Am I being selfish wanting to be a Dr

[Medstudent_2008]

Hi all.

I have been wanting to go to med school for the past three years (and when I was younger at school as well but never really got the grades or applied myself at school to consider medicine as an option)
A few years ago I took some correspondance papers from a university here in NZ and realised that I do have the drive and intelligence to go through medical school. My problem is that I am a bit older (28) and my wife is really against the idea as over here in New Zealand it would require 6 years of education to complete a medical degree. (I realise the training is different in the USA)
We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.
Everytime I try to talk to her about how important it is for me to try we get into a fight and I feel terrible. Yet many of my friends and colleagues remind me that you only live once and need to also do that which makes you happy. I know I will regret it if I dont do it but at the same time, if I do go ahead and do a med degree it will cost me my marriage. Have any other non traditionals out there had the same troubles?😳 😕

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[Law2Doc]

Hi all.

I have been wanting to go to med school for the past three years (and when I was younger at school as well but never really got the grades or applied myself at school to consider medicine as an option)
A few years ago I took some correspondance papers from a university here in NZ and realised that I do have the drive and intelligence to go through medical school. My problem is that I am a bit older (28) and my wife is really against the idea as over here in New Zealand it would require 6 years of education to complete a medical degree. (I realise the training is different in the USA)
We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.
Everytime I try to talk to her about how important it is for me to try we get into a fight and I feel terrible. Yet many of my friends and colleagues remind me that you only live once and need to also do that which makes you happy. I know I will regret it if I dont do it but at the same time, if I do go ahead and do a med degree it will cost me my marriage. Have any other non traditionals out there had the same troubles?😳 😕

I doubt many folks have chosen attending med school over an otherwise happy marriage, but the stresses of med school have been known to tear apart weaker relationships. This is really something you need to sit down and hash out with your wife. Don't listen to advice from friends, colleagues or the net on this. Talk to each other.

 

[primadonna22274]

I didn't go to med school because my husband (now my ex for a few other reasons) was unsupportive. Instead, I became a PA. (You don't have those in NZ but if you research "physician assistant" on this board or go to www.aapa.org you'll get a brief overview of who we are and what we do.) I've had periods of happiness in my six years as a PA but I have never been content. I am now nearing 33 and am ready to take the plunge to become a physician. It's been a nagging question that resurfaces every six months or so, "should I go back to med school?", and it never has completely gone away. I cannot presume to tell you how to handle this with your wife but from life experience, I can tell you that for me, my husband's lack of support became a festering wound of resentment that got worse and worse until it contributed to the demise of our 13-year relationship. Could we have gotten over it? Probably, if we had been willing to keep trying, but we both got tired and gave up. I will also tell you that divorce was the single most painful experience of my life and 5 years later I am still getting over it so please don't take your marriage too casually. You may need to involve a mediator (maybe a counselor, minister, trusted friend or family member) to help the two of you talk it out without shouting at each other. I wish you the best.
Lisa PA-C

 

[smugtroll]

As a youngster I made a sad attempt at the premed route and failed hard-core; I learned it was a maturity issue and now that I'm 30 I feel far more emotionally prepared but I'm still in research mode. Here is a few items you may want to consider

1. Many folks say they want to be a doctor but are really confused with being in love with the concept and the perception of being a doctor. I was one of those lads who felt that "premed" was an acceptable identity to carry early in college.

2. I've discovered that the majority of residents and doctors are embittered and resentful of their career choice for a variety of reasons.

Overwhelmingly it seems to be the time investment and the opportunity cost. When I questioned docs on their lifestyle the most popular reply was that I "..wouldn't really understand.." yet I dismissed this as arrogance.

