Could someone comment on this autobio for secondaries?

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Sonya

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Hi,

Could you please give me comments on this autobiography, which I am using for various secondaries. Besides for schools asking for autobios, I am giving it where they ask for optional essays.

Just so you know the context of this autobio, my AMCAS essay focuses on why medicine, and where I see myself. It's seems pretty standard..: the original reason for medicine, what I got out of research/ why I like research, and a story from my volunteer experience/ why I like "helping people"/making a difference. And then, my AMCAS essay goes onto demonstrating I have a realistic understanding of my career (medicine combined with research).

on the suggestions you give: ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS , big or s mall would be extremely appreciated. I do not care if it is very negative, if you really feel that way. And a little encouragement i'm on the right track would be appreciated. It can be grammar, flow, some stuff not making sense, some stuff sounding bad about me, some stuff inappropriate, or whatever.

Could you please answer these questions: Does it have an overall point about me? What is the main theme you see coming across?

I'm concerned about the third to last paragraph. Does it belong there? I placed it chronologically, but it doesn't seem to flow there. Any suggestions, or does it seem okay to you?

Again, any suggestions are welcome. Feel free to reply, PM me, or e-mail me [email protected]

I really appreciate your taking the time to read this.

Sonya
 
My unusual early educational pathway and family upbringing have had a lasting impact on who I am today. I grew up in an Indian American family that valued children?s education and close family bonds. Beyond that, my family did not stick with traditions of either India or America, but rather sought the most suitable opportunities our society offered.

While raising us, my father instilled the importance of education, not by disciplining us to get excellent grades, but rather by fostering an environment that encouraged our curiosity. Countless afternoons in childhood were spent solving puzzles, building a model of Yosemite, doing experiments (what happens if you turn on a broken bulb?), dissecting old computers, and running mock presidential debates, to name a few. Growing up in a family of engineers in Silicon Valley, I taught myself computer programming by the time I was eight, and enjoyed making games and educational programs. Thus, I viewed education not as a process of simply absorbing facts, but rather self directed exploration of interest and thorough understanding of knowledge.

Although my parents took interest in and guided me through my activities and education, they gave me independence. Far from making my brother and I obey strict rules, they treated us with the respect of a peer and taught us to take responsibility for our actions. For instance, as early as six years, I started learning to manage my own money, and at fourteen, I managed my credit card. I contributed in deciding family rules, and misbehavior was followed by constructive discussions of morality and responsibility, rather then strict punishments.

I naturally took similar control of my education. My attitudes of independent and self directed learning reflected in my academic performance: I learned quickly, yet felt restricted by the repetitiveness of education in the traditional schools. Thus, when I was in grade school, in 1993, my family and I sought an alternative education path. Soon, I enrolled at a junior college, Foothill College, through a program allowing younger, pre-college, students to take accredited college level courses. Far beyond an early start to college, this step had several lasting implications.

I embraced the independence and responsibility given to college students, which were akin to the attitudes I was raised with at home. I enjoyed being able to select my courses and study under little direction. I thrived in the college atmosphere where professors appreciated opinions and encouraged open discussion of and questioning of material. With the independence came the challenge of college course work. Naturally, I needed more discipline to succeed with challenging college courses. However, as I organized myself and developed study habits, my grades as well as I what benefited from classes soared. Since Foothill College had an excellent transfer rate to and comparable courses as institutions such as UC Berkeley and Stanford, I decided to stay at Foothill to complete my lower division college education.

My early start with college education, as well as the low cost of a community college allowed me the luxury to obtain a broad well rounded education. I pursued in depth many courses that interested me such as economics, speech communication, Japanese and Spanish languages, music cultures and theory, as well as the natural and life sciences. My interests developed in sciences, and I decided to transfer to Washington University to pursue a degree in Biomedical Engineering. My interest in medical science was not isolated from social science courses I took: I sought to explore the context of medical issues in our society through various independent study projects in health care economics and ethics. Beyond allowing me to appreciate other disciplines, this broad education helps me understand how my career fits into the society.

