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How to deal with unsupportive family members?
- Thread starter dzessika
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deleted480308
1. Pay rent.
Your mother is single momming an adult right now and that adult living for free while pursuing what's percieved as a glamorous life could be annoying/stressful to her. If you are fully paying your own way at home you can move out without changing you budget if she won't calm down.
2. Stop bringing it up.
If she doesn't want to talk about it, don't make her
Your mother is single momming an adult right now and that adult living for free while pursuing what's percieved as a glamorous life could be annoying/stressful to her. If you are fully paying your own way at home you can move out without changing you budget if she won't calm down.
2. Stop bringing it up.
If she doesn't want to talk about it, don't make her
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I think most of us on here have received a ton (maybe even too much) of encouragement from our parents to become physicians. After all, it's a socially prestigious, high-paying job with some of the highest reported rates of job satisfaction in some specialties. Yes, school and residency will put you behind your peers for a few years, but in the end becoming a physician will almost always win as the most lucrative and stable career.
What year are you, and will you be depending on your mom for assistance with taking the MCAT/applying to medical school (both are very expensive)? If it's not something that needs to be addressed then I'd say drop it. I know you may want validation from her, but at this point it's not worth it to push. Find your support and encouragement from your friends. If anything, this will make for a compelling personal statement/challenges faced essay.
What year are you, and will you be depending on your mom for assistance with taking the MCAT/applying to medical school (both are very expensive)? If it's not something that needs to be addressed then I'd say drop it. I know you may want validation from her, but at this point it's not worth it to push. Find your support and encouragement from your friends. If anything, this will make for a compelling personal statement/challenges faced essay.
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What does your mom think of when she thinks of "my daughter the doctor"? Does she think that you of the cost of school and the debt you'll take on? Is she thinking of the years that she won't see you as you study and later work 80 hour weeks for years and years? Does she think that you'll be a childless spinster and that she won't be a grandmother? Does she think that you will be exposed to ugly and dangerous situations, or that you will drift away from your roots? Does your desire to go back to a rural area conflict with her desire to get you out of that backwater and into a more suburban lifestyle? Is she afraid that you will fail and be a burden on her?
She may have expected you at your age (an age when most students are finishing college) to be out earning a paycheck and becoming an independent adult. Your desire to be a student for another six to eight years and to be in training for years after that may not what she was expecting and may seem to her to be a failure to be a "grown-up" on the timetable she expected.
I'm not justifying her point of view, just laying it out there.
She may have expected you at your age (an age when most students are finishing college) to be out earning a paycheck and becoming an independent adult. Your desire to be a student for another six to eight years and to be in training for years after that may not what she was expecting and may seem to her to be a failure to be a "grown-up" on the timetable she expected.
I'm not justifying her point of view, just laying it out there.
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deleted480308
If you own the house and make the money you actually do decide where you live...you also choose who lives with you...and you choose your career path. Choose what you want.
You don't need to talk to mom about it, you don't need to convince her. Just do what you want
Ah you're fine then. Take a major that gives you a Plan B and you'll be fine. If you get accepted into med school I doubt that she'll object. If not though, she might be ticked if you come out with a biology degree haha.
Engineering
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Do you have any idea of why she may not be happy about you becoming a doctor? I know she probably doesn't want to talk about it but I think you could probably get her perspective from someone else. Do you have relatives living around you? Is it possible to get an idea from them?
Major, you could of course go for a career though.
That depends on your school. I'd doubt that many other than chem and the bio ones would work though. Just look up the degree sheets and try to make a 4 year schedule.
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I totally understand how it feels w/o relatives around I'm a first-gen immigrant. Would you mind sharing what those experiences were so maybe people could provide better advice?
Idk about your family's background but does she go to church or something like that? Does she have friends that she talks to on a regular basis?
It is definitely possible to take the prerequisite courses while studying engineering.
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Since you're starting your sophomore year I think you still have some time to figure this out with her. Like what people have suggested I think an engineering major would probably be a good idea. If you're worried about pre-reqs then major in biomedical engineering or sth similar, unless you really don't want to. Do be aware that keeping up your GPA as an engineer might be more difficult depending on your school's program. Take a year or two off if you need. If medicine is what you're truly passionate about then don't give up. This is about your future career.
That's really unfortunate that your mother had to go through that. I think this would be a good experience to bring up on your PS or interview. Working full time, getting good grades and supporting your mother that's impressive. I really hope you can work it out with her.
