Boyfriend Studying for NBME Step 1

[thatgirl2017]

Hey there,
So I started dating a guy at school in May (I'm finishing up my 1st year, he's finishing his 2nd) and we're both highly motivated. He's definitely going for OS and I'm definitely going for ortho. Our relationship progressed SO quickly but it was WONDERFUL. We would spend 3-4 nights a week together, just hanging out or studying. He told me he loved me after a month. I love him so much too!

After a month or two he started really worrying about his boards (Both NBME and NBDE) and started talking to me less frequently. I would ask what was up and he would just say that he's really stressed and just needs to study more. Totally got it. After a period of time though it was getting really frustrating. Where the hell was my boyfriend? He'd never text me and I was always the one to ask him if he wanted to hang out on the weekends. (Side note, this kid as an autoimmune disorder that picks up when he's stressed which makes his whole GI tract go nuts...I feel so bad for him...) So one saturday I was in the library and asked if he wanted to study and he said that "he needs to deal with some stuff." Turns out that his autoimmune condition was back up and he was stressing big time about finals. I kinda freaked out and asked if I could help bring him fluids or anything and his response was, "Might need to put things on hold between us until these exams are over. I need uninterrupted (his name) time." I felt totally crushed but I knew that he was stressed so I agreed.

I didn't see him at school the next couple of days and got worried that he was really sick. I reached out and offered some of my anti anxiety drugs to help him cope and he graciously refused. I then asked him if I was waiting for him or if I should start moving on and he didn't respond!

I waited a few more days and told him I got a position I interviewed for at school that he was really excited about and he texted me back almost instantly with "Congratulations! Never doubted you!" It seemed like we were back on track (assuming the track was that we were still dating but weren't going to see each other until his exams were done...ugh).

His birthday was a week ago. Originally we had big fancy dinner plans but I cancelled them so that he would have more time to study. I ended up putting together a REALLY nice care package (like $500 worth of goodies and a homemade pie) and dropped it off at his door with a nice note. He texted me back a few hours later. He was so sweet and thankful for the gift that it felt like I was talking to the man I fell in love with. I asked if I could see him that night but he had plans with his family. He's going back home to take his med boards (3000 miles away) but he said that he would definitely see me before he left. I asked him the next day if it was a good day but he said he was busy. I asked him when I could see him and he said saturday. On saturday I asked him what the plan was and his response was "My plan is to study all day, I don't have time for the rest of this stuff."

His boards are this saturday and I'm just so confused and crushed. It's been SO hard to concentrate on my own finals. Are we still together? Is he going to come back? We have a 2 week break starting on monday and he'll be back home for all of that and then he still has to take his dental boards. Should I wait until the end of september for him? It just sucks so bad....

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[Digitalangel]

Umm, well I'm not in dental school but I do get really stressed out around tests and finals and kinda cut my bf off. Not completely, I will still go over and just study in the other room. Maybe he doesnt really know how to handle his stress? You might need to leave him alone for a while, but if you love him that might not really be an option. Maybe just tell him you are there for him from a distance? Or maybe try to get him to seriously talk about the relationship during school, and whether he can handle both or not, and go from there

 

[arkenstone]

I can't know what's going on in his mind -- probably a lot is going on, maybe complicated feelings, changing feelings, actually just being busy, etc.

But we do know what's going on in your mind -- cause you just told us. Sounds like you care a lot -- to the point now that you're keeping things to yourself because you're scared. And I don't discount your feelings (been there, done that -- my relationships usually progress to 'living together' within the first month) . . .

. . . and the most undisputed fact is that you guys aren't communicating or collaborating on this. And by asking us instead it appears you're wondering if you've done something wrong or if you could do something better. You shouldn't necessarily assume it's your fault and hold back -- it's the relationship's fault. You've shown your instincts on assisting him during a stressful period, and you obviously desire more communication or even attention. That's just who you are. Next week after his boards, share your stress over this issue with him. Why? Because you're stressed. If he gives you what you want, that's good. If he doesn't, that's more information for you to make decisions.

What if he doesn't want your stress? Well, that's fair and you should know. What if he DOES care for you but just won't have the tools to convey it or give you the reassuring energy you want? Again, that's nobody's fault and you should know. What if he actually is just wrapped up in his dream right now and in super-focus mode? Again, etc. etc.

You shouldn't try withhold yourself and attempt to triangulate what's going with him. The stress will keep building for you. And while this may actually just be a really stressful time for the relationship that will pass, don't give in to that reasoning too much. The stress doesn't go away in life; it piles on till the day you die. This makes dental school an invaluable stress test. Couples should be able to handle this stress together and get energy from each other (to whatever point each person needs, and everyone's different).

It's too bad our feelings move so much more quickly than learning those other things about people -- can you help each other, collaborate, grow separately and together . . . I should say that I'm basically giving all the advice I should be taking in my own life.

Share your stress with him after his challenges are over. If you keep things like this to yourself your batteries won't have the juice for school.