Best time in medical process for men to start a family?

[bnichols0330]

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I know that I have seen several threads on "When's the best time to get pregnant?", but most of those have been geared toward female medical students. My wife & I are debating whether or not to start trying for our first child & I was curious what a few of you who have possibly been in this position think. I am currently a MS2 & my wife works full time at a corporate job.

Thanks for any feedback. 😕

 

[fun8stuff]

IMHO- not until they are done with training (residency and all). That is just because when I have kids, I am going to want to be around to see their first steps, etc, etc. The handful of doctors that I have talked to who had families and had kids during their training, all regreted it and wished they would have waited.

But you asked for the best time during.... I think I will leave this to be answered by someone else.

 

[iatrosB]

IMHO- not until they are done with training (residency and all). That is just because when I have kids, I am going to want to be around to see their first steps, etc, etc. The handful of doctors that I have talked to who had families and had kids during their training, all regreted it and wished they would have waited.

But you asked for the best time during.... I think I will leave this to be answered by someone else.

The doctors I have spoken to say that they had more free time in medical school than they do in private practice. Specialty should be a consideration, if you are going into neurosurgery, you will never have time after medical school. You can certainly be around for much of the child's life if you arrange your priorities so that your family is number one. A child actually provides a much needed diversion from the drudgery of medical training, if it is wanted that is. Good luck, I say do it after the third year though or before medical school (not an option for you). 👍

 

[Paws]

Third year, fourth year seems to be a good time for people, but really do it when it makes the best sense for you both. See what works time-wise, and $$ or childcare-wise. Once they're here, tho you will find it somehow just works out.

 

[tugbug]

I'm MS1 with a 1 1/2 year old. It is not too bad. I have as much time now as I would if I worked a full time job. I wouldn't want to try to 'have' a baby while in med school... but, luckily my wife did all the heavy lifting.

We were told by lots of people that any of the first four years are good for having kids. The earlier the better... because residency is NOT a good time to try to be around for 'first steps'.

 

[RaistlinMajere]

Which residencies are the best for having kids? I wouldn't base my choice on this, but it's probably going to be a factor for me.

 

[Mike59]

Which residencies are the best for having kids? I wouldn't base my choice on this, but it's probably going to be a factor for me.

It's been beaten to death in the other "lifestyle" threads, but pathology and derm are probably your best bets. 😎

 

[Pyroclast]

I know that I have seen several threads on "When's the best time to get pregnant?", but most of those have been geared toward female medical students.

Most??? 😕

 

[rpkall]

It's been beaten to death in the other "lifestyle" threads, but pathology and derm are probably your best bets. 😎

I've heard that psychiatry residency is one of the nicer lifestyle programs too.

 

[medstyle]

how would a baby affect you if you're married? You should have it as soon as possible. You'll still see your kid everyday anyway.

If you're wife is expecting you to be a diaper changing doctor, well sir, that's quite the PC relationship. Congrats on being liberated.

 

[woolie]

how would a baby affect you if you're married? You should have it as soon as possible. You'll still see your kid everyday anyway.

If you're wife is expecting you to be a diaper changing doctor, well sir, that's quite the PC relationship. Congrats on being liberated.

Are you saying that it's "unmanly" to change your own baby's diaper? that it's somehow a "woman's job" and maybe that means, somehow it's yucky?

Dude ! what century are you living in? I am in UTAH, of all places and let me tell you, as conservative as this state may be (and I don't need to tell you that Utahn's can teach conservative's how to be conservative), the guys at my school are for the most part all married and have children. And they are good, hands on dads. That means they feed their kids, change them, spend time making dinner to give their wives a break, put their kids to bed, and whatever else it takes. These guys are awesome role models for how to be good fathers.

👍

 

[tinkerbelle]

That means they feed their kids, change them, spend time making dinner to give their wives a break, put their kids to bed, and whatever else it takes. These guys are awesome role models for how to be good fathers.

note to self: move to Utah

 

[thatuvicguy]

how would a baby affect you if you're married? You should have it as soon as possible. You'll still see your kid everyday anyway.

If you're wife is expecting you to be a diaper changing doctor, well sir, that's quite the PC relationship. Congrats on being liberated.

Wow. I'm speechless. That's, um, pretty crazy that someone in 2005 still thinks that way! May you have much luck finding yourself a nice little submissive wife....

 

[medstyle]

Wow. I'm speechless. That's, um, pretty crazy that someone in 2005 still thinks that way! May you have much luck finding yourself a nice little submissive wife....

i just had a talk with my hotass profession gf. Why would anyone want to marry a ballbreaker of a wife?