Having a little more maturity I can understand and respect their position from my own perspective. When I was 18 I enlisted in the Army and picked infantry. As a kid I always respected the grunts and the airborne. After infantry school I volunteered and qualified Ranger school and finished my 4 year enlistment....and then got the hell out! I have no regrets but I would never do it again. Why? Because just like in the movies you see special ops guys jumping out of planes and blowing up buildings but I can't possibly explain the exhaustion of 3 days w/o sleep; 20 mile road marches; brain washed nut jobs bragging about their combat experience, hungry, cold, sick....I can't explain day in and day out of extreme training; screaming, yelling, terror, pop-pop of a 50 cal.; frigging smoke so thick my boogers are red because...I can't find the words to articulate the pain of blister on top of blister; sheer panic and pain all for a little tab for my uniform. NO I WOULD NOT DO IT AGAIN, EVER......F**K THAT ****

I couldn't just end my shift and go home like a 9-5.....dude trust me the burnout is intense.

It is not worth a divorce. Having MD does not give you some magic beans or empower you with some special knowledge to make everything in your life okay.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

I understand what you mean. I do have a wife that is very supportive but I make good money now, and we have a mortgage, 2 kids, and standard bills it will take a lot to go to med school and losing that income which will make it hard for everyone. I am pursuing med school but I am not sure I could make it without the support of my wife. I do agree that you only live once but make sure you know what you want. If you really want it, then you need to figure out a way to make it happen. Good luck.

 

[Scottish Chap]

Hi all.

I have been wanting to go to med school for the past three years (and when I was younger at school as well but never really got the grades or applied myself at school to consider medicine as an option)
A few years ago I took some correspondance papers from a university here in NZ and realised that I do have the drive and intelligence to go through medical school. My problem is that I am a bit older (28) and my wife is really against the idea as over here in New Zealand it would require 6 years of education to complete a medical degree. (I realise the training is different in the USA)
We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.
Everytime I try to talk to her about how important it is for me to try we get into a fight and I feel terrible. Yet many of my friends and colleagues remind me that you only live once and need to also do that which makes you happy. I know I will regret it if I dont do it but at the same time, if I do go ahead and do a med degree it will cost me my marriage. Have any other non traditionals out there had the same troubles?😳 😕

My advice would be: don't do it. This is life and no career is worth more than your marriage. Being married with a child, I can attest that medical school is not impossible.....but it would also be misleading to say that it's easy. I left a very successful career and turned down a massive job offer to come to medical school (yes - I still have days when I feel that was irresponsible) with no guarantees either, but it would be absolutely impossible without my wife's support. Really.

Ask yourself honestly why you want to become a physician. Have you gained exposure to medicine in a way that can realistically allow you to determine that you want this more than anything and that you have an aptitude for it or are you in love with the idea? Too many people view the life of a physician through rose-tinted spectacles and it's just not like it is portrayed on television; the work is hard, the training is expensive, you are tired a lot of the time, you have to fight the system, and many patients might not even appreciate you being there. You still want to do it? It's not for the faint-hearted or lukewarm.

I've seen far too many people define themselves by their ability or inability to get into medical school and living under the umbrella of such idolatry begets unhappiness like you cannot imagine. A lot of people might disagree with me on this one but, at the end of the day, being a doctor in no different from any other profession in that it really is just what you do for a living. Sure – your patients must come first for the majority of your training, the training is long, and the work hours are long, but there is so much more to life (family, travel etc.).

Have a heart-to-heart with your wife about the possibility of you serving in an allied health profession or caring profession in a way that will allow you to reach your full potential, but perhaps might not be as hard on yourself and your family. After all, isn't marriage about compromise? It's your wife and yourself against the world – forget what your friends insist is best for you vs. what your wife thinks....that's too much power to give any friend. I wish you the very best with your decision.

 

[R.P. McMurphy]

What's more important, your wife or a career in medicine? If you really love your wife and you feel that there is a great potential to lose your marriage, why on earth would you even think about going to med school? On the other hand, if you don't value your marriage that much and this will make you truely happy, just let the wife know so she can take the appropriate actions and move on.

 

[DrMidlife]

When your wife said she doesn't want you to do med school, what was your gut reaction? I can imagine lots of things, from feeling weird about wanting to put the marriage first (but knowing you want to and will), to finding that you've hit upon the issue that you can finally use to get out of a relationship you no longer value. A negative spousal response can turn a personal goal into a vendetta. You could suddenly find yourself wanting to go to med school AT your wife. Know what I mean?

