Ye Olde "If I Knew Then What I Know Now.."

[BeachBlondie]

I'm a long-time SDNer, but brand new to this particular forum.

As of yesterday, the love of my life began medical school. I, myself, am also on the path to becoming a doctor. We're both 27, non-traditional students, and have been crazy about each other for years. Currently, I'm in a different state finishing up some large research projects of mine before I move 1,200 miles to our new home. I'll be here until December.

I've decided to push back my application cycle for an additional year in order to be there to support my doc-in-training during pre-clinical. I've always been working toward my own future, but now the shoe is on the other foot and I am supporting someone in their endeavors.

Seeing as how I'm in the same position as he is, I have a better understanding than many romantic partners. But, I still feel like I need to be prepared for this.

What are some things that you, as a lover and friend of your doctor, wish you would have known going in?

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[smq123]

As background, I met my current SO when I was an MS3 and he was in grad school (he was in an MD/PhD program, so he'd already done MS1 and MS2 many years before). He went back to complete the last two years of med school when I was an intern.

Some things that I think you need to remember:

- You're on the same path as he is, but you're not at the same place as he is. What he's going through is a lot harder than you probably realize, but you won't realize that until you've done it yourself. Be sympathetic to him now; you'll need to him to reciprocate that sympathy when it's your turn.

- Whatever you're going through? He's gone through it too. So while you may want to rant and rave and vent (and some measure of that is always ok!), just remember that for him, he's "been there, done that." So if he tries to calm you down, and says that it will all be ok, listen to him. He knows what he's talking about.

Some things that he needs to remember:

- Just because he was able to do it, doesn't mean it was easy. It's so easy to forget just how hard it was when you were going through it, but it doesn't mean that it WAS easy.

- Since your schedules will be off sync, it's likely that when he's on an easier month, you'll be having a harder month, and vice versa. Just remember that alternate picking up the slack in the relationship (as is true for all relationships).

Good luck. Hope some of this rambling was helpful. Going through this journey with someone who is also going through it can complicate things, but it has a lot of wonderful advantages as well.

 

[BeachBlondie]

Thank you, smq123 (addressing people by their handles is AWESOME)!

In order to better understand/avoid them, what were some of the hardest aspects to cope with as your both trained?

 

[smq123]

Thank you, smq123 (addressing people by their handles is AWESOME)!

In order to better understand/avoid them, what were some of the hardest aspects to cope with as your both trained?

Well, when he went back to start his MS3 year, I was starting as an intern...which are two of the hardest years for medical training. I think we both sort of poo-poo'ed what the other was going through.

I remember thinking, "Oh, psh, MS3 was an AWESOME year and I LOVED it and WHAT THE HELL IS HE COMPLAINING ABOUT TRY BEING AN INTERN OMG." I conveniently forgot that yes, while I did love MS3 (for the most part), there was certainly a lot of sleep deprivation, a lot of stress, a lot of anger, a lot of stress eating, and a few times when I sat in the stairwell and cried.

I think he sort of didn't know what I was making a big deal about - I was "only" working 70 hours a week, I didn't have an exam every 6 weeks (like he did), my evaluations didn't matter that much, and I didn't have to shoot for Honors every rotation.

Basically, we just got so wrapped up in our own misery that we forgot to look at things from the other person's perspective.

When he went through the Match, that was tough as well. He was applying for an uber-competitive field, so he was feeling a lot of stress and pressure. He had been told that his PhD would help...but it didn't...so he was also feeling jaded and cynical and angry. Even though I kept trying to tell him that it would be ok, the Match would work out, he would get through it, he didn't really want to hear any of it.

For your case, the Match will be difficult. He'll be a year ahead of you, so you guys won't be able to couples match unless he takes a year off. If neither of you want to do anything competitive, and you're not picky about location, then no problem. If, however, one of you wants something competitive, or location REALLY matters to you (you both want to end up in California, for example), then that's going to be a very rocky time.

Good luck to both of you. I hope that things go smoothly for you guys.

 

[BeachBlondie]

You're the best!

