Advice needed.

[Medizin]

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My job as a medical student is to be undistracted and to do the best possible in my coursework.

That said, here’s my situation briefly. “So sad, too bad,” I know.
My dad recently got very sick. He earned a lot of money over the course of his life, but was not very good at financial planning. My mom is calling me her “little lawyer”. I have to liaise between my mother and lawyers and financial advisors. My dad has a PhD and JD. I could not know I would be “left” with my mother who only has a bachelor’s degree. I love my mother dearly, but she isn’t very worldly-wise. I am finding this is really exhausting (taking notes at lawyer consultations, finding and collecting documents, estimating a budget etc) and my number one priority is med school. That said, I would like to decouple myself from her, but I care about how my parents end up and I have an investment in the situation. My father also expressed recently that he would like to help me either pay for medical school or pay off medical school loans. There was likely enough to do this. The best the lawyers have said is sort of a “we’ll see how much your parents can help you.” I have been told I could get my own legal representation, but the issues seem to be that, it would cause great rifts between my mother and me, and I’m not sure what the cost of such representation to me would be. I’m relatively young, by the way.

1)So,I guess, what advice do you have for me?

2)In some way I view this as a financial education. Not that I would have the time to read anything other than med school books, but can you recommend books/articles/etc that have been helpful in your financial education? How is FA for Finance?

3)Maybe to get a financial education you just have to “pay to play.” I know money matters are usually ineffable, but I suppose if I have it, there would be advisor who could “teach” me. My dad was known to say, “they’d be happy to take your money.”

Thanks.

 

[Hermeneutics]

umm wut?

 

[Alvarez13]

My job as a medical student is to be undistracted and to do the best possible in my coursework.

That said, here’s my situation briefly. “So sad, too bad,” I know.
My dad recently got very sick. He earned a lot of money over the course of his life, but was not very good at financial planning. My mom is calling me her “little lawyer”. I have to liaise between my mother and lawyers and financial advisors. My dad has a PhD and JD. I could not know I would be “left” with my mother who only has a bachelor’s degree. I love my mother dearly, but she isn’t very worldly-wise. I am finding this is really exhausting (taking notes at lawyer consultations, finding and collecting documents, estimating a budget etc) and my number one priority is med school. That said, I would like to decouple myself from her, but I care about how my parents end up and I have an investment in the situation. My father also expressed recently that he would like to help me either pay for medical school or pay off medical school loans. There was likely enough to do this. The best the lawyers have said is sort of a “we’ll see how much your parents can help you.” I have been told I could get my own legal representation, but the issues seem to be that, it would cause great rifts between my mother and me, and I’m not sure what the cost of such representation to me would be. I’m relatively young, by the way.

1)So,I guess, what advice do you have for me?

2)In some way I view this as a financial education. Not that I would have the time to read anything other than med school books, but can you recommend books/articles/etc that have been helpful in your financial education? How is FA for Finance?

3)Maybe to get a financial education you just have to “pay to play.” I know money matters are usually ineffable, but I suppose if I have it, there would be advisor who could “teach” me. My dad was known to say, “they’d be happy to take your money.”

Thanks.

Talk to the guy in this thread: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=917473.

He seems to have the same problem. You could help each other out.

 

[Medizin]

Talk to the guy in this thread: http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=917473.

He seems to have the same problem. You could help each other out.

Wise guy

 

[SpecterGT260]

Is your father so sick that he can't arrange his affairs himself? As a jd ud think this would be in the bag

 

[Medizin]

Is your father so sick that he can't arrange his affairs himself? As a jd ud think this would be in the bag

Thanks for your reply. Yes, he has dementia now.

 

[sanityonleave]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, he has dementia now.

