Chemical reactions: TA crush

[realmeaning]

So I feel kind stupid for writing this, but it's the internet and I'm anonymous, SO:

I have a thing for my TA.
I think he's into me too.

Two things:

1) I can't go to him for academic help even though he's the best source, because I simply can't concentrate when he's around and we often end up alone and I start having heart palpitations. I'm scared ****less that my grade is going to suffer.

2) I don't want him to lose interest because I'm not flirting back. However, getting involved during the semester is not an option for me. How could I put this on "hold" for a month without shutting it down completely? Should I even pursue it at afterwards?

Other facts:
So far I've been formal (perhaps strangely so) with him.
There's a small chance (1/6 or so) that he will be my TA this fall as well.
Either way, I will be seeing him a lot for the next academic year (similar schedules).
I'm not looking for a hookup.

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[MedPR]

So I feel kind stupid for writing this, but it's the internet and I'm anonymous, SO:

I have a thing for my TA.
I think he's into me too.

Two things:

1) I can't go to him for academic help even though he's the best source, because I simply can't concentrate when he's around and we often end up alone and I start having heart palpitations. I'm scared ****less that my grade is going to suffer.

2) I don't want him to lose interest because I'm not flirting back. However, getting involved during the semester is not an option for me. How could I put this on "hold" for a month without shutting it down completely? Should I even pursue it at afterwards?

Other facts:
So far I've been formal (perhaps strangely so) with him.
There's a small chance (1/6 or so) that he will be my TA this fall as well.
Either way, I will be seeing him a lot for the next academic year (similar schedules).
I'm not looking for a hookup.

Can't you ask another TA?

 

[realmeaning]

Yup, I am. The other TA is not as knowledgeable about my section, but still a great help.

 

[deleted382095]

some opportunities only come once in a lifetime 😉

 

[yessirMD]

Can you post a picture of yourself? Thanks

 

[augeremt]

This reminds me of my Gen Chem TA! When I handed in my final exam to him, he handed me his number.

Just remain friendly and chat with him to retain interest, but obviously don't take it to the next level until you're done with the class. If you're really into him and the course is over, why not pursue it?

 

[realmeaning]

some opportunities only come once in a lifetime 😉

Haha, I'm assuming you're referring to fulfilling the age old teacher-student fantasy, not mastering reaction rates?

Augeremt-- That is straight up cinematic. Did you call him?

 

[MedWonk]

So I feel kind stupid for writing this, but it's the internet and I'm anonymous, SO:

I have a thing for my TA.
I think he's into me too.

Two things:

1) I can't go to him for academic help even though he's the best source, because I simply can't concentrate when he's around and we often end up alone and I start having heart palpitations. I'm scared ****less that my grade is going to suffer.

2) I don't want him to lose interest because I'm not flirting back. However, getting involved during the semester is not an option for me. How could I put this on "hold" for a month without shutting it down completely? Should I even pursue it at afterwards?

Other facts:
So far I've been formal (perhaps strangely so) with him.
There's a small chance (1/6 or so) that he will be my TA this fall as well.
Either way, I will be seeing him a lot for the next academic year (similar schedules).
I'm not looking for a hookup.

Personally, I would wait until the entire course is over.

The other option is to be discreet. Of course, be mindful that if it doesn't work out, it could make your experience in the course less than pleasant.

 

[TriagePreMed]

Am I the only one in disbelief that this is a real thread? Don't you have some friends on facebook? Ask them about your boy problems.

 

[wholeheartedly]

I know one of my classmates started dating a former TA as soon as the semester was over with.

I had a my gen chem TA anonymously email me that he had the hots for me. It took him over a year to admit who he was. Surprised the hell out of me because he seemed like a shy nice guy, only to find out he was trying to hit on me while living with his girlfriend... 🙄🙁

Whatever you do wait until he isn't your TA anymore. I think most graduate assistant handbooks talk about appropriate boundaries and all that.

 

[realmeaning]

Thanks for the advice everyone. Interesting to know this happens far more often than I had thought! Should I wait until I know for sure he won't be my orgo TA in the fall? Also, he's an undergrad, FYI.

