Would this work/activity description be considered "too cocky?"

[coolbeans151]

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[Doug Underhill]

over eight hundred United States dollars

 

[coolbeans151]

I think you mean over eight hundred freedom units. But really I know how ugly $800 looks, it's just a matter of running out of space.

 

[Goro]

You can do better.

I'm having trouble describing in 700 characters EVERYTHING I did during my 3 years in a fraternity. I put clinical/community service stuff as "meaningful experiences" and I don't think I want to put fraternity as one. So, I chose to focus on leadership and community service. The rest of my essays don't sound anywhere close to this and for some reason I'm having a lot of trouble writing this fraternity essay. Please be honest if you don't like it and if you have any suggestions for re-writing it, because I don't really like it either right now.

But regardless, is this too much "overt hubris," as one adcom on SDN once said?

_____

Upon joining xxx fraternity during my sophomore year, I quickly distinguished myself and rose as a leader. Within a year I was elected treasurer and was the youngest member of our executive board. My reinvention of the role of treasurer was a success and it helped lead to the most successful year in our chapter's history. I later faced the choice between chair of philanthropy or chapter president, and I chose philanthropy. I organized and united a diverse group of individuals, all from different backgrounds, for a common cause and raised over $800 for yyy charity. In addition, throughout my three years in the fraternity, I participated in charity events, fundraisers, and community service.

_____

 

[coolbeans151]

You can do better.

Thank you for the honesty, will definitely keep working on this.

If you had so much to do, perhaps bullet pointing your activities may be a more concise way to describe it. On the other hand, reading it now, it seems you can say what you want in half the length you have written. It is rather bloated and self-aggrandizing

For some reason I wasn't a fan of bullet pointing these but you may be right and I'll try that method now instead.

 

[Mr. Beefy Lion]

Thank you for the honesty, will definitely keep working on this.



For some reason I wasn't a fan of bullet pointing these but you may be right and I'll try that method now instead.

I'm not the most knowledgable person on this but it seems their are a lot of unnecessary adjectives and clauses that open up sentences. If you get rid of those I think you could clear up some space and talk more about what you did, making it more effective.

 

[mashinator]

I'm having trouble describing in 700 characters EVERYTHING I did during my 3 years in a fraternity. I put clinical/community service stuff as "meaningful experiences" and I don't think I want to put fraternity as one. So, I chose to focus on leadership and community service. The rest of my essays don't sound anywhere close to this and for some reason I'm having a lot of trouble writing this fraternity essay. Please be honest if you don't like it and if you have any suggestions for re-writing it, because I don't really like it either right now.

But regardless, is this too much "overt hubris," as one adcom on SDN once said?

_____

Upon joining xxx fraternity during my sophomore year, I quickly distinguished myself and rose as a leader. Within a year I was elected treasurer and was the youngest member of our executive board. My reinvention of the role of treasurer was a success and it helped lead to the most successful year in our chapter's history. I later faced the choice between chair of philanthropy or chapter president, and I chose philanthropy. I organized and united a diverse group of individuals, all from different backgrounds, for a common cause and raised over $800 for yyy charity. In addition, throughout my three years in the fraternity, I participated in charity events, fundraisers, and community service.

_____

This doesn't seem to tell me what you did. Right now it can be summarized as:
- Joined frat on XX/XX/XX
- Became treasurer on XX/XX/XX
- Became chair of philanthropy on XX/XX/XX, raised $800

What did you do as treasurer that was so amazing?? Is 800$ the most significant thing you think med schools will care about during your time at the frat??

You need to be specific about the kinds of activities you did at the frat; you say that you did community service, etc. but you don't really say whether that was with a homeless shelter, with an afterschool program, etc. it doesn't seem like it was very important to you. In addition, you mention a lot of financial things (fundraisers, charity events, treasurer, etc.) but unless you change the description, it reads fairly superficial to me.

So, in summary and in my personal opinion, not a great description at all. Doesn't tell me much besides (i) that you held a few positions in the same frat without telling me what these positions involved and why I should care and (ii) that you think 800$ is the most significant achievement of your time as chair of philanthropy.

Hopefully you can take this advice and make a much better description - I'm sure you have something more concrete to say than what you have right now! Good luck!

 

[md-2020]

You should definitely talk about hazing the daylights out of those freshmen too.

 

[coolbeans151]

You should definitely talk about hazing the daylights out of those freshmen too.

I was saving that for my secondaries.

