Getting a divorce

[Patch80]

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Late last year I posted a thread about my wife and I have problems with our marriage. We decided to go to counseling to see if things would get better. Our marriage did improve for several months but we're back to where we were last year.

My wife told me she wants a divorce earlier this evening. I don't think she's going to change her mind this time.

Did any of you go through a divorce during residency? I can't imagine my life without my wife by my side. She's been there for me all these years.

 

[rph3664]

Late last year I posted a thread about my wife and I have problems with our marriage. We decided to go to counseling to see if things would get better. Our marriage did improve for several months but we're back to where we were last year.

My wife told me she wants a divorce earlier this evening. I don't think she's going to change her mind this time.

Did any of you go through a divorce during residency? I can't imagine my life without my wife by my side. She's been there for me all these years.

Do you have children? How long have you been together?

 

[drmom1177]

i understand that talking online via blogs and forums is good for self therapy but i do think in your particular situation the person to lay it all bare for should be your wife. talk with her like you talk with forum members. you need to lay your heart on the floor for her if you feel you love her and still want a go at your marriage. i do not like divorce and if it can be avoided please try. you both would look back in a few years and laugh over it all.

 

[PharmaTope]

im sorry to hear this.

i know you guys were together since freshman year of college too. that is really tough.

what was it that caused it to end? i know someone else mentioned she might not have felt like she was able to find herself because she had been with you for so long and such.

 

[Patch80]

We don't have any kids. When we first got married, she wanted to have kids and talked about our future children all the time. However, as time progressed she stopped.

I'm not ready to give up...but she's not willing to fight for us anymore.

She started working as a Teacher again earlier this year. She's always been passionate about Teaching. I also noticed last week that she's been communicating back and forth with the Principal. Most of which isn't professional communication, it seems more than that. So I did have thoughts about her having an affair.

I'll admit I haven't been there for her as much as I should have, but I thought she would have accepted this by now after all these years.

 

[ANCAdoc]

I'd advise against posting details regarding divorce or your wife. Attorneys can use this info against you. This goes for any social networking site as well (facebook, etc).

Sorry you are going through this.

 

[rph3664]

I'd advise against posting details regarding divorce or your wife. Attorneys can use this info against you. This goes for any social networking site as well (facebook, etc).

Sorry you are going through this.

ITA. DEFINITELY avoid posting details on Facebook, etc.!

I once stumbled onto a message board and realized that one of the posters was a friend of mine, and she had posted details of her divorce proceedings on there too. There were things in other posts where I knew it was definitely her, and a lot of the stuff on there was things neither she nor her STBX had told me. This, BTW, was a situation where they were both equally responsible for the failure of their marriage but I felt like a voyeur reading the gory details of her side of the story.

 

[PharmaTope]

ya if this is def a divorce, do not post too much info. that will come back to bite you bigtime.

 

[michaelrack]

xxxxxx

 

[Excelsius]

I didn't know you were the same person in that other thread until it was bumped recently. I am sorry to hear about this. At the same time, there was some great advice for you in the other thread. If you followed all the advice and didn't get anywhere, then maybe you can feel a little better for getting a divorce now rather than later once you are settled as a doctor. Of course, there is also the other likely possibility... Remember that therapists are not there to fix anything for you. They are more like mediators that allow you to see what is wrong and offer some solutions. The person who has to carry out those changes is you. People have been very confused about the role of psychology since it was created by Freud. Back then they used to take their "hysteric" wives or homosexual children to Freud and ask him to "fix" them. Unfortunately, a lot of people still have this expectation today.

 

[maceo]

Listen, it sounds like it is inevitable that you get divorced since you tried once before. Consider yourself lucky since you dont have any assets to speak of that she can put her claws into and no child support. SO you are sitting pretty. Dump her and move on... seriously.. youll be much happier. And tell her .. its ok for her to have an affair.. you recommend it..