And to TriagePreMed: No, I don't have any friends, which is why I'm on SDN. Haha.

 

[QofQuimica]

Am I the only one in disbelief that this is a real thread?

We get these threads in the Gen Res forum all the time. I'm guessing the OP hasn't had a ton of dating experience.

OP, the answer to your question is that no, you should not date someone who is supervising you, especially if they're in a position to evaluate you. That goes for UGs with their TA, medical students with their supervising resident or attending, residents with their supervising attending or program director, attendings with their department chair, employees with their manager or boss, and any other example where there is an unequal balance of power involving evaluation of one party by the other. Your school may may even have an official policy forbidding this type of dating, but whether they do or don't is irrelevant. *You* shouldn't do it because it's a stupid thing to do, and *he* shouldn't do it because this kind of abuse of power is unethical.

Once you are no longer in a supervisor/supervisee relationship, you still run the risk of becoming fodder for the department rumor mill if you date him. For that reason, I'd argue that it's probably still stupid to date him because your school life could become pretty uncomfortable if things don't go well. But it's not unethical for him to date you once he will definitely no longer be supervising you, and there's no law against you doing something that's probably going to be obviously stupid in retrospect. Hey, we've all had relationships where we look back later and go, WTF was I thinking.

 

[HoltMD]

We get these threads in the Gen Res forum all the time. I'm guessing the OP hasn't had a ton of dating experience.

OP, the answer to your question is that no, you should not date someone who is supervising you, especially if they're in a position to evaluate you. That goes for UGs with their TA, medical students with their supervising resident or attending, residents with their supervising attending or program director, attendings with their department chair, employees with their manager or boss, and any other example where there is an unequal balance of power involving evaluation of one party by the other. Your school may may even have an official policy forbidding this type of dating, but whether they do or don't is irrelevant. *You* shouldn't do it because it's a stupid thing to do, and *he* shouldn't do it because this kind of abuse of power is unethical.

Once you are no longer in a supervisor/supervisee relationship, you still run the risk of becoming fodder for the department rumor mill if you date him. For that reason, I'd argue that it's probably still stupid to date him because your school life could become pretty uncomfortable if things don't go well. But it's not unethical for him to date you once he will definitely no longer be supervising you, and there's no law against you doing something that's probably going to be obviously stupid in retrospect. Hey, we've all had relationships where we look back later and go, WTF was I thinking.

Great advice, wise one. I dated a TA, it didn't end too well. I was 18 and he was 30. He stalked me day and night. lol He didn't trust me around other boys because he thought I was going to hookup with boys my own age. Just a very jealous type. Since he was well connected to faculty members, it didn't help me at all. Made a mistake again by dating a professor for a year while I was a sophomore. It was fun and sexy dating a married man but it wasn't fun and sexy anymore when he started talking about leaving his wife and marrying me. It got weird pretty fast. So, I hope OP doesn't follow through with this crush. Not a good idea!

 

[susan10]

Sorry i don't really have a suggestion/advice, but i have to say- This is just cute! 😀

 

[Cinclus]

Definitely hold off on any serious flirting and any dating until he's no longer your TA. It's a big no-no for TAs to be romantically involved with students. Having gotten that out of the way, I would like to share that I've been in a relationship for 3 years now with a guy who was once my TA (I developed a crush on him when he was my TA). We became friends after the course was over, and eventually something more. He will be moving out of state with me next week to begin his new job in the city where I will attend med school. 🙂

 

[GraMaire]

As a chem TA... Just no.

It is always really uncomfortable for me when my male students flirt or tease. One flat out asked if I had a boyfriend. It is not okay by any means.

It is also hard when a male student wants one on one help and I am not sure if he wants the chem help or alone time... It is a fine line to be available and helpful to your students without being inappropriate.

I wont even accept fb friend requests until I am not the TA anymore.

 

[deleted382095]

As a chem TA... Just no.

