First year student misery or burnout

[littlehouse]

---

Members don't see this ad.

I finished my first year at a funded clinical phd program last week. I have done well in my classes, am close to proposing my first year (thesis) project, and I think would get generally good feedback if I asked faculty how I am doing. Everything is set up for me to return in the fall. But I feel miserable.

I know part of my problem is that I did not adjust very well to the workload, take steps to take care of my health, or work to make new friends in the area I and my husband moved to. I’ve been feeling burned out since late January and since the end of March, every day has been a struggle. I sometimes feel like I am looking down the barrel of a gun when I think about next year—every student/faculty member I’ve spoken with has told me it only gets harder due to added responsibilities (and some of them I am very much not looking forward to).

I came to grad school thinking I wanted a research career. However, my research experiences haven’t been great, and I’ve been seriously doubting my abilities *and* interest level. My advisor’s research topic has not turned out to be going the way I thought from the interview. This was the only program I got into after two tries, and I do think I would be at least somewhat happier if I was at one of the other schools I applied to (which felt like a better fit research and opportunity-wise).

Working on my first year project/thesis has been unpleasant. I have a hard time coming up with research questions. Every new kink I have to work out stresses me out. I’m not as interested in my topic as other people are in theirs, and some people have suggested trying to come up with a new one I like more. The idea of coming up with a new one is so overwhelming to me right now, and would likely set me back at least a semester. Considering that my program already has a reputation for taking forever, I am afraid to do something that will set me back.

I have thought about dropping out, but I know that I would only be leaving—not going toward something. I have no back-up plan, other skills, or some past field of work to go back to. I also feel so completely burned out and doubting myself right now that the idea of trying to network and sell myself and carve some job out of this tough market seems impossible. I’m not great at that stuff at the best of times. I’m in my late 20s and I feel like I would be starting all over (in what, I don't even know). All of my experiences in undergrad and all of my work experiences since have been psychology research related (research assistant/coordinator). I sometimes feel that I could quit and experience the same doubts and dislike of a new career too (although maybe it wouldn't be this hard/time-consuming?). I’m not sure how thrilled my letters writers (who were with me through 2 application cycles and who gave me many extremely generous opportunities to get the CV I needed for grad school) will be to help me network and be a reference for a new job. I would at least feel better telling them, “I decided this wasn’t for me, but X is” or “I want to try X”… but there is no X.

I’ve also thought about trying to stick it out to the masters and then decide, but based on discussions with my advisor about my thesis project and what I have seen from most of the students in my program, that will likely take me 2 more years if data collection goes smoothly.

I had some doubts coming into the program about this career path, but I set them aside for the first semester. Now they have returned and I’m having trouble even using the “end goal” to motivate me. Other graduate students have told me that everyone feels imposter syndrome and questions being in grad school. Some people have even told me they think about quitting on a consistent basis. But is it normal to feel like this to the level that I am? Does anyone have any advice? Is this just burnout?

 

[PsychBiker]

I won't elaborate too much, mostly because I don't do much research, but a lot of this sounds normal - grad school is damn hard. Definitely contact your adviser/director about these issues. Really, they will understand and they will not think it means you are not dedicated. In this field especially, noting your fears and concerns shows your maturity and, actually, your dedication. Even in a research-focused PhD program, you will always have the option to be more than a researcher. This could be burnout, but to me, that would just mean you need to ease off for a few weeks or just stop researching altogether for a set amount of time. Don't thinking about going to other schools or just stopping altogether, at least for now. Again, and most importantly, tell someone in your program how you feel, you may be surprised by their reaction. Lastly, don't compare yourself to other students, that won't end well.

Good luck and know that many of us know (and still feel) your pain.

 

[littlehouse]

Thanks, PsychBiker. I appreciate the kind words! I'm trying to take the next few weeks to relax. I have thought about talking to my advisor, but I have struggled with how to put it without not appearing dedicated. I feel like at this point, they aren't super invested in me and I haven't really "proved" myself, so I'm not sure what their reaction would be.