 

[doc05]

I'm having trouble describing in 700 characters EVERYTHING I did during my 3 years in a fraternity. I put clinical/community service stuff as "meaningful experiences" and I don't think I want to put fraternity as one. So, I chose to focus on leadership and community service. The rest of my essays don't sound anywhere close to this and for some reason I'm having a lot of trouble writing this fraternity essay. Please be honest if you don't like it and if you have any suggestions for re-writing it, because I don't really like it either right now.

But regardless, is this too much "overt hubris," as one adcom on SDN once said?

_____

Upon joining xxx fraternity during my sophomore year, I quickly distinguished myself and rose as a leader. Within a year I was elected treasurer and was the youngest member of our executive board. My reinvention of the role of treasurer was a success and it helped lead to the most successful year in our chapter's history. I later faced the choice between chair of philanthropy or chapter president, and I chose philanthropy. I organized and united a diverse group of individuals, all from different backgrounds, for a common cause and raised over $800 for yyy charity. In addition, throughout my three years in the fraternity, I participated in charity events, fundraisers, and community service.

_____

I wouldn't use the word "hubris" -- it's just plain terrible.

First off, it's poorly written. Next, it's boring. And $800?? That must be a typo. Because raising $800 on a college campus would take exactly one afternoon. Not much of an accomplishment.

 

[coolbeans151]

I wouldn't use the word "hubris" -- it's just plain terrible.

First off, it's poorly written. Next, it's boring. And $800?? That must be a typo. Because raising $800 on a college campus would take exactly one afternoon. Not much of an accomplishment.

Thank you. I wish the people that read this prior to me posting this had been as honest as you guys here. I opted to use a list/resume format to make it easier for the time being.

It's also a little upsetting to hear that $800 is perceived to be so low. It was honestly a semester-long effort and even when we teamed with another sorority for a day (best way to raise collection), we wouldn't collect more than $80-100 from a day's work. So do you think that I should just remove the $800 altogether and just talk about specific events/fundraisers?

 

[Pusheen]

I would avoid giving $ numbers because it will be perceived very differently by different people. To some, thats a ton of money, to others, meh. Better to describe the actual fundraiser.

 

[nwts]

I'm having trouble describing in 700 characters EVERYTHING I did during my 3 years in a fraternity. I put clinical/community service stuff as "meaningful experiences" and I don't think I want to put fraternity as one. So, I chose to focus on leadership and community service. The rest of my essays don't sound anywhere close to this and for some reason I'm having a lot of trouble writing this fraternity essay. Please be honest if you don't like it and if you have any suggestions for re-writing it, because I don't really like it either right now.

But regardless, is this too much "overt hubris," as one adcom on SDN once said?

_____

Upon joining xxx fraternity during my sophomore year, I quickly distinguished myself and rose as a leader. Within a year I was elected treasurer and was the youngest member of our executive board. My reinvention of the role of treasurer was a success and it helped lead to the most successful year in our chapter's history. I later faced the choice between chair of philanthropy or chapter president, and I chose philanthropy. I organized and united a diverse group of individuals, all from different backgrounds, for a common cause and raised over $800 for yyy charity. In addition, throughout my three years in the fraternity, I participated in charity events, fundraisers, and community service.

_____

Some of the opinion/semi-opinion statements should probably be removed. They sound rather self-aggrandizing. In specific, I mean: "I quickly distinguished myself and rose as a leader," and "My reinvention of the role of treasurer was a success..." These come off as bragging. When you are trying to communicate your accomplishments, talk about measurable, objective achievements, not subjective statements about how well you did. Saying that you were elected treasurer during the x semester of your x year will communicate that you quickly moved to a leadership position. Saying that you became the chair of philanthropy expresses that you had diverse leadership experiences in your fraternity. I also wouldn't state exactly how much money you raised. You could just say that you organized a successful fundraiser for yyy charity. I would also leave out the part about uniting a diverse group of individuals. This sounds a little overly dramatic for planning a charity event.

 

[after_the_flood]

I wouldn't use the word "hubris" -- it's just plain terrible.

First off, it's poorly written. Next, it's boring. And $800?? That must be a typo. Because raising $800 on a college campus would take exactly one afternoon. Not much of an accomplishment.

This is the kind of behavior that gives SDN a bad image. All you do is put him down without even giving any constructive criticism.

 

[hopefulERdoc251]

I wouldn't use the word "hubris" -- it's just plain terrible.

