the other half

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E

erleichda

hi,
i looked through the forum for partner/spouses of medical students and it wasn't all that encouraging. i was wondering if any of you are married or in relationships and if/how you are preparing your partners for being with someone who is going to medical school. i am applying for fall of 2007 and i've started to discuss medical school with my boyfriend of 3 years. he plans to move with me wherever medical school takes me. we currently live together and spend A LOT of time together. i told him that i would not be able to give him nearly as much attention as i do now. he feels very insecure. he's scared i'll make new friends and he will be the last on my list because he's not into medicine. i don't feel that he has anything to worry about, but i don't know how to explain things do him. can anyone give me advice? does anyone have horror stories? is anyone going through the same thing?
thanks,
bfk

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Hey BFK, I'm not in the same situation, but I think my experiences in the last year allows me to provide some useful information. My bf is starting 3rd year in med school, and I've been working for the last year and a half, while applying to med school. We met during his first year at school, and even though I knew I wanted to go to med school and was at least science-oriented, I often felt left out of the loop with his circle of friends. You just have to be aware that you are going to be very close to your classmates, and often when you're with those people even outside of class, you're gonna be "talking shop" a great deal, and you may not realize that you're neglecting him. Even if he's not into medicine, invite him to class events and introduce him to everyone in your class. He can make some friends there too! It was not until I got to know my bf's classmates better that I felt more comfortable and part of the group, now they think of me practically as another classmate. (but again for me, since i'm going into medicine, it made it a lot easier)

The other scenario is that in your effort to spend time with him, you isolate yourself from the rest of the class. A lot of the married couples at my bf's school are seldom seen. I don't know any of them since they rarely come to class events. It really depends on how you feel about this possibility. The married couples seem happy with it, but you may end up feeling like the bf's keeping you from socializing.

Of course, the best thing is to talk it out (and often) and make sure you are both aware of what's going on and are comfortable. I remember that I was bitter for a while because I felt that my bf would goof off during his supposed study time, and then would have to catch up on studying during time that we were supposed to spend together. All in all, it's going to be really tough to manage your time when you have a committment outside of school. Good luck with everything, but remember, in the end, school comes first at this stage in your life, and I hope your bf will be supportive and understanding. (and I hope he cooks well!!)

as for me, I might be moving across the country for med school! eek! so I'll need others to give me advice!
 
My husband and I are also concerned about this... he's the type of guy who likes lots of attention and I'm worried he'll feel left out. I plan on really putting a lot of effort into planning social events for him to meet my classmates, as well as inviting people over to our place so that my husband feels included. He's a great entertainer, so hopefully people will want to come :) I think it's realistic to be concerned - there's a reason why so many couples break up during medschool and residency. I think the only way to handle it is to talk about it often so that bitterness and resentfulness to not build up to a breaking point.
 
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Hi,

My husband and I got married after college and before he started law school.
He graduates May 20. :D

I think the trick is to embrace the new law/med/whatever school friends your spouse has. Also, for the student to mention that you're married and to introduce your husband/wife/gf/bf around when you go out with the pals from school. :thumbup:

I always felt included and everyone was actually grateful to talk to someone who didn't want to talk about law school. I have made a few good friends of my own after being introduced to his classmates. Be your partner's biggest supporter in their school endeavor.

Now that I'm applying to med school, he is being very encouraging and I know he'll be great when I am a student too. You have to be sure of each other's success and trust that the other person will not cheat or "forget" you when they are at school.
 
