how hard is it...

[MDgonnabe]

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...for surgery residents in academic programs to start and maintain long-term, serious relationships?

discuss.

 

[fourthyear]

Depends on how much time and attention the other person requires to be happy in the relationship.

I was married before residency and for me maintaining the relationship isn't as hard as I imagine building a new one would be...but lots of people I know have met their special someone during surgery residency, so it is definitely possible to start new long-term relationships with the right person.

The main thing is the other person has to have other interests, other hobbies, other support people in thier life - friends, family, etc, to keep them busy and happy when you are not around. If you have a person who expects you to be home a certain hour every night or always expects a call every night you are on call no matter what, or will get upset if you come home Friday night and just want to sleep instead of taking them out...well, there's no way they'll be happy with a surgery resident. We just can't committ to every promise and often do miss out on plans due to unexpected things coming up at work. If you are with someone who understands this and is flexible with plans enough to work around this sometimes unpredictable schedule (and fill some of their time with other people or interests when you are not around at all), you can have a great long-term relationship in residency.

You also have to do your part to make sure the other person feels appreciated for all they do, respect their job and interests, take part in things that are important to them when you do have time together. There is time for this, but you jut have to make it a priority.

 

[MDgonnabe]

yes, it seems like most of the residents at my school's program go into it already married (if not with kids), or end up living a life of monastic dedication to surgery-- which is actually i'd imagine what some guys would prefer, and more power to them! i guess i was more curious about the whole starting a relationship issue. i seem to go for surgeons above all other medical professionals. it's hard, though. you show interest and, because of the time constraints with their work hours, it's far too easy to come off as either totally uninterested or stalkerish and desiring to take up all their breathing time-- which is the absolute last thing i'd want. heck, i need my space too! so it seems like most of them end up with people who're in the hospital all day long; otherwise how could they ever possibly get to know anyone well?

 

[Winged Scapula]

Single case study but...I met my long term BF during my first month of surgical internship and we're still together after 4+ years.

 

[toofache32]

I sometimes randomly send flowers to my wife at home for no special occasion. This is easy to do and buys you some serious points.

 

[Blade28]

A bunch of us (in my intern class) are single. We're a fairly young class, so we all try to go out when we can and socialize, meet other people, etc. Got to try hard to keep social (it's easy to always just go home and crash).

 

[MDgonnabe]

Kimberli, is your SO also a surgeon or surg resident? i seem to remember that for some reason. if that's the case, didn't it feel weird to be dating a co-worker?


toofache32, you make me sick! 😉 but seriously, that's sweet of you. what does your wife do when you're away for so many hours?


Blade28, what're your hours like? call schedule? i can't even imagine wanting to attempt socializing if i were a resident at my school's program. they work like slaves. q3 on trauma and sicu, 30+ hour shifts. and when they're on call, not a single minute of sleep. there's a new night float system, which seems to have helped when they do gen surg. but the vast majority of the residents still seem to wander around like zombies. there's one resident in particular whom i'd really like to get to know better. we met last year when he was beginning internship. he was nice enough to have given me his pager number. but every single time i see him around, he's rounding, or putting in urgent orders, or rounding, or doing some procedure, or rounding... did i mention rounding? 🙂 i can barely catch him around long enough to say one sentence to him. bah!

 

[toofache32]

toofache32, you make me sick! 😉 but seriously, that's sweet of you. what does your wife do when you're away for so many hours?

Who knows. She's probably out finding a real man...

 

[MDgonnabe]

Who knows. She's probably out finding a real man...

<scanning for sarcasm>

<RESULTS: inconclusive>

you better be joking! absence makes the heart grow fonder! and what is a "real man" anyway? some dork who sits on his arse chugging beer while watching tv all weekend, or someone doing what you're doing?

 

[toofache32]

and what is a "real man" anyway? some dork who sits on his arse chugging beer while watching tv all weekend, or someone doing what you're doing?

ummmmm.....but that is what I do on weekends....

 

[MDgonnabe]

ummmmm.....but that is what I do on weekends....

d'oh! meant to type "week" not "weekend." sowee. 🙂 at any rate, assuming you're in the medical field, you're more than entitled to take time off. i just don't understand what you meant by "real man."

 

[Blade28]

Blade28, what're your hours like? call schedule? i can't even imagine wanting to attempt socializing if i were a resident at my school's program. they work like slaves. q3 on trauma and sicu, 30+ hour shifts. and when they're on call, not a single minute of sleep. there's a new night float system, which seems to have helped when they do gen surg. but the vast majority of the residents still seem to wander around like zombies.

No night float system here. Call is either Q3 or Q4 for most of residency. We tend to push 80 hr/wk (hard to be under 80 hours). 30 hours per call shift is about the norm.

We try to socialize when we can - usually this is when we're post-call (after a good nap), on your day off, or any other day when you're not pre-call. Then there are people like me, who try to go out any day the opportunity presents itself, even if i'm pre-call, post-call, whatever. 🙂

 

[toofache32]

i just don't understand what you meant by "real man."

Here's a picture of me. Maybe this will help:

 

[MDgonnabe]

Here's a picture of me. Maybe this will help:

aaaaah! so you cut your manhood off to grow a mullet! 😉

 

[toofache32]

aaaaah! so you cut your manhood off to grow a mullet! 😉

My mullet IS my manhood baby!

 

[lovemydrhubby]

I agree with most everything fourthyear said...although I have to agree with toofache too! I'd love flowers!

Also agree with what you said- it does seem like alot of medical students/residents date each other. It's just easier sometimes when someone knows "your world" better. I'd say that would be a good place to start- hang out with fellow residents - even in other programs. You can meet people through them if there is no one particular that catches your eye. If everyone brings one or two friends out during a Happy Hour that's alot to meet! I think the first couple months, while you are getting to know someone, would be the hardest. (even if both people knew there would be limited time due to hectic schedules)

I don't have experience with dating during med school/residency. We have been together since my husband was a Jr. Premed and have been married 1.5 yrs. I know his single classmates are able to go out now and then and meet people. Most are not looking for anything too serious right now though since they are focused on residency.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Kimberli, is your SO also a surgeon or surg resident? i seem to remember that for some reason. if that's the case, didn't it feel weird to be dating a co-worker?

He's now an attending surgeon at a different hospital. When I met him my intern year he was a 3rd year surgical resident doing a visiting rotation at my program - so while we were in the same vicinity, it wasn't as if we were co-workers. On that note however, a few of my colleagues have met their wives here - either nurses or residents in other specialities.