I think that a committed relationship can get right up against your face so you can't see around it. It's a waste of time to think about "in a perfect relationship it'd be like this" or "other relationships have worked (or not) in this situation and that's what I should be looking at." This is one of those awful positions where you may or may not get clarity about the issue, but clarity (the kind that holds still) is what you need.

Best of luck.

 

[MiesVanDerMom]

why isn't she supportive? I think it might have something to do with past events. Have you changed your mind a lot about career (I have)? Has she wanted you to be a breadwinner and you haven't been (common issue amongst couples)? etc. You need to identify what the problem is and go from there. For my part, I came up witha two year plan before applying to med school to show my husband I was really serious. Happiness in your career is extremely important. If your spouse has no good reason for not supporting you,that's not a good sign for the relationship. If it's due to some reasonable issue, then talk about it and come up with a plan. Good luck.

 

[Gooble]

I agree with van der mom (must be pittsburgh minds think alike as that is where I am from originally 😉 ).

My wife has supported me through thick and thin. She moved here and followed me after college when I got a job in DC, she supported me while I went off for military service, she supports me now that I am in law school, and she is willing to give up everything and move with me for a post-bac program if she has to. She is in a grad. program of her own and she still is willing to back me because she knows that this has always been what I have wanted.

You need to figure out if your relationship would be on the rocks without medical school being an issue and go from there.

 

[kate_g]

Yes, you're being selfish - from your wife's perspective. But the reason may be more complicated than you think. She may see you as selfish not because going to medical school is financially irresponsible (you're only 28!), but because she's thinking "what about me?"

It's an issue that has come up before in these forums, and I've gone through it myself. You get so wrapped up in what *you* need - your grades, your test scores, your letters of recommendation, your personal statement, the possibility that the only school you get into will be on the other side of the country - you, you, you. Getting into med school is hard. But it's not ultimately any more important or inherently better than whatever your wife's career goals may be.

I had a similar situation to yours, which was that every time I tried to broach the subject (for me it's vet school), my SO went into a blind panic, was convinced that the fact I had newfound career aspirations meant that I didn't love him anymore, and all kinds of ridiculous stuff. Only after much wailing and gnashing of teeth did it come out that he was unsatisfied with his current career path, torn because he regretted never going to grad school while admitting that he didn't actually want an academic career anymore, and felt like he was going to be stuck at a job he didn't like in order to fund my dreams. Working things out meant I had to stop talking about *me* for a while, completely drop the subject of vet school, and have a lot of conversations about where he wanted to head with his own career and life. Only after he and I both had a solid understanding of where *he* wanted to go - and he understood that I was fully supportive of his goals - could I get back to "let's see if we can work out a way that we both get what we want..."

You said that your wife has actually said she doesn't want to support you for five years of med school... As I said above, the "I'm stuck working so you can play at being a doctor" issue was part of what I faced, too. Eventually I made it clear that he could keep his salary and his share of our savings, and I'd take out loans to pay for it all myself. I think that being reassured I wasn't just using him for money was really important, and in the end I don't think he's going to take me up on that offer - but making it was a necessary gesture.

Anyway, I may have totally misinterpreted your situation. But it might be worth trying to get your wife to talk about her own goals and aspirations, completely out of the context of you going to med school, just to make sure you haven't missed a deeper issue.

 

[Playmakur42]

Doesn't the fact that this guy's wife will leave him if he tries to become a doctor at age 28 raise some major red flags?

 

[Medstudent_2008]

Thanks for the feedback about this issue in this thread. Maybe for others out there that are going through a similar dilemma many of you will have had a point of view that will strike a cord with others.
I will take the advice that many of you have offered and talk to her about her career goals and see how we can arrive at a resolution that is good for both of us. (without mentioning my goals)
Yes, we have spoken to a counsellor who said that I was being selfish for wanting to follow my dreams and not consider my wifes feelings on this. I thought consellors were supposed to be impartial and get to the deeper issues😕 !
She has oftened mentioned that she wants a family and her perception of the career is us having no money for the next 6 years while I am a student. Then once I am a doctor I will be working 70 hour weeks and never be around. (I know for a fact that there are laws coming into effect that limits that amount of hours doctors will be allowed to work each week) These seem to be the big issues that I do know about.