 

[PharmaTope]

Listen, it sounds like it is inevitable that you get divorced since you tried once before. Consider yourself lucky since you dont have any assets to speak of that she can put her claws into and no child support. SO you are sitting pretty. Dump her and move on... seriously.. youll be much happier. And tell her .. its ok for her to have an affair.. you recommend it..

you gotta understand it from his perspective though. if she was cheating it would make it easier for him to withdraw feelings. right now he is like wow, this is the person and life i have known for so long now there are all these question marks in his life.

where is his future going? sure he is going to be an attending but in life there are more important aspects of life than just being an attending. he wanted this to work so just moving on like that is easier said than done.

also though, just be mindful if this does go in a divorce direction, i have seen them get VERY VERY MESSY. people who you would never expect certain things from change.

just be careful and dont post the details on here. if you want, PM a few members to discuss what is going on. you can PM me and chat if you like on gmail or whatever if it helps.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Listen, it sounds like it is inevitable that you get divorced since you tried once before. Consider yourself lucky since you dont have any assets to speak of that she can put her claws into and no child support. SO you are sitting pretty. Dump her and move on... seriously.. youll be much happier. And tell her .. its ok for her to have an affair.. you recommend it..

Spouses have been known to successfully petition for and get future earnings, especially if they have been a source of financial support during training.

While I feel for the OP and wish him the best of luck, he needs some good legal advice as I suspect his wife has been at the very least emotional support for him during medical school and residency, if not financial support. He may not be sitting pretty if she has a bulldog attorney who encourages her to go after his future earnings.

If she is indeed having an affair, that could be his golden egg to counteract any such legal action on her part.

 

[The Poet Sings]

Spouses have been known to successfully petition for and get future earnings, especially if they have been a source of financial support during training.

While I feel for the OP and wish him the best of luck, he needs some good legal advice as I suspect his wife has been at the very least emotional support for him during medical school and residency, if not financial support. He may not be sitting pretty if she has a bulldog attorney who encourages her to go after his future earnings.

If she is indeed having an affair, that could be his golden egg to counteract any such legal action on her part.

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showpost.php?p=8785520&postcount=1

they need a good lawyer for real.

 

[jdh71]

Spouses have been known to successfully petition for and get future earnings, especially if they have been a source of financial support during training.

While I feel for the OP and wish him the best of luck, he needs some good legal advice as I suspect his wife has been at the very least emotional support for him during medical school and residency, if not financial support. He may not be sitting pretty if she has a bulldog attorney who encourages her to go after his future earnings.

If she is indeed having an affair, that could be his golden egg to counteract any such legal action on her part.

I had a friend sucessfully argue that his LOANS demonstrated that neither he nor she was fully supporting anyone during med school, and that if she wanted part of his money, she could also then take part of his loans. She decided she wasn't very interested in his future money anymore.

 

[Substance]

Advice:

1. Once divorce is mentioned, your marriage is basically over. It was over last time.

2. Get a lawyer.

3. Get a PI to investigate your wife(if your lawyer clears the PI legally)

4. Cut off all contact with your wife.

5. Stop posting anywhere on the internet about this. Clam up.

 

[PharmaTope]

Advice:

1. Once divorce is mentioned, your marriage is basically over. It was over last time.

2. Get a lawyer.

3. Get a PI to investigate your wife(if your lawyer clears the PI legally)

4. Cut off all contact with your wife.

5. Stop posting anywhere on the internet about this. Clam up.

agreed, mods can we delete both threads about his divorce?

 

[smq123]

agreed, mods can we delete both threads about his divorce?

It's SDN policy not to delete threads unless it shares restricted information or otherwise violates the TOS. Since the OP willingly posted this information, and it doesn't violate the TOS, there is no reason for us to delete it. For all you know, the OP might not even want them deleted.

If he, upon thinking about it, would like to have these threads deleted, he may become a donor and delete this original posts, which should wipe out the thread. Keep in mind, though, that when a moderator or a donor deletes a thread, it is a "soft" delete - it would still be seen to the general public should they do a google search for it.

