Bad_Personality: Do not give up. You can change your personality over time. You can become the person you want to be and have the relationships you want to have without changing your fundamental morality and style. I was inspired recently by a wonderful book by Dale Carnegie:
How to win friends and influence people (amazon link). I found it incredibly helpful and suggest that you purchase/read it immediately!
Here is an outline below with my comments in brackets:
fundamental techniques in handling people endorsed by the book:
1) Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
[This is the single most important principle in social interaction. I have learned lately to error on the side of conservatism. In other words, when I am frustrated and feel the instinctive desire to criticize, condemn, or complain, I just remain silent until I am in a better frame of mind. Criticism puts the other person on the defensive and is usually counterproductive-there are some exceptions in section 4. A key to avoiding criticism or to avoid using it appropriately is to imagine how the person will react to your words before you utter them. Think from the other person's perspective.]
2) Give honest, sincere appreciation.
[I have always had appreciation for those around me, but I have rarely bothered to show it. I am not a naturally affectionate person. But in the spirt of thinking from the other person's perspective, I have learned that getting in the habit of giving sincere appreciation significantly improves rapport with acquantainces. One of my female classmates recently said to me, "I thought you were arrogant until I got to know you better." In my small discussion group, I have made an effort to think of the things that I like most about my groupmates and to mention them during evaluation periods. The result has been a more relaxed and enjoyable mood in discussion with increased communication and productivity. I did all of this without speaking a single false word. My comments were not mere flattery. They were genuine. They were sincere. they were from the heart.]
3) Arouse in the ohter person an eager want.
[This is a more advanced technique that I plan to work on in the future]
#2 is accompanied by a classic quotation: "Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise."
II: Six ways to make people like you:
1) Become genuinely interested in other people.
[Take a look at #4 in this section and #6 in the next section as well. Previously, I had a very bad habit of talking about myself, my goals, my interests, and my opinions nonstop with little concern or interest in the lives of others. I never realized until now that people are far more interested in themselves than they are in me. Recently, I encouraged a 2nd year student to expound upon some of his political experiences. I was rather impressed when he told me that he met the two Pennslyvania senators. I was also impressed by the organizations he had started, and I told him so. I was "lavish in my approbation and hearty in my praise." He began to brag unhesitantly with a huge smile on his face. Is he arrogant by nature? Does he have a superiority complex? Not at all. He is a very nice guy who happened to be in a particularly proud mood. He just needed an outlet. He just wanted someone to listen to him and to appreciate his accomplishments. I was that someone, and now, our relationship is slightly stronger.]
2) Smile
[This technique is a powerful one. The key is sincerity. A blind man can spot a fake smile ten miles away and through a brick wall. Don't feel the need to smile when you are exceptionally depressed or anxious. Smile under normal circumstances to show your genuine friendliness towards someone. No amount of knowledge or intelligence can match a million-dollar-smile in the realm of personal relationships. There is an individual on this forum who has much difficulty smiling. I met him in person, and he told me that at one point, he practiced facial expressions in front of the mirror with limited success. I feel a great deal of sympathy/empathy for this person because the ability to form a genuine smile is of tremendous importance in social interaction. I wish this person the best of luck, and to those of you who can smile, remember to do it often.
🙂 ]
3) Remember that a person's name to that person is the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
[I have made an explicit effort to remember names of new people whom I meet. I call clerks, janitors, and receptionists by first name when possible]
4) Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5) Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
6) Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.
III: Win people to your way of thinking.
1) The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it.
[I would be far better off if I had learned this lesson ten years ago. I used to be the sort of person to argue continuously. I derived incredible pleasure from challenging views and putting people to the test. Now, I realize that the assumption that humans are logical and rational is the fallacy of ancient philsophy. Humans are not in their own phylum with respects to the powers of the mind. Humans are capricious and emotional. They are motivated by pride and ego. They buy the most abundant resource on the planet when it falls from the sky and spend an amount of money on shiny rocks that could easily save ten lives. Many humans outright deny the desire to discover truth. Why argue with these people? It would be like arguing with a madman. Instead, think carefully about how your oponent will react. Try to understand his perspective. Know that people tend to make reasonable decisions given their knowledge, intelligence, and goals. It is only valuable to argue with someone with whom you have already developed trust, mutual affinity, and a resistance to dispute.]
2) Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, "you're wrong."
3) If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
[The other day, I used this technique to perfection. I was late in solving a problem for my discussion group, and as I presented the solution, I apologized immediately and emphatically. I took complete responsibility, and gave a reason for why my belatedness was unacceptable. So what happened? Did they pounce on me like tigers, scorning me to rub salt in the wounds? On the contrary! They defended me and told me that I had nothing for which to apologize.]
4) Begin in a friendly way.
5) Get the other person saying "yes, yes" immediately
6) Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7) Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
[I have used this technique a few times. If a student in my group provides a vague description of an aspect of medical science, I will fill in the details (when I can) while giving the original student credit for inspiring the discussion.]
8) Try honestly to see things from the other person's point of view.
9) Be sympathetic with the other person's idea and desires.
10) Appeal to the nobler motives.
11) Dramatize your ideas.
12) Throw down a challenge.
IV Leadership techniques:
1) Begin with praise and honest appreciation
2) Call attention to people's mistakes indirectly
3) Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
4) Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
5) Let the other person save face
[Everyone at some point feels the desire to finish off a rival. Few things are more satisfying than thrusting a knife into the heart of an enemy. But Don't do it! Don't ever ever do it! In seconds of humiliation, you can dig profound wounds into an individual and seed a lifetime of hatred towards you in his soul. On the contrary, if you call out an individual's error subtly, adroitly, and with tact, he will remember it, and he will forever be greatful.]
6) Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement
7) Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8) Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9) Make the other person happy about doing the thing your suggest.
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I still have much to learn, but I am making significant progress. I make sure to keep the outline above with me most of the time so that I can refer to it for inspiration. Often, I repeat the key rules and quotations in my head ("Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise," "Don't criticize, complain, or condemn."). In the above outline, I have not done the book justice. The actual book is very well written and utilizes copious real-life examples. I encourage anyone who feels that he needs to improve his social skills to look into it.
