Would this bother you?

[MedStudentWanna]

Two thoughts come to mind.

First, has your wife asked for their help in day-to-day expenses since you guys are living off loans? What does your wife do for a living? Perhaps they don't know you guys are having financial problems.

Second, how old are you? If you and your wife have been together six years, I assume you're not a traditional student. If you're both in your 30s, perhaps they feel that you're both old enough to pay your own way.

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[rHinO1]

I promise you I don't feel entitled to other peoples money. I guess no matter how many times I repeat it some people, like yourself, will not believe me. I am on an anonymous forum here, if I felt like I were entitled to someone's money I would come out and say it.

It makes me laugh how some people on this forum don't understand how helping me helps their daughter, who I am married too. We have a lot of things we desperately need but can't afford because we are already up to our neck in loans.

I am an adult, and I am responsible for my own expenses. Just by bringing up a debate about whether or not people find this situation somewhat strange doesn't mean I'm not an adult and I'm not responsible.

All I know, and at least some people agree with me, is that with my future family, if I am going to help out my son's family I would also help out my daughter's family. That's just the way I roll though.

The reason you come off entitled in my opinion is for 2 reasons:

1) It would never occur to me to be bothered by this, beacause I would not have even the slightest expectation of my in-laws paying for my education.

2) You presented this situation as: to help us they should pay for my education, since they are doing it for their son. There are a lot of other ways they could help you (and your wife) besides paying your tuition. I think some peoples attitude would be that you and your wife chose to get married before finishing medical school, now you have to work your way out of the situation you created for yourselves. If you have loans and your wife works, then you should not be "in a terrible financial situation."

If you weren't in medical school and you put yourself in debt, would you expect them to bail you out?

 

[xanthomondo]

...as if there wasn't enough pressure on you to succeed in medical school. Imagine having to go through it all AND answer to your IN LAWS (which are now your boss).

"Why didn't you honor?! You're wasting our money!!!"

"uhhh"

 

[Perforin]

If you weren't in medical school and you put yourself in debt, would you expect them to bail you out?

I am going to stop looking at this thread because obviously people aren't reading what I am saying and don't understand the point of this thread. I don't expect a bail out, I never said that I did. So questions like this are completely irrelevant.

My whole point of this thread was to find out if people thought it was strange to help out their son's family but not the daughters family, especially when the two families were struggling through the same situation (medical school).

I'm out. I can't waste any more time with people than don't understand what I'm saying and start making up crap like this rHINO genius.

 

[xanthomondo]

I am going to stop looking at this thread because obviously people aren't reading what I am saying and don't understand the point of this thread. I don't expect a bail out, I never said that I did. So questions like this are completely irrelevant.

My whole point of this thread was to find out if people thought it was strange to help out their son's family but not the daughters family, especially when the two families were struggling through the same situation (medical school).

I'm out. I can't waste any more time with people than don't understand what I'm saying and start making up crap like this rHINO genius.

Meh, you're just frustrated that most people don't share your opinion.

 

[auburnO5]

I am going to stop looking at this thread because obviously people aren't reading what I am saying and don't understand the point of this thread. I don't expect a bail out, I never said that I did. So questions like this are completely irrelevant.

My whole point of this thread was to find out if people thought it was strange to help out their son's family but not the daughters family, especially when the two families were struggling through the same situation (medical school).

I'm out. I can't waste any more time with people than don't understand what I'm saying and start making up crap like this rHINO genius.

I get what you're saying Perforin.. and to answer your question, yes, it would bother me a little bit.

 

[DrBowtie]

Meh, you're just frustrated that most people don't share your opinion.

Exactly. You wouldn't have made the thread if it truly didn't bother you.

 

[Perforin]

Meh, you're just frustrated that most people don't share your opinion.

Okay I lied I'm back. I'm not frustrated that people don't agree with me. That's why I created a poll, I was interested in what other people had to say. And I appreciate the differing opinions. But, I do start to get frustrated when people start to make things up and insinuate that I feel entitled to other peoples money.

 

[rHinO1]

Okay I lied I'm back. I'm not frustrated that people don't agree with me. That's why I created a poll, I was interested in what other people had to say. And I appreciate the differing opinions. But, I do start to get frustrated when people start to make things up and insinuate that I feel entitled to other peoples money.

