Living with significant other during med school

[hoopstaahh22]

is it a bad idea? I will be attending med school in the fall and would like to know from med students if it can be done or if it is too stressful on the relationship. Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks.

I didn't find anything on this topic when I searched (although I didn't look too hard 🙂

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[DrKuroneko]

Yea sure it is do-able and I think you know what the answer is already 😉
but for the sake of the thread and because psych is boring me and causing me to manifest a personality disorder here's my response

Just a little bit on me so you know where this advice is coming from
- 2nd year female living with fiance also a 2nd year, been living together since getting into med school

My experience has been for the most part positive. My boyfriend (now fiance 😍) and I luckily (Un-luckily however you want to look at it) got into med school. Some things to realize are that YES it will be stressful at times, especially early on with adjusting to med school life and its demands but it will get easier as you progress. Will your significant other cause you stress at times when you really don't want to deal with it (Like before that 1st anatomy practical)? ABSOLUTELY😱 but at the same time will they be there to support you when you feel like you can't go on and you feel real down in the dumps (Like after you bombed that first anatomy practical)🙄 again YES.

I'm not sure how serious your relationship is with this person and your future plans but it worked out pretty well with me. As someone else told me about relationships that, it should feel effortless. (If there is screaming/punching and calling of police right now... then it will only get worse)

Just FYI most of my friends who were in a noncommitted (ie not engaged or married) DISTANCE relationship, broke up within the year 😱😱

You're smart enough to get into med school so i'm pretty sure you know what the answer to your question is already (Hint: its not a , b, c, d, or all of the above)

Good luck to you and hope you make the right LIFE choice because being a physician is something we do to pay the bills and pass the time but it doesn't define who you are nor should it. There are more important things in life.

With that said, disregard everything I said 😉

 

[xanthomondo]

I'm going to go into the other direction and say I'd be careful. If your SO is going to be busy then it might work out, but if they aren't they're probably going to end up distracting you. A lot. I know when my SO is over I don't get nearly as much work done as when she isn't here.

Med school is a big change, I would fly solo first and if you think it's doable from there have her move in. If you're like me and need silence to study (and like studying at home) it probably will be best to live alone.

 

[cpants]

Is this a person you see yourself being with forever or at least through med school? If not, I wouldn't move in. A breakup in med school could get real ugly, and it will be 1000 times worse if you are living together.

 

[PeepshowJohnny]

It's going to be like putting your relationship in a pressure cooker. Either you guys come out married (the stress makes you realize you should spend the rest of your life together) or broken up.

 

[hoopstaahh22]

wow, thanks for the quick replies! Just some background info on my relationship: I have been with my bf for 2 (wonderful) years and we both consider it to be a serious relationship. He is extremely supportive of my goals and knows better than to interrupt me when I'm studying! What I guess I am mostly worried about is not having enough time for him. I know this is all cliche and what not, but I was bored at work and wanted to see what other med students had to say about it.

 

[Doctorverardoll]

I am a first year that lives with my bf of 3 years. We had lived together for about a year and a half by the time school started. I think this was beneficial, because we were already in the swing of things. I'd recommend living together for a bit before school starts.
Communication becomes all the more vital when you live with someone, especially when student loans won't afford much personal space.
I've had a tough time adjusting to medical school and I've also had a slew of personal problems (mostly family related). My bf is essentially my support system at this junction and I might have taken a leave of absence if I didn't have him.

That said, it can also be a huge challenge. I moved in with my boyfriend post-college, so he only lived with me as a 9-5er. Being a nonscience guy, he appreciates, but doesn't fully understand the amount of time, i have to put in to do well. For example, why can't I go out tomorrow night, go out to brunch on Sat, then watch the Superbowl, as I did it in undergrad with my "hard science" classes then and did well (Mind you I have 2 tests and a presentation looming).

It's also hard, because we moved away from our friends, so he doesn't have many people to keep himself out of my hair. He tries his best to give me quiet study time, but it never fails that he finds some way to disturb me (it usually endearing, but not when I'm sleep deprived and studying biochem.)

Feel free to PM, if you have an specific q.

 

[MrBurns10]

I'm going to go into the other direction and say I'd be careful. If your SO is going to be busy then it might work out, but if they aren't they're probably going to end up distracting you. A lot. I know when my SO is over I don't get nearly as much work done as when she isn't here.