I have tried compromising and I now actually work in an operating theatre so I feel I have a realistic view of part of what the profession offers and its demands. But like one other respondant to this thread, the desire to be a doctor still lingers. It wont seem to go away, no matter how much I try to compromise. I even try and talk myself out of it by saying things like I am in love with the idea of being a doctor or that I want a big salary (I know that other professions can actually make more money and have a better lifestyle!)or just want to live the student life for 6 years, 😱 but this goes deeper than that. And I do find myself resenting my wife a bit for not understanding how important this is to me and I would hate it even more if it did create a gap in our relationship that couldnt be fixed if I dont go ahead.

 

[bookmaven]

My experience:

Married 6 years. I was the one in the marriage that always had the full time job, yet was never satisfied with my career. I have wanted to be a doctor since I was a kid but then I got married... every time I would bring up med-school SO would freak out, so I never pursued the idea. Then, about 7 months ago I had a life threatening emergency and almost died. I lost my job and could not be the care taker in the relationship due to temporary physical limitations. During my recovery I evaluated my life and decided I could not ignore this dream any longer, so about a month ago I told my SO of my plans. About 2 weeks ago, SO admitted to having an affair for the last 8 months, and walked out on me, claiming to be unhappy and unwilling to stick around for the "burden" of medical school.

I do not mean to give any advice here, just sharing my story.

 

[Medstudent_2008]

I am sorry to hear of the break up of your relationship. All the best for your studies though. I hope you have great successes and meet someone else who will truly love and support you.

 

[iheartrain]

Hi all.

I have been wanting to go to med school for the past three years (and when I was younger at school as well but never really got the grades or applied myself at school to consider medicine as an option)
A few years ago I took some correspondance papers from a university here in NZ and realised that I do have the drive and intelligence to go through medical school. My problem is that I am a bit older (28) and my wife is really against the idea as over here in New Zealand it would require 6 years of education to complete a medical degree. (I realise the training is different in the USA)
We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.
Everytime I try to talk to her about how important it is for me to try we get into a fight and I feel terrible. Yet many of my friends and colleagues remind me that you only live once and need to also do that which makes you happy. I know I will regret it if I dont do it but at the same time, if I do go ahead and do a med degree it will cost me my marriage. Have any other non traditionals out there had the same troubles?😳 😕

You should follow your dreams but I would caution, at least for people here in the US, doing well on some correspondence (internet?) classes does not mean you will be successfull in the premed classes or in med school. Try taking the med school pre-reqs maybe part time at university, so that you can keep your job/keep the spouse happy for now and see if med school is really for you. Also try shadowing or volunteering. You may decided med school is or isnt for you, but I would try and get some more insight into the process other than just taking some correspondence classes. If you decide you want to pursue it than you should go for it.

 

[MJB]

I would try to get her to speak rationally with you about it. Anyone in a mature relationship should be able to afford you that courtesy. If she won't even do that, I think I'd take a hard look at things.

My wife isn't always 100% gung ho on things, but we work on things and each others desires as a TEAM.

 

[deleted36260]

We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.

OP, I would say that this is, of course, a decision you two must make. Only you can deteremine how strongly you want to do this.

Me? I wouldn't have any of it. Medschool is my dream. I have already given up a LOT, and I would always resent the person that kept me from going if I were to surrender to their wants.

The fact that her concerns are 1> trying something without guarantee 2> having to support you for 5 years says a lot to me about how much she is willing to put in.

Of course, there's no guarantee, and there never is with anything in life. That's a moot argument and one that totally sounds of lack of confidence/support in your abilities.

Now, the thing that DOES affect her more, is that she will have to burden further with supporting you for 5 years. This is where you need to pull her on board. You make deal that if she supports you, in exchange it means X for you both. You're asking a lot, and you must be willing to let her know there are positives in this for her too.

Good luck, no matter what you choose. Either way, she shouldn't be just shutting the door to this in your face. You too need to talk it out.

