Ha, I just found out all of my extended family thinks i'm too dumb fo medschool

[murfettie]

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Edit:
After some discussion, I realized that such perception results from my and my parents' reluctance to broadcast my scores, GPA, and achievements. I admit, I actively avoid commenting on the amount of time i spent studying, and it seems that i'm always traveling or doing something fun.
Gender bias also factors, sadly. Boys' achievements are praised and the girls' are hardly noticed while we had similar scores, got similar amount of scholarships, etc.

Shrug- I see now~ No biggie. I'm over it.

 

[flip26]

A better question may be why do you care what they think? Or why does your "extended family" even know about your plans?

 

[AMOrtho11]

I guess they don't understand that if someone succeeds in something it doesn't mean that it was easy. It just seems like they are being ignorant to me and I wouldn't worry about it, just prove them wrong.

 

[DrMidlife]

Rhetorical question: by "all" of your extended family, do you mean there's one individual who implied something less-than-supportive, and the rest of them are either supportive or neutral, or are repeating what the one individual said?

The answer's not my business. Just relating how it works in my family.

It can be very threatening to a 30-40+ year old with a big delicate ego, who is crippled with debt and maybe child support and maybe some new health problems and maybe a job they don't like and can't quit, to find out that a maybe younger family member (who in the 30/40yo's opinion maybe hasn't earned his/her ego yet) is still able to have dreams, pursue dreams, take risks, etc. Comments from such a 30/40yo are about the 30/40yo, not about the target.

I say **** 'em. Go make it happen.

 

[njbmd]

I just realized today that my extended family is afarid I'll be traumatized when I don't get into med school because I'm too dumb and lazy.

Apparently, I got into one of the best public universities by accident.
Graduated cum laude and debt free with support by accident.
Got a great job by accident.....
I just realized today that I still have about 2 grand of scholarship money that I haven't used yet. Yay!

Real question: Is it better to appear you are working hard?
Do people really start to think that you are just real lucky if you don't whine about all the time you spent on that last final?

Honestly, I try so goddamn hard usually. it puzzles me that all my friends and my family, NOBODY in my life thinks i work hard!

It's not what "they" think but what you "think" that matters. You can't change anyone's "thoughts" except yours.

 

[MedSchoolFool]

To the OP....I know exactly what you are going through. My wife's entire family thought I was a fool for many years as I pursued medical school. Made it clear that all my hard work in college was basically a waste of time to the point that they resented what they saw as sponging off their daughter (my wife). It was discouraging to me, to say the least.

Anyway..flash forward a few years & I'm now in my M2 year..living my dream, loving the privilege of being here...and guess what...they still think I'm a lazy nere-do-well. I've done nothing but work my ***** off ever since they've known me, but because I'm not sweating in the sun or bringing home a paycheck I'm considered a sloth. It sucks, because honestly my wife's family is the only family I have, and sure...I want them to be proud & happy with the life me & my wife have chosen...personally...I think we're doing pretty well, and the future looks great. But some folks are just determined to see the negative in everything.

Anyway....just want to let you know you're not the only one out there getting no credit for all the hard work you put in. But like someone pointed out earlier...in the end it has to be for you because you love what you're doing...a lot of people will just never get it.

For the record, though...my wife is INCREDIBLY supportive of me..always has been...not to say she didn't have some doubts along the way..as did I..but just wish mom, dad, sister, and all the rest would show some support, too...

 

[NonTradMed]

Taunt them with your acceptance letter. 😛

 

[fizzle]

If "everyone" thinks you're lazy, how are you going to get good letters of recommendation? As long as you impress those few key people, you'll be fine.

 

[packofneurons]

A non-supportive family can be discouraging, but I am glad to hear that you are not letting it get in the way of your ambitions.

Sometimes I feel that many people do not know the tedious process of medical school. Maybe you could sit down with your family and explain to them all the hard work you are currently going through? Maybe that will show them.

