I don't quite know what to do...

[Nesta]

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So here's my problem. I'm taking the step in two weeks unless I push my date back, and I'm not sure I'm ready. I had to redo a block, so so far I've only studied for 3 weeks, and it would appear I've lost much of whatever I'd gotten from it. Now, if I push back the step, I have to completely change my clerkship schedule, which will involve using some of my elective time in third year. I chose the schedule I'm on because it got all of the hard clerkships out of the way in the beginning and didn't use any elective time. The reason for that is in order to get through 3rd year, I was planning on rewarding myself with a super intense two month vacation in which I left school to go back to work on the next presidential campaign. I did it the last time, and had the time of my life, and if last summer is any guide, time off from school isn't enough by itself to get me out of that bizarre emotional space that we as med students exist in. I need to be involved in something all-consuming to rid myself of the great dread I feel.

I hate this. I'm not a science person. I'm mad I made the decision to go to school, I'm mad that my education up till now saw me as a math/science kid because somewhere in the 80s our education system decided that those were the most valuable skills for us to encourage in our children, I'm mad that my parents, who rather than see that there is a wide gulf between where I am and what I'd like to be doing (uncharacteristically) chose to tell me in fairly harsh tones to keep going with it rather than help me figure out how to have a career in a field more suited to me - one I actually want. All I want is out. And for the last year and a half, that last sentence has been the first thought I have in the morning and the last thought I have at night.

I've resigned myself to at least getting the degree, and at the moment I'm probably mildly leaning against going on to residency when I get it. But I don't really want to lose any more of my mind in the process, and this campaign break is vital to that. I need to know that there's something on the horizon that I actually want and enjoy (don't get me wrong, working 18 hours a day, 7 days a week for any number of months makes you want to end your life, but even in the depths of that kind of stress it still feels worthwhile). I'm taking a series of blocks of practice questions tomorrow, and the academic adviser has said that if I can average a 55% on those blocks (with a low variance) then it's not unreasonable for me to keep my date. If I can manage that, then he says I'm probably headed to a score between 200 and 210, which is all I really want because I went to medical school to go into psychiatry, interview well better than most of my colleagues, and to the extent I can feel passionate about any of this (cuz I so don't give a **** about your kidney) it's about that - especially since I really do believe that (largely due to the nature of the med school selection process) we are a class of people particularly ill equipped intellectually and emotionally to aid individuals in psychological distress, especially given that I believe in the power of therapy. That was a long sentence that likely violates a great deal of the rules of grammar. Sorry.

Anyway, I took two tonight, on one I got a 56, on the other a 41. I can see myself hitting either end as I keep going tomorrow. And I'm freaking out. Again, if I have to push my date back I lose out on OFA 2.0, which means losing out on something I feel a strong part of and losing the opportunity to network with people who work in politics, non-health public policy, non-profit work, and the like, which is important because that's where I want to go (I should have gone to law school, and I may re-apply in October just in case... I should never have given up my seat at NYU for this ****).

So supposing I end up hitting an average in the mid-40s tomorrow, and am advised to push back my date, I'm wondering how stupid it would be for me to ignore that advice and push on. Unless I plan on going on to residency, I just need to pass to make it on to 3rd year, and given that this isn't a job I want to do, I think I'm OK with that. I get that this is a debate between a short term interest, and a long term interest I could conceivably change my mind about (although I can't imagine that happening given where I am now), but living in this bizarre little culture is killing me. I can say without any hesitation that medical students are the least intellectually curious group I've ever spent time around, and the degree to which other intellectual disciplines, indeed all of the other modes by which our society seeks truth, are dismissed out of hand (and I attend an institution thought fairly progressive and open minded) is incredibly troubling.

Beyond that, I am incredibly uncomfortable with the notion that I will end up killing someone not for the right reason (that people f**k up, and that there's just too much to know) but the wrong one (that I just can't be bothered to give a **** because I am too miserable living in a world that doesn't engage the parts of me I actually value - the ones that do in fact make me at least marginally special) thanks to the fact that psych residents now have to do a year in internal medicine.

So what do I do... do I prioritize the future I don't want and am deeply ambivalent about, or the experience I know I do that enriched my life and played a huge role in making me a better and more confident person? Do I make the decision that prioritizes the project I'm pursuing because I don't know what else to do and feel trapped, or the one I will forever remain proud of having been involved in and want to see through?

 

[sunset823]

um, wow, dude. The only reason I was able to read that whole thing is I myself am in boards studying mode and suffering from intractable insomnia right now. You won't get too many responses with the length of that, so let me summarize:

1) Your Qbank scores range between the low 40s and mid 50s
2) You are wondering whether to delay boards
3) You are unhappy in med school and possibly want to either a) leave it or b) graduate but not do residency

I do feel your pain, my background is also in policy, I also am not a math/science student, and I've had plenty of obstacles so far, but first and foremost, you need to ask yourself if there's something else you'd rather be doing right now. If there is, quit now. Sure you're in debt, but that will only double in 2 years and you'll still be miserable.

But if you're not going that route, it sounds like you are MAJORLY stressed out. I would delay (in fact, I am delaying, for both academic reasons and my mental health). It doesn't have a big impact on residency chances if you go that route, and, well, if you don't, why does it matter?

You could still take your 2 month vacation to work on the campaign if you aren't applying to residencies, you get plenty of vacation 4th year for that purpose. If you are, you should take the extra time to do as well as you can on boards. So either way, I say delay.