It is always really uncomfortable for me when my male students flirt or tease. One flat out asked if I had a boyfriend. It is not okay by any means.

It is also hard when a male student wants one on one help and I am not sure if he wants the chem help or alone time... It is a fine line to be available and helpful to your students without being inappropriate.

I wont even accept fb friend requests until I am not the TA anymore.

as a chem TA....

I've had students hitting on me before, and I thought it wasn't a big deal 😀 But yeah, I don't accept FB friend requests until the semester is over.

 

[augeremt]

Haha, I'm assuming you're referring to fulfilling the age old teacher-student fantasy, not mastering reaction rates?

Augeremt-- That is straight up cinematic. Did you call him?

Yup. We grabbed a few beers and are still friends, nothing more than that though. He was also my lab TA so we hung out a lot during the semester and had a lot in common. Good times.

 

[realmeaning]

Thanks for the advice everyone. And no, I haven't had a lot of dating experience (most people I know didn't really "date" in college-- it was like hooking up or being in a super serious relationship). As I stated in my original post, I definitely wouldn't consider pursuing anything (flirting or more) during the semester. I'm still weighing if I do want to pursue something afterwards, especially because the chem department is VERY intimate at my school, and yeah, things could go south real fast if it weren't to work out. Who knows.

I have a chem exam tomorrow so I'm fortunately distracted from tales of love and loss. Thanks again for your stories!

 

[GraMaire]

as a chem TA....

I've had students hitting on me before, and I thought it wasn't a big deal 😀 But yeah, I don't accept FB friend requests until the semester is over.

Hahaha

 

[nirvikalpa]

Great advice, wise one. I dated a TA, it didn't end too well. I was 18 and he was 30. He stalked me day and night. lol He didn't trust me around other boys because he thought I was going to hookup with boys my own age. Just a very jealous type. Since he was well connected to faculty members, it didn't help me at all. Made a mistake again by dating a professor for a year while I was a sophomore. It was fun and sexy dating a married man but it wasn't fun and sexy anymore when he started talking about leaving his wife and marrying me. It got weird pretty fast. So, I hope OP doesn't follow through with this crush. Not a good idea!

Perhaps when you're older and married you will be lucky enough to have your husband do the same to you 🙂

 

[rguil15]

Perhaps when you're older and married you will be lucky enough to have your husband do the same to you 🙂

Maybe a little harsh but yeah, seriously, wtf... 👎

 

[HoltMD]

Perhaps when you're older and married you will be lucky enough to have your husband do the same to you 🙂

Oh please! Now, get off your high horse. 😀 Why would someone cheat on me? Men love me!!!

 

[NightGod]

Oh please! Now, get off your high horse. 😀 Why would someone cheat on me? Men love me!!!

Note to self: become a TA, get women.

 

[rguil15]

N/m

 

[Abider]

Note to self: become a TA, get women.

Seriously.

This is thread is perhaps useful from women to women. Where prudence in mate selection particularly as it occurs in the initial phase has a fighting chance of being an operative principle.

But for anyone whose been unblessed enough to be under the influence of intoxicating woman smells with serious wood to contend with. Prudence is poppycock.

Dudes will straight go to jail under such influences. Email pic's of their wang to interns. Sacrifice entire political careers.

Comic Joe Rogan paints the picture poignantly as such:

Your mind (under these influences) is way at the back seat of a bus. While your penis is driving. Angrily, aimlessly. In full blown Tourette's. Driving like a bat out of hell across town at 3 AM to see about some girl you don't even like on the off chance of getting some. Even though you have to be at work at 6 AM.

If you think, as a woman, you're coming from a similar place, then please, advise away on the prudence of what to do as if it was universal and unisex to do so.

Otherwise here some advice to a male in a similar situation as the OP. Imagine she's your sister. Picture in detail that she's underage, and your new cell mate is REALLY glad you arrived. Have a ready made denial story. Never change it. Under any circumstances. , Go work out really hard until your exhausted, hopefully she changes her mind. Etc, along these lines.

 

[HoltMD]

Seriously.