I didn't insinuate... I made a clear statement of my opinion. I'm glad you decided not to take your toys and go home

 

[Perforin]

I didn't insinuate... I made a clear statement of my opinion. I'm glad you decided not to take your toys and go home

Your opinion was way off.

 

[DrBowtie]

Your opinion was way off.

In your opinion.

 

[clinicallabguy]

It's natural to feel this way. I'm bothered by people who act as if they've never been annoyed by something like this. All the holier-than-thou, I would never feel such things, I think you're entitled, etc. is garbage. We all would like our tuitions to be taken care of without having to go through the headache ourselves. I know I would. I can't even get my parents to file their taxes on time so that I can be considered for need based aid. Last year I got a lot of need based aid (because I lived close to them and nagged them relentlessly), and now they think it's too hard to meet the deadline. So yes it's frustrating when I don't get support, and other people are taken care of. But, my feelings are not necessarily justified. I have a lot in my life to be thankful for, too.

I don't feel that it's justified to be upset at your in-laws because of this (and I understand that you're not upset. You don't sound upset). Also, unless you are actually aware of the paychecks that your in-laws get you may overestimate their "inexhaustible" funds. They may or may not be really able to afford both your and your brother-in-law's tuition regardless of how it appears on the outside. It will be good for you have to build your estate on your own. It builds character, and if you ever do get in trouble I'd bet they'll be willing to assist.

 

[175961]

meh......when you're a doc making money and livin' the life they will be old and decrepit and call you and your wife up and say, "kids, we're old...we need to come live with you in your big house so you can take care of us and wipe our butts and bathe us and feed us, pleeeeease" you put that middle finger up in the air and say, "HELLLZZZZ NO!!!! go live with your SON!!!!!"

 

[RogueUnicorn]

don't know why everyone is so pissed at perforin. one must admit it's a bit odd that they are not helping one iota to the person whose finances their daughter is tied to while FULLY funding the other child's ride.

 

[RogueUnicorn]

meh......when you're a doc making money and livin' the life they will be old and decrepit and call you and your wife up and say, "kids, we're old...we need to come live with you in your big house so you can take care of us and wipe our butts and bathe us and feed us, pleeeeease" you put that middle finger up in the air and say, "HELLLZZZZ NO!!!! go live with your SON!!!!!"

some serious truth right here. nothing is as freeing as not owing anybody a damn thing

 

[Tiktaalik]

It wouldn't bother me.
In fact, I would feel horribly awkward if my in-laws offered me that kind of money, and I would probably refuse.

 

[brooklynblunder]

didnt they help out with the wedding at all?

 

[metallica81788]

I get what you're saying Perforin.. and to answer your question, yes, it would bother me a little bit.

 

[Cybii]

I'm a 2nd year Medical Student up to my neck in student loans. I've gotten no help from my parents or my in-laws (I've been married 6 years). None of that bothers me at all, I don't feel entitled to anything from anybody.

My brother-in-law is starting Medical School this fall, and in-laws have hinted that they are going to pay his entire tuition. For some reason this bothers me, even though he is their "biologic" son and I am just a son-in-law. WOULD THIS BOTHER YOU? (POLL QUESTION)

Once again, I don't feel entitled to anything, but I'm in a terrible financial situation and for some reason am annoyed by this. (My in-laws have tons of money).

Crap, I don't think my poll question was worded correctly. But you get the point. Would this situation bother you, yes or no?

The way I rationalize their actions is this: see it through their eyes."You married our daughter, now it's YOU that should be the one supporting/taking responsibility for your family."

Maybe if you brought it up to them how you're in a financial fix they would offer to help? Maybe they didn't want to hurt your pride and never offered to help? Maybe your wife can ask for some money, and then use that money to pay for school?

 

[Narmerguy]

I imagine they would see that as your parents' job.

However, many generations of doctors have got on fine with just loans so it's not too bad if they give you the shunt. I personally wouldn't be bothered but that's perhaps because no one in my family gets along with their in-laws very well so we'd be happy for a pleasant card.

 

[Rollo]

Perforin,

ASK them for some help or small loan (don't outright ask them for a large sum though).

