Long Distance during intern year options??

[NRAI2001]

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Hey guys,

So this Friday was kinda bitter-sweet. I found out I matched at a really really good FM program in Cali and I was really happy but I was kinda pretty sad also because my wife is actually a resident in a residency program about 6 hours away from my future program.

Is there any advice you guys can offer? Any options available to us? One of my friends recommended "resident-swap" but it might be too early for me to consider that since I haven't even begun yet... and who knows it may just work out with minimal difficulty?? But I anticipate it will be pretty difficult because we've been together for 8 years and never been apart during this time.

Thanks guys... again its bitter-sweet. I m so grateful to have matched at a really awesome program but my wife and I have been kinda bummed about the distance.

 

[choc_mint]

Hey there,

Just want to say I understand what you feel. I too, matched at a good program and happy about it, but have to be away from my spouse. I am also interested to hear the options.

Anyone with same experience can share how you all made it work? Thanks!

 

[smq123]

Hey guys,

So this Friday was kinda bitter-sweet. I found out I matched at a really really good FM program in Northern Cali and I was really happy but I was kinda pretty sad also because my wife is actually a resident in a residency program about 6 hours away from my future program.

Is there any advice you guys can offer? Any options available to us? One of my friends recommended "resident-swap" but it might be too early for me to consider that since I haven't even begun yet... and who knows it may just work out with minimal difficulty?? But I anticipate it will be pretty difficult because we've been together for 8 years and never been apart during this time.

Thanks guys... again its bitter-sweet. I m so grateful to have matched at a really awesome program but my wife and I have been kinda bummed about the distance.

How many more years does your wife have until she graduates?

 

[colbgw02]

If both you and your SO are happy with your programs, then I would just hold what you've got. It'll be, at most, two years apart, and if your internship year is anything like my SO's and mine, you'll be like two ships passing in the night anyway.

 

[NRAI2001]

How many more years does your wife have until she graduates?

She's an intern now so she'll have two more years..

 

[NRAI2001]

If both you and your SO are happy with your programs, then I would just hold what you've got. It'll be, at most, two years apart, and if your internship year is anything like my SO's and mine, you'll be like two ships passing in the night anyway.

Her program and co-interns/residents are amazing.. My program seemed pretty good from my interview day but I guess I really find out when I get there.

Do most FM programs allow for many weekends off? I like to drive and I m use to driving far and a 5-6 hour drive on a Friday wouldn't be bad if I had a weekend off?

 

[colbgw02]

Do most FM programs allow for many weekends off? I like to drive and I m use to driving far and a 5-6 hour drive on a Friday wouldn't be bad if I had a weekend off?

My SO had few weekends off during internship, but quite a few during PGY-2 and PGY-3. For your internship year, you're looking at a handful of weekends that you're off - minus the weekends that your SO happens to be on at the same time - minus the wear/tear from the travel. That year is probably a wash, so what you're really looking at is the year that you're a PGY-2 and she's a PGY-3 where you'll have to travel weekends to be together vs. being able to co-habitate. Obviously, it's not ideal, but I would not take the risk of her transferring in the last year of residency or you doing so for an unknown program for such a relatively low yield. Clearly, only you can guage how much you need to be together, but after so many years of marriage, you probably have a sense that this year or two will just be a footnote to your overall relationship.

 

[smq123]

Her program and co-interns/residents are amazing.. My program seemed pretty good from my interview day but I guess I really find out when I get there.

Do most FM programs allow for many weekends off? I like to drive and I m use to driving far and a 5-6 hour drive on a Friday wouldn't be bad if I had a weekend off?

It varies. Every FM program is different. Did you ask about the call schedule when you interviewed?

As a family medicine resident, I was in a long distance relationship for the last 2 years. He was pretty far, so I had to fly. But I had a lot of weekends off, so it was doable - we saw each other every other month or so. But that was mostly because flying got expensive on a resident salary; driving would have been easier.

 

[RangerBob]

I've known a couple of married couples that have done this--it's not easy or fun, but they were able to get through it.

If your priority is being near your wife above all else then you should look into transferring/swapping. Though, the odds of getting into a quality program through swapping seems pretty minimal to me, and I doubt you could transfer until your already 1 year into residency.

If your priority is to go to the best training program you can, the odds are you matched into it--I'm sure it's possible, but open positions don't become available very often at quality programs. FM, while not a competitive specialty, isn't one I hear of residents dropping/transferring out of much.

If you decide to stick with your current program, often program directors/chief residents will try and accommodate you as much as they can (fortunately FM is generally a very friendly/accommodating specialty). This might include scheduling you (if possible) to work two weeks straight so you can get a full golden weekend instead of just one day, assigning you lighter rotations (ie., outpatient) at the same time your wife has lighter rotations. The biggest of course would be coordinating your and your wife's vacations together.

I assume that if you're in Northern CA and your wife is 6hrs away that she's in the LA area and you're in the SF area? If so, one option is to meet halfway/partway sometimes, like in San Luis Obispo, Santa Barbara, etc. Basically use those weekends as weekend getaways.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Like others, I was in a LDR for the last two years of my residency while my SO was in fellowship and then practice. We could drive during his fellowship as he was only 2 hrs away; we generally managed seeing each other every other weekend, depending on call schedules. I did most of the driving because his schedule was much more hours intensive.

