Family issues and preprofessional application

[Doodledog]

Posted anonymously

I am a sophmore in college interested in the pre-health track to become either a doctor, dentist, or pharmacist (I am narrowing down my choices through internships etc. but I am leaning toward dentistry->medicine->pharmacy). Anyway I will
try to cover everything so I can get the best advice possible . Bear with me please!

I am having severe family problems with my decisions to be a doctor or dentist, and it is not the typical "my parents don't support me" problem.

My father has severe asperger's syndrome (not diagnosed, but I have done alot of research on this and he shows every single symptom), and he is very apathetic toward me and very paranoid, my mother has also said that he may be schizophrenic as well.

I have never blamed my father for anything and am the only one left in the family with patience toward him, but sometimes his behavior is very hard to handle. Moreso, my father is the one who handles most of the money (very paranoid with his money, he doesn't let anyone near the files...) taxes, files, bills, and he is pretty much all the income of our family since my mom is just a PTtime LPN (she has conditions in which she cannot work for too long). My mother immigrated here and has never left my father for the sake of the children, me and my brother, but has threatened to leave my father, my brother, and I on occasion when times get really rough.

Long story short, my father does not support me going to medical or dental school as he will not pay a cent for it nor cosign any loan and will literally kick me out of the house if I do. My father wants me to go to this certain PA school just because it is cheap, which I have considered but I would not really choose the PA school he has chosen nor do I really want to be a PA.

Truthfully, I am very scared my father will react very harshly if I apply to med/dental school by myself to the point in which he will throw out my med/dental school mail (which is illegal...but my father does not have much fair judgement... I don't even know where to begin with this as he has opened my mail and thrown some of them out before...), rip my forms and kick me out.

Also, My mother has really no authority in the matter either. Moreover, I know my father is capable of such irrational behavior because it has happened during my undergraduate college application process in which I wanted to go to a very top tier (I was always a good student even though nobody motivated me to do well) university but my father threw out my forms because the college required my family to pay 5,000$ out of pocket, and it listed government grants on the aid package in which my paranoid father said was *BS* because the government "never gives out aid." Eventually I went to a state school (I commute) that gave me a full ride that is decent but not known well (however, I am very content with my school as I eventually applied to the honors program, and I am maintaining a 4.0). Moreover, I know for a fact that my school gives me a stipend and that I should get leftover financial aid from my books/supplies government grants, but my father puts them to his bank account; I do not have access to these funds (I am basically broke...I have been looking for a job).

Long story short, I am scared to death that my situation may come to the point in which I have to live on the street for a couple of days and eventually get a job and rent an apartment by myself/or stay with a friend and reclaim/rethink my life. This isn't even the tip of my problems either as I have been feeling very depressed, and had to have had surgery in the last year, and etc...I'm in a real rut!

So far everything is somewhat calm, but as the next year approaches, I must make the huge decision to apply to med/dental/pharmD school (which would be an even bigger decision for me...). I really need some advice. I am very lost on what to do.

I appreciate all replies, Thank you.

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[michaelrack]

It sounds like you need a secure place to get mail (either a p.o. box or at an apartment) that your father won't have access to. you should use this address for any professional school applications. As far as your stipend, do you have your own bank account that this could be deposited into for next semester?

 

[NotAProgDirector]

You are in a tough situation. Basically, you need to set out on your own and live your own life. getting kicked out of you home is a tough way to do that. Better to leave on your own terms. So:

1. Open your own bank account. Many banks will let you do so with very little money.
2. Get some income, from a job. Something part time, perhaps your school offers some work/study options or has a job board.
3. Rent a post office box. This gives you your own address to which you have things sent.
4. Set up a Gmail or other free email account, make sure that you never access it from home (so that your family can't snoop there either).
5. Since you're getting a "free ride" from your univeristy, ? if they would throw housing in with it? Especially if you went to them with this story, and your proven outstanding performance?

You should hopefully be able to do these steps without anyone finding out. The next step is to transfer your stipend payments to your new bank account. That will certainly be noticed by your father, and will likely precipitate a confrontation. In the best case, you would want your housing options clarified, so you could simply walk out the door.