 

[Tapepsi]

Wow...that's pretty unfortunate I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a rough time. While I'm not technically a med student yet, I'll try and help.

Follow through with the Step 1 and do your best to pass it. It sounds like you're really frustrated right now, and while I don't understand b/c I'm not in your shoes, I feel like you at least need to get past this obstacle. I guess tomorrow will help you decide if you'll be ready in 2 weeks or not. If you do good then great. If not, I think it's in your best interest that you reconsider pushing it back so that you pass.

I understand that the presidential campaign is very important to you, but as of right now, this part of your life is very important. You will be in a far worse position if you drop out now then if you stick out at least your 4 years. Also, I'm guessing that a lot of this regret and frustration that you have right now may partially go away whenever you pass step 1. Maybe you'll at least be more comfortable with the idea of going into a psych residency (which I support you 100% as I was a psych major and am interested in the field myself 👍).

Anyway the point I'm trying to make is that you should make the best out of your situation. You haven't even gotten into the clinical rotations yet and I can guarantee that it will be a lot more interesting then studying a book 7-10 hours a day.

So do what you need to do but I say perservere, especially since those 2 years of tuition won't go away whenever you drop out.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

 

[officedepot]

If you finish med school and don't go to residency all you will have is a degree that is pretty much worth nothing since you won't be licensed to practice. What do you think the degree will get you? It'll be a title and mean nothing.

You should do one of two things: 1.) suck it up; take step 1; finish school; pick a field you enjoy the most like psych; get into the residency; finish residency; then you can either start practicing your trade or do something else
2.) quit now; go into policy with no graduate education...

look man no one is going to listen to someone about health policy when you are not a doctor or never even practiced or have no practical understanding of buisiness, let alone the business of health care. So you need to finish your education. I don't know how law school will help. You are probably just stressed a bunch from step 1 and failing a block. I would suggest pushing the test date back a month or so to regroup, pass the test, and move on with your life. Psych is a good field with a good lifestyle and you can easily move into politics later in life when you actually have some experience.

 

[doctormau]

Sorry to hear you situation. What I would do is postpone the Step1 and take it few weeks later. Then you will have to really decide what really fulfill you. You can even take a year off if you really want to be part of politics. Maybe you can even "linked" with some health issues to good look in your resume. But overall, you have to decide what suits you better for your future, and if medicine is not appealing to you then just quit. But now, just get a positive attitude and only focus on the STEP1 and forget your dilemma until after.

 

[womp]

There's always psych.

Or you could just quit and go to law school. You must have had a good reason to not have gone to NYU Law then.

 

[Journey2become]

Sorry to hear you situation. What I would do is postpone the Step1 and take it few weeks later. Then you will have to really decide what really fulfill you. You can even take a year off if you really want to be part of politics. Maybe you can even "linked" with some health issues to good look in your resume. But overall, you have to decide what suits you better for your future, and if medicine is not appealing to you then just quit. But now, just get a positive attitude and only focus on the STEP1 and forget your dilemma until after.

👍

 

[gman33]

You have a couple of issues to deal with.

Step 1 - If you are not ready, do not take it. I don't care if you have to push it back 10 times, don't take it if you are not ready.
Failing or barely passing will close a lot of doors.

Med school and beyond.
The degree is pretty worthless without a residency and some real world experience. If you are dead set against practicing clinical medicine, just get the hell out now.

What I'd say overall is to postpone the step, study until ready and you should have a nice score.

After that, I'd take a year off and figure out what you really want to do.
Come back if you want to be a doc, if not, just move on to something else.

BTW - I moved my step back a few weeks and was very glad I did.
I also hated the first two years of med school and was very, very close to dropping out a few times.
I made it to 3rd year and really liked dealing with patients in the hospital. Now I'm trying to figure out my field over the next few months.
I'm glad I stuck it out.

 

[thefritz]

You should start seeing a therapist regularly. You are subconsciously sabotaging yourself. Been there, done that. Take a year off if you need it, but I don't see it as a good decision to drop out of med school to enroll in law school. You are seeing things as all good or all bad. A therapist will help you sort that out and see that those thoughts are irrational. The medical career can't possibly be all bad for you. Work at it and you'll find a way.

 

[ArcGurren]

You have a couple of issues to deal with.

Step 1 - If you are not ready, do not take it. I don't care if you have to push it back 10 times, don't take it if you are not ready.
Failing or barely passing will close a lot of doors.

Med school and beyond.
The degree is pretty worthless without a residency and some real world experience. If you are dead set against practicing clinical medicine, just get the hell out now.

What I'd say overall is to postpone the step, study until ready and you should have a nice score.

After that, I'd take a year off and figure out what you really want to do.
Come back if you want to be a doc, if not, just move on to something else.

BTW - I moved my step back a few weeks and was very glad I did.
I also hated the first two years of med school and was very, very close to dropping out a few times.
I made it to 3rd year and really liked dealing with patients in the hospital. Now I'm trying to figure out my field over the next few months.
I'm glad I stuck it out.

Not entirely true, you can always take the MD degree into industry

 

[WellWornLad]

Not entirely true, you can always take the MD degree into industry

Even business/industry/consulting fields know that an MD is meaningless without residency training.

 

[cher25]

Even business/industry/consulting fields know that an MD is meaningless without residency training.

I used to work in pharma and a few of the docs hired by the big pharma companies never did a residency. I remember one in particular who was recruited right out of 4th year. They worked as consultants and reviewed drug efficacy, patient outcomes, and adverse events. I'm sure they did more than that. I know this is not the norm, but it's definitely a possibility.