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I'm experiencing some transference/countertransference here
check out Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families, like the website, maybe check out a meeting, see if it's for you
"take what you need leave the rest"
this just smacks of enmeshment and parentalization
your mom's points aren't pointless, BTW, but it's more the family dynamics around this that concern me than whether or not she's right
trust me OP, if you go into medicine, the above topics are not wasted reading and will either help you in that career,
or may even help you resolve the issues for yourself (meaning you may not reconcile with your mom as much as with this situation),
or help you pick a better field
I think you need to sort this out because as much as I prefer candidates/docs with backgrounds that make them more empathetic to the daily scooping of human manure that is medicine, I think it's important not to just go to med school because of personal axes you have to grind. Sharpen them and then put them up.
As much as I say that we don't tolerate normal human weakness/illness in doctors as a profession, I have to say, in some ways we're just as psychologically dysfunctional, possibly unhappy & damaged as any patient dying of lifestyle choices in our wards. It's just that our damage does a net good for OTHERS, therefore the seemingly functional dysfunctional traits are usually encouraged. If you check out the organization and psych topics I've mentioned, maybe it will help you become more aware of what's what for you and mom.
Anyway, I would just keep options open for now. I won't go into my educational details but out of undergrad if med school hadn't worked out I had at least 6 different directions to have gone in that were all decent employment opportunities.
Key to that is get the best grades, do pre-med box checking which is good for a lot of things as described, figure out a major and your premed pre-reqs if well planned could be a potentially useful minor if you don't go Full Monty with medicine.
If you appreciate science enough to go to med school to begin with IMHO, then you won't mind the bio/chem/biochem/anatomy/physiology whatever the heck science minor you get saddled with if you ultimately go for basket weaving and law school.
The only argument against doing more undergrad than absolutely necessary is time and money.
I wonder if some of this is that your mom wants you to make more money sooner for her benefit and she really isn't looking at big picture. Big picture: "don't go to med school the practice of medicine is a horrific human gristmill." Not big picture: "Get a job right out of undergrad because I don't want to wait for you to make more money after 11+ years of poverty (4 yrs undergrad + 4 years med school + 3 years residency, longer is not unusual). You're not living off your mom, and yes you are making financial decisions with her in mind, but even as a package deal odds are you will live with your life choices longer than she does, and be more affected by them ultimately. Money is a terrible reason to go to med school. There are fields with less misery and good pay. However, money is not a good reason to skip grad school in many occupations these days.
And thankfully there's no shortage of doctor hate, which could be driving her. If it keeps people from joining the field so much the better for the victims - I mean potential physicians, and for those of us trapped and worried about saturation. Everybody wins except for patients.
Last point, is that if you talk about your mom and this situation in your PS, be prepared for interviewers to ask you very frankly if she's supportive, and what you would plan to do should her health worsen during your medical training. Again, good to figure out ahead of time.
TLDR:
need to sort out the enmeshment, parentalization, etc psychology between you and mom
maybe try Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Familes (doesn't just apply if you were raised by an alcoholic, family dysfunction is enough and often present in families with members who are ill as a byproduct)
need to sort out how all the above meshes with why you are pursuing medicine, in addition to being sure of the field itself outside of that
keep your options open with good grades and broad coursework/activities and plan B jobs in mind
I can't tell if mom's motives are truly putting your interests first or her own, whether or not her points are valid there may be value in you figuring this out
if you do go to med school, you need to have a plan for keeping mom from derailing you and what you say to adcom about her
check out Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Families, like the website, maybe check out a meeting, see if it's for you
"take what you need leave the rest"
this just smacks of enmeshment and parentalization
your mom's points aren't pointless, BTW, but it's more the family dynamics around this that concern me than whether or not she's right
trust me OP, if you go into medicine, the above topics are not wasted reading and will either help you in that career,
or may even help you resolve the issues for yourself (meaning you may not reconcile with your mom as much as with this situation),
or help you pick a better field
I think you need to sort this out because as much as I prefer candidates/docs with backgrounds that make them more empathetic to the daily scooping of human manure that is medicine, I think it's important not to just go to med school because of personal axes you have to grind. Sharpen them and then put them up.
As much as I say that we don't tolerate normal human weakness/illness in doctors as a profession, I have to say, in some ways we're just as psychologically dysfunctional, possibly unhappy & damaged as any patient dying of lifestyle choices in our wards. It's just that our damage does a net good for OTHERS, therefore the seemingly functional dysfunctional traits are usually encouraged. If you check out the organization and psych topics I've mentioned, maybe it will help you become more aware of what's what for you and mom.
Anyway, I would just keep options open for now. I won't go into my educational details but out of undergrad if med school hadn't worked out I had at least 6 different directions to have gone in that were all decent employment opportunities.
Key to that is get the best grades, do pre-med box checking which is good for a lot of things as described, figure out a major and your premed pre-reqs if well planned could be a potentially useful minor if you don't go Full Monty with medicine.
If you appreciate science enough to go to med school to begin with IMHO, then you won't mind the bio/chem/biochem/anatomy/physiology whatever the heck science minor you get saddled with if you ultimately go for basket weaving and law school.
