modern society, but they still do exist.)
 
OP
Perforin
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My in-laws have a ton of money but don't/won't pay my tuition. Does it bother me? Not really.. I never expected anyone to pay for it. Do I wish they would, since they can clearly afford it? Absolutely.
That really isn't the issue at all that I'm discussing. The issue would never have come up if they hadn't payed for their sons 40k tuition. I still don't expect them to pay for my tuition or necessarily even want them to. Even with my own children, even if I have a ton of money I don't think I'll pay for their entire medical school tuition if they decided to go that route. I may help them out here and there, but they will have to pay for the majority on their won. That being said, if I was going to pay and help my son out 40k/year while he was in medical school so he wasn't in debt, I would feel kind of strange if I completely neglected my daughter who was in a terrible financial situation because her husband was in medical school.

And for someone else who asked, my wife had a scholarship in undergraduate so they didn't have to pay for her schooling.

Just to repeat, the issue here IS NOT THAT I'M BOTHERED THAT I'M NOT GETTING ANY MONEY, I TRULY DON'T EXPECT ANY. The issue is that I find it strange to shell out the cash to the son and neglect your daughter and son in law. If they didn't give their son any money, none of this would be an issue.
 

nickmx50

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I would only be bothered by this only if for some reason they had been dishonest about being able to help you in the past. If you never asked for assistance then it's kinda hard to get upset at the in-laws. It really depends on how your relationsip is with your in-laws and how much you involved them in your process of going to medical school. The more you involve them in your future the better chance you have to get them to contribute to it. In my case, my wife and I supported my brother-in-law through junior college with no help from the in-laws. Even though they probably won't be able to help me now, I'm still involving them in the process, and will create an opportunity from them to assist me.
 
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That really isn't the issue at all that I'm discussing. The issue would never have come up if they hadn't payed for their sons 40k tuition. I still don't expect them to pay for my tuition or necessarily even want them to. Even with my own children, even if I have a ton of money I don't think I'll pay for their entire medical school tuition if they decided to go that route. I may help them out here and there, but they will have to pay for the majority on their won. That being said, if I was going to pay and help my son out 40k/year while he was in medical school so he wasn't in debt, I would feel kind of strange if I completely neglected my daughter who was in a terrible financial situation because her husband was in medical school.

And for someone else who asked, my wife had a scholarship in undergraduate so they didn't have to pay for her schooling.

Just to repeat, the issue here IS NOT THAT I'M BOTHERED THAT I'M NOT GETTING ANY MONEY, I TRULY DON'T EXPECT ANY. The issue is that I find it strange to shell out the cash to the son and neglect your daughter and son in law. If they didn't give their son any money, none of this would be an issue.
There is a parable of the two beggars:

Two poor men walk down the same street. One asks every person he sees for money. The other stays quiet and upset that he's poor.

The man who asks everyone for money, little by little, collects enough to eat. The quiet man starves.

If you haven't asked for help, it shouldn't bug you that they don't offer. Have you considered they may not want to step on your toes...perhaps thinking you want to make it on your own? Do they know how dire of a financial situation you two are in together? I'm willing to bet their son asked for help.
 

Van Chowder

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Why would that bother you? 1) they are not your biological folks and 2) how do you know that they simply do not have the funds to put you BOTH through medical school?
 
OP
Perforin
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Why would that bother you? 1) they are not your biological folks and 2) how do you know that they simply do not have the funds to put you BOTH through medical school?
1. Their daughter (my wife) is their biological daughter. She is also slightly bothered by this. Neither of us are mad, but just slightly annoyed.
2. Trust me, they have the funds.
 

brooklynblunder

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No. I think there's a significant difference between son-in-law and son.
No. I think there's a significant difference between son-in-law and son.
No. I think there's a significant difference between son-in-law and son.
No. I think there's a significant difference between son-in-law and son.
No. I think there's a significant difference between son-in-law and son.
No. I think there's a significant difference between son-in-law and son.
No. I think there's a significant difference between son-in-law and son.
this
 

rHinO1

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That really isn't the issue at all that I'm discussing. The issue would never have come up if they hadn't payed for their sons 40k tuition. I still don't expect them to pay for my tuition or necessarily even want them to. Even with my own children, even if I have a ton of money I don't think I'll pay for their entire medical school tuition if they decided to go that route. I may help them out here and there, but they will have to pay for the majority on their won. That being said, if I was going to pay and help my son out 40k/year while he was in medical school so he wasn't in debt, I would feel kind of strange if I completely neglected my daughter who was in a terrible financial situation because her husband was in medical school.

And for someone else who asked, my wife had a scholarship in undergraduate so they didn't have to pay for her schooling.

Just to repeat, the issue here IS NOT THAT I'M BOTHERED THAT I'M NOT GETTING ANY MONEY, I TRULY DON'T EXPECT ANY. The issue is that I find it strange to shell out the cash to the son and neglect your daughter and son in law. If they didn't give their son any money, none of this would be an issue.
Despite claiming other wise you come off as sounding very entitled to other peoples money. You're obviously jealous of your brother-in-law because someone is paying his tuition. There is a big difference between paying for YOUR medical education and helping their daughter. You are an adult and should take responsibility for your own expenses. Even if it was your biological parents they should not be expected to pay your way. Let them spend THEIR money on what they want.

Whether the money comes from them or from loans either way you will have a similar lifestyle, just less money to pay back later.
 
OP
Perforin
Apr 26, 2009
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Despite claiming other wise you come off as sounding very entitled to other peoples money. You're obviously jealous of your brother-in-law because someone is paying his tuition. There is a big difference between paying for YOUR medical education and helping their daughter. You are an adult and should take responsibility for your own expenses. Even if it was your biological parents they should not be expected to pay your way. Let them spend THEIR money on what they want.

Whether the money comes from them or from loans either way you will have a similar lifestyle, just less money to pay back later.
I promise you I don't feel entitled to other peoples money. I guess no matter how many times I repeat it some people, like yourself, will not believe me. I am on an anonymous forum here, if I felt like I were entitled to someone's money I would come out and say it.

It makes me laugh how some people on this forum don't understand how helping me helps their daughter, who I am married too. We have a lot of things we desperately need but can't afford because we are already up to our neck in loans.

I am an adult, and I am responsible for my own expenses. Just by bringing up a debate about whether or not people find this situation somewhat strange doesn't mean I'm not an adult and I'm not responsible.

All I know, and at least some people agree with me, is that with my future family, if I am going to help out my son's family I would also help out my daughter's family. That's just the way I roll though.
 
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Eventually the inheritance should even it out some, no? j/k

Your wife has an education, does she not work? Either way, I agree it sounds like you're mismanaging your finances if you're living on ramen even if you're existing entirely on loans. I think you have a different definition of "terrible financial situation" than other people might. If your wife needs something she should ask them for it, they are her parents.

Why do you even know this much about their money and what they do with it? It seems tacky and THAT would bother me if the info is coming directly from them. If you're making assumptions about what they have, stop it. They paid for your wife's education, now they are paying for their son's, you should be delighted you're not stuck paying her loans and yours.