I quickly assimilated with other students at Foothill College in campus activities. I sought to improve our campus community as a student government senator, from 1996 to 1997. I passionately tutored other students from 1995 to 1999, developing relationships with and guiding students to academic success. I pursued my interest in art, through classes in ceramics and piano. I have thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from interacting with the diverse student body in the California community college system: from working parents returning to school, to recent immigrants trying to grasp the language, to high school students getting an early start, to traditional college students not ready for or able to afford university.

Because of this educational pathway, I was fortunate enough to have nine years to develop my career interests in the college environment of relevant classes, extra-activities, and mentors. Growing up with a cousin with Rett Syndrome, an incurable neurological disorder, I was initially attracted to medicine as a field where I can make significant contribution to such individuals. Thus, in 1995 I joined Medical Explorers, a pre-health club for students to meet and discuss careers with physicians. Beyond a broad exposure to the field, I was amazed by the physicians? dedication to and enthusiasm with their career, and hoped I would feel the same way with my future career. Seeking a more direct exposure to my chosen field, from 1997 to 2001, I volunteered in and shadowed physicians in various medical settings: an inpatient hospital, and ER, a psychiatric center, and an otolaryngology clinic. During my senior year of college, starting Fall 2001, I wanted to share experiences I developed with other students, so I founded the AMSA premedical chapter at Washington University. Beyond the gratification I received from helping others, each of these activities has contributed to my realistic understanding of a medical career and furthered my enthusiasm for the career.

Besides learning about my career, in many activities I enjoyed and found it enlightening to interact with individuals from background extremely different from my own. In fact, that is partly why, while at Washington University, I sought out volunteering opportunities at a Domestic Violence agency, and after graduation, at the Cook County Detention Center. I remember a woman who, despite her abusive relationship at home and struggle to find to safe shelters, still managed to complete her college degree. The life of my mentee at the detention center was even more revealing: he came from a high school where every student was in a gang, and his only role model was a drug dealer. As a physician, I look forward to serving this diverse American population.

At Washington University, from 1999 to 2002, my interest in research developed through a Bioengineering research project. I was amazed that the inquisitive nature and preoccupation with examining situations, which I developed since childhood, could be applied to constructive medical goals. Realistically, I remain enthusiastic about a career involving research after three years of research during my undergraduate education at Washington University, and working full time in a lab at University of Chicago after graduation.

Considering this background, I foresee myself in a career of academic medicine, integrating research with clinical medicine. I look forward to pursuing further research during medical school and seeking advice about specialties, in order to align my research and medical specialty interests.
 
Sounds pretty good........good luck with your essay!!!
 
I have edited your essay with changes that I would make. English major no am I 😉, but I mainly just made some changes that i thought would make your essay a little more succinct and less wordy in some parts. I also took out some parts that may have been misinterpreted by adcoms. Examples of these include some of the things you talked about were referring to managing money, enjoying a free spirited education (something med school is not, IMO). I'm certainly not an expert in how adcoms think either, so these are just my opinions.

Otherwise, strong essay! 🙂

Edited Essay:

My unusual early educational pathway and family upbringing have had a lasting impact on who I am today. I grew up in an Indian American family that valued children?s education and close family bonds. My family did not stick with traditions of either India or America, but rather we sought the most suitable opportunities our society offered.

While raising us, my father instilled the importance of education by fostering an environment that encouraged our curiosity. Countless afternoons in childhood were spent solving puzzles, building a model of Yosemite, doing experiments (what happens if you turn on a broken bulb?), dissecting old computers, and running mock presidential debates, to name a few. Growing up in a family of engineers in Silicon Valley, I taught myself computer programming by the time I was eight, and enjoyed making games and educational programs. Thus, I grew up viewing education as a self directed exploration of interest and thorough understanding of knowledge.