Seeing that you have graduated debt free, their thoughts seem quite irrational.

 

[murfettie]

To the OP....I know exactly what you are going through. My wife's entire family thought I was a fool for many years as I pursued medical school. Made it clear that all my hard work in college was basically a waste of time to the point that they resented what they saw as sponging off their daughter (my wife). It was discouraging to me, to say the least.

Anyway..flash forward a few years & I'm now in my M2 year..living my dream, loving the privilege of being here...and guess what...they still think I'm a lazy nere-do-well. I've done nothing but work my ***** off ever since they've known me, but because I'm not sweating in the sun or bringing home a paycheck I'm considered a sloth. It sucks, because honestly my wife's family is the only family I have, and sure...I want them to be proud & happy with the life me & my wife have chosen...personally...I think we're doing pretty well, and the future looks great. But some folks are just determined to see the negative in everything.

Anyway....just want to let you know you're not the only one out there getting no credit for all the hard work you put in. But like someone pointed out earlier...in the end it has to be for you because you love what you're doing...a lot of people will just never get it.

For the record, though...my wife is INCREDIBLY supportive of me..always has been...not to say she didn't have some doubts along the way..as did I..but just wish mom, dad, sister, and all the rest would show some support, too...

You are so lucky to have your wife. Your situation is much tougher than mine.
My family is just delusional right now.
They think I'm too old for med school! i'm 23 years old!

 

[murfettie]

Rhetorical question: by "all" of your extended family, do you mean there's one individual who implied something less-than-supportive, and the rest of them are either supportive or neutral, or are repeating what the one individual said?

The answer's not my business. Just relating how it works in my family.

It can be very threatening to a 30-40+ year old with a big delicate ego, who is crippled with debt and maybe child support and maybe some new health problems and maybe a job they don't like and can't quit, to find out that a maybe younger family member (who in the 30/40yo's opinion maybe hasn't earned his/her ego yet) is still able to have dreams, pursue dreams, take risks, etc. Comments from such a 30/40yo are about the 30/40yo, not about the target.

I say **** 'em. Go make it happen.

Hah hah, you guys are so supportive.
Don't worry, I'm not down on this or anything, I'm just very very puzzled.....

 

[Kaya12]

You are so lucky to have your wife. Your situation is much tougher than mine.
My family is just delusional right now.
They think I'm too old for med school! i'm 23 years old!

I'm in the same situation! I think in my case, my family (who don't have much $) see medical school as a big scary financial risk etc. that you have to sign your soul away for just to deal w/ malpractice suits and changing health-care plans... This, is what the media pounds into their ears... Your fam probably don't think you're lazy but want to test if you are "committed enough" according to them. Don't worry, just when they bring it up say 1. This is what I want. 2. If you're not ok with that, then you opinion is unwelcome

😉

 

[murfettie]

actually, after talking to my mom about it, i realized a lot of this sentiment roots from my grandmother, although she retired from teaching college decades ago herself, still has the idea that boys are more valuable than girls. so, whatever i do get dismissed.
also, i don't brag because there are always people out there who can kick my ass.

 

[murfettie]

I'm in the same situation! I think in my case, my family (who don't have much $) see medical school as a big scary financial risk etc. that you have to sign your soul away for just to deal w/ malpractice suits and changing health-care plans... This, is what the media pounds into their ears... Your fam probably don't think you're lazy but want to test if you are "committed enough" according to them. Don't worry, just when they bring it up say 1. This is what I want. 2. If you're not ok with that, then you opinion is unwelcome

😉

they just think all the good things happen to me because i'm so lucky.
--- what?? people are still lending to med school students even during a credit crunch.. showing the low risk associated.

 

[m015094]

they just think all the good things happen to me because i'm so lucky.
--- what?? people are still lending to med school students even during a credit crunch.. showing the low risk associated.

It's quite difficult to ignore the opinions of others, but trust me, sometimes this is must. As long as you are positive about what YOU are doing, then you'll be fine.

