Going through grad program / internship single AKA commiseration thread

[voyeurofthemind]

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I've seen countless break ups and even divorces happen in the middle of graduate school. I went through my own break up the person I was in a long-term relationship with during my 3rd year - right before dissertation, clinical competency exams, internship application. Definitely the awful timing for that kind of stress. I honestly look back and have to give myself a pat on the back for still managing to pull it all off in the midst of turmoil like that in my personal life. Good support and coping skills I guess (although admittedly sometimes those coping skills were lacking). Nothing like conducting therapy with a client a week after your boyfriend/girlfriend packs their stuff and moves out. Am I right or am I right?

Now while on internship in the midst of this stress I can't help but envy some of my colleges who are married or in a relationship. It would be nice to have someone to come home to at the end of the day to unload the stress with and then go out and do something fun. All you single ladies (and gentlemen) - can you relate?

 

[Therapist4Chnge]

Now while on internship in the midst of this stress I can't help but envy some of my colleges who are married or in a relationship. It would be nice to have someone to come home to at the end of the day to unload the stress with and then go out and do something fun. All you single ladies (and gentlemen) - can you relate?

Some (many?) might argue that they wish they were single or at least not beholden to also having to care for a child, be there for their sig other despite feeling spent, etc.

One of the things I most valued during my internship year was being able to go home and decompress in silence and stillness. There were times when having a spouse would have been helpful, but being single allowed me to be more selfish for myself: sleep when I needed it, workout whenever I wanted, zone out and not feel guilty about not being present for my partner, etc.

 

[CheetahGirl]

Yes, the grass is always greener on the other side, as T4C stated. Not single, haven't been for a long time but I can relate to feeling vulnerable and in need of what you desire.

I'm working on final revisions of my dissertation before I defend very soon (albeit minor...which makes a missed comma all that more frustrating and tedious) and I explained to my husband that I've been advised that this process takes 3-4 weeks WITHOUT children (we have 4). I would not trade anything for the world in the midst of all my chaos, but I would love to go on "vacation" from my real job (as a mother and wife) so I could focus on my clinical psychology work. And you know what? There's zero affection right now from my spouse because he's so burnt out on my demands and can't deal with me when I'm stressed out (I'm usually the calm, happy one in the household - and it's true & somewhat misogynistic, but happy wife, happy life). The first several years of my program he was a prince, but he's fed up with me and my intrinsic career (he can make in one swoop more $$$ than my salary would be 5-years post-licensed, which kills me about our profession also...although I get benefits with my positions which brings something to the table). My kids are adorable, but I know through my psychodynamic training that I'm a little emotionally absent right now because my annihilation anxiety is kicking in. I love their childish banter...but lately, I just have to ask them to repeat themselves when I realize they were telling me a story that needed my feedback. And if they fight with each other, I'm so on edge that I release the inner-banshee....until the air is once again calm (and they're usually traumatized by my 'Disciplinary Voice'....how do the Catholic Nuns get kids so straight...I can't imagine them yelling like I do? I wonder). And sleep - what's that?!? Sleeping in to me is 6:50am...on the weekends.

I loved my substance use rotation on internship...because I've learned to respect and use AA philosophies...like "this too shall pass," and "one day at a time." I don't have a substance use problem, but gosh, if those saying don't help get you through urges to just say to hell with it all!
So, voyeurofthemind, here's your psychic hug. 'Cuz I need one too.

 

[deleted343839]

When a relationship is young and there are neither kids in the picture nor a lot of major life stressors competing for priority, it is nice to have someone to come home to. But inevitably, life happens. Spouses/partners have their own needs, and the maintenance of a relationship is not always compatible with the demands of grad school.

But separate from the single/partnered/married issues, it really sucks to deal with a loss and still have to function as a caring, competent, on-her-A-game professional. There have been times in my career when loved ones have died or I've encountered major stressful events that really shook me. Taking time off, seeking help/support, protecting my boundaries, and keeping my knee-jerk "I'll be fine" reaction in check are things I have learned to do more consistently over time.

 

[PsychMajorUndergrad18]

OP, how you thought of getting a cat maybe? Cats usually keep to themselves most of the time and are easier to take care of but they are able to tell when your in a bad mood and can be very lovable to their owners (especially the ones that feed them). I totally understand where you are since I've been single all my life but having a cat (and now a dog) has helped with the loneliness.

 

[MetaMuse]

I've seen countless break ups and even divorces happen in the middle of graduate school. I went through my own break up the person I was in a long-term relationship with during my 3rd year - right before dissertation, clinical competency exams, internship application. Definitely the awful timing for that kind of stress. I honestly look back and have to give myself a pat on the back for still managing to pull it all off in the midst of turmoil like that in my personal life. Good support and coping skills I guess (although admittedly sometimes those coping skills were lacking). Nothing like conducting therapy with a client a week after your boyfriend/girlfriend packs their stuff and moves out. Am I right or am I right?

Now while on internship in the midst of this stress I can't help but envy some of my colleges who are married or in a relationship. It would be nice to have someone to come home to at the end of the day to unload the stress with and then go out and do something fun. All you single ladies (and gentlemen) - can you relate?

I'm right there with you, and am the only single one in my internship program in a new city. At the same time, it gives me the freedom to apply anywhere I want for post-doc without worrying about a partner's career/desires of where to live/etc. Having a pet does help, too. 🙂

 

[MiniLop]

OP, how you thought of getting a cat maybe? Cats usually keep to themselves most of the time and are easier to take care of but they are able to tell when your in a bad mood and can be very lovable to their owners (especially the ones that feed them). I totally understand where you are since I've been single all my life but having a cat (and now a dog) has helped with the loneliness.

Getting a cat reduced my stress levels by like 30%. My little fluff ball sleeps next to me on the couch all day while I'm writing. No matter how stressed/overwhelmed I am, looking at him makes me feel much better.

 

[PsychMajorUndergrad18]

Yea cats are the best

 

[smalltownpsych]

Therapy cat! 😍

 

[PsychMajorUndergrad18]

Therapy cat! 😍

This needs to happen!!

 

[bmedclinic]

I think this is totally a grass is greener on the other side.
When I was single as a 3rd year student, I worked all the time, but kinda felt jealous of colleagues who had a spouse, family, etc. for the support they had. They always had a cheerleader. I similarly felt terrible for all the other colleagues who had been through nasty divorces, breakups, etc, because those seemed inevitable, too. And I had a myriad of professors who were on marriage #s 2,3,4,5, etc and that concerned me.

Last year, when I finished postdoc then had a son, I recall thinking thousands of times how glad I was done with it all prior to having a child, since he took up so much time. Goes both ways, but I'm personally glad I only had to drag my wife (who was also a grad student through a lot of it) through the endless life changes in grad school, and not a whole family dependent on me in a low salary, difficult grad school experience.

 

[affectiveH3art]

Single mother of two children (4 & almost 2). I wish for sleep, especially since all my writing happens at 3AM until the little ones wake up. I feel like I haven't slept in Four years. The grass is always greener on the other side...

 

[CheetahGirl]

Single mother of two children (4 & almost 2). I wish for sleep, especially since all my writing happens at 3AM until the little ones wake up. I feel like I haven't slept in Four years. The grass is always greener on the other side...

I've been meaning to reply to this, affectiveH3art. Wow. Just Wow. You go girl. PM me if you ever need to release some steam and individually commiserate about your balanced dedication. There will be a light at end of the tunnel. I see that light now....it is dim but getting brighter.