 

[PsychBiker]

Thanks, PsychBiker. I appreciate the kind words! I'm trying to take the next few weeks to relax. I have thought about talking to my advisor, but I have struggled with how to put it without not appearing dedicated. I feel like at this point, they aren't super invested in me and I haven't really "proved" myself, so I'm not sure what their reaction would be.

Hopefully others will respond to this as well, but even if you come up to your advisory and just blatantly say "I am tired of doing this, I am thinking about leaving" they will respond with empathy, as they have been there before. I currently know a 1st year PhD student who is considering leaving, so she has deluded herself to believe that the 2nd year will be somehow easier. However, I would be remiss to say that, years ago, I didn't consider dropping out as well. I look back at my hesitation and see how much younger and immature I was. Regardless, I wanted to leave my program, so I went to my adviser and told him. He said, "If you leave now, you will regret it. Lake any challenge, graduate school is harder in the beginning, but it does get better. We've all (the faculty) felt what you feel now."

My main point to you is this: If you still see yourself as a researcher and/or psychologist 5 years from now, then push on. If you've lost the desire, then take a break for a week and rethink your goals. Regardless, talk to your adviser.

 

[cara susanna]

Best advice I received was to not think about quitting until the semester was over. A lot of people feel like quitting around the last month of the semester.

 

[Eivuwan]

Have you started doing clinical work yet? I am not enjoying the research aspect of my program right now but I love the clinical aspect. That's enough for me to keep going.

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

That's a pretty common first year reaction to grad school. Definitely give yourself some time to decompress. The summertime should be a bit easier or at least give you a break from a full course load. Self care is important, so make sure to sprinkle in some time for yourself. You may not get a 2 week long vacation, but taking 30-60min a day and a few hours on the weekend for yourself can really increase your productivity during your working hours. I read articles during "hammock time" and rewarded blocks of productivity with a run, range time (golf), or movie time w. friends. I turned 9-12hr of work into 2-3 blocks of focused time, so when I wasn't working I could enjoy an hour or two in between to recharge/eat/workout/nap.

 

[smalltownpsych]

I would suggest that the interest in topics and waxes and wanes and that was one of the biggest struggles of many of us in my cohort. My strategy was to keep going forward and remember why I started in the first place. I eventually put it all together and am really happy with how my dissertation came out and how that has helped subsequently, but at times it looked pretty grim. Under the emotional pressure cooker of grad school, we don't always think clearly and smaller things become magnified. Good luck!

 

[AcronymAllergy]

Agree with pretty much all of what's been said--it's certainly a normal experience (in that plenty of people do it) to consider quitting grad school, but hold off on taking any action until you've had a chance to decomp a bit during the summer. There were certainly some years that were better than others, and in particular, things got to be much more enjoyable once classes were finished (and this coming from a guy who actually liked just about all my classes). If I had to peg it, I'd say the second semester of my first year was probably my low point for all the, "is this really what I want to do?" and, "do I belong here?" type thoughts.

And keep your chin up--plenty of folks who had less-than-stellar experiences in grad school go on to absolutely love internship, postdoc, and "grown up" jobs, all of which can be very different from school.

 

[futureapppsy2]

Adding on the (excellent) advice by others, I've found that my interest in research can really vary by how well my research is doing. If I'm coming off multiple acceptances, I'm gung ho about it; if I'm coming off a string of rejections, I began idly wondering if I should have just gone with a terminal masters. 😉 Same thing with other areas in grad school--if things are going well for a while, I feel good about them and about my choice of career; if things hit a rough patch, I start having more doubts. I've found that my feelings toward grad school tend to be rather cyclical.

 

[Margo Fargo]

All first year and most of second, I wanted to quit. Every. Single. Week. To my surprise, I am just about to finish the first term where I have actually NOT wanted to quit at all (yet).

Similar to cara susanna's advice, I kept telling myself to "give it just one more term." I told myself I could bail once I finished my M.S. Now that I have an excellent VA practicum rotation on the horizon for next year, I'm actually not miserable anymore. I'm really glad I powered through, because things did change.