They may see you as the man who is self-reliant and proud enough to manage his finances and take care of his wife. They don't want to "insult" you by offering you money.

So ask if you feel that whatever small amount they can offer you would truly alleviate the financial debt you might be in.

I bet they wouldn't mind helping you out IF you agree to pay back their money in a certain period of time with reasonable interest.

That is what I would expect from my son-in-law if I were to lend him a reasonably large amount of cash.

 

[Perforin]

In your opinion.

No, that's not "in my opinion". Me stating that I don't feel entitled to other people's money is fact. I, for one, know what I feel entitled to. If I felt entitled to their money, I would say so. I don't care what you think of me so why should I hold anything back?

Rhinodude, on the other hand, randomly saying that I feel entitled to other peoples money, is an OPINION.

 

[Perforin]

And I've enjoyed the last 8 posts or so, makes me feel not so strange and evil for being slightly bothered by this whole situation. And yes, they did help pay for the wedding 6 years ago, and I'm very thankful for that. And yes, it will be nice not feeling like I owe them something for the rest of my life.

 

[mannyowens]

No, that's not "in my opinion". Me stating that I don't feel entitled to other people's money is fact. I, for one, know what I feel entitled to. If I felt entitled to their money, I would say so. I don't care what you think of me so why should I hold anything back?

Rhinodude, on the other hand, randomly saying that I feel entitled to other peoples money, is an OPINION.

Just because you dont feel like you are entitled to other peoples money, doesnt mean you dont come off that way.

 

[casillas]

no matter how tight you think you are with them. you are still not the son they brought up. They don't owe you anything, why should they dip into their retirement fund for someone with no blood relations?

 

[Perforin]

no matter how tight you think you are with them. you are still not the son they brought up. They don't owe you anything, why should they dip into their retirement fund for someone with no blood relations?

I never said they owe me anything.

Once again, I am just viewing this differently than you are. If I were a parent of two children, a son and a daughter, and I chose to help out my son's family while they were in medical school, I would feel a little strange not helping out my DAUGHTER's family while they were in medical school.

 

[Gifted Hands]

OP, I could kind of see how you would be bothered that they are willing to shell out that much for the brother but not really give to your wife... but I think transferring that line of thought to pay for YOUR tuition is where you lose me.


You are not their responsibility. And even though it seems like paying off your debt would be helping their daughter in the short term, in reality it's only helping you since you get the fruits of that directly. If I was loaded with cash it would never even cross my mind to pay for my son-in-law's tuition. Buy a house? sure. That's an investment you both can share and I can clearly see how it benefits my child.


Are your in-laws aware that you two are struggling? Have they offered at all to help with anything? Why don't you ask if you can take a loan out from them instead of the loan companies.

 

[shiftingmirage]

How are you that financially bad if the wife went to UG for free? You're taking out loans to cover your school expenses, if the Ms. is working, why can't she make enough to pay rent, utilities, etc., while the loans pay for tuition?

I may be irked cause, who wouldn't like school paid for, but in the end of the day, the in-laws are the parents of their kids, and their kids only. They have a responsibility to raise them how they see fit, and to some, that includes paying for higher education. But you're not their kid, so that obligation isn't there.

I know the economy is rough, so maybe the wife is having difficulty getting a job, but if she is employed, why can't she cover all living expenses?

 

[Perforin]

How are you that financially bad if the wife went to UG for free? You're taking out loans to cover your school expenses, if the Ms. is working, why can't she make enough to pay rent, utilities, etc., while the loans pay for tuition?

I may be irked cause, who wouldn't like school paid for, but in the end of the day, the in-laws are the parents of their kids, and their kids only. They have a responsibility to raise them how they see fit, and to some, that includes paying for higher education. But you're not their kid, so that obligation isn't there.

I know the economy is rough, so maybe the wife is having difficulty getting a job, but if she is employed, why can't she cover all living expenses?

Because we have one small child under 2 and another one on the way. She would rather take out more loans and be able to be a mother than put our kids in daycare so she could work.

And I shouldn't overreact and say we are in a terrible situation. Plenty of people have to take out tuition money and loan money, and I'll be able to pay it back someday quite easily when I start working.