Take a look at Albert Ellis' CBT (conitive behavior therapy). His "ABC's" are:
A- Activating event (your families comments)
B- Your Beliefs (the thought that you must seek their approval)
c- Consequences (you not feeling good about not having their approval).

I think that you'll be much more at peace with yourself after a change in your belief that ALL people should like you. This is because ultimately this belief is not practical and will result you feeling bad about yourself.

Hey, this psycho-bable stuff may sound corny, but it worked for me and how I deal with disapproving family members.

 

[ILikeFood]

I just realized today that my extended family is afarid I'll be traumatized when I don't get into med school because I'm too dumb and lazy.

Apparently, I got into one of the best public universities by accident.
Graduated cum laude and debt free with support by accident.
Got a great job by accident.....
I just realized today that I still have about 2 grand of scholarship money that I haven't used yet. Yay!

Real question: Is it better to appear you are working hard?
Do people really start to think that you are just real lucky if you don't whine about all the time you spent on that last final?

Edit: Professionally, academically, professors, employers think highly of me.
My extended family counts because we're 1st generation CHINESE immigrants. My aunts and uncles are the only family we have in this country and given the Chinese culture, extended families count.
They are so well intended that I can't blame them, but I am genuinely puzzled why my family thinks I don't do **** academically? Oh welll~~~
Btw, I'm actually very young.

I want the one minute I spent reading the OP back.

 

[murfettie]

I want the one minute I spent reading the OP back.

it has to be less than 30 seconds...

 

[RemyArgo]

Dude - you're 1 gen. (or 0 gen, dependin'). You will NEVER please them unless you break out the Mao glasses, grab a never-ending supply of candles, study in front of their faces all the time late late late into the night (where they'll try to tempt you to take a break, because, you know- weakness of character just needs a nudge, right ?), and have tons of money to show for it, magically. Of course, you'll need to make lavish and extravagant gestures with that money to show that- hey- you're good. You can't have a social life, or one with people or at times they don't approve of. You'll need to conform to their lifestyle and values, get a wife n' kids ASAP, and start nesting. All while busting out that new B-boy move, cuz hey- thats whats in. heart.

Sorry- that started off as irony then became a rant. 1 gen Korean with immigrant relatives/parents. well, its complicated, but u get my drift.

Anyways, seriously- difference in values, man. Confucian values still do hold their sway, or with Korean society at least. If you're chinese, then depending on when they left, they either saw first-hand the cultural rev. or left family and friends in china during the cultural rev. Prob. came to the US money-poor from a money-poor society. hard times, etc. - they have their effects on human psychology and value systems. plus cultural differences, if you consider urself chinese-american or american. compound that with age differences. they lived in a different time n place, man. i could go on n on, but you prolly know that already.
basacially, they will criticize you with the sunrise, they criticize you during at high noon, they will criticize you during your evening poo. they will whisper bittersweet criticisms while you sleep. they'll pop out of the next train you take, just to critique you. they will peek at you thru open windows to criticize you. chill'n with the gf/bf ? pop ! you should be studying. or making money. or making babies. whichevz. apparently, it builds character. and apparently, im being ridiculous...kinda

anyways, their assessment of your skills wont affect you professionally or academically. (it might land you in an asylum, but hey- thats a different story all together) if you know that its not luck, then keep on' keepin' on.

 

[jeaneous]

I'm too dumb to know that I'm too dumb to get into med school, so I think I'll get in.👍

 

[BacardiGirl]

Friends and family can be non-supportive for different reasons..mine are kind of on the fence not because they think I'm stupid, but more so they worry how I will pay for it and don't want me to become so much into debt that I am homeless. 😛

 

[murfettie]

Dude - you're 1 gen. (or 0 gen, dependin'). You will NEVER please them unless you break out the Mao glasses, grab a never-ending supply of candles, study in front of their faces all the time late late late into the night (where they'll try to tempt you to take a break, because, you know- weakness of character just needs a nudge, right ?), and have tons of money to show for it, magically. Of course, you'll need to make lavish and extravagant gestures with that money to show that- hey- you're good. You can't have a social life, or one with people or at times they don't approve of. You'll need to conform to their lifestyle and values, get a wife n' kids ASAP, and start nesting. All while busting out that new B-boy move, cuz hey- thats whats in. heart.