When he moved out west for practice, it became much more arduous as it involved a several hour flight. We alternated who did the flying; he paid for my flights since his attending salary allowed for it more than my residency/fellowship salary did.

It is very difficult but it is doable. You should not plan on transferring/swapping because that's unlikely to happen. But it is certainly worth inquiring about. Unlike others here, my relationship did not survive the distance but that was likely because the distance only exacerbated some existent problems.

 

[caffeinemia]

Like others, I was in a LDR for the last two years of my residency while my SO was in fellowship and then practice. We could drive during his fellowship as he was only 2 hrs away; we generally managed seeing each other every other weekend, depending on call schedules. I did most of the driving because his schedule was much more hours intensive.

When he moved out west for practice, it became much more arduous as it involved a several hour flight. We alternated who did the flying; he paid for my flights since his attending salary allowed for it more than my residency/fellowship salary did.

It is very difficult but it is doable. You should not plan on transferring/swapping because that's unlikely to happen. But it is certainly worth inquiring about. Unlike others here, my relationship did not survive the distance but that was likely because the distance only exacerbated some existent problems.

Your verb tense seems bittersweet. ;0/

 

[Winged Scapula]

Your verb tense seems bittersweet. ;0/

Not intentionally but there were/are many things about that relationship that I miss. But both he and I are in a good place even if things didn't work out the way we planned.

 

[saudades]

I don't know if I can really offer advice but I'm in the same boat, just SOAPed into a FM spot about 2.5 hours away from my fiance, who is currently an intern in EM. While I am very lucky to have found a job at what I've heard is a really nice program, it still makes me sad (even though it is a relatively quick drive). Like those above have said, I'm trying to remember that it is at worst only 2 years, and though I know they will be difficult years, in the end that is nothing compared to spending the rest of your life with that person. Good luck and know that you're not alone.

 

[NRAI2001]

I don't know if I can really offer advice but I'm in the same boat, just SOAPed into a FM spot about 2.5 hours away from my fiance, who is currently an intern in EM. While I am very lucky to have found a job at what I've heard is a really nice program, it still makes me sad (even though it is a relatively quick drive). Like those above have said, I'm trying to remember that it is at worst only 2 years, and though I know they will be difficult years, in the end that is nothing compared to spending the rest of your life with that person. Good luck and know that you're not alone.

2.5 hours is nothing.. Such an easy drive on even a single day off.... I ll be 6 hours away, which would still make it a bit difficult but doable on a golden weekend.. If I was 2 hours away I would be way less concerned 🙁 knowing that I would be able to see my wife at least once a week.... At the moment I don't even know if I ll be able to see her once a month or once every other month

 

[jthedestroyr]

Same boat as you with my wife being 6 hours away. My field isn't accommodating to time off either.

 

[NRAI2001]

Same boat as you with my wife being 6 hours away. My field isn't accommodating to time off either.

What field are you in?

 

[Ceusina]

Not exactly the same situation, but my husband and I lived apart for two years (approximately 7 hour drive). I was an MS1 and he was an MS4 when long distance started... we also had an 8 month old baby when I started medical school. We didn't have the money to fly to see each other, or cars reliable enough to make the drive often. We survived, but it wasn't easy, despite my "flexible" MS1/MS2 schedule (he had a lot less flexibility during MS4... mostly due to audition rotations/interviews season, and then intern year was no picnic). We probably saw each other 8-10 weekends total per year. Admittedly, if we didn't have to plan our schedule around a toddler we would have been able to see each other a little more. Here's what worked for us:

1. We made our weekends together mini vacations... we'd stay at a super cheap bed and breakfast at our half-way point and visit the local "sites." Not necessarily the most exciting way to spend a weekend, but still a fun way to spend time together and make new memories (instead of just thinking about what "was")
2. We watched the same shows on Netflix... some couples apparently watch shows at the same time, but our schedules never aligned well enough to do that. It gave us something fun to talk about, instead of dwelling.
3. We played various iPad/smartphone games... gave us something to do together during the day, but didn't rely on both of us being free at the same time.

Something that didn't work well for us was Skype/Facetime... just made us more sad. But, some long-distance couples swear by this. It was a necessity for us so that my husband could actually see our child growing up. Even still, it just made me cry every time we had to hang up :/

I wish you and your wife the best of luck on your long-distance journey. I've known many physician couples that made long-distance work. Based on personal experience, the time apart really flew. It wasn't so long ago that we were living apart, and yet it feels like such a small little "hiccup" in our relationship.