Like others before me, I would advise you to hang tough until a few weeks into the summer, once you've had a chance to breathe. At that point, you'll either find your second wind or realize just how amazing life is when school's not in session... Perhaps both, which is really confusing.

 

[EmotRegulation]

Grad school IS hard. Not just the workload, which is demanding (to say the least), but the mental/emotional pressure is high and often not what people expect coming in. Friends and family outside programs just don't get it. They try, and they mean well, but they really don't understand. Do you have friends in your cohort or in your program you can complain to? I found that once we got past the initial "we-can't-talk-about-this-because-they-all-love-it-here" phase, everyone felt varying degrees of overwhelmed stress and commiserating about it helped tremendously.

Also, remember that going to therapy is a choice you can make too. I and several of my friends in grad school went to therapy to discuss both personal and professional growth issues. As a clinical student, it's helpful to sit on the "client" side of the couch, and as a human, it's good to have a safe space to talk about all this stuff with someone who can help you sort things out. Therapy isn't necessary, of course, but it really can be helpful. Particularly if friends/family don't get it.

For the record, as someone who made it through grad school and to an academic job, I doubt my research abilities every other day. Some days I think I'm brilliant and other days I wonder why nothing seems to work out as I hypothesized, that these must be horrible ideas and I'm going to fail my tenure review. The trick isn't wishing or expecting these feelings to go away, it's figuring out a productive way to deal with them without letting them drag you down too much.

 

[littlehouse]

I appreciate the thoughtful replies very much. I've tried to take a step back as much as I could the last few weeks. I am feeling somewhat better, but I'm still having trepidation about going forward and trouble getting my second wind back. To answer some comments, I haven't had any clinical experiences in the program yet, which is one reason I am wanting to continue. I haven't spoken with my advisor since they've been out of town. Self-care would definitely need to be a bigger priority for me moving forward, so thanks for the suggestions.

I could see myself continuing in the program but I may have to drastically alter my (and others'?) expectations of what I can produce. I saw what some of the more driven alumni of the program had accomplished in their time here and I came in wanting to follow in their footsteps, especially because my program isn't considered a top program. I chose an advisor known for productive students. I thought I wanted a research career (probably not R1; open to a lot of things including nonacademic think tanks for example) or to work at the VA (I have some VA experience). But this first year made me question if I have what it takes to just scrape by. I know the joke "What do you call the medical student who graduates last in his/her class? A doctor." But I'm not sure it will apply so much here, since the job market for doctors and psychologists works differently. Is there any room for a student or researcher doing hopefully solid work but at a minimum or average output?

I hope this thread isn't too specific to my situation and may be helpful for other students out there.

 

[sockit]

I can't speak to grad school at all, but have you had a complete physical lately? Some things that look and feel like burnout might not be that at all.

 

[erg923]

Is there any room for a student or researcher doing hopefully solid work but at a minimum or average output?

Uh, you mean statistically "average" lol

I think you are describing 90% of doctoral students in clinical psychology programs. Of the hundreds that graduate from tranditonal phd programs every year, how many do you think go on to be superstars at R1s or AMCs? Its a small percentage.

Do solid science and put all you can into it and becoming a good scientiific practitioner. There are plenty of colleges other than R1 institutions in this country if you want an acadcemic career.

 

[smalltownpsych]

Being an average psychologist is pretty damn good in my opinion. I have found that in some areas I am weaker than the average psychologist, and in others I tend to excel. Some times during grad school I did feel like I was just scraping by. I think most of us feel that way as we are going through the hurdles of the training. None of us will be the best at everything and that was hard for me to adjust to as throughout my education prior to grad school, I tended to be the best at all subjects and sort of got used to that. Learning my own limitations was an important part of the process for me and it helps me know when to refer out in my clinical practice. Although, referring out isn't always an option in rural practice and sometimes I feel that same pressure to be the best at everything.

Also, good luck with the clinical work. That might help you gain a little perspective and also reinforce what the whole point of psychology is all about.