Anesthesiology and Marriage

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climbingdocs

climbingdocs

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Any married folks out there have any good advice how not to get a divorce while in residency? 😎
 
Internship is probably the worst year, so choose a good internship--not too cush, but not brutal. Mine was too rigorous. Pay attention to Dr. Doze. My wife didn't really care for where I went to med school and did my internship. It was an ugly city far away from her family with no mountains and no ocean. She made excellent friends while she was in grad school and that made things more tolerable. We're now in a nicer location for residency, and she's much happier. Keep in mind what your spouse likes--geography (ocean, mountain, plains, big city, smaller city), opportunities (job, school, etc), relationships (family, friends, etc). You need to be in a place where your spouse can have some support, either through work, church, other residents' spouses, residents' spouses' group, etc. Acknowledge the sacrifice your spouse makes.

I'm finding that my wife is expressing more anger at my residency and work hours since we had a child, especially when my schedule is particularly bad (hearts until 3:00 AM, liver transplants in the middle of the night). I'm still working far less than when I was an intern, and I've got most weekends off, but she's getting more upset than she did previously. I don't know whether that's because of our baby or because she's getting sick and tired of putting up with the crap of residency.

Talk to some married residents at your home school's program and when you interview. See what they have to say.
 
Basically, the same advice applies to anyone who is married

1 Choose the right person

2 Always be willing to talk with her/him

3 Make time for just the two of you (see #2)

4 Don't cheat.

Follow the above four things and you will do well.
 
date night.

If you do not COMMIT time to a date night and STICK to it fights will ensue.
 
gasnewby said:
Break up now, before you start.
Click to expand...

Too late now, I have been married for 4 years. It's pretty hard just being in med school but I have a feeling that residency will be worse. Do you guys have your spouses visit you while you are oncall overnight? 😀
 
Ha! So now question is what will be the right residency. :laugh:

I am a married chick, so I think it will be easier for me, as men are not as needy as women (or are they?). I just have to make sure HE doesn't cheat 😡 😉
 
dr doze said:
The right residency is a city where he can get a decent job, and or has family that he is close to and or has a community that is a good fit for his personality.

When interviewing for residency, I brought my wife on the interviews for smaller cities. (she is a big city east coast girl) I loved Mayo, but ranked it low because she would not have done well there. Still together 22 years.http://img.studentdoctor.net/images/smilies/lovey.gif
Click to expand...

that's encauraging 😀 We already talked that we have to go places where he (and hopefully I ) can climb. So, flat lands are out of a question. Family is not as important though, and he is going to be a teacher so work should be ok. Just worrying about very little time together 🙁
 
It's not just residency. Many times you work even harder after you graduate. In fact, didn't you have to make a LOT of sacrifices as a medical student? So, its medicine altogether. In fact, it's not just medicine that is hard, but marriage is hard as well. 50% of all marriages fail. Only hitting a baseball is tougher.

You can't worry about your spouse cheating, trust is extremely important in any relationship. But if he does, then you picked the wrong guy. However, be attentive to his needs AND your relationship's needs and he will won't look elsewhere to fill them.

What helps as well is to find a program that is serous about the 80 hour work week. Some places don't adhere to it.

The fact that you are concerned means that you care enough to make it work, which is the most important thing.
 
#1) Open communication and 100% honesty. Beyond love and respect (which you should have already), there is not much else you need beside some quality time together.

If you have a policy for each other to say what they are feeling without the other person taking it personally and turning into a fight, this helps keep resentment from building and creating conflict.

#2) Set aside a minimum of 1 night a month to get out and have a "real" date. Dress up nice, dinner, movie, ect.. Somehow this helps both of us keep our sanity and reconnect more than simply dinner or a video at home.

And for me:
#3) My wife can't truly understand what 24-30 hrs of call is like but we have a understanding that when I am post call she can make a list of things she would like done and if I have the energy I will do what I can but that she will not expect anything. This way if all I can do is just lie on the couch and watch DVD's until going to bed at 5pm to sleep for 13hrs (I find I get less "jet lagged" by doing it this way) she is cool with that. As long as I be sure to do my share of the household duties at other times.