This is thread is perhaps useful from women to women. Where prudence in mate selection particularly as it occurs in the initial phase has a fighting chance of being an operative principle.

But for anyone whose been unblessed enough to be under the influence of intoxicating woman smells with serious wood to contend with. Prudence is poppycock.

Dudes will straight go to jail under such influences. Email pic's of their wang to interns. Sacrifice entire political careers.

Comic Joe Rogan paints the picture poignantly as such:

Your mind (under these influences) is way at the back seat of a bus. While your penis is driving. Angrily, aimlessly. In full blown Tourette's. Driving like a bat out of hell across town at 3 AM to see about some girl you don't even like on the off chance of getting some. Even though you have to be at work at 6 AM.

If you think, as a woman, you're coming from a similar place, then please, advise away on the prudence of what to do as if it was universal and unisex to do so.

Otherwise here some advice to a male in a similar situation as the OP. Imagine she's your sister. Picture in detail that she's underage, and your new cell mate is REALLY glad you arrived. Have a ready made denial story. Never change it. Under any circumstances. , Go work out really hard until your exhausted, hopefully she changes her mind. Etc, along these lines.

😱 Which med school you go to? They must have some good mushrooms there.

 

[Abider]

😱 Which med school you go to? They must have some good mushrooms there.

Trust me. What you consider psychedelic, makes perfectly reasonable, metaphoric sense to a dude. Which was my point.

 

[NightGod]

😱 Which med school you go to? They must have some good mushrooms there.

Trust me. What you consider psychedelic, makes perfectly reasonable, metaphoric sense to a dude. Which was my point.

Yup. What Joe said describes the experiences of a large majority of men at some point in their life. I remember working 8-10 hour shifts, driving 90 minutes each way and renting a hotel room for a girl and then getting 2-3 hours of sleep total between sex and "let's go out and do stuff". For weeks. All seemed perfectly rational at the time, even when I was falling asleep standing up at work and almost bouncing my face off a mail sorter. And that's one of the least insane things I remember doing.

 

[medhope4]

I had a TA who was an average looking chick at best last semester. I am a good looking guy and I could tell she was into me. Flirted with her and used this to get her to help me get close to a 100 in lab. I suggest you do the same.

He'll probably only want to sleep with you. You say you want to date him, but you probably are just lusting for him. He's probably acting mysterious or whatnot, and thats got you into him. The minute he starts liking you and acting all cute and cuddly, you'll lose interest. Women are SOOO weird when it comes to that stuff. Yet I still seem to love them.

Lol so yes, use it to get a good grade. But from the signs of this, it sounds like he's playing with you. l

 

[GraMaire]

I had a TA who was an average looking chick at best last semester. I am a good looking guy and I could tell she was into me. Flirted with her and used this to get her to help me get close to a 100 in lab. I suggest you do the same.

He'll probably only want to sleep with you. You say you want to date him, but you probably are just lusting for him. He's probably acting mysterious or whatnot, and thats got you into him. The minute he starts liking you and acting all cute and cuddly, you'll lose interest. Women are SOOO weird when it comes to that stuff. Yet I still seem to love them.

Lol so yes, use it to get a good grade. But from the signs of this, it sounds like he's playing with you. l

I hope you use this in interviews or -better yet!- the personal statement.

Sent from my SCH-I510 using SDN Mobile

 

[medhope4]

I hope you use this in interviews or -better yet!- the personal statement.

Sent from my SCH-I510 using SDN Mobile

Lol possibly. 😛

 

[rguil15]

Is this still the non-trad forum?

 

[realmeaning]

I had a TA who was an average looking chick at best last semester. I am a good looking guy and I could tell she was into me. Flirted with her and used this to get her to help me get close to a 100 in lab. I suggest you do the same.

He'll probably only want to sleep with you. You say you want to date him, but you probably are just lusting for him. He's probably acting mysterious or whatnot, and thats got you into him. The minute he starts liking you and acting all cute and cuddly, you'll lose interest. Women are SOOO weird when it comes to that stuff. Yet I still seem to love them.