Although my parents took an interest in my activities and education, they also gave me independence. They treated us with the respect of a peer and taught us to take responsibility for our actions. I contributed in deciding family rules, and any misbehavior was followed by constructive discussions of morality and responsibility.

I naturally took similar control of my education. My attitudes of independent and self directed learning reflected in my academic performance. When I was in grade school, my family and I sought an alternative education path. I enrolled at a junior college, Foothill College, through a program allowing younger, pre-college, students to take accredited college level courses. This step had several lasting implications.

I embraced the independence and responsibility given to college students, which were akin to the attitudes I was raised with at home. I enjoyed being able to select my courses and being free to learn whatever I was interested in. I thrived in the college atmosphere where professors appreciated opinions and encouraged open discussion of and questioning of material. With the independence came the challenge of college course work. Naturally, I needed more discipline to succeed with challenging college courses. As I organized myself and developed study habits, my grades as well as what I benefited from classes soared. .

My early start with college education, as well as the low cost of a community college allowed me the luxury to obtain a broad well rounded education. I pursued in depth many courses that interested me such as speech communication, Japanese and Spanish languages, music cultures and theory, as well as the natural and life sciences. My interests developed in sciences, and I decided to transfer to Washington University to pursue a degree in Biomedical Engineering. My interest in medical science was not isolated to the science courses I took. I also sought to explore the context of medical issues in our society through various independent study projects in health care economics and ethics. Beyond allowing me to appreciate other disciplines, this broad education helps me understand how my career fits into the society.

While at Foothill College, I enjoyed participating in a wide variety of campus activities. I sought to improve our campus community as a student government senator, from 1996 to 1997. I tutored other students from 1995 to 1999, during which I developed strong relationships with the students while guiding them to academic success. I pursued my interest in art through classes in ceramics and piano. Another benefit of going to a community college was the diversity among my classmates. I became friends with a diverse group of people that included working mothers, students unable to afford tuition our state univesity, and immigrants from other countries. I enjoyed and benefited from interacting with the diverse student body in the California community college system.

Because of this educational pathway, I was fortunate enough to have nine years to develop my career interests in the college environment of relevant classes, extra-activities, and mentors. Growing up with a cousin with Rett Syndrome, I was initially attracted to medicine as a field where I can make significant contribution to such individuals. In 1995, I joined Medical Explorers, a pre-health club for students to meet and discuss careers with physicians. Beyond a broad exposure to the field, I was amazed by the physicians? dedication to and enthusiasm with their career, and I knew that I wanted to feel the same way with my future career. Seeking a more direct exposure to my chosen field, from 1997 to 2001, I volunteered in and shadowed physicians in various medical settings. I was fortunate to have the opportunity to work with physicians in an inpatient hospital, and ER, a psychiatric center, and an otolaryngology clinic. During my senior year of college, I wanted to share experiences I developed with other students, so I founded the AMSA premedical chapter at Washington University. Beyond the gratification I received from helping others, each of these activities has contributed to my realistic understanding of a medical career and furthered my enthusiasm for the career.

Besides learning about my career, in many activities I enjoyed and found it enlightening to interact with individuals from background extremely different from my own. In fact, that is partly why I sought out volunteering opportunities at a Domestic Violence agency, and at the Cook County Detention Center. I remember a woman who, despite her abusive relationship at home and struggle to find to safe shelters, still managed to complete her college degree. The life of my mentee at the detention center was even more revealing. He came from a high school where every student was in a gang, and his only role model was a drug dealer. As a physician, I look forward to serving this diverse American population.

At Washington University, my interest in research developed through a Bioengineering research project that I worked on for several years. I was amazed that the inquisitive nature that I developed since childhood could be applied to constructive medical goals. I remain enthusiastic about a career involving research after three years of research during my undergraduate education at Washington University, and working full time in a lab at University of Chicago after graduation.

Considering this background, I foresee myself in a career of academic medicine, integrating research with clinical medicine. I look forward to pursuing further research during medical school and seeking advice about specialties, in order to align my research and medical specialty interests.
 
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