Any advice would be appreciated

[screwedpremed999]

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Hello all,

I am graduating this semester, which means that I will be at home for many months before I matriculate into medical school. Unfortunately, after many discussions with my school therapist, it seems like both of my parents likely have borderline personality disorder, in which one of them is a serious alcoholic. I cannot have them officially diagnosed because they refuse to acknowledge the idea of mental health and believe that they are perfectly normal; they even refused to take the anti-depressant/anxiety medications prescribed by their physician and called my sister "a burden" after she was starting to show signs of depression. This means that I am not just at home, but rather stuck at home, becoming the target of all their behaviors and receiving constant threats. I have been in this toxic environment for my entire life, but their symptoms have been getting worse as they age and I utilized my time in college to breathe and escape from them, so coming back home now will be like going to prison.

As someone who is already extremely overwhelmed with stress from the medical school application cycle, I am not sure how I should navigate through the rest of the process where my parents are micromanaging me and exacerbating such stress. I am concerned that at some point during these 8 months, something will escalate and yield negative consequences.

I am lucky to still be able to contact my therapist through email, but I am not sure what else I can do while I am at home. I do not have a car or can see my friends without having to tell my parents the details of my trip down to the wire, so I have no privacy or no way to escape even for a little bit.

I would be grateful for any advice that is even remotely related to my situation. I am trying to maintain my own mental health, which has been in the trenches for a decade until my partner finally salvaged it, and really do not want to go back to where I was before. Thank you.

 

[RespectTheChemistry]

Is it at all possible to get a roommate so you can have your own apartment? You could also rent a room instead of an apartment to save money. It just doesn't sound like it is worth it to live with them.

Why do you need to live with them? Maybe we can work through possible solutions.

 

[TragicalDrFaust]

Have parents with similar issues. You need to figure out how to escape and have as little contact as possible, as soon as you can. You will feel like a whole new person. What’s preventing you from getting out of there now? What kind of jobs can you get?

 

[screwedpremed999]

Is it at all possible to get a roommate so you can have your own apartment? You could also rent a room instead of an apartment to save money. It just doesn't sound like it is worth it to live with them.

Why do you need to live with them? Maybe we can work through possible solutions.

I am afraid that it will be near impossible to live away from my parents, as they constantly say that "they need me" at home. I've also been strongly accused of "being disrespectful" to them for living away from home this past summer for my job, and for paying "unnecessary" rent.

I am worried that if I try to stand up for myself, I will be threatened, because that has happened to me many times and did not turn out pretty.

 

[screwedpremed999]

Have parents with similar issues. You need to figure out how to escape and have as little contact as possible, as soon as you can. You will feel like a whole new person. What’s preventing you from getting out of there now? What kind of jobs can you get?

It definitely is so, so refreshing to live a somewhat normal life with independence and dignity. As stressful as it was, I'm definitely going to miss college life, and I regret not staying the full year.
Ideally, I would live with my partner who lives in a different state (7 hour drive from where I am) and get a job or two somewhere there, but my parents are not going to allow that because it is "too expensive" and "unnecessary to live with someone I'm not serious with" (to clarify, I am in a committed relationship with my partner).

 

[LunaOri]

What do you mean, your parents “will not allow that”? Don’t let the inmates run the asylum! Move to be with your partner, and stay there until you leave for med school.

 

[Goro]

I am afraid that it will be near impossible to live away from my parents, as they constantly say that "they need me" at home.

You need to learn how to say no.

but my parents are not going to allow that because it is "too expensive" and "unnecessary to live with someone I'm not serious with"

Look, you're an adult now. YOu're old enough to vote, drive, work and pay taxes, drink, run for public office and fight and ide for your country.

You're old enough to not let them own you like a material possession, or a five year old.

 

[Lupercal]

You are an adult. You get to decide your own life. Your parents do not get to decide these things. Whether your parents allow something or not does not matter. It is not their choice and they must be made aware of that. You have to stand up for yourself.

If you do not want them to hold any authority over you, then get out of their household.

 

[MDMechEngr]

Are your parrents providing you with financial support? Will they be providing financial support during medical school? I also worry for your sister. May need to get social services involve if she is underage, but you can escape their grasp. Do you have other relatives that can help?

 

[wysdoc]

Have you been accepted to a med school? If so, moving to that city and working a job until school starts will keep you occupied and fed. Any job that will pay your rent. If you can move in with your partner the rent will be less!
Moving back "home" to an abusive home is something you don't have to do now that college is done.
I wish you the best in finding another place to live.
And you can block your parent's calls on your phone. Blessed silence!

 

[TragicalDrFaust]

It definitely is so, so refreshing to live a somewhat normal life with independence and dignity. As stressful as it was, I'm definitely going to miss college life, and I regret not staying the full year.
Ideally, I would live with my partner who lives in a different state (7 hour drive from where I am) and get a job or two somewhere there, but my parents are not going to allow that because it is "too expensive" and "unnecessary to live with someone I'm not serious with" (to clarify, I am in a committed relationship with my partner).

Do they have any leverage over you, ie paying for tuition, car, phone etc? Or something else?

For people who are questioning why OP doesn't just say no, perhaps I can lend some insight: this is language that I commonly hear in abusive situations, my own included. My mother controlled me by threatening to kick me out of the house or doing emotionally abusive things like berating me until I did what she wanted. She could be very nasty (saying I was lazy, dishonest, belonged in a psych ward - she had one picked out, unsuitable for the my career goals, not in the same league as my romantic partner, the list goes on) and I learned to do what she asked so she would stop making me feel bad about myself. I was unsure if she would really kick me out of the house but I didn't want to test it for obvious reasons.

So, perhaps like OP, I was not "allowed" to do lots of things by my parents even as a grown adult. Whatever my mother wanted me to do, I would do them because I was scared of being bullied by my mother or getting kicked out of the house. When I was living with my father, he would "accidentally" break my belongings or throw away important mail, like bills and things from my bank, if I did things he didn't like.

TLDR: Please when you all are doctors and hear grown adult talking about what they "are and aren't allowed to do", be suspicious that some kind of abusive situation is going on. Not always the case but most people I know who've been in abusive relationships have strict rules set by their abuser and talk about them in these terms. I understand it can sometimes be bewildering to someone who hasn't lived through it.

Also if anyone knows a good telehealth therapist please PM me.