 

[PharmaTope]

It's SDN policy not to delete threads unless it shares restricted information or otherwise violates the TOS. Since the OP willingly posted this information, and it doesn't violate the TOS, there is no reason for us to delete it. For all you know, the OP might not even want them deleted.

If he, upon thinking about it, would like to have these threads deleted, he may become a donor and delete this original posts, which should wipe out the thread. Keep in mind, though, that when a moderator or a donor deletes a thread, it is a "soft" delete - it would still be seen to the general public should they do a google search for it.

so he could always just post restricted info or somethign that violates TOS and the threads will get deleted then?

 

[smq123]

so he could always just post restricted info or somethign that violates TOS and the threads will get deleted then?

If he wanted to, like I said, he has ways of deleting these threads. And, again, as I already said, it's not a hard delete - it could still be found via Google.

And if you were to post restricted info or anything that violated the TOS in the hopes that that would force me to delete the thread, I would just delete your individual posts.

But you're making the assumption that HE wants to delete these threads. Maybe he doesn't. Why don't you wait until he weighs back in again?

 

[Winged Scapula]

I had a friend sucessfully argue that his LOANS demonstrated that neither he nor she was fully supporting anyone during med school, and that if she wanted part of his money, she could also then take part of his loans. She decided she wasn't very interested in his future money anymore.

Good point.

Those I know who have gone after, and received, retirement funds/future earnings, did so in the days before massive loans.

 

[dragonfly99]

I think it's sad that this thread has become all about money. I agree that patch should avoid posting too many personal details...right now he hasn't given away too many, but I wouldn't post anything further that might all you or your wife to be easily identified.

Nobody answered patch's original question, about whether anyone has gone through divorce during residency.

Patch, I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope you have some good friends also there locally who can help you get through this. I hope you and your wife can get through this period with the least amount of pain possible...not everyone has a super "messy" divorce. Of course it is not pleasant, but I've known people, even people with kids, who have managed to be civil about it. Sometimes people get a divorce mediator rather than 2 separate lawyers, but that's for you two to decide. The fact that you don't have kids yet may be a blessing in disguise at this point. There were a couple of residents in my program who did go through divorce during residency...it's unfortunate, but it does happen. People seemed to manage to get through it, though I'm sure it was very difficult.

At least your wife is being honest with you, since it seems like at this point you guys tried to work it out but you just couldn't. Hopefuly she is not cheating, but it sounds like emotionally she has "left the building". In that situation it seems like there isn't much to be done except for you to move on, unless you feel like there is something to be fixed/repaired (but you BOTH would have to feel that way).

For what it's worth, I kind of admire you for
a) giving love a shot in the first place (even though in 20/20 hindsight maybe you guys got married too young, or somehow weren't compatible)
b) that you tried to make your marriage work instead of just bailing at the first chance/hint of problems

However, I don't believe in staying married at all costs...this seems like one of those situations where it has reached the end of the line. My only advice is don't be afraid to seek support from your friends and family, and if you feel like it ends up affecting your work a lot, take advantage of your GME office if they have free counseling, etc. for stress related issues.

 

[Ypo.]

Advice:

1. Once divorce is mentioned, your marriage is basically over. It was over last time.

2. Get a lawyer.

3. Get a PI to investigate your wife(if your lawyer clears the PI legally)

4. Cut off all contact with your wife.

5. Stop posting anywhere on the internet about this. Clam up.

Wow. Seriously? I think the above sounds very acrimonious. Luckily there are no kids involved to suffer from a bitter divorce, but, still... a lot of times it is possible for both people to agree it didn't work out but remain friends or at least be peaceful with the separation. I do think there is something to be said for trying to make an agreement between yourselves (and telling the lawyers what you want) rather than having the lawyers battle it out for you). Of course if you are sure it's going to be a nasty divorce I would suppose the above advice is the smartest move financially.