He's going into family medicine, and I--due to my carpentry/car rebuilding background--wouldn't be surprised if a surgical specialty appealed to me. But, yes, we both want to be in California. So, it's going to be a bitch, certainly.

This is most helpful. Thanks so much for pandering to the worries of a pre-med

 

[BeachBlondie]

Recently, I returned to this forum to check on my post and I noticed that there are a LOT of page views on this thread. But, there are only a couple of replies. This tells me that other people are also looking for insight. So, I thought I would add this addendum to my original question for those of you who may need some encouragement:

LEAVE. WHILE. YOU. CAN.

...Just kidding...

Take a deep breath. Now sit back and think for a moment: is your relationship with a medical student (or, perhaps, your dual doc-in-training scenario, like us) worth the periods of loneliness, and the sacrifice, and the extra stress?

...really think about it.

If the answer is yes, then you're in luck; many couples have survived far worse than medical school. You can get through it.

In the last month and a half of his medical school, my main man and I have been long distance. Obviously this adds to the potential for unhappiness. But, guess what? The relationship is harmonious, we're as in love as we've ever been, and the only tension we feel together is our combined effort at sending hate-rays to his integrated exams. At his school, the first year is notorious for being the most rigorous (at most schools, it's the second year), and until I can move into our new apartment in December, we will only see each other every 6ish weeks. Yet, nothing between us emotionally has changed. Yes, we were a stellar couple before his matriculation, but let me tell you what I've learned:

1) You definitely ain't in Kansas anymore.

Think of your undergraduate careers around finals time. The cram sessions; the bottomless pots of coffee; the fistful of flashcards. Now, multiply that by 10. And make it your every day. That's what medical students go through. It is a non-stop study party.

When I was visiting my SO for a long Labor Day weekend, that's all he did. We woke up, I made him breakfast, and he studied until midday. Then, we would go to the pool and splash for 15 minutes, and he would get out and go through notes, poolside, for a couple of hours. Then, we'd head back up to the apartment, shower off, and he'd take my patient history. Shopping for dinner that night? I was quizzing him with flashcards.

Studying is now second to breathing. The amount of material the students are expected to know is insurmountable. As the books become woven into their lives, so, too, will they become a part of yours. Rather than sit on the couch, scowling, while they are eyeballs deep in anatomy diagrams, offer to help:

"Hey, can I pick up some more highlighters?"

"Do you need me to quiz you on that?"

Or, hell, if studying isn't your thing, bake their favorite cookies. Or put another pot of tea on. Or just leave them alone for a while.

You don't have to be overbearing with the help. But, you should be understanding and available. Which brings me to my next topic...

2) When they say they are studying, they really are.

I've heard a lot of complaints to the effect of, "I haven't talked to him/her all day, and I know there are attractive people in their class... I wonder if they're cheating."

The answer is no. When they tell you that they're going to be in the library from sun-up until sun-down, it's for real. And there's nothing less sexual than a handful of overworked, under-rested, cranky medical students poring over physiology. So, be confident in what you two have. Know that your student would MUCH rather be home in your arms... So, it doesn't help that they spend an exhausting day going over convoluted material in anticipation of going home, only to get questioned about what they've been up to.

...You're grown ass people now. Knock off the high school stuff.

3) Do the switcheroo

Try to put yourself in their shoes: 30 units of heavy sciences, more material than you could ever hope to digest, the knowledge that boards are looming, and you have to be in clinic at 7am...before an exam day...when you have a sore throat...and you've had no idea what the professor with an accent is talking about for the last two days...

It's tough. And any little gesture you provide to let them know that you're thinking about them will be much appreciated. It doesn't take a lot--getting groceries one night, cleaning the apartment, slipping a lovey note in their diagnostic bag--and it means the world.

My student and I are successful because 1) We've never had drama to begin with, 2) We decided to take on medical school (both of our stints) as a team, in all facets, and 3) We don't play the Who's Day Was ****tier game. We recognize the plight of the other, and care about each other deeply enough to empathize.

All in all, you're in this together. And with your powers combined--much like Captain Planet--you can make it through just about anything.

Good luck!