 

[FutureDoctorJ]

Hi all.
My problem is that I am a bit older (28) and my wife is really against the idea as over here in New Zealand it would require 6 years of education to complete a medical degree. (I realise the training is different in the USA)
We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.
Everytime I try to talk to her about how important it is for me to try we get into a fight and I feel terrible. Yet many of my friends and colleagues remind me that you only live once and need to also do that which makes you happy. I know I will regret it if I dont do it but at the same time, if I do go ahead and do a med degree it will cost me my marriage. Have any other non traditionals out there had the same troubles?😳 😕

Cost you your marriage? Thats a benefit! (Just kidding). You gotta do what you gotta do. BTW, I'd love to visit Auckland one day and play golf. Aloha to Michael Campbell....🙂

 

[FutureDoctorJ]

When your wife said she doesn't want you to do med school, what was your gut reaction? I can imagine lots of things, from feeling weird about wanting to put the marriage first (but knowing you want to and will), to finding that you've hit upon the issue that you can finally use to get out of a relationship you no longer value. A negative spousal response can turn a personal goal into a vendetta. You could suddenly find yourself wanting to go to med school AT your wife. Know what I mean?

I think that a committed relationship can get right up against your face so you can't see around it. It's a waste of time to think about "in a perfect relationship it'd be like this" or "other relationships have worked (or not) in this situation and that's what I should be looking at." This is one of those awful positions where you may or may not get clarity about the issue, but clarity (the kind that holds still) is what you need.

Best of luck.

I have a school photo similar. Its got to be mid 1960's correct?

 

[DrMidlife]

I have a school photo similar. Its got to be mid 1960's correct?

kindergarten, so that was 1970 or 1971. Wallace & Grommit might owe me royalties.

Took it down, though. Apparently I look too eager and scary to the youngsters.

 

[becky_C]

Hi all.

I have been wanting to go to med school for the past three years (and when I was younger at school as well but never really got the grades or applied myself at school to consider medicine as an option)
A few years ago I took some correspondance papers from a university here in NZ and realised that I do have the drive and intelligence to go through medical school. My problem is that I am a bit older (28) and my wife is really against the idea as over here in New Zealand it would require 6 years of education to complete a medical degree. (I realise the training is different in the USA)
We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.
Everytime I try to talk to her about how important it is for me to try we get into a fight and I feel terrible. Yet many of my friends and colleagues remind me that you only live once and need to also do that which makes you happy. I know I will regret it if I dont do it but at the same time, if I do go ahead and do a med degree it will cost me my marriage. Have any other non traditionals out there had the same troubles?😳 😕

Sounds like me. It took me almost a year to convince my husband that medical school wouldn't ruin our lives or our marriage. It'll mean sacrifices, but that's what we signed up for when we said "I do."

Of course, it didn't hurt that I worked full time to put him through undergrad 🙂 So I had a little bit of bargaining power.

The thing that makes me so mad is that I constantly worry about when are we going to have kids. Which is then makes me think: If I were a man, I wouldn't have to worry about this. Which makes me mad. How dumb am I??

 

[Terpskins99]

Hi all.

I have been wanting to go to med school for the past three years (and when I was younger at school as well but never really got the grades or applied myself at school to consider medicine as an option)
A few years ago I took some correspondance papers from a university here in NZ and realised that I do have the drive and intelligence to go through medical school. My problem is that I am a bit older (28) and my wife is really against the idea as over here in New Zealand it would require 6 years of education to complete a medical degree. (I realise the training is different in the USA)
We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.
Everytime I try to talk to her about how important it is for me to try we get into a fight and I feel terrible. Yet many of my friends and colleagues remind me that you only live once and need to also do that which makes you happy. I know I will regret it if I dont do it but at the same time, if I do go ahead and do a med degree it will cost me my marriage. Have any other non traditionals out there had the same troubles?😳 😕

I've always known that I was intelligent enough for medical school. That wasn't the problem. The problem was getting in in the first place.

How certain are you that you'll actually matriculate into medical school? I mean, if you're not 100% certain of that, then is it really worth the risk of sacrificing your MARRIAGE? I wouldn't think so.

Also, what are your motiviations for getting an M.D.? Is it to learn medicine and to help others in that capacity? As others in this thread have already mentioned, you can do that without being a doctor. Why do you HAVE to be a doctor to accomplish that?

