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deleted1207681
So here is my story,
I became a EMT 2 months before covid, I mainly worked nicu/picu , cct, als and sometimes bls if i was picking up extra shifts.
starts here, i had a ****ty day one day (lwk i think i was hella depressed at the time *not an excuse just a bit of a reflection*) was in a miserable toxic life-sucking relationship, feeling like I've fked my life away and just dealing with some self-worth issues during that time + covid + working 40+ hours a week doing covid calls non stop.. i needed a break. anyways,
had a long day one day ex gf gave me incredible hell that morning before leaving for work, felt like i just was so done w my life. was on call with my pal (partner for about 5 months) bls, and everything was fine, did one call was smooth *like usual* did some school work, ate, listened to music talked about life, then about an hour before we were to head home we get a ping for a covid case... okay whatever no big deal, thing is our company didn't care about their employees (shocker) and we didn't have ppe, i told dispatch, said no other rigs were available, told me there was nothing they could do, honestly i kinda had enough, i was just so over dealing with having to deal with everything ... again no an excuse but mentally i was just burnt tf out by covid. anyways, ran the call get to hospital met w pt, got vitals, looked at my partner said something along the lines of "hey man, i really don't wanna attend this call u mind, he gave me a look, i nodded, fine, ill do it."... got pt in the rig, chatted for a bit, young pt just being discharged to home.
looked at them, and this is where i fked up... i didn't attend, i went into the front seat, my partner looked at me, i didn't speak, he drove off.
turned out someone from my company saw this, got a ping about 15 min out, asking if it was true, i didn't lie, we pulled over, i got in the back, we dropped pt off, was told to goto the station, i barely did my pcr (again, where i fked myself) i had a default PCR template, put their vitals in and everything submitted it like normal, but they also added that as an incident because "how would i have taken their vitals if i wasn't with them", valid, wasn't going to argue.
anyways, yes i fked up, yes i feel absolutely horrible about this and it has been weighing on my conscious for years.
overall, i did about 1000+ hours with this company never had an incident like this before, genuinely enjoyed working in pre-hosp setting. was ultimately put on a 3yr probation, could have gotten this all removed by now but just again, i lwk hate myself so, didnt think i was worth it (sad but true).
fast forward to today, going to be applying next cycle, got my **** together, feel more decent about my life, my stats look solid, got more experience, but still feel like this is going to be the end for me when i apply. all this hard work, self improvement, reflection, down the ****ter, i wish this never happened, thank goodness pt was okay and nothing happened, wish i could go back but i cant and it is what it is.
looking for insight, not scrutiny, i already destroyed myself over this for years, i just need to know if this will be an end all for apps and if i should just go find a new career option.
yes, i really do care about people and there well being, yes I'm a fking human and made a mistake that cost me a lot of sleepless nights and yes i think i have grown into an adult that has a better moral compass now and would be able to not do this again.
-depressed person
I became a EMT 2 months before covid, I mainly worked nicu/picu , cct, als and sometimes bls if i was picking up extra shifts.
starts here, i had a ****ty day one day (lwk i think i was hella depressed at the time *not an excuse just a bit of a reflection*) was in a miserable toxic life-sucking relationship, feeling like I've fked my life away and just dealing with some self-worth issues during that time + covid + working 40+ hours a week doing covid calls non stop.. i needed a break. anyways,
had a long day one day ex gf gave me incredible hell that morning before leaving for work, felt like i just was so done w my life. was on call with my pal (partner for about 5 months) bls, and everything was fine, did one call was smooth *like usual* did some school work, ate, listened to music talked about life, then about an hour before we were to head home we get a ping for a covid case... okay whatever no big deal, thing is our company didn't care about their employees (shocker) and we didn't have ppe, i told dispatch, said no other rigs were available, told me there was nothing they could do, honestly i kinda had enough, i was just so over dealing with having to deal with everything ... again no an excuse but mentally i was just burnt tf out by covid. anyways, ran the call get to hospital met w pt, got vitals, looked at my partner said something along the lines of "hey man, i really don't wanna attend this call u mind, he gave me a look, i nodded, fine, ill do it."... got pt in the rig, chatted for a bit, young pt just being discharged to home.
looked at them, and this is where i fked up... i didn't attend, i went into the front seat, my partner looked at me, i didn't speak, he drove off.
turned out someone from my company saw this, got a ping about 15 min out, asking if it was true, i didn't lie, we pulled over, i got in the back, we dropped pt off, was told to goto the station, i barely did my pcr (again, where i fked myself) i had a default PCR template, put their vitals in and everything submitted it like normal, but they also added that as an incident because "how would i have taken their vitals if i wasn't with them", valid, wasn't going to argue.
anyways, yes i fked up, yes i feel absolutely horrible about this and it has been weighing on my conscious for years.
overall, i did about 1000+ hours with this company never had an incident like this before, genuinely enjoyed working in pre-hosp setting. was ultimately put on a 3yr probation, could have gotten this all removed by now but just again, i lwk hate myself so, didnt think i was worth it (sad but true).
fast forward to today, going to be applying next cycle, got my **** together, feel more decent about my life, my stats look solid, got more experience, but still feel like this is going to be the end for me when i apply. all this hard work, self improvement, reflection, down the ****ter, i wish this never happened, thank goodness pt was okay and nothing happened, wish i could go back but i cant and it is what it is.
looking for insight, not scrutiny, i already destroyed myself over this for years, i just need to know if this will be an end all for apps and if i should just go find a new career option.
yes, i really do care about people and there well being, yes I'm a fking human and made a mistake that cost me a lot of sleepless nights and yes i think i have grown into an adult that has a better moral compass now and would be able to not do this again.
-depressed person
