Hi guys! In desperate need of Personal Statement Reviewers!

[emmyeccentric]

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Thank you for any constructive criticism, and I'd be happy to read yours as well. I'll send upon request.

 

[freak7]

1) Don't post your PS directly to the public forum.
2) Consider changing your profile pic to protect your anonymity.

 

[AnonPanda1]

I agree with @freak7.

Some of your sentences are wordy. You should focus on fewer stories but better developed ones. You talk a lot but don't show much. Good luck with your PS!

 

[emmyeccentric]

1) Don't post your PS directly to the public forum.
2) Consider changing your profile pic to protect your anonymity.

I am literally so new at this. I don't even use reddit or anything similar. Dana Scully it is. Thank you!

 

[freak7]

I am literally so new at this. I don't even use reddit or anything similar. Dana Scully it is. Thank you!

No prob. Happy to help.

 

[coffeeandcodeine]

Hi! I'd like to add my comments, with the caveat that I am simply an accepted applicant, not an adcom.

I think your essay does some things really well -- you bring in numerous personal experiences that tie you to medicine, and you use them to explain your passion for the field. You mention your clinical volunteer work, and you have a clearly defined focus/passion within medicine that relates to these clinical/volunteering experiences.

Now for the things I think you could change. I think you can run with the 'story' framework if you want to, but in its current form, your essay is a little too flowery. It should be concise, to the point. IMO, descriptions like "waves and bumps on the pelvis" are excessive and unnecessary. Adcoms read thousands of essays -- they want you to get to the point. Evoke emotion, but don't be overly dramatic.

Also, the way you end the statement is a little uncomfortable -- saying "your illustrious institution" is overselling, and sounds a little bit like kissing a**. It comes off as insincere as well, since adcoms will know that you are saying this to every school you apply to. I think it would be stronger if you ended with the sentence "As a passionate individual, this is the only demonstration and motivation I need to be unwaveringly sure that I belong in this career." This leaves adcoms thinking about what a good fit you are for medicine, which is the point of the statement. You can use the secondaries to convince them that you are a good fit for their school.

These are just suggestions, so feel free to ignore them. Your personal statement should really be a reflection of your individual personality and passion for medicine, so craft it in a way that you feel is true to yourself. I'm happy to provide additional comments, if you would like, but these are the main things that stood out to me -- I hope some of them are helpful! Good luck 🙂

 

[Ismet]

Personal statement reader list: https://forums.studentdoctor.net/th...ment-guide-and-reader-list-2016-2017.1178488/

 

[emmyeccentric]

Hi! I'd like to add my comments, with the caveat that I am simply an accepted applicant, not an adcom.

I think your essay does some things really well -- you bring in numerous personal experiences that tie you to medicine, and you use them to explain your passion for the field. You mention your clinical volunteer work, and you have a clearly defined focus/passion within medicine that relates to these clinical/volunteering experiences.

Now for the things I think you could change. I think you can run with the 'story' framework if you want to, but in its current form, your essay is a little too flowery. It should be concise, to the point. IMO, descriptions like "waves and bumps on the pelvis" are excessive and unnecessary. Adcoms read thousands of essays -- they want you to get to the point. Evoke emotion, but don't be overly dramatic.

Also, the way you end the statement is a little uncomfortable -- saying "your illustrious institution" is overselling, and sounds a little bit like kissing a**. It comes off as insincere as well, since adcoms will know that you are saying this to every school you apply to. I think it would be stronger if you ended with the sentence "As a passionate individual, this is the only demonstration and motivation I need to be unwaveringly sure that I belong in this career." This leaves adcoms thinking about what a good fit you are for medicine, which is the point of the statement. You can use the secondaries to convince them that you are a good fit for their school.

These are just suggestions, so feel free to ignore them. Your personal statement should really be a reflection of your individual personality and passion for medicine, so craft it in a way that you feel is true to yourself. I'm happy to provide additional comments, if you would like, but these are the main things that stood out to me -- I hope some of them are helpful! Good luck 🙂

THANK YOU for such detailed concrit. One more question, (and it may sound stupid), is it still okay to end with a simple "thank you"?