Or is it just for the prestige and the recognition that come along with the degree? If thats the case, then I would have to agree with your psychiatrist and say that forcing your wife to go along with your plan is pretty selfish and inconsiderate. You do realize that you won't be going through the whole med school experience yourself. SHE will as well. The only difference is that she won't receive a degree in return for the effort she's put in. Is that fair? Be honest.

 

[Gooble]

The above post is exactly where I am struggling. The fear of leaving a secure salary and free legal education to take hope I can get into medical school.

Its scary. I feel like if I don't go for it I know I will regret it down the road and wonder "what-if," but on the other hand if I go for it and end up going from upper-middle-class to $40k in debt from undergraduate post-bac with no job and no acceptances that could be emotionally devestating I imagine.

 

[spicedmanna]

A few years ago I took some correspondance papers from a university here in NZ and realised that I do have the drive and intelligence to go through medical school. My problem is that I am a bit older (28) and my wife is really against the idea as over here in New Zealand it would require 6 years of education to complete a medical degree. (I realise the training is different in the USA)

We have a mortgage, no kids, but my wife feels that I am taking a risk as there is still no guarantee that I will make the cut and she is not wanting to be supporting a student for the next 5 years (the 6th year we get paid for over here) if I am successful.

Everytime I try to talk to her about how important it is for me to try we get into a fight and I feel terrible. Yet many of my friends and colleagues remind me that you only live once and need to also do that which makes you happy. I know I will regret it if I dont do it but at the same time, if I do go ahead and do a med degree it will cost me my marriage. Have any other non traditionals out there had the same troubles?😳 😕

Well, your second paragraph basically states what is universally true; there are no guarantees in life other than eventual death. If you go looking for one beyond that, you'll often become dissapointed. Of course you could fail; I mean, the acceptance rate at most US medical schools is under 10%. Although risk should definitely be considered in making your choice, I would not allow it to paralyze you, especially if you feel passionate toward a specific direction. I think if one were to take a big risk, it ought to be in the realm of making a choice that brings additional "aliveness" into one's life. It's worth risking it all for greater aliveness, in my opinion. I mean, there should be that kind of payoff. Fulfulling one's life dream to become a medical doctor would be considered in that category. Is the journey to becoming a doctor in that category for you?

While I can certainly understand how wanting to drop the status quo for pursuing medicine would rock the boat of just about any relationship, there doesn't appear to be any room for discussion in yours. That's rarely a good sign. I'm no mental health professional, or relationship therapist, but it sounds like there is something else between you two that needs resolving and the pursuing medicine "talk" precipitates it. That would be my more immediate concern here; as one of my mentor's loved to say, "Small problem now, big problem later..." And arguments are never what they seem to be at face value.

In my very vivid imagination, partners in a relationship support each other in expanding into their fullest creative potential, whatever that looks like. At least that's what I want my relationship path to look like. Where things go awry is when one partner is pursuing their dreams while another lies stagnant and unfulfilled. Then guess what happens? That's right: Fear, bitterness, resentment, blame (really, fear, sadness, and anger)...

This shouldn't be just about your dreams to become a doctor, but also about fulfilling her dreams, too, whatever they might be, and about achieving them together. Build your relationship strong enough to be the vessel by which you both can reach your goals; there is so much synergistic energy there. You shouldn't have to choose either this or that. You can first begin with an open dialogue and resolving the things that are getting in the way of that.

Good luck through this challenging time. 😉

 

[Mleung39]

I believe that if you don't do what you really want in life then you're not going to be truly happy and if you're not truly happy, then whats the point of living? And if you decide not to go to med school because of your wife then you're eventually going to resent her and that might not be a good thing.
But again, this is all based on perspective. I left my ex because she was un-supportive. So now i realize i need to be with someone who is supportive. It makes a huge difference in life.
Bottom line, happiness is the key to life.

 

[BitingPlates]

Well I was not married but I was in a relationship for four years that recently ended because of the med school issue. She wanted a family sooner than I could give her, plus I really didn't want to drag her through all of this also. This is the only thing I want to do in my life, I am not close to my family, and I love to work. It is a major sacrifice that you have to give, goodluck with your issues.