Alternatively, if your school is willing to house you, perhaps as part of a work/study program, then you can simply go home and announce that you are leaving, on your own terms. Then transfer the stipend payments, and make a clean break.

It's your life. Live it!

 

[Doodledog]

Posted for the OP:


"I appreciate both your advice!

In response to aProgdirector, my university has very limited housing available. I know other honors students who have wished to have a dorm attached to their scholarships/work study and it is not possible; you have to wait on the same waiting lists for dorms like everyone else...boo. Also thanks for your check list of advice, I will be making those back-up plans within the year, but damn is walking out the door going to be tough!."

 

[Doodledog]

Posted anonymously for another user who wishes to respond to the OP. BTW, keep in mind that, 1) I (Tildy) am the moderator, not the person with the issue being posted so don't PM me and assume that the issue is "mine" and, 2) In general, if you want to post a reply to a thread anonymously, you can PM it to me OR just begin your post with a note saying you wish the response to be anonymous. I'll then post it without your name under the Tildy trademark.

In any case, an anonymous member responds quite helpfully to the OP with:

I have some experience with paranoid parents and being cut off, so I appreciate the delicacy of OP's situation. Walking out on your parents is a very difficult decision, and having a paranoid parent exacerbates the situation even more. Here are some of my thoughts:

The first year or so after separating from your family will be very hard even if you leave on your own terms. It's going to be very hard to concentrate on applications, exams, school, and work. Financial problems tend to crop up because you will have no safety net, and financial planning takes a little bit of experience. On top of that, family issues still arise even if you try to cut off contact: occassional phone calls, surprise visits, perhaps even a PI will come knocking on your door (if your father was at least half as paranoid as some members of my family).

If you can't find a way to gain the blessings of your father, please consider taking a year off once you leave your family to give you time to get adjusted.

If you decide to leave, here are some additional preparation tips to make the transition as smooth as possible:

- Tell at least one friend what you are planning. You need as much support as possible.
- Before leaving, get a credit card and establish some credit (preferably at least a year). Since it sounds like you have zero student loans, it's going to be difficult to rent an apartment, get a cell phone, and even get a job without credit. I would do this even if you are not planning to leave.
- Consider a private mail box instead of a P.O. Box. They tend to value privacy a bit more than P.O.'s, and many companies (e.g. cell phone companies) want a physical address and won't accept P.O. Boxes. While technically, you have to include "PMB"-box # in your address, they accept "#", which makes it look like an apartment number.
- Open up a checking account in a seperate bank from your family's. I would even suggest a bank in a different city or state to minimize suspicion from your family. Most banking can be done online, via mail, or through ATMs anyway. Do this AFTER you open your own mailbox.

Another option (if your dad is okay with it) is to attend a vocational school/communicty college for 6 months to a year and receive a licence for dental assiting or EMT. You will be able to get a decent paying job that gives you experience in the area you want. From there, you support yourself and apply to wherever you want. While training, your father probably won't discern that your real intention is to enter professional school.

Most importantly, please utilize your school's "wellness" center or counselor. Though not physical, it certainly sounds like you are being abused. Please get some help. If you have any more questions for me please post them.

 

[dragonfly99]

First of all, congratulations to you for the stellar academic record you have, despite the problems going on at home.

It sounds like your dad has some type of mental and/or neurological illness. He definitely sounds paranoid.

I think the comments posted above are excellent advice. In the mean time, you may want to use a friend's address to receive your more important mail (i.e. from graduate or professional schools).

I think you should talk to the counselors (I mean mental health folks) at your university. Not because YOU have a problem...but because they can be very helpful in helping you deal with other folks who DO have problems, such as your dad. You cannot control what he does...only what you do. I also think it would be worthwhile talking with the financial aid office...consider telling them what has been going on with your stipend checks. Also, they may be willing to consider you as a "special case" for student housing (i.e. student dorm or apartment).

I also agree with opening a credit card account...but DON'T get in to credit card debt. Use it only for emergencies and to establish a credit history.

 

[Doodledog]

From the OP

Sorry for the late response! (resp: anonymous post). I have been busy with midterms etc. for the past week. If your still reading this I actually do have a few questions:

-When you were cut off how did you pay for things on your own? Getting a job has been really tough for me, and I have been searching for 3weeks.
-Would you know the price of a private mail box? Do you think I would be able to afford that?

