anyone willing to read personal statement draft 2?

[Eagleye2]

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Hey guys, like the title says, if anyone is willing to read my 2nd draft of my personal statement, that would be greatly appreciated. Since I am on the 2nd draft now, I should probably start caring about my grammar. So the focus of the edit should be content as well as grammar. I know this is alot but I really appreciate any help and if anyone wants to just do 1 of the 2, that is fine as well.

thanks