I am also applying for the fall of 2007 and my wife and I are coming up on our 1 year anniversery in June. My wife has known the entire time that we have been together that my goal was going to medical school and becoming a doctor. What really helps us out is that we are both very interested in medicine. She starts PA school next month. We are both non-traditional students and slightly older than the average just got out of college going straight to medical school type. The hardest part for us is her program is 26 months and my first year of medical school will be her last year of PA school, so depending on where I get accepted and/or decide to go to school(my first choice is about 6 hours from her PA school) we will have to live apart for about 9 months. We have had lengthy conversations about this and both agree and understand the importance of our education now for a secure and happy future later. It comes down to sacrificing a little now for a large future return.
If your boyfriend truly cares about you he will care about your apsirations and dreams, but that doesn't mean he can't have feelings of his own. So, if he does encourage you, don't forget to remind him how much you care about him. Even with a busy, hectic schedule (We both work near full time and go to school full time) my wife and I always can find time to spend time together, it might just take sacrificing a little now for a large future return.
 
jackieMD2007 said:
Hi,

My husband and I got married after college and before he started law school.
He graduates May 20. :D

I think the trick is to embrace the new law/med/whatever school friends your spouse has. Also, for the student to mention that you're married and to introduce your husband/wife/gf/bf around when you go out with the pals from school. :thumbup:

I always felt included and everyone was actually grateful to talk to someone who didn't want to talk about law school. I have made a few good friends of my own after being introduced to his classmates. Be your partner's biggest supporter in their school endeavor.

Now that I'm applying to med school, he is being very encouraging and I know he'll be great when I am a student too. You have to be sure of each other's success and trust that the other person will not cheat or "forget" you when they are at school.
Just bear in mind that med school and law school are different animals -- med school will be the more constant time drain whereas law has peaks and valleys, and a whole lot more free time. Compromises may need to be made -- you may have to forego some of the exclusive class events, and depending on the kind of student you are may need to take a certain amount of hit to your grades to ensure adequate time with your spouse.
The worst of it will be during anatomy, when some of the funnier things you'll want to relate would creep out folks outside of the industry, and not be appropriate for dinner conversation for some. Unfortunately that kind of stuff will be all you have to talk about at times.
 
If he's scared that you'll meet new people, then he might as well get over that worry since you know that's inevitable! ;-)

Seriously though, I agree to the above posters. Just because you are not in the same field does not mean your partner has to be out of the loop. While my boyfriend is a medical student (I'm premed), there's often times when I don't fully understand what he's talking about scientifically (that whole running in the other direction from science when I was in college may have something to do with it...) and I obviously had to be introduced within his circle of friends since I'm not in his medical school class. However, I think as long as you invite him along to things and introduce him readily to new people you meet as your boyfriend, he should be fine. Even though all of my boyfriend's immediate friends are in either MD or PhD science programs, I never feel completely out of the loop since he includes me when we get social invites or what have you. I'm still introduced as "girlfriend of such and such" if someone else is doing the introductions, but as long as your boyfriend can be okay taking that role (Instead of the, "this is Fred. He does x, y, and z") and as long as you make an effort to talk things out, introduce him to the new people you meet, etcetera, you should be fine. You're very lucky he's willing to move with you to medical school though, cause that's a "wholenother" can of worms I've struggled with.
 
But, I don't think it matters what kind of school you're going to, or what challenge the couple is facing (a new baby, a move to a new city, death of a parent, etc), stress is stress and strain on a relationship comes no matter what the source.

Your honest effort to spend time with your spouse and care about them in a way that they understand is what's important. The fact that you're considering the impact on your relationship is good because it shows you care about the relationship.
:thumbup:
 
Another thing is that so far in most posts I've read it is the male in the relationship who is going to medical school. Do you think it may be easier for a female to deal with her partner not being home as much?
 
bigfatk said:
Another thing is that so far in most posts I've read it is the male in the relationship who is going to medical school. Do you think it may be easier for a female to deal with her partner not being home as much?

I think it's utterly dependent on the specific personalities involved and not something you can usefully generalize about.
 
I'm in the same situation. I have been with the same girl since I was a sophomore in high school, and we just recently got engaged. I start at Duke this summer, and she will be getting a masters in education at NCSU. I am actually very concerned about not being able to give her enough attention, but we are going to do what it takes. We just recently got a puppy [yesterday, actually...we get to take her home next Wed....she is awesome!]. So it is sort of like moving a little family for us. We are getting a nice apartment [probably a little nicer than we should considering the cost] and plan to decorate it nicely so that we can have people over into a nice environment for entertaining and try our best to get to know people. We have also already met one VERY nice couple also in the same situation at Duke, so that helps.