Just my 2 Canadian cents (Woo hoo! which are worth more than US cents now!)
 
So I wonder if there are any women that have something to say. It just feels wierd to be the one to work 80+hrs (and I am only a student still) a week while my husband will work half of that. I guess roles turned around in 21st century and it is more common now that women are the ones that bring home the money. Just looks like the idea of marriage got "redefined". I mean, I love the fact that I can pursue career that women didn't even dream of before BUT now I feel like dynamics of marriage is different: now that he will be the one with more time at home, does it mean that he will be the one expected to do housework? I kinda hope so, but I am not sure if men are brought up that way. 😕
 
my husband has the greatest job on earth...it is like half vacation especially because I do the books, billing, taxes, hire and fire, etc. for his business (yes i am a little bitter sometimes).
there are days i love becoming a doctor but it is a tough road...i suspect i will love more days being a doctor. he can't believe i work as hard as i do and don't get paid...in fact pay for this.
it bothers me sometimes that he doesn't understand what my life is like or understand what i am going through. my current frustration is that he doesn't understand the whole match thing. the other day i told him what program i thought i wanted to go to and put first on my list and he was like, okay, so when are we going to look at property there? I told him it wasn't that easy and explained the match for like the 100th time. blank look. he says i am sure if you call them and tell them you really want to come they will take you now... he sincerely doesn't get it.

as far as the housework, etc. hire maid once a week (costs $100), get take out... you will be able to afford these small luxuries as a resident... don't sweat the small stuff....
 
thanks 😀
 
climbingdocs said:
So I wonder if there are any women that have something to say. It just feels wierd to be the one to work 80+hrs (and I am only a student still) a week while my husband will work half of that. I guess roles turned around in 21st century and it is more common now that women are the ones that bring home the money. Just looks like the idea of marriage got "redefined". I mean, I love the fact that I can pursue career that women didn't even dream of before BUT now I feel like dynamics of marriage is different: now that he will be the one with more time at home, does it mean that he will be the one expected to do housework? I kinda hope so, but I am not sure if men are brought up that way. 😕
Click to expand...

so, I'm a woman... My BF is a (~35 hr/wk) chef (and part-time perpetual student). We've already talked about how if we were to have kids, he would stay home and raise them. His mom is a CEO and his dad stayed home to raise him and his sisters, so the idea isn't foreign to him at all. For me, however, that's a difficult concept. My mom was a nurse part time while my siblings and I were growing up, always home when we got home from school, and I always pictured myself in a "mom" role as well. To hand those reins over would be difficult for me.
For now though, with no kids in the picture, living together is pretty nice. On days when I'm at the hospital from 5 am until 6 or 7 pm (ie surgery rotations...), I kinda want to shake my head and say "you don't GET it" when he asks "what do you want to do tonight" when I get home (um, I want to sleep...) However, dinner is always, always made for me, which is GREAT (I did say my BF is a chef though. Plus, I can't cook to save either of our lives). As for the housekeeping... He's getting better, but Amyl is right, housekeepers aren't super expensive...
 
also, Amyl, if I have to explain the Match process one more time I just might combust. I realize it's kind of a complicated thing, but dear god, my boyfriend, family, friends... no one seems to get it no matter how many times I explain it!
 
I'm an XX intern and have a fantastic guy significant other ("boyfriend" ends up sounding so illegitmate, you know?). We lived about 2 hours apart during most of med school so driving and being apart are things we're reasonably used to. He had some say in the residency location decision (although we both ended up liking the area where my #1 was, so no huge conflicts). We bought a house and in addition to residency, he is out of town for work a few day a week. I don't know if that makes it easier or harder, but our relationship has worked out great through these first 6 months at least. He is really good about helping to get things done around the house and we arrange our schedules to my days off line up when he can be home.

The #1 factor is defintely the partner. If he or I were less secure or more dependent on the other, it would be a disaster.
 
I am a 3rd year so slowly I am starting to work on the match explanation, so hopefully be they time 4th year comes my husband will understand. 😀
 
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