 

[Perforin]

How are you that financially bad if the wife went to UG for free? You're taking out loans to cover your school expenses, if the Ms. is working, why can't she make enough to pay rent, utilities, etc., while the loans pay for tuition?

I may be irked cause, who wouldn't like school paid for, but in the end of the day, the in-laws are the parents of their kids, and their kids only. They have a responsibility to raise them how they see fit, and to some, that includes paying for higher education. But you're not their kid, so that obligation isn't there.

I know the economy is rough, so maybe the wife is having difficulty getting a job, but if she is employed, why can't she cover all living expenses?

Hmmm. Fine, ignore my tuition for a moment and still look at the situation. I still find it odd that they shell out 40k for the son and won't help the daughter at all with living expenses, or even to help pay for the birth of her child ($7500 deductible for pregnancy with our current private health insurance). And another $7500 on the way for child #2.

As a future parent, I will treat my kids equally. I will pay for their college, but if they want to pursue anything beyond that they will pay for it. I don't agree with spending 40k/year on a son for 4 years and leaving the daughter out to try. I would have no problem if my in-laws gave both of us 0. It's the inequality that bothers me.

And for those who may judge and say I shouldn't have kids if I am financially burdened, just remember that I will be able to pay off my loans just fine in a few more years.

 

[clinicallabguy]

Hmmm. Fine, ignore my tuition for a moment and still look at the situation. I still find it odd that they shell out 40k for the son and won't help the daughter at all with living expenses, or even to help pay for the birth of her child ($7500 deductible for pregnancy with our current private health insurance). And another $7500 on the way for child #2.

As a future parent, I will treat my kids equally. I will pay for their college, but if they want to pursue anything beyond that they will pay for it. I don't agree with spending 40k/year on a son for 4 years and leaving the daughter out to try. I would have no problem if my in-laws gave both of us 0. It's the inequality that bothers me.

And for those who may judge and say I shouldn't have kids if I am financially burdened, just remember that I will be able to pay off my loans just fine in a few more years.

Congrats on the kid. I'm in your same situation (2 kids). It's fun. I love coming home to my family and being able to escape med school and studies for a little bit everyday.

I think in several decades the most important thing to you will be having good relations with your family. This will not be a defining aspect of your relationship if you don't let it. Peoples idea of fair differs, so don't take it too personally.

 

[Gifted Hands]

I'm not sure what you want them to do? Just offer to pay everything all the time to always give the appearance of being fair? You give when its needed depending on what your in-laws see fit to provide.


I'm not wealthy by any means, but my parents are helping me pay for both my undergrad loans and my med school loans. I have a brother that has a significant scholarship to undergrad and may not pursue graduate school. Should they buy him a car or put a down payment on a house or give him $100k to make it equal? No. That's not how it works. Otherwise it's a never ending circle of tit-for-tat.

If my brother needs it, they will give it. Her family doesn't see you as needing it right now. Maybe you should make it more clear that you guys need assistance... but it would be a hard sell to convince them to pay for your debt IMO. I'm sure they might be more interested in helping with something else that involves their daughter more directly.

 

[Perforin]

I'm not sure what you want them to do? Just offer to pay everything all the time to always give the appearance of being fair? You give when its needed depending on what your in-laws see fit to provide.


I'm not wealthy by any means, but my parents are helping me pay for both my undergrad loans and my med school loans. I have a brother that has a significant scholarship to undergrad and may not pursue graduate school. Should they buy him a car or put a down payment on a house or give him $100k to make it equal? No. That's not how it works. Otherwise it's a never ending circle of tit-for-tat.

If my brother needs it, they will give it. Her family doesn't see you as needing it right now. Maybe you should make it more clear that you guys need assistance.

I want to treat my kids equally and you don't. Interesting. It's really not that complicated to treat them equally. You aren't complaining because you came out with a lot more money than your brother. I don't think I would be bothered either if the tables were turned in my situation.

As a parent, I am going to set aside "college" money for my kids. If they go to college, it will be used for their tuition. If they get a scholarship, they will get the cash. If they don't go to college, but want to use that for other worthy goals, then so be it. Done, end of discussion. If they want to go to more school after that they are on their own. Everyone is treated fairly. Not too complicated.