Just because a woman realizes that the sexes are better suited for different things, doesn't mean we don't respect each other.

I am not going to argue this, but what does a man get from marrying a "modern woman" who doesn't know how to cook, finds it demeaning to clean anything, and wants to play parenting 101 with you your whole life? Especially since there are nice accomodating professional women out there?

 

[drmanyee999]

i just had a talk with my hotass profession gf. Why would anyone want to marry a ballbreaker of a wife?

Just because a woman realizes that the sexes are better suited for different things, doesn't mean we don't respect each other.

I am not going to argue this, but what does a man get from marrying a "modern woman" who doesn't know how to cook, finds it demeaning to clean anything, and wants to play parenting 101 with you your whole life? Especially since there are nice accomodating professional women out there?

So instead the woman should put up with a man who doesn't cook, clean etc? Come on, it's all about compromise when it comes to household chores. Plus being a woman doesn't endow you with an ability to cook or clean.

There are many inherent differences between men and women, but cooking and cleaning aren't among them.

 

[liverotcod]

Whenever you decide to start your family, I cannot overstress the importance of continuing to practice in preparation for that time. This goes for men and women alike. You don't want to arrive at that special moment and realize that you have genital atrophy.

I would suggest, at a minimum, a 40 minute workout 4 times a week.

 

[liverotcod]

...they feed their kids, change them, spend time making dinner to give their wives a break, put their kids to bed, and whatever else it takes.

Parenting is, or should be, a team effort. I can't imagine how much a parent (mother or father) would lose by not being a full participant. For example, bed time for two young children can be a chore. But it's also a great time for bonding - story telling, lullaby singing, tucking in - these are all crucial parts of how I define myself as a parent.

Household duties should also be shared. I work full time and do fewer chores, while my wife as a homemaker does most of them. She rightly envies me my job as easier with shorter hours, but still--I just don't do the dishes very often.

When I give up my job, things will change, obviously.

 

[medstyle]

So instead the woman should put up with a man who doesn't cook, clean etc? Come on, it's all about compromise when it comes to household chores. Plus being a woman doesn't endow you with an ability to cook or clean.

There are many inherent differences between men and women, but cooking and cleaning aren't among them.

i think that child rearing is one difference between the sexes. I just mentioned the other stuff as part of the "modern woman package". Its cool if that modern woman is a doctor or lawyer or something, but usually the b!tchiest women have none of those accomplishments.

Honestly, i don't remember who changed my diapers or whatever, but i do know that my mom was the one that listened to me and my dad is one to talk to when things are more "important".

I think as a working man, quality time is going to be the rule, not quantity time. I'd rather have an accomplished man as a father, who takes a little time out of his day to spend with me, then have a "house daddy" who is always around, because he won't get the same respect as a working man gets. Respect is an important part of the father child relationship i feel.

But of course, i am an anachronism and everyone modern should shed their sexual identity, get married at 38 to another single parent, kick ur kids out when their 18, and then live out the rest of your anna quindlen fantasies.

 

[pillowhead]

i just had a talk with my hotass profession gf. Why would anyone want to marry a ballbreaker of a wife?

Just because a woman realizes that the sexes are better suited for different things, doesn't mean we don't respect each other.

I am not going to argue this, but what does a man get from marrying a "modern woman" who doesn't know how to cook, finds it demeaning to clean anything, and wants to play parenting 101 with you your whole life? Especially since there are nice accomodating professional women out there?

I just had a talk with my hotass husband (yes, i have a husband who is pursuing a PhD in computer science...this is not sarcasm...i'm saying this so some individuals don't assume i have a "whipped house-husband"). Why would anyone, male or female, want to marry a lazyass spouse?

I am not going to argue this, but what does a woman get from marrying a "traditional man" who doesn't know how to cook, finds it demeaning to clean anything, and want to play parenting 101 with your whole life? Especially since there are nice accomadating and professionally accomplished men out there?

EDIT: Just so I don't have to explain later--yes, we want children. Yes, I will have my first child before 38. Considering we're both 23 right now, and we both want four children, I think we have plenty of time. Not all professional women with professional husbands wait until they're 40 to have a baby via IVF you know. Two careers and a big family aren't mutally exclusive. No, I probably won't be chief neurosurgeon at Harvard and he won't be a tenured professor at MIT by the time he is 30, but you know, we'll get we want eventually.

