bringing spouse to resident dinner the night before

[omentum]

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Hi everyone,

I was wondering what you guys thought about bringing spouses to the pre-interview dinner with the residents. Outside of someone's spouse being really obnoxious or rude, can this backfire in any way? I was planning to take my spouse to the dinners but am worried that it would somehow negatively affect me since the program might think my being married means I would try to get out of work early, take sick leave to take care of my spouse, etc etc. Am I just paranoid?

 

[armybound]

I dunno. My wife is going to come with me a couple of places so she can meet with some friends/other people, but she's not going to go to the pre-interview dinners with me. Saw no real benefit to it, so we decided it's best not to.

 

[omentum]

I dunno. My wife is going to come with me a couple of places so she can meet with some friends/other people, but she's not going to go to the pre-interview dinners with me. Saw no real benefit to it, so we decided it's best not to.

The possible benefits i spoke about with my wife are (1) spouse can also evaluate the people/program and give feedback when ranking places, especially anything remarkable or any red flags, but also the general feel, and (2) it might somehow vouch for me (the applicant) or show me in a better and more stable light i.e. "if there's someone else that can tolerate a lifetime with him, maybe he's a decent person."

 

[Squints2001]

Spouse here - there have been a couple programs that specifically invited spouses, but most haven't. I figured it was overstepping to bring a party crasher, if I wasn't invited.

 

[omentum]

Spouse here - there have been a couple programs that specifically invited spouses, but most haven't. I figured it was overstepping to bring a party crasher, if I wasn't invited.

Thanks for your reply. I'm asking about those programs that do invite spouses. Have you guys made a decision whether or not you'll attend? And whichever way you decided, what was your thinking?

 

[septoplasty]

The possible benefits i spoke about with my wife are (1) spouse can also evaluate the people/program and give feedback when ranking places, especially anything remarkable or any red flags, but also the general feel, and (2) it might somehow vouch for me (the applicant) or show me in a better and more stable light i.e. "if there's someone else that can tolerate a lifetime with him, maybe he's a decent person."

Lol. 👍

 

[Squints2001]

Thanks for your reply. I'm asking about those programs that do invite spouses. Have you guys made a decision whether or not you'll attend? And whichever way you decided, what was your thinking?

Sorry, I misunderstood. The only ones so far with invites are out of town and midweek, so I'm not taking the time off from work to attend. If it was convenient for me to attend, I'd do so. As you mentioned earlier, so I can get impressions as well and so forth.

 

[Law2Doc]

This question gets asked every few months -- do a search. While you are allowed to bring a spouse it's not always wise. It depends a lot on the spouse. This is really part of the interview and you will be evaluated. You generally want to control as much of the interview process as you can, and bringing another person can add a wildcard element. It can go badly two ways. One, they might not hit it off with your spouse. Or they can feel your spouse outshines you and makes you seem like a dud in comparison. I think folks need to think long and hard about the strategic wisdom of bringing your spouse along, taking into account their spouses strengths and their own weaknesses. I've seen this not be a wise game plan.

 

[DrBowtie]

This question gets asked every few months -- do a search. While you are allowed to bring a spouse it's not always wise. It depends a lot on the spouse. This is really part of the interview and you will be evaluated. You generally want to control as much of the interview process as you can, and bringing another person can add a wildcard element. It can go badly two ways. One, they might not hit it off with your spouse. Or they can feel your spouse outshines you and makes you seem like a dud in comparison. I think folks need to think long and hard about the strategic wisdom of bringing your spouse along, taking into account their spouses strengths and their own weaknesses. I've seen this not be a wise game plan.

Agree, adding another variable is not worth it.

 

[peppy]

All I can speak for is my program. Here, there is no mind game or secret meaning behind the invitation to bring your spouse. The spouses are invited simply in the same way that we'd invite your spouse to the Christmas party. I suspect that those places that explicitly welcome spouses to the dinner probably tend to be more family-friendly (I know that I'd say that my program is quite family-friendly).