The way I look at this whole situation is that I have to do what will make me and my fiance happy. I cannot see myself without my fiance, and I know she feels the same way. I also know I belong in medicine. Medical school will be a "we" thing for us, and Duke seems very good about inviting spouses to everything they have. It will be a lot of work, but I know it will work.
 
bigfatk said:
Another thing is that so far in most posts I've read it is the male in the relationship who is going to medical school. Do you think it may be easier for a female to deal with her partner not being home as much?

The only real differences between which sex is in med school will arise when kids come into the mix. You won't find nearly as many guys who are willing to be house husbands, and spending too much time away from the kids seems anecdotally to be harder on women.
 
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Law2Doc said:
The only real differences between which sex is in med school will arise when kids come into the mix. You won't find nearly as many guys who are willing to be house husbands, and spending too much time away from the kids seems anecdotally to be harder on women.

but they are out there. my boyfriend can't wait for me to start making money so he can stay home with the kids and play in his own machine shop all day.

i think women have just been programmed to feel guilty about not being home with the kids and men have been programmed to believe that they should be out earning lots of money, no matter how much they want to see their kids.
 
My girlfriend and I are getting engaged before we move out to New York so I can go to med school. I think it will be a big challenge for me, but it will be worse for her as she's got nobody but me, and I'll be in school or studying. I plan to make time for us as much as possible during that first year because I know it only gets harder from here. We both love to ski and travel, and we'll be taking full advantage of the Adirondacks and Boston/New York City/Montreal being so close. I think a big portion of it is setting aside time, just like for studying, for the relationship and making sure that people are communicating.

I do have one advantage over the other posters: I'm real blessed to be with a woman who's sense of humor is just as dry, black, sarcastic, and gross as mine, so I can talk shop to her any day of the week!

The way I look at this whole situation is that I have to do what will make me and my fiance happy. I cannot see myself without my fiance, and I know she feels the same way. I also know I belong in medicine. Medical school will be a "we" thing for us, and Duke seems very good about inviting spouses to everything they have. It will be a lot of work, but I know it will work.
I just saw this and I think it's awesome - this is exactly how I'm going to approach it and how I suggest the rest of you do so as well.
 
I'm married and have two young children. I have tried to prepare my husband for what med school will be like for our family but for the most part, it can't be known or understood until experienced. I know it will be difficult, but don't really know how it will all work out. There is no way to prepare him for the amount of work he will have to do in our house and with the kids once I go to school. We will just take it as it comes.
 
Hi bigfatk,

I wish I could offer you good advice or at least words of encouragement, but my partner of 4 years and I just broke up 2 weeks ago (I am almost finished with my first year of medical school). We had lived together for 3.5 yrs and I had tried to prepare him as best I could and to spend time with him despite the demands of school, even to the point of isolating myself from my class a bit as an earlier poster described (and as I am only now fully appreciating). I wouldn't blame our relationship's ending on med school, but it is a stressor and a huge time commitment and that will almost certainly put a strain on a relationship. If your relationship is strong, you'll probably make it through, but if there are weaknesses--even ones that you weren't really aware of or didn't think were a big deal before--it will bring them out and exacerbate them. There have been numerous breakups and even a couple of divorces in my class so far; at the same time, I know of a couple people who have gotten engaged and several who are expecting children, usually all signs of healthy relationships.

Unfortunately, I don't think there is some kind of magic formula or words to say that will prepare your partner. It is a big transition and neither of you can know right now what effect it will have. The best thing you can do is talk honestly (emphasis on the honesty, which of course you can only control with yourself) with each other about your expectations and concerns, both now and as you progress in your education. Try to be there for your SO and offer reassurance, but at the same time based on my experience I would say don't make him your whole world--get to know your classmates and keep up other friendships, even if sometimes that means sacrificing a little time with him. It is better for your relationship in the long run to have outside support, and if things don't work out it will obviously be better not to be dealing with it by yourself. Good luck.
 