The only argument against doing more undergrad than absolutely necessary is time and money.
I wonder if some of this is that your mom wants you to make more money sooner for her benefit and she really isn't looking at big picture. Big picture: "don't go to med school the practice of medicine is a horrific human gristmill." Not big picture: "Get a job right out of undergrad because I don't want to wait for you to make more money after 11+ years of poverty (4 yrs undergrad + 4 years med school + 3 years residency, longer is not unusual). You're not living off your mom, and yes you are making financial decisions with her in mind, but even as a package deal odds are you will live with your life choices longer than she does, and be more affected by them ultimately. Money is a terrible reason to go to med school. There are fields with less misery and good pay. However, money is not a good reason to skip grad school in many occupations these days.
And thankfully there's no shortage of doctor hate, which could be driving her. If it keeps people from joining the field so much the better for the victims - I mean potential physicians, and for those of us trapped and worried about saturation. Everybody wins except for patients.
Last point, is that if you talk about your mom and this situation in your PS, be prepared for interviewers to ask you very frankly if she's supportive, and what you would plan to do should her health worsen during your medical training. Again, good to figure out ahead of time.
TLDR:
need to sort out the enmeshment, parentalization, etc psychology between you and mom
maybe try Adult Children of Alcoholics/Dysfunctional Familes (doesn't just apply if you were raised by an alcoholic, family dysfunction is enough and often present in families with members who are ill as a byproduct)
need to sort out how all the above meshes with why you are pursuing medicine, in addition to being sure of the field itself outside of that
keep your options open with good grades and broad coursework/activities and plan B jobs in mind
I can't tell if mom's motives are truly putting your interests first or her own, whether or not her points are valid there may be value in you figuring this out
if you do go to med school, you need to have a plan for keeping mom from derailing you and what you say to adcom about her
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Sorry, this was the line that smacked to me of enmeshment and codependence and bugged the hell out of me!
She doesn't care for herself, and you "like" having her close? I would understand if you said, "I have to." One sounds like misplaced duty and obligation, the other really concerns me.
*Any* unprescribed drugs for her issues? Does she drink/smoke MJ/other drugs? If she does, then I *really* suggest you check out 12 Step programs for *your* benefit. I'm not telling you to go to your mom with it because..... anyway, even if she isn't, if I had to guess just based on family dynamics, she's likely using some other maladaptive coping mechanisms, some of which I'm guessing involve you.
SDN is not for medical advice. So I hope you haven't taken anything I've said any further than intellectually discussing basic psychology and nothing approaching psychiatry as I am no psychiatrist.
In any case, the more you know. I can be totally way off base here but I think it's never too early for and never too much introspection one can do as they begin the lifelong path of learning to be a physician. There is no crazy psychology not worth learning about.
If it makes you feel better OP, I'm not trying to rag on your or your mom. I'm having some countertransference and TBH I am familar with these sort of dynamics, and even after all my training, knowing about all of the above, I still haven't fully sorted out how it impacts my life to this very day. I do think it's helped me navigate around the worst rocks in the rapids over the years.
"Are you under the impression that family's supposed to make you feel good? Make you an apple pie, maybe? They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family." - Bobby Singer, character of Supernatural tv series
12 steps would probably be for *her* benefit too. It obviously depends on the meetings, but it's usually a bunch of very supportive people that come together to chat. She'd make tons of friends. Friendships might help her lighten up a bit too. She might be lonely. She could even meet a guy at a meeting 😉
EDIT: Just informed that dating is discouraged in 12 step programs. I was really young back when I was exposed to them, so I never knew I guess.
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I will agree with crayola that you should be open to many options. It may feel noble to do what you're doing, but in 5 years if she still hasn't had a friend in forever and lives off of you, it might become a bit less noble. You could end up putting your mom in a cage that she doesn't feel like she should run away from. Metaphorically of course haha.
There are professionals on this topic. I'd ask for their ideas first.
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Just a heads up, dating within most 12 Step programs I know of is very very heavily discouraged. It is recommended usually a year of "sobriety" of whatever form that takes for the particular group (gambling vs sex addiction vs....) before attempting to date, (for people in LTRs it's a more difficult beast), and that for various reasons dating within the program even after years of sobriety has great potential to be harmful for the group or individuals and is discouraged. It obviously happens, but really shouldn't be the focus of what one is hoping to get from such a group.
All the rest that was mentioned are great benefits to attending a 12 Step meeting if you ask me.
All the rest that was mentioned are great benefits to attending a 12 Step meeting if you ask me.
Ah I didn't know that. I know of successful relationships from them, so I never thought of the negatives. But definitely, the priority should be getting adjusted to a better lifestyle.
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