If your spouse is extremely socially awkward or insane, and therefore would create some bizarre scene at the dinner, sure, it would probably be mentioned to the program director, but if the spouse can act like a normal, friendly person then we'd welcome their presence and nobody would bother to report back to the program director about if you had a guest with you or not. (The only people who go to the dinners here are residents, and nobody ever asks us if any particular applicant brought a guest).

 

[blue2000]

When I was a resident, our social event the night before included spouses, both for the residents and the candidates. For the program, it made us look more "normal" similar to poster above -- look! These surgery residents are able to maintain relationships with people, both in and out of medicine. I think it actually made it more relaxed and probably less dog and pony show -- I'm sure my husband, while always acting appropriately and not slamming the program, didn't give as whitewashed of a picture as resident might with pressure from a PD. Spouses of candidates were also generally well recieved. I do remember the husband of a candidate who got spectacularly drunk and loud. That probably didn't help her in the rank list, as we were all discussing it the next morning.

 

[EMCoord]

I agree with Peppy. In our program spouses are invited and welcome and we encourage spouses of current residents to attend as well. That way you and your spouse can also get perspective on the residency from another spouse. I have never heard of a spouse in attendance causing the applicant to be looked on unfavorably.

 

[EMmotherhen]

We invite spouses and hope you will bring them. They're going to be living here, too, and should have an opinion as to how they liked the city. My residents attending the dinner bring spouses and I think it gives them a chance to talk about life married to a resident.

 

[Doctor Bagel]

We're atypical for my field in that we don't invite spouses, but I'm guessing the reason for that is financial more than anything else. I think it's perfectly OK to bring your spouse if he/she is invited, and you both want to go. If your spouse is a perfectly nice, normal person who doesn't get wasted, it should be OK. Remember you're trying to find where you want to go as well.

 

[inmyslumber]

It is a bad idea to bring spouse. You are being judged and adding a spouse just confuses matters. You may not realize that others may think your spouse is not quite as normal as you perceive him/her. Just go alone, get to know the residents, and be yourself.

 

[C5toC9]

What about folks who are not married? Is it still appropriate to bring long-term relationships to the dinners?

 

[dude1344]

What about folks who are not married? Is it still appropriate to bring long-term relationships to the dinners?

I'd say only spouses and perhaps fiances are appropriate.

 

[Olenadr]

I'd say only spouses and perhaps fiances are appropriate.

I agree because for starters, how would you introduce them, "this is my long term gf/bf?"😕 I imagine the residents later may chuckle about that, or something...

 

[C5toC9]

I didn't think it would be that weird. There are probably lots of applicants who are in stable relationships going into the match but are not yet engaged/married.

 

[blue2000]

I think anyone who is going to potentially relocate with you is invited. (Unless you're really weird and your mom is going to move with you)/

 

[peppy]

I agree because for starters, how would you introduce them, "this is my long term gf/bf?"😕 I imagine the residents later may chuckle about that, or something...

"Significant other" or "partner" works. 👍

 

[peppy]

I think anyone who is going to potentially relocate with you is invited. (Unless you're really weird and your mom is going to move with you)/

That is my view as well. I brought my long term partner to the dinner at the place I matched at, and they still ranked me. 🙂

 

[NotAProgDirector]

I think anyone who is going to potentially relocate with you is invited. (Unless you're really weird and your mom is going to move with you)/

Somebody brought their Mom once. Not a good idea.

 

[RainerMaria]

How about cat on a leash

 

[ShyRem]

we invite applicants to bring spouses (and many brought fiance's). Residents also bring an occasional spouse so there is someone to talk about "the other side" with.

Personally, my family had a big say in where I applied. If they weren't going to be happy, neither was I. I had to have a happy family at home to survive residency. And any place that didn't think the same way wasn't going to be the right place for me. Also in that same vein, however, my spouse didn't attend a single interview day/dinner. He was busy working and at home with the kids.

 

[killerleaf]

We invite spouses/significant others to the dinners. They are attended by our residents, and their families...so yeah, children are welcome, also. Yes, we have occasionally not ranked someone highly because of the behavior of their spouse at the dinner; but it is much more common to not rank someone highly because of their OWN behavior at the dinner! Seriously, can't you just let the phone go? for about an hour?