 

[delicatefade]

Well, it all depends on your situation so I will give you mine. I am 27 and my wife is 22. She is currently working and I am the medical student/house"wife". She graduates from school next June (at the end of my second year) - and we are planning on having our first sometime that summer/fall/winter. It seems like the perfect time for us because I will be finished with my classes and on to rotations. I realize that rotations require a great deal of time, sometimes ever more time than studying for 1st and 2nd year requires. But having been through PT school already, I remember during my rotations realizing that although I was spending more time at my rotations than I would have been in my room studying, at least when my rotations were done they were pretty much....done. There wasn't as much "extracurricular reading" so to speak. So, during my rotations I feel like I will feel more free to devote myself to my family because I won't constantly have hanging over my head the tests I have in 2-3 days. I will show up to my rotations, do well, and read when I need to outside of my time there, but otherwise I will be with my family.

 

[trauma_junky]

I know that I have seen several threads on "When's the best time to get pregnant?", but most of those have been geared toward female medical students. My wife & I are debating whether or not to start trying for our first child & I was curious what a few of you who have possibly been in this position think. I am currently a MS2 & my wife works full time at a corporate job.

Thanks for any feedback. 😕

After all of your kids have started school full time and you have a nice nest egg to keep things comfy, take the MCAT. Have a family before you start medschool. USNEWS did and article showing that people that had families then persued carreers vs those who had carreers then started families were a "better family" just my opinion.

 

[stevo23]

I am 23 right now and plan on entering medical school either fall of '06 or '07. That would make me 25 or 26 at the time. I've always wanted medicine but always wrestled with the idea of not being around for my family physically, emotionally, and mentally. Sure men don't carry the children for 9 months, but you can't assume that your spouse will stay home with them, and quite honestly I want to be there too. It's not a one person job, and if you want to have kids, you have to assume as much responsibility as your wife. Ive always wanted to coach my children in athletics and not be zoning out about work when I'm spending time with them. Perhaps some people are just better at this than others. I think that med school is a better time to have kids so they are a little older during residency and maybe SLIGHTLY less work. I know I'm very naive. Any other thoughts on this? Am I setting myself up for failure or disappointment with my family life by going into medicine? Any thoughts from current med school or doctor dads that feel the way I do would be greatly appreciated. In a nutshell, medicine isn't everything to me. Nothing is worth the sacrifice of family and personal relationships with them.

 

[CambieMD]

I am 23 right now and plan on entering medical school either fall of '06 or '07. That would make me 25 or 26 at the time. I've always wanted medicine but always wrestled with the idea of not being around for my family physically, emotionally, and mentally. Sure men don't carry the children for 9 months, but you can't assume that your spouse will stay home with them, and quite honestly I want to be there too. It's not a one person job, and if you want to have kids, you have to assume as much responsibility as your wife. Ive always wanted to coach my children in athletics and not be zoning out about work when I'm spending time with them. Perhaps some people are just better at this than others. I think that med school is a better time to have kids so they are a little older during residency and maybe SLIGHTLY less work. I know I'm very naive. Any other thoughts on this? Am I setting myself up for failure or disappointment with my family life by going into medicine? Any thoughts from current med school or doctor dads that feel the way I do would be greatly appreciated. In a nutshell, medicine isn't everything to me. Nothing is worth the sacrifice of family and personal relationships with them.

you should wait until you have at least completed the first two years of med school before you start a family. After the third year would be best. There is no rush. I have two kids. Put the thought of kids on the back burner for now.

CambieMD

 

[patzan]

you should wait until you have at least completed the first two years of med school before you start a family. After the third year would be best. There is no rush. I have two kids. Put the thought of kids on the back burner for now.

CambieMD

I disagree. I have several friends in med school now with 1-3 kids (all first and second years) and they do fine and have great relationships with their kids and wives. Many MDs I talk to say that they have less time in practice and residency than they did in med school (mentioned earlier). If your family is going to be your top priority, it won't matter whether you are in med school, residency, or practice. If you are waiting until you'll have enough time, it'll never come.

PS- six weeks until my baby girl will be here!

 

[Mutt]

I disagree. I have several friends in med school now with 1-3 kids (all first and second years) and they do fine and have great relationships with their kids and wives.

Yes, but this is not the norm by any means. You and your friends are Mormon, so there is an entirely different aspect to these examples that is removed from the majority of med. student parents.

 

[CambieMD]

Yes, but this is not the norm by any means. You and your friends are Mormon, so there is an entirely different aspect to these examples that is removed from the majority of med. student parents.

Again, there is no rush for a 26 year old to start a family. I have a four month old. Fatigue is a fator among other things. I help with feedings, changing the whole nine yards. Some students can learn everything that they need in lecture. They do not have to do much outside of the classroom. These folk can work ,party and have lots of babies while in med school.