First off, it's poorly written. Next, it's boring. And $800?? That must be a typo. Because raising $800 on a college campus would take exactly one afternoon. Not much of an accomplishment.

lmao buddy why don't you try raising $800 dollars on a student campus. As a member of numerous organizations including both a regular fraternity and a community service fraternity...trying to get people to donate even 200 dollars is difficult.

 

[hopefulERdoc251]

Upon joining xxx fraternity during my sophomore year, I quickly distinguished myself and rose as a leader. Within a year I was elected treasurer and was the youngest member of our executive board. My reinvention of the role of treasurer was a success and it helped lead to the most successful year in our chapter's history. I later faced the choice between chair of philanthropy or chapter president, and I chose philanthropy. I organized and united a diverse group of individuals, all from different backgrounds, for a common cause and raised over $800 for yyy charity. In addition, throughout my three years in the fraternity, I participated in charity events, fundraisers, and community service.


My 0.02

1. I quickly distinguished myself and rose as a leader- how? Even if it wasn't cocky (little bit of cockiness is OK, I mean these applications are asking you to brag about yourself), if I was on an AdCOM and read that, I would want to know WHAT he did to show he was a leader. Remember...show not tell.
2. Within a year I was elected treasurer and was the youngest member of our executive board. Save some characters/words- the bold stuff is sort of irrelavant IMHO.
   
3. My reinvention of the role of treasurer was a success and it helped lead to the most successful year in our chapter's history; Refer to bullet 1; how did you reinvent the role? You leave a good amount hanging here
   
4. I later faced the choice between chair of philanthropy or chapter president, and I chose philanthropy- Maybe elaborate why? What about philanthropy appealed to you over president...both are pretty big leadership roles.
   
5. I organized and united a diverse group of individuals, all from different backgrounds, for a common cause and raised over $800 for yyy charity- this is good! Not bad. The wording is kind of odd- when you say "diverse group of individuals" it almost implies from all different backgrounds haha.

You have some solid basis here, but it definitely needs improvement as everybody else has said. Remember, if in doubt, always ask, if you were on Adcom and you read this essay, what would you think. You talk about what you did, but haven't really shown how you did it. I could say "I was the leader of this organization and did x,y,z" or I could say "Through doing blah blah blah, I demonstrated my ability to serve as a leader" or something along those lines. I've written essays that I thought were good but after taking a day away I reevaluated it and thought to myself WTF i was writing. Now I know it's a lot haha, and there are word/character limits, so ultimately you have to cut your losses. I can't tell you what is important to cut out and what isn't important to cut out in this essay, that's up to you. Best of luck! 🙂

 

[samac]

I wouldn't even say you faced the choice of chapter president, that seems too cocky. Here's what I hear:
"I could have been president, but I'm soooooooo much better then that and so humble I chose to leave eboard instead"
When in reality people who step down from eboard usually do so because schedule, not some heartfelt desire for philanthropy.
Also there wasn't another junior on your eboard?

Edit: also, think about it. Why would you waste precious characters on something you didn't do?

 

[nRomaleos]

lmao buddy why don't you try raising $800 dollars on a student campus. As a member of numerous organizations including both a regular fraternity and a community service fraternity...trying to get people to donate even 200 dollars is difficult.

imho. $800 is pretty significant, especially if it is net $800. The cost of running fundraisers are enormous.

 

[Holmwood]

Upon joining xxx fraternity during my sophomore year, I quickly distinguished myself and rose as a leader.
-Remove "quickly".

Within a year I was elected treasurer and was the youngest member of our executive board.
-Remove bolded bit. It doesn't really matter when the difference in age is like 1-2 years.

My reinvention of the role of treasurer was a success and it helped lead to the most successful year in our chapter's history.
- How did you reinvent the role of treasurer? This falls more in the most memorable section, by the way.

I later faced the choice between chair of philanthropy or chapter president, and I chose philanthropy.
-You should just start the next sentence with this. Something like "as chair of philanthropy, I organized and united..." That'll cut space and give you more room to give more details about your experience.

I organized and united a diverse group of individuals, all from different backgrounds, for a common cause and raised over $800 for yyy charity.
-Uniting is redundant as it is involved in organization. How much did you actually raise? If you were treasurer then you should be able to come up with the actual amount, right?

In addition, throughout my three years in the fraternity, I participated in charity events, fundraisers, and community service.
-You already talked about raising money in the previous sentence. I would elaborate more on what you did for community service work. Was it community outreach? Enrichment programs? Renovation of senior homes?