Lol so yes, use it to get a good grade. But from the signs of this, it sounds like he's playing with you. l

Medhope, you were right on the money. If there was a prize I could offer you, I would. I suspect you already own a side by side refrigerator.

So, here's the follow-up to this non-romance, for those of you who care: I turned in a lab late, and told my TA upfront I'd take the late grade, truly not wanting any concessions. He was cool about it and told me "we'd work something out," along with inviting me into his research lab to work on my assignment so "I could ask questions." This past Monday rolls around, my lab is still late, I tell him I'm okay with getting the more points docked off and I'll get it in when I can. (Mistake on my part to default academically). He flips out, yells at me in front of the class, makes me clean the lab bench (wtf?), and tells me he should technically have failed me already because my lab is so late. (This is true, unfortunately, summer courses have a very strict policy as to late work at my school.) It's clear he's getting off on yelling at me and seems to want to prove that he's showing me no favoritism. My eyes start watering as I leave the room. FML.

Later he half-asses an apology and hits on me again. I hear from a little bird that he's scared I'll go to the lab department head to complain about him "being mean to me," so he talks to him first to cover his ass.

I feel stupid for defaulting in school and opening the door to let him bring me down. I feel backed into a corner with little regulatory recourse if things go more awry. I feel perhaps even more stupid for being attracted to an emotionally manipulative *******. (Also yeah, the sensitive deep thing was a front, surprise. I hear he sleeps around.) The worst part is that he's really respected by the professors and students in the chemistry department, because he seems like such a "laid back, cool guy" who does a **** ton of research.

Lesson learned: be absolutely perfect in lab from now on, keep things beyond professional (though nothing remotely physical has happened-- the flirtation was stupid enough), and if he docks me points unfairly, pick my battles from there.

Sigh. ****. Thoughts?

 

[GraMaire]

You should have gotten in the lab on time.

If you can, go to the head and explain that you feel really uncomfortable in lab. It is not okay for him to yell at you at all.

I have only disciplined students in front of a class for one reason- and that is when they were talking negatively about a peer. I then took them aside after class and informed the professor about the situation.

 

[realmeaning]

You should have gotten in the lab on time.

If you can, go to the head and explain that you feel really uncomfortable in lab. It is not okay for him to yell at you at all.

I have only disciplined students in front of a class for one reason- and that is when they were talking negatively about a peer. I then took them aside after class and informed the professor about the situation.

Thanks for the advice. Here's the thing though-- I can't switch into another lab schedule because of scheduling conflicts. Another thing, I risk them just saying that I should drop lab because I technically should have been dropped because of the late lab.

That said, I considered going to the head and just explaining the situation to "get it all out," but I don't know what action could come of it. (Or if that action would be in my favor.)

 

[GraMaire]

If nothing physical happened, you should be in the clear. I feel it is the TAs duty to provide an environment you feel comfortable in. He failed miserably at that. I know it can be hard and Im far from perfect but my students appreciate the effort ( my evals are great).

how much would it hurt you to drop the lab?

 

[medhope4]

lol I told you. Thanks for the refridgerator comment, although maybe I am too dense to get the joke?

Well, what are you asking for advice for? What do to with lab? Or how to seduce this guy?

I think you have gotten good advice about what to do with lab. He has apologized, so see how things go. Try to get your labs done in time from now on. If something else extreme like this occurs again, then you should go talk to the department head about this. Like has been said before, you should feel comfortable in lab.

As far as the romance goes, understand that nothing serious is going to happen between you two. (Although me telling you this probably makes you want it even more). Games are acceptable up to a certain point, but yelling at you in front of the class should not be tolerated. Thats a bit too much in my opinion but that is up to you. I try to treat women with respect, but at the same time exert masculine dominance. This guy I think has gone overboard. As far as seducing him, you could probably play your own games with him but is it worth it? For that advice, you should probably ask a woman lol.

 

[FrkyBgStok]

Clearly you need to write a note and give it to your best friend and have her give it to his best friend and he will give it to him. This is how things are done in the world.