There is no concrete rule. You have to do what is best for you. I know that I am repeating myself but kids can wait. Being a med student will be your full time job. There will not be room for much more. In life you want to stack the cards in your favor. Kids take time to get to know and really enjoy.


CambieMD

 

[MJB]

I'm 28 (29 very soon) and hoping to enter Med school at 32...no kids yet...and not sure when we might try...

If I was in undergrad and entering med school at the age of 25 or so or younger, I'd probably just wait until after residency..but that's me..

 

[liverotcod]

Yes, but this is not the norm by any means. You and your friends are Mormon, so there is an entirely different aspect to these examples that is removed from the majority of med. student parents.

I'm not disagreeing, but am curious about what you think this "different aspect" consists of.

 

[Tiagao]

I am 26 and plan on entering med school '06. My wife and I have 3 children between the ages of 4 and 2 months. I know people are thinking 😱 , right? It isn't easy, but some important things help to get us through.

To the OP here are some things that keep my family strong even though our time together is limited:

1)School and work stay away from the kids. If I have to study at home it is before they get up or after they go to sleep.

2)Home is a Happy place for everyone. This often requires much effort, but the kids know when something is wrong.

3)My wife and I are equal partners in the stakes of my education and the rearing of our children. If she can copy notes for me great, and likewise for me regarding dinner, dishes, diapers.

4)Family night once a week.

5)One on one with each child at least once a week.

6)Date night. When my children see that my wife and I dedicate time to each other they are more respectful of each of us individually.

I am sure that when the time is right you will know, and when the little one arrives you'll not be able to imagine life without him/her.

 

[MoosePilot]

I'm not disagreeing, but am curious about what you think this "different aspect" consists of.

From my experience around Mormons, mostly in the Air Force, I think many of them have different priorities. I think that's the difference, is just plain different priorities. Generally they value religion, family, and then work. That seems to be it. They're always working towards one of those things. To me it seems to be a powerful way to live and if I didn't completely theologically disagree with them, I would pursue becoming a Mormon.

 

[Mutt]

I'm not disagreeing, but am curious about what you think this "different aspect" consists of.

The poster above hit it.
The OP was looking for advice on when the best time to start a family. If your main priority is to begin a family ASAP, then you'll do it ASAP - regardless of the implications of being in med. school so the perspective and example is too skewed to be a viable reference.

 

[funshine]

Hey,

Not to change the subject, but at what age did most of you guys marry and decide you were mature enough to start a family? How did you meet your future spouses? Most guys I know and dated from college are super-ambitious high-achievers who have no desire to start a family in the near future. I never used to mind, and in fact disapproved of the few friends who were already engaged to be married right after graduation. I thought they were settling down too fast before they could really discover what "life was all about" and figure out their self-identity. I see now that I was being naive and there is really not all that much to discover. Picturing the next decade or so of my life, is starting to make me worried, and I'm certain I want to have a family before I'm 30. I'm only 21 right now, but after 4 years in med school, then 2+ years residency (right?) I'll be 26+ and it's entirely possible there will be no potential father in the picture, given all the over-achievers I know who will be in med school.

I am totally interested in the over-achiever type guys mentioned in bold statement above; however, I've come to realize that there is no way I can marry one the same age as I, because at the time I plan to be married and w/ kids (mid 20s) they will likely not be even pursuing serious relationships. My question is, when will they finally decide to settle down (so I can target my charms towards that particular age group 🙂

Or are they a lost cause? Maybe high-achieving guys and girls don't make the best married couples/parents anyway.

Oh, and I'm sure there are certain med school where students are notorious for being over-achievers and the academic environment makes relationships especially difficult to foster. Anyone have input on this? I have one friend each at Baylor, UMich, and Case, and from what they tell me, long-term coupling that leads to marriage is the rare exception.

 

[Mutt]

I see now that I was being naive and there is really not all that much to discover..... I'm only 21 right now...

Are you sure you're still not naive?

 

[funshine]

Are you sure you're still not naive?

Maybe.
Maybe you could also try answering my question. being witty & being helpful are not mutually exclusive! 🙄

 

[Mutt]

Hey,

Not to change the subject, but at what age did most of you guys marry and decide you were mature enough to start a family? How did you meet your future spouses? Most guys I know and dated from college are super-ambitious high-achievers who have no desire to start a family in the near future. I never used to mind, and in fact disapproved of the few friends who were already engaged to be married right after graduation. I thought they were settling down too fast before they could really discover what "life was all about" and figure out their self-identity. I see now that I was being naive and there is really not all that much to discover. Picturing the next decade or so of my life, is starting to make me worried, and I'm certain I want to have a family before I'm 30. I'm only 21 right now, but after 4 years in med school, then 2+ years residency (right?) I'll be 26+ and it's entirely possible there will be no potential father in the picture, given all the over-achievers I know who will be in med school.