Sorry- that started off as irony then became a rant. 1 gen Korean with immigrant relatives/parents. well, its complicated, but u get my drift.

Anyways, seriously- difference in values, man. Confucian values still do hold their sway, or with Korean society at least. If you're chinese, then depending on when they left, they either saw first-hand the cultural rev. or left family and friends in china during the cultural rev. Prob. came to the US money-poor from a money-poor society. hard times, etc. - they have their effects on human psychology and value systems. plus cultural differences, if you consider urself chinese-american or american. compound that with age differences. they lived in a different time n place, man. i could go on n on, but you prolly know that already.
basacially, they will criticize you with the sunrise, they criticize you during at high noon, they will criticize you during your evening poo. they will whisper bittersweet criticisms while you sleep. they'll pop out of the next train you take, just to critique you. they will peek at you thru open windows to criticize you. chill'n with the gf/bf ? pop ! you should be studying. or making money. or making babies. whichevz. apparently, it builds character. and apparently, im being ridiculous...kinda

anyways, their assessment of your skills wont affect you professionally or academically. (it might land you in an asylum, but hey- thats a different story all together) if you know that its not luck, then keep on' keepin' on.

i guess i'm technically 1.5 gen (according to an asian american studies major friend). .... dude, you are so funny, kinda ridiculous, yeah, but funny. i know the drift.
oh, another thing you forgot "the comparision of children" contest.

 

[catnip7]

I am Asian too (first generation too) and have Asian parents (duh, I know) and I've kind of gotten used to the back-handed compliments. It's a way to keep you humble and also to make you do better by making you doubt yourself. Psychological warfare, I tell ya. ;-P Don't get discouraged. They really do care about you.

 

[eggtart]

in asia

the trend is somewhat - education, work, buy a car, buy a house, get married, have kids, raise the kids, pension, wait for a hospital stay and die

if you're in your mid 30s and you're just starting your med school

you'll received comments such as

1) you crazy
2) you've got too much money?
3) when are you gonna make money? or have a family?

there's very little encouragement for furthering education

so guys

consider yourself very lucky to be able to do what you want

oh yes, 23 is NEVER too old to study med

 

[BacardiGirl]

in asia

the trend is somewhat - education, work, buy a car, buy a house, get married, have kids, raise the kids, pension, wait for a hospital stay and die

if you're in your mid 30s and you're just starting your med school

you'll received comments such as

1) you crazy
2) you've got too much money?
3) when are you gonna make money? or have a family?

there's very little encouragement for furthering education

so guys

consider yourself very lucky to be able to do what you want

oh yes, 23 is NEVER too old to study med

LOl doesn't sound too different than the sterotypical American household: graduate from High school, go to college, graduate from college, get a job, get married, have some kids, raise them, retire, die. I try to sway away from the norm, as I have just worked since graduating from college...in a serious relationship, but I do not want to get married or have kids..so that is why furthering my education seems obvious.

 

[eggtart]

when i first started my med school

none of my family members supported me, except for my wife

and some of the words said to me were not the best thing you wanna listen to

but who cares...

it's my life

and i was 30 when i started my med school and i'm in a 5 yrs prog

 

[murfettie]

I am Asian too (first generation too) and have Asian parents (duh, I know) and I've kind of gotten used to the back-handed compliments. It's a way to keep you humble and also to make you do better by making you doubt yourself. Psychological warfare, I tell ya. ;-P Don't get discouraged. They really do care about you.

they really do care about you

 

[Law2Doc]

I just realized today that my extended family is afarid I'll be traumatized when I don't get into med school because I'm too dumb and lazy.