 

[medtechv79]

Your wife is also being a little selfish if she doesn't want you to pursue your dreams, but she could also be realisitic. You need to sit down and talk to her your plan of action (loans, financial matters, time-table for a family etc.) Do u guys have the same goals? Like do u both want kids, does she also want to go back to school? Also, yeah finances are probably one of the biggest reasons people divorce! So since you are in a committed relationship u really got to work out that aspect of it! make sure u have enough money to pursue this or if not, you will need to get help (loans, parents her parents etc.)

I intend to go back to school as well (vet school or grad school) my spouse is very supportive and says wherever I want to go to school he will follow. However, although he says that I always try to keep him in mind as well...its not all about me me me! I make sure if we move and I pursue my dream, how will we pay bills, can he too find a job in that city? and so forth. He also wants to go back to school as well and I support that fully. So we both try to meet in the middle and make sure each of us is fulfilled in our dreams.

I agree with other posters if shes not supportive....and u don't pursue yer dream that resentment could resurface later in the future. I would try out yer dreams first start with post bacc classes and let her see how it goes from there....if not maybe u should reevaluate things. Maybe tell her to meet u in the middle somewhere ...Unfortunately she should be more supportive I think but I would assuage her fears first and take it day by day.....let her know u will not let her support just you thru all those six years while she doesn't get to pursue her dreams also! maybe she is just scared!!! I don't think from my perspective yer relationship has a red flag...but then again I also don't really know u....😀

p.s. does her income suffice to support the two of you anyways if u go to med school?? I'd think about that also.

 

[medtechv79]

geez I hate to say this but do u have a history of changing jobs, or pursuing endless dreams that don't work out? If this is the only time u have wanted to pursue a dream and she is worried or even adamant about it....try to get her to see your side of things. Tell her if u don't at least try you will eventually resent HER for not letting you try. If u do try and get in....then u need to find a way to work it out.
But if she is adamant about not letting u try at all...then u really need to either reevaluate what's going on and ask her what is really worrying her...(is it really money? is she being selfish? etc.)
Also-do U really want to go to med school? if the answer is yes...then I would talk to her about it...and tell her you aren't being selfish...b/c obviously you are here asking for advice and worrying about yer relationship right?!?!!

this is a really bad example but what about all those spouses of famous actors? tom hanks? oh god...Jenna Jameson? I mean her husband watches her have sex with millions of guys and he doesn't seem to have a problem with it. He's supportive of her freakin career! U want to pursue a dream to better yerself and even her with a better life....
I hope noone responds to my example! I'm just saying spouses do need to be supportive of one another! Yer both a team!!!

 

[Irongirl03]

I have a friend who started Osteopathic school at age 40! I don't know her exact stats, but I know they were pretty average.

 

[travelbug73]

Are you being selfish: NO. However, do you have to resolve it: ABSOLUTELY!

I'm pursuing this med school thing and my husband is fully supportive. But, like another poster said, I keep his goals, dreams and passions in mind too. Our immigration status in the US is dependent on my keeping my current job. So, even though I could technically apply for admission to med school as an international student, I will only apply if and when we get our green card because I not only want to increase my chances of acceptance, I also do not want to mess up my husband's chance of getting a green card.
Similarly, though my husband wants me to go to the best school that I get accepted at (assuming I have multiple acceptances), I would like to go to our state school because my husband will not have to leave a job he loves and has invested a lot in, in terms of retirement. However, if it is between a full ride or a single acceptance and keeping my husband's current job, we will most likely choose the full ride or single acceptance because my husband can find a job anywhere.
These kinds of compromises are part and parcel of a marriage and can only be arrived at through dialogue and open conversations. Maybe you two should sit down and talk to one another and hash out her concerns. Is she concerned just about finances or is it something more? Is she concerned that your relationship might not be the same once you get into med school and become a doctor? Is it about trust? Is it about putting her career on hold? Is it about putting off motherhood for a long time? Are there any health issues? I mean, there are lots of things that could be bothering her. Again, conversation is the key.

Best Wishes!