Well sure...if your girlfriend doesn't live with you, then it would make sense that you're less likely to study when she's around. But if you live together, you get into a routine and there's nothing special per se about them being there at any given time (because they're around a lot) so studying becomes a lot easier.

OP, if you feel it's the right time, go for it. My fiance and I are both med students (at different schools though) and I could not have survived certain rotations (looking at you, surgery) without his constant support, physical as well as emotional. Living together is actually pretty awesome.

 

[Jwax]

As someone else told me about relationships that, it should feel effortless. (If there is screaming/punching and calling of police right now... then it will only get worse)

I wholeheartedly disagree with the bolded statement. Relationships are work; the fantasy that you have had of marriage as a little girl is not the reality - there are good times and bad. Obviously, if there is punching/police calling there are issues that this doesn't apply to, but some couples yell. It doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. I've even heard it said in our pre-marital counseling course that fighting can be a good thing, and certainly can't be avoided. People who say they don't ever fight are liars. 🙂

Is this a person you see yourself being with forever or at least through med school?

Who moves in with someone if they don't think the relationship is all that serious? 😕 Maybe some people do and it just never occurred to me.

OP, if you feel it's the right time, go for it. My fiance and I are both med students (at different schools though) and I could not have survived certain rotations (looking at you, surgery) without his constant support, physical as well as emotional. Living together is actually pretty awesome.

I think overall relationships in med school are so much easier for women. Men are generally a lot less needy as far as time and attention is concerned, especially if they've got a job/career/family/friends nearby. I often try to plan my studying around my husband's work schedule so I have already studied for 8 hours by the time he comes home. So as long as your boyfriend isn't the jealous/needy/unsupportive/opposed to his woman being in med school type, it should be fine.

I like the pressure cooker analogy - living together is a very useful make you or break you step (IMHO).

 

[cpants]

Who moves in with someone if they don't think the relationship is all that serious? 😕 Maybe some people do and it just never occurred to me.

Of course everyone who moves in thinks the relationship is serious, but prior to moving in together, you need to seriously reflect on where the relationship is going and whether or not problems are on the horizon. This is a huge step, one not to be taken lightly. I have seen several of these situations blow up. It's pretty tough when an ugly situation happens, and neither of you have your own space to escape...not to mention the complications of shared lease, furniture, bills, etc. The conservative step might be to live nearby for a year prior to moving in together. If the OP is sure this is going to work out, then more power to her. Having an SO at home can be a huge source of support when times are tough at school.

 

[Jwax]

Of course everyone who moves in thinks the relationship is serious, but prior to moving in together, you need to seriously reflect on where the relationship is going and whether or not problems are on the horizon. This is a huge step, one not to be taken lightly. I have seen several of these situations blow up. It's pretty tough when an ugly situation happens, and neither of you have your own space to escape...not to mention the complications of shared lease, furniture, bills, etc. The conservative step might be to live nearby for a year prior to moving in together. If the OP is sure this is going to work out, then more power to her. Having an SO at home can be a huge source of support when times are tough at school.

Sorry, I guess I assumed that intelligent people (which I am making another assumption in that I presume an accepted med student fits into this category) would of course really contemplate the depth of the relationship, future potential, and relationship issues. I would also assume that most intelligent people recognize how messy things can get if you break up after you move in together. Anyways - not trying to fight about it, I just figure most people (who go to med school) have enough intelligence that they wouldn't forget to think about these things.

I don't particularly think living close-by really gives the same impact of living together... Maybe they could try the one person practically lives with the other but retains their apartment kind of thing? It's pseudo-living together.

 

[cpants]

Sorry, I guess I assumed that intelligent people (which I am making another assumption in that I presume an accepted med student fits into this category) would of course really contemplate the depth of the relationship, future potential, and relationship issues. I would also assume that most intelligent people recognize how messy things can get if you break up after you move in together. Anyways - not trying to fight about it, I just figure most people (who go to med school) have enough intelligence that they wouldn't forget to think about these things.

I wouldn't assume anything. A lot of med students lack common sense and are just plain socially ******ed. I'm not saying this is true of the OP, but intelligence doesn't necessarily result in good decisions or good relationships. Doctors have one of the highest divorce rates of all professions. Deciding whether to move in or not requires reflection on the relationship and anticipation of future problems which may arise, no matter who you are. As I said, if the OP has done her due diligence and thinks this is the right call, then more power to her.