I am totally interested in the over-achiever type guys mentioned in bold statement above; however, I've come to realize that there is no way I can marry one the same age as I, because at the time I plan to be married and w/ kids (mid 20s) they will likely not be even pursuing serious relationships. My question is, when will they finally decide to settle down (so I can target my charms towards that particular age group 🙂

Or are they a lost cause? Maybe high-achieving guys and girls don't make the best married couples/parents anyway.

Oh, and I'm sure there are certain med school where students are notorious for being over-achievers and the academic environment makes relationships especially difficult to foster. Anyone have input on this? I have one friend each at Baylor, UMich, and Case, and from what they tell me, long-term coupling that leads to marriage is the rare exception.

Of course, there is way more than this that goes into a relationship, but just for the fun of the exchange, let's go with something unrealistically simple. In all honesty, you're not going to find it too tough to find this kind of guy, depending on the kind of person you are.
I'm going to equate your term "over/high-achiever" with "male med. student"....Every male in med. school suddenly has his "market value" shoot up a few levels just by virtue of his trajectory. Since you are looking for an age group to "target" so that you can find someone to lock down for the rest of their life, you're probably going to have to compromise if you're looking for something long term (i.e. most good looking guys in med. school were already playing the field beforehand and will be playing on a greener field as a med. student., only but a rare exception will be looking to settle down any time soon, if ever). I've only know two couples wherein both parties were high-achievers (both physicians), and the wives were the ones that had to work part-time to take care of the kids (income vs. time).

If you're really set on having a family and settling down by your mid-20's being a physician may not be the best way to go because you aren't going to be home much to enjoy eachother or the family at that age (i.e residency, etc.)

 

[sparky5]

Hey,

Not to change the subject, but at what age did most of you guys marry and decide you were mature enough to start a family? How did you meet your future spouses?

I'm 23 and almost got engaged to someone I met in my year off from med school, who was 33. I am told that I sometimes am a little more mature for my age (last 3 girls I have been with were 28,33,29yo). Hopefully things will work out and we will get in engaged sometime soon, but who knows in this crazy world.

 

[MJB]

I would say most guys "grow up" for the most part about 23-25...but my experience is only with those who go straight to work, Law, or Dental school after undergrad..

Got married at 26. Lived with her for 2.5 years or so before that.

I always thought if I didn't have kids by 25, I wouldn't....but now I'm not worried about having them before 35 if it doesn't happen...not a priority for me right now as a 28 year old...nearly 29.

 

[CambieMD]

I would say most guys "grow up" for the most part about 23-25...but my experience is only with those who go straight to work, Law, or Dental school after undergrad..

Got married at 26. Lived with her for 2.5 years or so before that.

I always thought if I didn't have kids by 25, I wouldn't....but now I'm not worried about having them before 35 if it doesn't happen...not a priority for me right now as a 28 year old...nearly 29.

I would say that most men grow up by age 30. I was thirty -one when I got married. That was a few moons ago. Many of my friends who got married in their twenties were divorced or seperated when I got married. Some are on their second marriage. Men are usually not ready to take on a wife in their early twenties. Statistics reflect my observations. If you combine no money with youth you have more difficulty. I got married after I completed medical school. that worked well because I was employed at the time. Having a job usually helps. Everyones' situation is different. We have to do what is best for them. These are difficult issues to work through.


CambieMD

 

[irlandesa]

Which residencies are the best for having kids? I wouldn't base my choice on this, but it's probably going to be a factor for me.

I'd go with IM, FP, or Peds. Some programs (like UMass for IM and FP, and Lancaster General FP in PA) offer part-time shared residency positions so that interested residents can extend their 3-year program to 4 years and spend time with their babies..

Of the 5 ladies in my class who are/were pregnant this year, 4 are deferring residency for a year to spend time with their kids, and the other gave birth in February when she was all done with courses so she has some time with her baby. Another had a baby last year (3rd year) and arranged her schedule to take 3 months off after her daughter was born, and her husband, who has a more "laid back" job, was home for a long while after that. quite a few of the male med students in my class had wives who gave birth this year as well.. I think 4th year or nearing the end of residency would work best, particularly the former.