Moreover, I have taken your advice and have told one of my friends already who will be looking for an apartment soon anyway in which I can hopefully share with him. Thanks! I really appreciate it.

To dragonfly99: I just asked my friend yesterday if she knew anything about financial aid and she directed me to our university's financial advisor whom she says is very nice/helpful and confidential. So, good advice! I will meet with her soon. Thanks!

Moreover, even though I am doing this for my own benefit behind my father's back, I still feel that I am being deceitful to my father. It is my life though...I will take that issue up with a counsler etc. Nonetheless, thanks guys for the responses and help!

 

[dragonfly99]

You aren't being deceitful per se...it sounds like you talked career aspirations with him in the past and he was not supportive. This isn't usual parent behavior. Most/many would be supportive. Being a dentist is a great and honorable job and it's kind of unreasonable that he would not support it. He's being unreasonably controlling - particularly when he is insisting on where you have to live and what career you have to do, etc. It's one thing for him to have an opinion, but quite another to insist, etc. Unfortunately sometimes parents do this...but he's taking it to the extreme. None of it is your fault. It seems that you have been a very good child...have done nothing but worked very hard. Yes agree w/talking with the school counselor about it...it's hard for us to be objective about our own lives as these folks are trained to be.

Sometimes it is easier to think about things if you are "out of the nest". Sharing an apartment sounds like a good plan. Maybe your financial aid person can help you with getting a job on campus...I did this as an undergrad...worked at the student health center on campus.

I think a lot of college students don't understand all the support available on he college campuses. Those career counselors, student health center, etc. are there because you all paid tuition, so use them as needed 🙂
I never realized how helpful my premed advisor would be until I talked to him.

 

[Doodledog]

Posted anonymously

anonymous poster from post #5 here. i completely understand with the exams. i had a few myself.

private mailboxes run up to a few hundred per year. do some shopping around. the cheaper alternative is to use a friend's address. the downside is that your friend may get in the middle of your family problems should your father try to track you down. also, private mailboxes tend to value your privacy (though they are required to collect your personal info).

i held a variety of part time jobs to help pay for things. additionally, i took out some additional student loans (the max allowed). you will probably need your parents tax return info if you want to get loans, but you could probably discretely get this information.

the really frustrating thing on my own was that i had no credit so i couldn't get my own apartment or a cell phone. i had to pay bigger deposits when i opened accounts with the electric and gas company (though they give you the money back in a year). i would recommend getting a line of credit asap. either ask your parents to add your name to their credit cards (explain that you'll establish credit earlier and that you won't have access to the cards) or open up a secured line of credit. also, those "student" credit cards are relatively easier to obtain without credit hx.

hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

 

[Emerald84]

You are in a tough situation. Basically, you need to set out on your own and live your own life. getting kicked out of you home is a tough way to do that. Better to leave on your own terms. So:

1. Open your own bank account. Many banks will let you do so with very little money.
2. Get some income, from a job. Something part time, perhaps your school offers some work/study options or has a job board.
3. Rent a post office box. This gives you your own address to which you have things sent.
4. Set up a Gmail or other free email account, make sure that you never access it from home (so that your family can't snoop there either).
5. Since you're getting a "free ride" from your univeristy, ? if they would throw housing in with it? Especially if you went to them with this story, and your proven outstanding performance?

You should hopefully be able to do these steps without anyone finding out. The next step is to transfer your stipend payments to your new bank account. That will certainly be noticed by your father, and will likely precipitate a confrontation. In the best case, you would want your housing options clarified, so you could simply walk out the door.

Alternatively, if your school is willing to house you, perhaps as part of a work/study program, then you can simply go home and announce that you are leaving, on your own terms. Then transfer the stipend payments, and make a clean break.

It's your life. Live it!

Yes, 1) open a bank account, get a PO box
2) is it possible to live on campus or with roomies? Just out of the house?
My mom is borderline which made it tough to live with her while doing pre-med work and I chose to move out and go part time and work part-time. Best decision I ever made. You can't change your dad, or make him get help. You CAN look after yourself and your own future. Who's to say he won't back out of helping you with your PA program. You can do this and there are plenty of people out there who will offer you a ton of support.