I'm not sure what you want to hear from the folks on this board -- but your family knows you a whole lot better than we do. If you come off as dumb/lazy, that is something you need to fix before you go down the medicine route. This field is all about subjective evaluations, starting from an interview heavy admissions process, to clerkship evaluations, to LORs, and then to word of mouth business once you hit practice. Perception is reality in medicine -- if folks think you are sharp and hardworking, then you are going to get treated that way. If the converse, you will have a hard time of it. Fix this.

 

[murfettie]

I'm not sure what you want to hear from the folks on this board -- but your family knows you a whole lot better than we do. If you come off as dumb/lazy, that is something you need to fix before you go down the medicine route. This field is all about subjective evaluations, starting from an interview heavy admissions process, to clerkship evaluations, to LORs, and then to word of mouth business once you hit practice. Perception is reality in medicine -- if folks think you are sharp and hardworking, then you are going to get treated that way. If the converse, you will have a hard time of it. Fix this.

Well, my family think 90 percentile on a standarized test is tolerable.
Actually say things like "What happened to that 10 points on the SAT? How come you didn't get 1600?" (Not me, but a cousin of mine).
Learning to not be so hard on myself is actually the lesson I need to learn.
But you are right, I sometimes pretend things aren't hard, when in fact, I spent a lot of time working on it. There is no need to hide.

 

[ELECTROLITE80]

Hi There:

My mother has flat out told me that I shouldn't consider medicine, that at my age, 28, I need to stop taking classes and thinking about other things, meaning getting married and having kids. Even growing up, when I told her I wanted to be an ob/gyn, she told me "you haven't proven to me that you can do it." Me being naive at the time, believed what she said and never pursued medicine.

Now, I know I was wrong for letting her comments freeze my desire to become a doctor. As much as it may sound harsh, now that I'm an adult, when she started on these tangents, I'd put the phone down and get on the phone and say "okay" when she paused. Now, I don't tell her anything. One thing I've come to realize is once you become an adult, what your family matters doesn't matter because you are independent and are doing what is best for you. Even if that means not telling them anything until you are accepted, so be it. You have to do what you need to do to keep yourself focused and not bring you down.

 

[Bleurberry]

Hi There:

My mother has flat out told me that I shouldn't consider medicine, that at my age, 28, I need to stop taking classes and thinking about other things, meaning getting married and having kids. Even growing up, when I told her I wanted to be an ob/gyn, she told me "you haven't proven to me that you can do it." Me being naive at the time, believed what she said and never pursued medicine.

Now, I know I was wrong for letting her comments freeze my desire to become a doctor. As much as it may sound harsh, now that I'm an adult, when she started on these tangents, I'd put the phone down and get on the phone and say "okay" when she paused. Now, I don't tell her anything. One thing I've come to realize is once you become an adult, what your family matters doesn't matter because you are independent and are doing what is best for you. Even if that means not telling them anything until you are accepted, so be it. You have to do what you need to do to keep yourself focused and not bring you down.

I'm 30 and just got accepted, for context.
I dread the idea that my future in-laws would approach my pursuit of a medical degree in a similar manner. If they do, it'd be a terrible blow to my relationship, since my girlfriend and her parents are so close and I want to be a healthy addition to the family. That aside, barring outright refusal to listen, I'm pretty confident of my ability to make them see the light of things. Granted the cynical approach of looking at the world in terms of time lost and wasted investment potential, there's still a huge upside for 30 and even 40 somethings to pursue a medical degree, in my opinion. Any rudimentary investment course will teach you that your education is the most precious asset investment you can make. So you inherit a mortgage-sized debt after you graduate? You also inherit a wealth of opportunity, skill, and job security, and you don't need to hire a home inspector to ensure you of the sturdiness of your foundation. Couple that with a passion for giving your all to the population you serve, you'll rectify your bottom line before you know it, and it won't be at the expense of years of tedium.