I don't particularly think living close-by really gives the same impact of living together... Maybe they could try the one person practically lives with the other but retains their apartment kind of thing? It's pseudo-living together.

Yeah. That's the point. It buys you a year to see if this is the right call, rather then tossing the relationship right into the pressure cooker.

 

[spospo]

my situation

current m2 living with my bf. we've been together for almost 2 years. he isn't a med student. he isn't into science at all. we did distance last year (not like, 3 hour drive distance, more like had to make a connection through denver type of distance). last january he got a job as a hs teacher in a school district here. he made the ever so large sacrifice of moving out i july. now we live together.

how are things now? just fine. he keeps me sane. he keeps me from studying too much. he gets me out. funny thing is, i am pulling the exact same grades as last year, if not better, even though I am studying less. i watch more tv. i have more "free time." i think it is because i haven't different priorities now. i even do most of the cooking, and i still have more free time than last year

also, he isn't SUPER busy. he gets home at 4 and is around almost all night, so that isn't a MUST. also, he isn't needy, but he likes to get out and do things...with me. so i've made time for that, and things are just fine

my advice
-communicate a lot about how things are going to be, ie studying more, weekends not totally free, stress out moments, frustration moments, possibly some tears
-make sure he/she knows that they need to communicate as well. sometimes i am so busy studying that i don't realize he wants to go and do something...until he gets upset. so make sure they are open with you about what they need and want
-realize it isn't just about you anymore. it is about the relationship. even if you already know this, make sure you don't slip up once class starts
-talk about finances beforehand if this is your first time living together

done

 

[Gibbles]

From personal experience, living with your significant other doesn't interfere with your studies if you're already disciplined. I had a few instances of my now wife wanting to stay up late to discuss a problem that she was having the night before a big pathology test, but if you're unwilling to make that kind of sacrifice, then your relationship will never make it through residency anyway. For those that say that you should be careful, because you're going to be busy, DO NOT listen to them. The rest of your life is going to be a 60 hour work week at minimum most likely. You will ALWAYS be busy from here on out.

Get married either early in fourth year or before, so you have time to develop your relationship before residency. You'll need to pretty much perfect your communication skills as a couple in order to survive emotionally together after med. school, because everything about life and relationships that can potentially go wrong will go wrong and the two of you will have precious little time together to figure it out.

Also, having a family together during fourth year seems to be optimal. I see a lot of students doing this, so that their child is old enough to attend daycare or visit a babysitter's house on a regular basis.

 

[ar2388]

From personal experience, living with your significant other doesn't interfere with your studies if you're already disciplined. I had a few instances of my now wife wanting to stay up late to discuss a problem that she was having the night before a big pathology test, but if you're unwilling to make that kind of sacrifice, then your relationship will never make it through residency anyway. For those that say that you should be careful, because you're going to be busy, DO NOT listen to them. The rest of your life is going to be a 60 hour work week at minimum most likely. You will ALWAYS be busy from here on out.

Get married either early in fourth year or before, so you have time to develop your relationship before residency. You'll need to pretty much perfect your communication skills as a couple in order to survive emotionally together after med. school, because everything about life and relationships that can potentially go wrong will go wrong and the two of you will have precious little time together to figure it out.

Also, having a family together during fourth year seems to be optimal. I see a lot of students doing this, so that their child is old enough to attend daycare or visit a babysitter's house on a regular basis.

hey guys, i just want to say thank you for sharing your stories!
I am currently living with my boyfriend and we plan to move together when I start medical school come the fall. It's nice ot know that it is possible to make it work. He is going for a chem phd so we will both be busy..
gibbles, its good to know that you think getting married during 4th year is the best idea. thats what we have been thinking about. thankfully we dont want kids until like mid-30's so that hasnt been a concern lol

 

[Vee]

My then boyfriend (now fiance) moved 200 miles with me when I started school. He works full time and has hobbies that keep him busy while I study. He's very independent and understanding of how much time I need to devote to school. It works for us, but I can see how it could cause problems if your s/o is distracting or whatnot. I like having someone around who is completely separate from all things medical.