MollyMalone said:
I think it's utterly dependent on the specific personalities involved and not something you can usefully generalize about.

Ditto, my GF of 4+ years and I are just taking things in stride. She's in law school in vermont and I'm going to med school @NYMC. We're both going to do our best to make things work because that's all that anyone can do. We've been fitting in a weekend or 2 a month while she's at school and I work in Boston. We're both flexible and are trying to make things as livable as possible for eachother. Feel free to PM if you want to discuss, I'd rather not dangle my personal life out in the open for all SDN to read.
 
I'll be married 3 years in July, and I didn't get into med school this year, but that might be a good thing: I figure the time effort, and expense of medical school is sort of akin to having children. And since everyone says to not have children until you've been married a few years so you can spend that precious time together, it's a good thing I didn't get into medical school this year.

However, thank God my husband is so understanding! I've got the 'I want to be a doctor because what my doctors did for me' syndrome...and he was there with me through the final two surgeries (back in '96), so he completely understands why I HAVE TO do this. I just do my best to make time for him, even while pursuing a master's degree, and hope to do the same when I'm in medical school.
 
I don't know about the rest of you guys, but personally I've been just as busy (and stressed) this past year working full-time and taking premed classes as some of my friends in med school (at least those in the basic science years - clinics is no doubt more intense depending on what service they're on with some rotations being hideous - surgery and internal medicine for instance and others not being so bad i.e. stuff like f.p.). So, while med school's a big commitment that takes time away from relationships (and can be stressful), based on my outside vantage point I'm not so sure it's completely removed from the premed experience (or any experience that involves long hours of working hard and intensely focusing on a set subject). I do think it helps though if your partner is also working on his/her own goals (academic, professional, or otherwise) and not just sitting at home waiting for you outside of 9am-5pm hours.
 
I've been married for 13 years. We're rather mired in the emergency services thing, so taking call, having tough calls, late nights aren't a new thing to us. When I went back to school 4 years ago, I took 21 credits a semester, with at least two labs each semester. So long classroom times aren't foreign. My husband was away for schooling for months at a time a few times, so time away isn't foreign. Have we had times where one of us was completely stressed out to the point of a lack of communication? You bet. And we got pretty good at riding those times out. You learn to read your partner and do the small things to help out. Is it going to be tough? You bet. And we're well aware of that.

We do talk often and remind each other "eye on the prize", and most importantly "together... we can do anything". It is definitely a journey TOGETHER. And it's very important to remind each other of that.
 
what kind of things should the medical student do to let their partner know that it's worth while for them to stick around? i know all about communication, but no matter how much you talk and what you say, i feel that it is your actions that tell the real story. and i feel like once in medical school, especially for the first months i can become oblivious to everything else...
 
bigfatk said:
what kind of things should the medical student do to let their partner know that it's worth while for them to stick around? i know all about communication, but no matter how much you talk and what you say, i feel that it is your actions that tell the real story. and i feel like once in medical school, especially for the first months i can become oblivious to everything else...
Have protected time set aside for just you and your SO. Develop interests where you can participate together (running, skiing, etc). Plan (short) vacations together, and then make sure you study enough to take the time off.

EDIT: Note how many times Shy and I used the word 'together.'
 
bigfatk said:
what kind of things should the medical student do to let their partner know that it's worth while for them to stick around? i know all about communication, but no matter how much you talk and what you say, i feel that it is your actions that tell the real story. and i feel like once in medical school, especially for the first months i can become oblivious to everything else...