 

[Gifted Hands]

HaHa I think it's a little funny you are getting so upset about this. Different strokes for different folks, okay?

You are looking at it purely in a number value sense. They are giving him $200k, why aren't they giving my family the same amount? Wah. My family/culture/whatever you want to call it looks at it differently. You give when needed. My brother doesn't need it YET. I'm sure he will eventually and they will be more than happy to give whatever they can when he NEEDS it. My family doesn't go raining money on the other one just because they spent money on the other. Actually they just bought him a spring break trip to Miami. I'm going to call them and demand they spend the same amount on me and pay my gas money for the month.



I fundamentally don't disagree with you at all. I think her parents should be more than willing to help you guys when you need it since they are so generously helping her brother during his time of need. Where I disagree with you is your idea of them helping you = paying YOUR tuition! At least that's my take. Good luck.

 

[Perforin]

HaHa I think it's a little funny you are getting so upset about this. Different strokes for different folks, okay?

You are looking at it purely in a number value sense. They are giving him $200k, why aren't they giving my family the same amount? Wah. My family/culture/whatever you want to call it looks at it differently. You give when needed. My brother doesn't need it YET. I'm sure he will eventually and they will be more than happy to give whatever they can when he NEEDS it. My family doesn't go raining money on the other one just because they spent money on the other. Actually they just bought him a spring break trip to Miami. I'm going to call them and demand they spend the same amount on me and pay my gas money for the month.

I fundamentally don't disagree with you at all. I think her parents should be more than willing to help you guys when you need it since they are so generously helping her brother during his time of need. Where I disagree with you is your idea of them helping you = paying YOUR tuition! At least that's my take. Good luck.

I'm not upset. I'm just intrigued that equality is such a foreign concept to you. And I'm not suggesting to go nuts on equality over pennies and small amounts, but 40k/year for a son and 0 for a daughter who is having to take out private loans to pop out babies and eat does seem strange to me.

But, every one can parent how they want to. But I am all for fairness and equality. You are much more likely to get your children mad at you, or each other, if you start favoring one over the other though.

 

[DrBowtie]

It's entirely possible that it isn't the pure financial status that is prompting them to pay. In conferring with some classmates, they toldme their parents would pay for any and all education for them. Hence if your wife was in med school or went back to school they'd probably foot the bill. But they aren't going to just give her money to support a certain lifestyle that isn't an investment in her future.

 

[Dr Lyss]

It's entirely possible that it isn't the pure financial status that is prompting them to pay. In conferring with some classmates, they toldme their parents would pay for any and all education for them. Hence if your wife was in med school or went back to school they'd probably foot the bill. But they aren't going to just give her money to support a certain lifestyle that isn't an investment in her future.

This is how my parents are & they act in the same way gifted hands was discussing. Education is huge to my family so they will help in anyway, but that doesn't mean they will have a free-for-all on the other child to make everything balance out... plus paying your loans =/= helping their daughter since you are the one walking away with the MD, not her.


You are better off without their money anyway. If they paid your loans you would forever be indebted to them (and Thanksgiving would probably suck)

 

[thefritz]

I'm a 2nd year Medical Student up to my neck in student loans. I've gotten no help from my parents or my in-laws (I've been married 6 years). None of that bothers me at all, I don't feel entitled to anything from anybody.

My brother-in-law is starting Medical School this fall, and in-laws have hinted that they are going to pay his entire tuition. For some reason this bothers me, even though he is their "biologic" son and I am just a son-in-law. WOULD THIS BOTHER YOU? (POLL QUESTION)

Once again, I don't feel entitled to anything, but I'm in a terrible financial situation and for some reason am annoyed by this. (My in-laws have tons of money).

Crap, I don't think my poll question was worded correctly. But you get the point. Would this situation bother you, yes or no?

No, that wouldn't bother me. If I were in your shoes and my in-laws offered to pay for my schooling, I would decline.

 

[Rollo]

Perforin,

My man, just ASK. Stop beating the dead horse on here and rehashing how you think it's unfair and inequal and whatever.

We get it, ok? Those who don't, let them be.

ASK your in-laws for some help. And make it clear to them that this is a one time thing and that they will have their money back within a few years with some interest.