 

[milliya]

I just wanted to pop in and say that I really like all the stories/advice/opinions in this thread. If all goes as planned, my bf and I will be doing the long distance thing (10hrs away, driving) until I graduate undergrad. Then I will either be moving in with him and going to med school nearby, or we will relocate together to where my med school is, so this thread is very useful, comforting, and encouraging.

Good luck to the OP!

 

[themudphud]

If you're not married or engaged, don't do it. Regardless of how long you have been dating. Unless you have the barrier of figuring out which one of you will get keep a several thousand dollar diamond ring, it is just too easy to break up--especially in the setting of a stressful time like med school. I've seen people who've been happily dating for 4 years break up during med school. The last thing you want is to have to move during classes because you are breaking up with your boyfriend.

Get (or give) the rock, then move in together.

 

[MrBurns10]

If you're not married or engaged, don't do it. Regardless of how long you have been dating. Unless you have the barrier of figuring out which one of you will get keep a several thousand dollar diamond ring, it is just too easy to break up--especially in the setting of a stressful time like med school. I've seen people who've been happily dating for 4 years break up during med school. The last thing you want is to have to move during classes because you are breaking up with your boyfriend.

Get (or give) the rock, then move in together.

I disagree. Of course moving in together isn't something you want to do to "save" the relationship. But if it's going well and it's a next step both of you want to take, why not? Personally, I wanted to be sure that we should get engaged before actually doing so, so my boyfriend and I moved in together. We got engaged 8-9 months or so after making sure we could actually live together. For us at least it was the right move.

 

[Mistress S]

I'll throw in my $.02, based on my experience. I lived with a BF for 3 years before med school and considered it a very serious relationship (we were planning to get married). We ended up breaking up at the end of first year. It was very difficult, as I had to deal with not only the end of a 4 year relationship that I thought would last the rest of my life but also with splitting up all our joint posessions (including a dog), joint bank and utility accounts, finding a new place to live, etc.-bascially all the fun of a divorce- all while finishing up 1st yr.

What people said about it being a pressure cooker is true; while it is good to know the relationship couldn't survive med school, it was also a very challenging time in my life. I would never tell anyone they should only live with someone if they are married/engaged, because everyone has to make their own decision about what's right for your life and even those things are obviously not a guarantee. But after that relationship ended, that was the decision I made, because I feel that there is no point in entangling your life that much with a person unless you are planning to spend the rest of your life with them- and not just theoretically planning to marry, because my ex and I discussed marriage and our future all the time as something we "planned" to do together, but someone you have already made this commitment to and vice versa.

Again, this is just my experience, but I would urge anyone considering moving in with a partner to seriously think about what they want out of the relationship and make sure their partner is 100% on the same page. Clarify your goals as individuals and as a couple and make sure they are compatible. Think carefully before you entangle too much of your finances or get an emotionally weighted purchase (like a pet) together. And realize that even with all of this, things may not work out no matter how well you think you know someone, and you may be left dealing with a very expensive and emotionally draining experience at a time in your life when you already have a lot of external stressors from med school. If you truly feel like it is still worth it, then go for it. BTW, I don't mean to sound bitter or too negative; I have been with someone else for 2 years, we are now shopping for an engagement ring and he is planning to move with me for residency. Good luck with your decision!

 

[Textuality]

I've been with my fiance for 4 years now, and before my coming to medical school, we talked about the future. I know myself well, and knew I would be miserable in a long distance relationship regardless of how much I loved him. I also didn't want to have him move there with me and feel guilty that he moved for me, I thought it'd be a lot of pressure on the relationship. We talked it over, and eventually got engaged 🙂

I love living with him. He helps me keep my gym schedule, gives me hugs when I get tired and cranky, and reminds me of the big picture in life 🙂 I actually have more time and better discipline because I'm less tempted to go out and party with the single classmates out of boredom. Honestly, I couldn't be happier. He knows how much work med school can be and he doesn't take it personally on the nights were I wall up in the study and ignore him for hours, lol.

 

[nka1985]

I wholeheartedly disagree with the bolded statement. Relationships are work; the fantasy that you have had of marriage as a little girl is not the reality - there are good times and bad. Obviously, if there is punching/police calling there are issues that this doesn't apply to, but some couples yell. It doesn't mean the relationship is doomed. I've even heard it said in our pre-marital counseling course that fighting can be a good thing, and certainly can't be avoided. People who say they don't ever fight are liars. 🙂


Who moves in with someone if they don't think the relationship is all that serious? 😕 Maybe some people do and it just never occurred to me.



