For those of you who had controlling parents, how did you break free?

[Alakazam123]

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I've read some stories on SDN, talking about parents who tried to pressure their kids into getting married, or getting a boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.

My mother, for instance is insistent that I stay in my home state for medical school (preferably in my hometown), and says that if I get in anywhere else, she'll move there with me. She has hinted that she'd like me to stay there (in hometown) until I get married.

To those of you who had similarly controlling parents, was it just a matter of packing your bags and leaving? How did your parents handle that, and have you mended your relationship since?

 

[deleted480308]

1. Be financially independent, checks come with strings attached
2. Don't fight too hard until you are compliant with #1
3. Apply where you want, and when you get in, go there.
4. Don't put mom on the lease, she can live in whatever city she wants, she can't live with you
5. Grandkids have a tendency of calming grandparents down

 

[Ad2b]

Still blaming your parents? Did you retake the MCAT for the 4th time? How did you do?

 

[Alakazam123]

Still blaming your parents? Did you retake the MCAT for the 4th time? How did you do?

I did not retake it yet. I will retake it when I'm ready. I'm taking that on my own terms. My question was asking, how others dealt with controlling parents, that's all.

 

[Alakazam123]

I think the thread has honestly run its course. I understand the course of action to be taken. If we could get an admin to close the thread...

 

[Ad2b]

I did not retake it yet. I will retake it when I'm ready. I'm taking that on my own terms. My question was asking, how others dealt with controlling parents, that's all.

That's blaming your parents being controlling; you have all the control, you choose not to exercise it and blame them instead

You can close the thread yourself, I believe, by clicking on the top or something.

 

[deleted18755]

1. Be financially independent, checks come with strings attached
2. Don't fight too hard until you are compliant with #1

This is step #1 (and 2) ... I can’t tell you how many “kids” I know (mainly second generation Indian and Asians but others as well) whose parents literally pay 110% of their tuition/living expenses etc well through college and grad school, which the kids fully accept, but then they complain that they are “independent adults” and their parents are co trolling them.

No idea if this applies to you (and I have to admit that your situation seems a little extreme) but it always makes me wonder how 18-26+ year olds want it both ways (complete financial dependence but otherwise total independence because they are “adults”)

 

[Alakazam123]

This is step #1 (and 2) ... I can’t tell you how many “kids” I know (mainly second generation Indian and Asians but others as well) whose parents literally pay 110% of their tuition/living expenses etc well through college and grad school but the children complain that the parents aren’t letting them be “independent”

No idea if this applies to you (and I have to admit that your situation seems a little extreme) but it always makes me wonder how 18-26+ year olds want it both ways (complete financial dependence but otherwise total independence because they are “adults”)

I am South Asian, and believe me, becoming financially independent is not as easy as it is in other cultures. I told my dad to stop the financial support, and said I'd like to pay my way through college. He retaliated by accusing me of threatening the family, and said that I was not valuing our association enough.

For many Asian kids it's not so easy to just get up and walk out of the house and be like "I'm done with this s***." By doing so, they literally risk destroying all their family associations, and being ostracized completely. I wish it were different, but it is a vicious cycle.

The best bet for many Asian kids is the following:

1) Get into medical school, pay your own way through, and get into a good and busy residency where your parents cannot bother you.

2) Get a job right after undergrad, that is well paying (60K+), and go out on your own terms.

Other than that, you're basically going to keep eating crap from them.

In fact, in some families, even if the child is paying out of their own a**, the parents still bug them about romantic life, finances, grades, etc.

A lot of South Asian parents that I know are very controlling.

 

[Alakazam123]

Not to mention, in many South Asian families, there is a lot of religious control. They will basically expect you to conform to all of their religious traditions, and if you say no, they will guilt-trip you into saying yes. If you persist, then they will disown you.

In fact, my father once even said that, if I didn't have faith in a deity, then I was a stranger to him. It was very hurtful...but spoke volumes about our culture.

 

[Ad2b]

I am South Asian, and believe me, becoming financially independent is not as easy as it is in other cultures. I told my dad to stop the financial support, and said I'd like to pay my way through college. He retaliated by accusing me of threatening the family, and said that I was not valuing our association enough.

A lot of South Asian parents that I know are very controlling.

Controlling to you, caring to others.

Many kids grow up with parents who are too busy or too "not wanting to intrude" and so the kids self-medicate through various means (drugs, drinking, wild behavior) because the parents don't seem to care... at all. Maybe instead of continuing to blame your parents (going on 3 years now, right?), be thankful they actually care enough. Maybe instead of blaming, say, "Thank you."

Because eventually, you will be thankful and if you do that, rather than blame, you won't have the regret and shame that comes later.

 

[Alakazam123]

Controlling to you, caring to others.

Many kids grow up with parents who are too busy or too "not wanting to intrude" and so the kids self-medicate through various means (drugs, drinking, wild behavior) because the parents don't seem to care... at all. Maybe instead of continuing to blame your parents (going on 3 years now, right?), be thankful they actually care enough. Maybe instead of blaming, say, "Thank you."

Because eventually, you will be thankful and if you do that, rather than blame, you won't have the regret and shame that comes later.

I respect your viewpoint, but I disagree. I think we shall agree to disagree.

I'll just try to find another way to become financially independent and move on.

 

[Alakazam123]

I'm unable to close this thread, but if there is an admin who can do so, I'd appreciate it. I think the thread has run its course.

 

[Lee]

Thread closed. Please stay on topic folks and don't be rude.