I would not get your own representation -- I think that's a very bad idea. That injects acrimony and conflict into a situation where there doesn't appear to be any.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd go ahead and plan to finance your own way through med school and if you end up getting anything from your parents that's a bonus. Worst case scenario if things drag on / don't get arranged they could always help you pay off your loans later. I would not press the issue -- despite the fact that your dad would like to help pay for some of your medical education, he has a disease which is going to require a ton of medical care (and generic non-medical help) and your mother doesn't appear to have a lot of independent earnings potential. Suffice it to say that while you may get lucky and they may be able to help you, their first priority should be ensuring that there's enough for your dad to be taken care of and your mom to be able to live on.

As far as working with / advising your mother on the proceedings... that's a tougher issue. I think you need to be available to help where you can, but you need to make your mother take ownership of the management of these issues. You don't have the expertise nor is it your responsibility to shoulder the burden of estate / end of life planning for the two of them. Again, I'd say you should be available to help where you can, but I think you need to make it very clear that you're not the one responsible for this. Unfortunately, like many other things in life, the more responsibility you take the more you'll be given. If you take the pressure off of your mom by handling all of the proceedings and she doesn't have to deal with it herself, you're going to end up handling everything for the foreseeable future, which you may or may not be equipped or willing to do.

I know ^ sounds harsh (and there will be people on here who will bash you for not giving 100% to support your parents), but the fact is that you would be doing them a disservice by taking over everything when you really aren't the right person to deal with this.

Whatever you do, hiring your own lawyer is a waste of money and is simply likely to put you and your mother at odds. Unless you think that she's screwing you out of something you're entitled to (and I would think long and hard before I decided that was the case, since it absolutely will [firsthand experience] destroy your family), you're just wasting money.

EDIT:

As far as questions 2/3 -- I'd pick up a few basic books on personal finances from your local bookstore, depending on your base level of knowledge. One of the best resources would be family or a family friend that you trust/respect. I think if I was in this situation, I would probably turn to one of my parents' close friends who I had a good relationship with and ask their advice -- but you may or may not have anyone in that situation you feel you can talk to. I wouldn't go see a financial adviser or anything, as I think that's going to be a waste of money at this stage. If you need help planning your personal finances for the next four years, your school's financial aid office will help you with that for free.

 

[SpecterGT260]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, he has dementia now.

I can relate to a degree. My grandmother currently dealing with this (so technically my mother and grandfather...) I'm sorry to hear it.

This is going to quickly become a subjective matter with the only right answer being the one that best fits you. 1) dont fail Med school
2) protect your interests as best you can
3) try to work 1 and 2 in that order such that you can keep your family intact.

Presented in order of importance from my perspective

 

[Medizin]

As far as working with / advising your mother on the proceedings... that's a tougher issue. I think you need to be available to help where you can, but you need to make your mother take ownership of the management of these issues. You don't have the expertise nor is it your responsibility to shoulder the burden of estate / end of life planning for the two of them. Again, I'd say you should be available to help where you can, but I think you need to make it very clear that you're not the one responsible for this. Unfortunately, like many other things in life, the more responsibility you take the more you'll be given. If you take the pressure off of your mom by handling all of the proceedings and she doesn't have to deal with it herself, you're going to end up handling everything for the foreseeable future, which you may or may not be equipped or willing to do.

I know ^ sounds harsh (and there will be people on here who will bash you for not giving 100% to support your parents), but the fact is that you would be doing them a disservice by taking over everything when you really aren't the right person to deal with this.

I’ve been chewing on your post. I appreciate what you are saying that if I assume responsibility, the more I take, the more I will be given.

What we care about is med school. Some would say I was a jerk if I got legal representation. I get it. One of the cons to getting legal representation that I considered is such proceedings aren’t usually quick. In other words, I don’t foresee balancing medical school and being involved in a legal case. Also, you’re right: I don’t really want to destroy my family.

Med school is my first priority. Maybe I can work in a vacation. I don’t sleep at night now. I’ve got to learn to cope with this PDQ. I just want to keep my head down, you know, my nose clean, and study.