 

[Goober]

i guess i'm technically 1.5 gen (according to an asian american studies major friend). .... dude, you are so funny, kinda ridiculous, yeah, but funny. i know the drift.
oh, another thing you forgot "the comparision of children" contest.

Hmm you have strange Asian parents. Most of the ones I know are pushing their kids for med school regardless of age or even actual ability. One woman I know was rejected 3 times over the course about 7-8 years. She was in her 30's and her mom was still telling her it was not too late. Her parents basically invested all they had and moved to this country so her kids would could become doctors here(seriously). Funny thing now is she has her own kids and she is doing the same thing her parents did to her. Kind of sad.

 

[dragonfly99]

murfettie,
I would ignore lawdoc's comment.
Agree w/other comments above...this sounds like a typical "Chinese parents" response (or other Asian parents). Not that I am Asian or Asian-american but I have many friends who are. Their way of showing love is by pushing and pushing their kids to achieve, but not giving too much praise because they don't want the kid to become egotistical. The problem is that sometimes they make the kids(s) insecure because of the constant pushing and criticism.

I think what you should do is figure out if medicine is what YOU want. If so, then it sounds like you are the type who'd have a good chance of getting in (sounds like full ride undergrad scholarship and good grades, etc.). You might not get very far with trying to figure out your extended family's opposition. If you are female, it might in fact be some sexism that is at play...you cannot change them, only love them (assuming they are otherwise nice people) and try to ignore their attitudes about appropriate careers for women. Good luck with whatever you decide to do...but I seriously wouldn't spend a lot of time stressing over this any more than you have to. Oh, and 23 is NOT old at all...the average age at many med schools is 25 or so.

 

[arhorton84]

I'm too dumb to know that I'm too dumb to get into med school, so I think I'll get in.👍

I love it. Both my brothers are doctors and they aren't supportive at all do to my partying in undergrad. However, I've grown up, and maybe the fact that i'm so naive will benefit me. Just think about Elle Woods in legally blonde, "Like its hard?"

 

[Orthodoc40]

Too dumb or too lazy??
It doesn't take a huge amount of intelligence to get into or graduate from medical school. It does take a helluva lot of committment and work, however.

 

[The Clash]

The fact of the matter is, if you were (are) able to get through an intensive undergrad, and all the requirements for medical school (ORGO) with a competitive GPA, then you have accomplished more than most people ever do! But you did make the comment that you find yourself having fun, is this instead of studying? If that's the case, I would ask yourself if medical school, internship and the residency that follows will be too constricting for your lifestyle. The way I knew I was ready for this was the fact that I was willing to dedicate my ENTIRE life to learning about medicine, even if it meant giving up EVERYTHING. The people in your extended family sound unsupportive and negative, and misery loves company. If you have a dream and a goal, don't let anyone steal it from you, reach for the stars baby!!🙂
As a woman I understand what you mean about the double standard, and I have a friend who's family sounds disturbingly similar to your own. Unfortunately, they discouraged her so much, that they have turned her into an extremely negative and depressed person, without the confidence to even believe in herself. At some point you need to take some time for sincere personal reflection; and if medicine is what you truly want, stop listening to anyone but yourself. I believe that one of the most important parts to gaining acceptance to medical school is confidence.

 

[BitingPlates]

Granted the cynical approach of looking at the world in terms of time lost and wasted investment potential, there's still a huge upside for 30 and even 40 somethings to pursue a medical degree, in my opinion. Any rudimentary investment course will teach you that your education is the most precious asset investment you can make. So you inherit a mortgage-sized debt after you graduate? You also inherit a wealth of opportunity, skill, and job security, and you don't need to hire a home inspector to ensure you of the sturdiness of your foundation. Couple that with a passion for giving your all to the population you serve, you'll rectify your bottom line before you know it, and it won't be at the expense of years of tedium.

Well said. I am 31 and I feel the same way.