Do little things every day. Like leave him a note in the morning if you have to get up for school before he does. Doesn't have to be a 10 pg love letter, just a couple lines to let him know you're thinking about him and will miss him all day. Remember to ask how his day was too. Make an effort to spend time with his friends from his job/school/whatever. Every now and then surprise him with a massage (and don't ask for one in return) or cook him his favorite dinner, or any little thing like that you know he'll like. Encourage him to stay involved with his other friends/interests/work so that he will be occupied with things as well. And make sure you share in each other's interests. Bottom line: you want him to be supportive of you in med school, but let his interests/desires be a focus of your life too and be sure to support him right back.
 
My husband even studied with me... if I had flash cards, he would hold them up. He had no CLUE what the heck the words meant, or what the drawing was, but he could tell if what I said was what was on teh back of the card. And he would nod and smile and say "yep" when I rambled on about stuff - or rambled to get it straight in my head. Make dinner together. Do laundry together. He'd ask questions about stuff and tie some stuff to his job (was really awesome for his bomb squad stuff). It really helps to cement things in your head if you can explain it to someone that doesn't have a friggin' clue what you're talking about.

The nice thing about talking with your partner even about your school work is it gets you thinking about applications of what you're using. Try to get them involved, get them to see what makes it so fascinating for you, try to find applications to their work, their life, their interests.

And as for getting wrapped up in med school - my husband would sometimes come home and still be in "work mode". or I'd come home and still be in "lab mode". We had an agreement that we say "KNOCK THAT **** OFF". Once it took a butter fight to get out of it (don't ask). Allow yourself to be silly once in a while. It helps.

Ok. This is rambly (I haven't had lunch yet, and breakfast was 6 hours ago). You get the idea. Relationships take some work on both sides. Find what works. TOGETHER.
 
stiffany said:
I don't know about the rest of you guys, but personally I've been just as busy (and stressed) this past year working full-time and taking premed classes as some of my friends in med school (at least those in the basic science years - clinics is no doubt more intense depending on what service they're on with some rotations being hideous - surgery and internal medicine for instance and others not being so bad i.e. stuff like f.p.). So, while med school's a big commitment that takes time away from relationships (and can be stressful), based on my outside vantage point I'm not so sure it's completely removed from the premed experience (or any experience that involves long hours of working hard and intensely focusing on a set subject).

I totally agree with you Stiffany. Granted I haven't started med school yet...but being at work for 8+ hours a day, then studying for the MCAT or tutoring at night and not getting home until 8 or later, I feel like I've already been spending a lot of time away from home and my relationship. I think working full-time can also stress a relationship and I wouldn't be surprised if I have more free time in med school than I've had in the past couple of years. If you think about it a lot of people work demanding full-time jobs, some work two jobs, have kids but they probably encounter the same stresses on their relationships. I don't really think med school is that unique in causing relationship problems. I think it's where the people are coming from. A lot of pre-meds come straight from college where they had lots of free time and more time for their SO. Then they get to med school which is kinda like their first full-time job and they realize what the rest of the world faces. I'm not trying to diminish the demands of med school, but I just think many people who are not med students face the same problems.
 
cadilakgrl said:
I totally agree with you Stiffany. Granted I haven't started med school yet...but being at work for 8+ hours a day, then studying for the MCAT or tutoring at night and not getting home until 8 or later, I feel like I've already been spending a lot of time away from home and my relationship. I think working full-time can also stress a relationship and I wouldn't be surprised if I have more free time in med school than I've had in the past couple of years. If you think about it a lot of people work demanding full-time jobs, some work two jobs, have kids but they probably encounter the same stresses on their relationships. I don't really think med school is that unique in causing relationship problems. I think it's where the people are coming from. A lot of pre-meds come straight from college where they had lots of free time and more time for their SO. Then they get to med school which is kinda like their first full-time job and they realize what the rest of the world faces. I'm not trying to diminish the demands of med school, but I just think many people who are not med students face the same problems.

I also worked 2 jobs, went to school full-time, and studied for the MCAT (twice)... I agree med school will definitely not be easier, but at least we will be used to working our a** off and getting very little sleep! The point is, if you want to make time for something, you will!!! :p
 
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