 

[Medizin]

I can relate to a degree. My grandmother currently dealing with this (so technically my mother and grandfather...) I'm sorry to hear it.

This is going to quickly become a subjective matter with the only right answer being the one that best fits you. 1) dont fail Med school
2) protect your interests as best you can
3) try to work 1 and 2 in that order such that you can keep your family intact.

Presented in order of importance from my perspective

Thanks for responding. I agree. I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother.

I'm open to more opinions.

 

[Rendar5]

Just take out loans and pay for medical school like plenty of other medical students. You're an adult now and should not be dependent on your parents for money. If they are having financial difficulties, the last thing you need to do is make that worse for them. You'd only be hurting yourself and them in the long run. Your dad will need all the money for his future medical expenses, including hiring an aide when his dementia gets worse.

You should talk with the financial adviser at your school. They do not get paid by you, they're there for advice.
You do need to become financially smart, most doctors are not, your adviser can offer you some advice on this, but you really need to educate yourself on this during residency and within your first year out.
Some financial advisers look out only for themselves, others are there to do their job of being paid to look out for your money. If your dad was not financially savvy, I'd have a hard time listening to his advise that "they're just there to get your money". Your job in a few years will be to find out the criteria that you can trust. Medicine earns a fair amount and requires for very late financial planning and financial savings

 

[normtheniner]

Just take out loans and pay for medical school like plenty of other medical students. You're an adult now and should not be dependent on your parents for money. If they are having financial difficulties, the last thing you need to do is make that worse for them. You'd only be hurting yourself and them in the long run. Your dad will need all the money for his future medical expenses, including hiring an aide when his dementia gets worse.

You should talk with the financial adviser at your school. They do not get paid by you, they're there for advice.
You do need to become financially smart, most doctors are not, your adviser can offer you some advice on this, but you really need to educate yourself on this during residency and within your first year out.
Some financial advisers look out only for themselves, others are there to do their job of being paid to look out for your money. If your dad was not financially savvy, I'd have a hard time listening to his advise that "they're just there to get your money". Your job in a few years will be to find out the criteria that you can trust. Medicine earns a fair amount and requires for very late financial planning and financial savings

👍


I strongly agree with this poster. Take out some loans and live frugally for a few years... You'll make it back.

I think whats more important is being supportive of your family at this time and start planning to live off of loans for the next few years.

 

[Medizin]

Just take out loans and pay for medical school like plenty of other medical students. You're an adult now and should not be dependent on your parents for money. If they are having financial difficulties, the last thing you need to do is make that worse for them. You'd only be hurting yourself and them in the long run. Your dad will need all the money for his future medical expenses, including hiring an aide when his dementia gets worse.

You should talk with the financial adviser at your school. They do not get paid by you, they're there for advice.
You do need to become financially smart, most doctors are not, your adviser can offer you some advice on this, but you really need to educate yourself on this during residency and within your first year out.
Some financial advisers look out only for themselves, others are there to do their job of being paid to look out for your money. If your dad was not financially savvy, I'd have a hard time listening to his advise that "they're just there to get your money". Your job in a few years will be to find out the criteria that you can trust. Medicine earns a fair amount and requires for very late financial planning and financial savings

Thanks for your advice. I gotta correct where I gave the wrong impression. I don't think my dad said about financial advisors that they would be happy to take my money, but he might as well have. I believe he said that about hiring attorneys and when I hired a Medical School Admissions Consultant. But this speaks to the "culture of money" in which I was raised.

I always wondered how common this line of thinking is and I'm curious how common it is on SDN.

I learned from my father:

1. It's possible to be paranoid about money
2. To have issues of trust surrounding money
3. Most importantly, as I said earlier, money is "ineffable"
meaning you don't talk about it

So I ask you, how common is this?

I have to be careful not to get into specifics, but my parents always lived very frugally (in general) and it's my impression that they just "socked it away" for the most part.