I did well in med school and can recite the differential of a tall R wave in V1, and matched well, but I can't do residency. My body and mind are simply breaking down. I want to get in my car, drive home, and never look back. I nearly got in a car crash yesterday because I was too tired to drive properly. I haven't brushed my teeth in days. I can't do this. What can I do? I am so worried about talking to my program director, it would be so foolish if they wasted a residency spot on a failed resident like me. I would also be letting down all the interns that would have 1 fewer person to share the load with. I don't know what to do besides continue to suffer in a way that I just can't take anymore. Should I just tell my program director this, finish the block, call it quits? Would that be the end of ever being a doctor? I almost don't really care. I just want to know before I sit down and talk to him. Please help me.
Typically I advise that people do whatever they can to avoid the scrutiny of the PD or the Chief, but you seem to be in crisis.
DON'T make any big life decisions right now.
Don't worry about others' workloads for the moment.
I know you're overwhelmed - but you needed to seek help like yesterday. That's OK, I know it's hard.
There should hopefully be an employee wellness center that you can contact. They can usually help get you counseling. You need to get in with a PCP and consider any recs they have re: mental health.
What specifically at work are you having a hard time with? Malignant coworkers? Volume of work? Notes? Plans? Presentations? Pages? Difficult patients? Sadness from their plights? Sense of responsibility? Inadequate support from seniors/attendings? Fund of knowledge? It helps if you can identify what's killing you, especially when you go see the Chief or PD. Work hour violations?
Try contacting the Chief first about this. Likely you will need to see the PD.
They can arrange an LOA pretty quickly if that is what you need to not quit. They don't want you to quit. They want you to succeed. They too will want to know what, if anything, you can point to, to make your job seem doable again. They too with employee wellness, can help you figure out a PCP, counseling. However, you want any mental health help you get to be outside your system or at least a separate EHR.
You can get into a pattern where 2/2 inefficiency/volume, you work a 16 hour day, and then only get 5-6 hours sleep, then the next day, which should be 12 hour, takes you longer because not only are you inefficient, the inefficiency is made worse by sleep deprivation, leading to another day that is too long, leading more sleep deprivation, more inefficiency, and on and on. You'd be surprised how a few days of sleep can help reset you and break the cycle.
I don't want to add to your feeling of being trapped. However, many interns get to a point where they feel like quitting, that's normal, and it can be dealt with to get a reasonable outcome for all parties involved (you, program, colleagues).
If you or the life of a patient is not currently in danger, I would advise that you stick it out and talk to your PD. Don't quit. As you mentioned, quitting can be the end of the road careerwise.
That said, if you are in danger or hurting yourself you should immediately contact a suicide helpline you can google, go to the ED (preferably a different hospital), or call a friend/loved one and your PCP. (if you don't have one try the above strategies to get one, or contact your insurance, they can help you find one). Going to work isn't worth your life.
Please reach out for help. Just be careful. Document everything.
Do you have a hx of mental health issues?
You can PM me with anything.