 

[chman]

In your opinion.

[YOUTUBE]XVCtkzIXYzQ[/YOUTUBE]

 

[clinicallabguy]

Perforin,

My man, just ASK. Stop beating the dead horse on here and rehashing how you think it's unfair and inequal and whatever.

We get it, ok? Those who don't, let them be.

ASK your in-laws for some help. And make it clear to them that this is a one time thing and that they will have their money back within a few years with some interest.

I think loans from family members are precarious situations. It is risky that it will strain your relationship with them. Introducing that kind of stress with your in-laws may introduce unneeded stress between you and your spouse. But, I suppose this may work for some people.

 

[sourgrapes]

i can understand how this could bother you, but i like many here would decline any tuition money from in-laws if they offered...this story kind of reminds me of how peter griffin from family guy got a book for xmas one year from his millionaire father-in-law...

If you really wanna know unfair, I'm related to a family thru marriage where the super rich multi-millionaire dad paid for his daughter's $500,000 house but hasn't done **** for his son because the son makes 140K a year and the daughter makes about 50K...anyways...

FWIW, If you stick around with the fam, you will see that money eventually from inheritance. And if you don't stick around for some reason, your kids will see that money.

also, what specialty are you planning on doing where you can "pay those loans back in a few years"??

 

[littlealex]

It wouldn't bother me. They're your in-laws. It's their family's money not yours. If your wife is going to med school I have a feeling they'd pay her tuition too.

It's not that they're helping one child and not the other. They're investing in their son's tuition. Their daughter is not in school; you are. If you two are divorced, you are the one w/ the MD and not your wife. I would never even consider paying the tuition of my children's spouses. Ridiculous. Out of the question.

You're viewing this as a situation where the son gets 40k a year and the daughter gets nothing. It's not. The daughter isn't in medical school, why SHOULD she get anything?

I understand that your situation is difficult. I understand that you guys are a family so that means your wife's situation is also difficult. However the point remains - this is your education not hers. It's up to your parents to help you out, not her parents.

 

[MedStudentWanna]

some serious truth right here. nothing is as freeing as not owing anybody a damn thing

I'm bothered by these kinds of comments. If the parents did pay for med school, it would be a very generous gift, but if they don't, that doesn't mean their daughter owes them nothing, even when they're old and need to be taken care of. They're still her parents. The task of taking care of them shouldn't fall solely to the brother just because they paid for his med school.

Anyway, the original poster answered none of my questions.

 

[ArkansasRanger]

shoot some granzymes at them

lol @ granzymes.

 

[shiftingmirage]

Hmmm. Fine, ignore my tuition for a moment and still look at the situation. I still find it odd that they shell out 40k for the son and won't help the daughter at all with living expenses, or even to help pay for the birth of her child ($7500 deductible for pregnancy with our current private health insurance). And another $7500 on the way for child #2.

Grandparents are not supposed to pay for their grandkids. The only thing one could expect is some presents at birthday/holiday times, and a invitation every few years to come visit. Parents should pay for their kids, not the grandparents. You made a decision to have children and that decision has financial consequences. I'm not saying you shouldn't have had kids, I'm saying you should have made sure you could support them, and support includes financially - food, roof over head.

As a future parent, I will treat my kids equally.

What do you mean by equally? My brother went to a public school which was ~10k less than the private school I attended. He finished his degree in 5 years while I finished in 4. Should he go and ask my parents for the extra 10k a year spent on me minus the extra year of tuition of his school so that we would get the same amount of money? Heck no. We both left UG debt free, is that not equal?

And for those who may judge and say I shouldn't have kids if I am financially burdened, just remember that I will be able to pay off my loans just fine in a few more years.

But by your own admission (ie, wanting the grandparents to help with the expenses of giving birth to the child) you can't afford them now. If I went to a bank (and for argument's sake, say pre this financial recession/housing market collapse, etc.) and said, "hi Mr. Bank. I'm currently a student with no income, but one day 5-7 years from now will be making 6 figures, could you please loan me the money for the penthouse condo now, and I will pay it back when I have the funds in 5-7 years." Mr. Bank, "I'm sorry student, but with no current income there is no possibiligy of such a loan being made. When you are making that money come back and see us and we'll be glad to give you a loan."

