helping understand minds

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I was never what you would call a sociable person even at anearly age. I had some friends but a whole lot. Some of the only memories I haveleft from primary school where of a different little boy who didn’t understandhis place. Anything past grade 6 is gone from my mind for reasons I do not know.In high school I was in a small group of outcasts but never really fit in. It wasthere that I met my now fiancé. I was bullied by most of the students and wasgiven no way to stop the abuse while at home my parents were splitting due tohis drinking and violence. It was hard on my mother and she was distant to usbecause of it. Some months after this we were able to visit my father in hiscaravan and then unit. Due to my mother’s attitude and my father’s good naturewhen I went over I decided to move in with my dad. We moved a few times overthe next year and I started not going to school because of the bulling and justlaziness in my part. In the next school year I was in year 9 and was having thesame problems at school and I’m assuming my dad was having a hard time as well.Now from the end of primary school to midyear 9 I have only a handful of memoriesleft so I’m piecing allot of this on my knowledge mixed with what I have been told.Around that time I have been told that my father was starting to get drunk andpush me around a little and treat me as a worthless slave. But to that I cannotsay. It was during that year that I started secluding myself and shunned theother students. It was also during that year that the bullies got past myfogging off what they did to me and I fought back for the first time. The personI fought back to I broke the back of their skull open by smashing their head ona window sill. It was put down as provoked and I got suspended for a few weeks.The end of year 10 came around and my father finally listens to me about theconditions at school and moved me to another in the area with an even worsereputation. Due to a loss of paper work when I was moved to the other school Iwas automatically passed to year 10. While at the new school I hung around the Gothsand first started smoking I was not popular but still had people I could talkto if they weren’t talking to someone else or doing something else that is. I startedsmoking weed as well around then too but only at one of the Goths house thatwas close to a youth group I was forced to attend (I’m not sure why that is noone knows). All year I took days off and generally did very little at school sowhen the end of year came around I had failed. My father lost it but at thesame time my mother had moved to the other side of the city and my fatherdecided to follow her over and have a fresh start. At the new school over theother side of the city I found a new group to hang around ’ the smokers’ and Igot into smoking real big and due to the stash my father had that my uncle gavehim I had a near unlimited supply to smoke. I started to give it out to helpmake friends and it worked to some degree. It was there that I finally lost my virginitywith a girl who lived down the road and was in my class. By the time the yearhad gone by I was sure that I had failed for the same reasons as the previousyear. I had no idea at what to do and stressed about it. Due to the stress Ihad a minor fight with my father I where I threw him down a couple of steps andtold him to never push me around again. It was after that point that I found myway to avoid the problem of failing. I went to my girlfriend and told her ofhow my father and I had another fight and exaggerated the fight and she camewith me to social services and we told them about how bad he was. My mother andsister also told the people that he was really angry and violent. I am stillnot sure why they did because they as well as my girlfriend had no idea aboutmy plan. I was moved into a homeless youth refuge and descended into moreseclusion from the people around me and started going and getting high andgoing out and getting drunk and causing trouble. From there I went to a longterm youth housing and continued doing the same as above. During that time I descendedinto depression and tried to commit suicide 2 times but I have a feeling thatthey where a call for attention. Though they both ended in a hospital stay Iwas able to talk my way out in a day or 2. I also started cutting my skin on myarm around the same time and still have the scars from it to this day. After a few years I was about 21 or 22 and Iwas kicked out for something I or any other others had not done. My mother wascontacted and she finally lost it at all that I was able to do to myself andblamed the youth housing for allowing it to happen and put me on her couch fora few weeks until one of her neighbours had told her that he was looking for someoneto fill a job at the warehouse he was manager at. So I started working the 3.30to 11.30 shift as a casual so I had a fair amount of money. My older sister hada unit with a spare room so as long as I paid her and still worked I was ableto have a room with her. Without my mother around I was able to start smokingas much as I wanted, so I did allot. I was at around 7 grams every 2 days (moreon the weekend) and a six-pack a day and this was just before and after work. Overthe next few years I went full time and moved a few times in and out withfriends and a girlfriend that ended badly. It was around that time that I toldmy 1 and only friend from when I first went into long term youth housing that Iwas interested in the ‘ life ‘ the allthe ordinary people on the TV had. It was while online on a facebook that I sawmy old girlfriend on the people you may know. So we started talking and I movedover to the other side of the city that I had started in to have a job with herfather who owns his own business was well on my way to having a normal life. Evenif I can’t really feel love and remorse and a few other emotions that I know of(due to untreated anti-social personality disorder if I am reading the psychologytext books correctly) but then again it could be medical student syndrome so it’shard to tell. I have just proposed and brought a house so it’s nearly at thepoint that I have a normal life. And I’m sure my partner has no idea about anyof this. So that is my story. I have no interest in having any medication ortelling anyone in my life about any of the lies that make my life. But it feelsgood to tell the truth about it all for a change. If anyone has questions aboutmy life and me feel free. And please note that I have omitted allot of detailsof the mirage of other things I have done, feel or am that I don’t feel safewriting down.

 

[futureapppsy2]

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