I think overall relationships in med school are so much easier for women. Men are generally a lot less needy as far as time and attention is concerned, especially if they've got a job/career/family/friends nearby. I often try to plan my studying around my husband's work schedule so I have already studied for 8 hours by the time he comes home. So as long as your boyfriend isn't the jealous/needy/unsupportive/opposed to his woman being in med school type, it should be fine.

I like the pressure cooker analogy - living together is a very useful make you or break you step (IMHO).

Very true. I've lived with my fiance turned husband through M1 and into M2 and it has been great. I'm not in M3 yet so my schedule hasn't been too crazy but I don't see it being much of a problem-my husband is very understanding, very supportive, and quite good at entertaining himself when I'm busy. In some ways living together is better, because you don't really have to make plans to see each other. Need a study break? My husband is downstairs watching TV or working on his car. Studying crazy-hard because of a big test coming up? That's fine, he'll make dinner tonight.

Just be honest about what your life will be like and see what happens. If you sig other can't make it through med school living with you then your relationship probably won't survive. After med school, you have residency, and then setting up a new practice, and none of them are a cake walk.

 

[ar2388]

I've been with my fiance for 4 years now, and before my coming to medical school, we talked about the future. I know myself well, and knew I would be miserable in a long distance relationship regardless of how much I loved him. I also didn't want to have him move there with me and feel guilty that he moved for me, I thought it'd be a lot of pressure on the relationship. We talked it over, and eventually got engaged 🙂

I love living with him. He helps me keep my gym schedule, gives me hugs when I get tired and cranky, and reminds me of the big picture in life 🙂 I actually have more time and better discipline because I'm less tempted to go out and party with the single classmates out of boredom. Honestly, I couldn't be happier. He knows how much work med school can be and he doesn't take it personally on the nights were I wall up in the study and ignore him for hours, lol.

😍 that gives us lots of hope im sure

 

[wally22]

Move in together if you seriously think that you're going to (eventually) get married. Simple as that.

A little pearl: I was under the impression that 3rd year would be the worst as far as seeing my fiance. It's actually the opposite. In 1st and 2nd year, weekends can be the busiest days of the week, since you're constantly trying to keep from falling behind in your 300 page sylabus. Once you get into the clinical years, you actually sorta-kinda have a job! On Family Med, Peds, and Psych, if you dont feel like reading one page over the weekend, you don't have to! You can do weekend coupley things, like going to the farmers market, picknicking in parks, even going to Home Depo if you have time. On Surgery you can have a few free weekends (unless your resident is a real dick). As the shelves approach you do have to study, but for some reason you start to care less and less about getting honors on a meaningless test....

(The exception: OB. WTF ladies, its 9 freaking PM and I have to pre-round at 5:30. let me go home)

 

[TerpMD]

Here's some hope for the OP and others: I moved in with my non med student boyfriend of a almost two years between 1st and 2nd year. To do so required me to commute nearly 40 miles from Bethesda to Baltimore and for him, halfway around the DC beltway (If you are familiar with this area, this is no joke). We have two dogs and cat on top of it and we made it work. 6 months ago he took a job closer to school for me, which made things easier. We plan to marry eventually but I don't think you should rush into things like that to justify living together.

It's all about how hard you are willing to work. People who tell you relationships are easy are wrong (no offense but I strongly disagree with those people). Life is complicated and you have to make things work. As my father always says, It's easy to love someone. Marriage isn't just about love. It's about finding someone you love and then being able to put up with his/her s*** for the rest of your life. That takes work 🙂

I agree with what was said by other posters- if he can't deal with med school how will be he deal with the problems of the rest of our life? Go for it if you are both ready.

 

[45408]

I'm going to go into the other direction and say I'd be careful. If your SO is going to be busy then it might work out, but if they aren't they're probably going to end up distracting you. A lot. I know when my SO is over I don't get nearly as much work done as when she isn't here.

That's probably because she comes over with the intent of spending time with you, rather than entertaining herself while watching you study. I've been married all through med school (M3 now), and it's been great. I don't study at home though, and I'd recommend that if you're going to be distracted.