 

[Practitioner]

I find people's perception of family sometimes perplexing, but then they may find my approach to family perplexing themselves. So...

Having said that, I understand half of Perforin's point.

The issue is that I find it strange to shell out the cash to the son and neglect your daughter and son in law. If they didn't give their son any money, none of this would be an issue.

I agree that in-laws helping pay for a son's education while leaving a son-in-law out of consideration would be a little... upsetting, I guess, depending on many things (like if they had already paid the daughter's education expenses, etc.)

I know two couples with similar issues in the family: one is a female who married while going to medical school, and her father helped pay for vacation trips, a car, and medical expenses for his daughter. Despite it being almost solely the responsibility of the husband to do this (in their culture) the father helped to make his daughter's life "better".

The other couple is a doctor who married his wife AFTER (or very near to) finishing school and then NOT continuing his residency training. His wife's family helped pay off all his loans because they figured that would also help their daughter. And only with his insistence have they agreed to let them (not just "him") pay back the loans to them, albeit without the interest.

With this in mind, I think this:

If you haven't asked for help, it shouldn't bug you that they don't offer. Have you considered they may not want to step on your toes...perhaps thinking you want to make it on your own?

is a very good point.

On the other hand, my family has helped support my siblings in ways I was not supported. Sometimes not because the offer was not there (like buying me a car as they did with my brothers), but because I refused it. I'm a hard worker and I enjoy my independence without having to rely on anyone to help support me. I feel indebted enough they put up with my rebelliousness and put me through 12 years of school and 4 of undergrad, I certainly don't expect them to help me pay anything now, especially not something like medical school.

So, the OP's scenario wouldn't bother me. In fact, it might bother me if they offered, although I'd never decline anyone offering help to cover tuition for medical school. I'd take it and suck up my pride and live with the burden of feeling like I owe anyone anything.

 

[floridakmm]

I can't help posting. In some family's, when they marry their daughter they want to believe the man can provide. Now I know that is old school, but don't discount it. As others have said, normally in these situations a man would be offended to be offered money. So maybe they are trying to respect you as a man. I don't know these people and how they work.
Now, I would be ashamed if my husband asked for money from my parents. This is because of my culture. If I am married, I am an adult and I can take care of myself, partner, and child. Their son is not married and not considered an adult. That is my opinion. Sorry if it isn't what you want to hear.
Last, I hear a lot of 'it's not fair' Well, as a child I was told countless times 'life is not fair' Worry about what you need to do for you and your family and stop looking at others situations and being envious. If you continue to do this, you will only see more and more the world isn't fair and just become more upset. And yes the world is not fair. I hope you teach your children this concept. Should it be fair? in a perfect world yes, but this isn't a perfect world.
Congrats on getting into medical school and having a wonderful family. Be happy you have much

 

[The Poet Sings]

The only reason I'm kind of bothered is that I personally find it strange to shell out 40k/year for your son (also married) so he can live comfortably, and you give 0 to your daughter, who is in a terrible financial situation and lives off top ramen.

Their son is not married and not considered an adult. That is my opinion. Sorry if it isn't what you want to hear.

how does it change your opinion to know the brother is married?


op: i think that if she asked her parents to help and they refused, then that wouldn't be right. but for all they know, you and your family have enough money lying around to cover everything. unless they know you are struggling, don't expect help. maybe they know their daughter-in-law's financial situation better, and know that she can't afford to help him with loans? i would hope that my in-laws (not married yet, but this is hypothetical) would be willing to help me (if they can and if i need it) when it comes time for me to pop out some kids. i won't be expecting them to pay for my loans, though. and i'd only expect my parents to pay them for me if they won the lottery!

 

[Rollo]

I think loans from family members are precarious situations. It is risky that it will strain your relationship with them. Introducing that kind of stress with your in-laws may introduce unneeded stress between you and your spouse. But, I suppose this may work for some people.

Very good point.

Off the top of my head, I can think of few people in my family (extended family) who I would never ask for loans because I know they would either try to control how I live (i.e. tell me how I should be handling my finances) or it would create unnecessary tension.

On the other hand, I can think of few family members who I can rely on to borrow money from at any time and they would never create any sort of drama.