 

[NRAI2001]

Not exactly the same situation, but my husband and I lived apart for two years (approximately 7 hour drive). I was an MS1 and he was an MS4 when long distance started... we also had an 8 month old baby when I started medical school. We didn't have the money to fly to see each other, or cars reliable enough to make the drive often. We survived, but it wasn't easy, despite my "flexible" MS1/MS2 schedule (he had a lot less flexibility during MS4... mostly due to audition rotations/interviews season, and then intern year was no picnic). We probably saw each other 8-10 weekends total per year. Admittedly, if we didn't have to plan our schedule around a toddler we would have been able to see each other a little more. Here's what worked for us:

1. We made our weekends together mini vacations... we'd stay at a super cheap bed and breakfast at our half-way point and visit the local "sites." Not necessarily the most exciting way to spend a weekend, but still a fun way to spend time together and make new memories (instead of just thinking about what "was")
2. We watched the same shows on Netflix... some couples apparently watch shows at the same time, but our schedules never aligned well enough to do that. It gave us something fun to talk about, instead of dwelling.
3. We played various iPad/smartphone games... gave us something to do together during the day, but didn't rely on both of us being free at the same time.

Something that didn't work well for us was Skype/Facetime... just made us more sad. But, some long-distance couples swear by this. It was a necessity for us so that my husband could actually see our child growing up. Even still, it just made me cry every time we had to hang up :/

I wish you and your wife the best of luck on your long-distance journey. I've known many physician couples that made long-distance work. Based on personal experience, the time apart really flew. It wasn't so long ago that we were living apart, and yet it feels like such a small little "hiccup" in our relationship.

Thank you for sharing your experience.. I m so happy its over for you guys. Well at the moment we have no children so that makes it a bit easier... though we were hoping to have children in the next year or two had I matched closer. We were actually hoping to settle down in the town where she matched because we like the little town so much... hence another reason I was really hoping to match closer. Though the program I matched into is actually probably a better program overall than hers or the programs in her area... but the distance is something I m worried/ dreading.

 

[NRAI2001]

How does "resident-swap" work?? I found a few potential programs that are actually pretty close my wife's program on the "Resident-Swap" website. I imagine it would be easier to do a swap as a pgy2 or pgy3? Is it doable as a pgy1? How would you proceed in doing this? I dont want to offend my matched program in anyway at all, I would still be very honored to be a part of their program... but I was just hoping to get more information about peoples experiences.

 

[boneboulderer]

Wanted to bump this thread, as like the OP, I found myself in a similar position this past friday.

My girlfriend and I have been together since 1st semester of 1st year; however, prior to medical school my GF joined the air force on an HPSP scholarship. We tried as hard as we could to end up together for residency, but the cards did not fall in our favor, and we will be spending residency apart -- she doing pediatrics (3 years, 4 with possible chief year) and myself Ortho (5 years). We are lucky in the sense that I matched only 2.5-3 hour drive away, and it's a very easy, flat, drive down the interstate. Obviously, our opportunities to make this drive will vary with rotations, but I would expect one of us to be able to make the trip at least once a month (even if it's just getting off early on a saturday, spending the night together, and coming back sunday night). We'll also probably do a mix of vacations taken together, and at different times to spend a week or two in eachother's city.

We are committed to making this work -- have talked about marriage seriously already and this current situation doesn't really change that for us, and neither of us are untrusting, jealous, or especially needy people.

I wanted to post less for getting sympathy from people, because wallowing in this unfortunate situation would just make things worse. I am more interested in hearing from people that have been through, or are currently going through this, and what things you've done with your SO to make things better or easier. We'll do skype obviously, set up a shared google calendar so we can look at eachother's schedule, phone calls most days, etc... just looking for more ideas on how to make the next 5 years as easy as possible.

Thanks!

 

[staxMd]

I'd also be interested in suggestions and what worked for other people. My fiancé and I are getting married later this year and Friday brought news that we will be about 4-5 hours apart with him having 4 more years of residency and I starting a 4-year residency. This is along time to be apart, especially to start a marriage. I know we have a long road ahead and it'll take work but we are both (obviously) committed to our relationship. Has anyone found ways to do research years, away rotations or just found a good recipe for the long distance resident marriage that they'd care to share??
Would really appreciate advice and tales of triumph!

 

[PTPoeny]

My husband and I were about three hours apart for intern year. It was only one year for us but it worked out very well. We found a place to live near my residency and he rented a room from a friend for cheap by his job. He is not in medicine and traveled to me almost every weekend. We were able to take one vacation together and I used all my other vacation days to put together 3 or 4 day weekends in his city. It made studying easier for me because I was very focused on reading as much as possible during the week even if I was tired so we could spend time together on the weekend. I don't know how I would have felt if we had to do that all three years of my residency but one year worked great. There were days we didn't talk on the phone so we sent each other emails (so the texts wouldn't wake the other person when I was on nights and we were awake at different times). I had residency mates that were long distance the whole time and made it work but I don't know all the details.

 

[Carlin]

I am 2.5 years into a 5 year residency. My SO is not in medicine, but he was unwilling to leave his job when I matched across the country. We are about 2000 miles apart and there are zero direct flights between our cities so flying takes about 7-8 hours with layovers. It's obviously not ideal.

We have been managing and although I am miserable about it at times, we are now over halfway through and our relationship is actually doing great.

We rely on phone communication A LOT. Someone earlier in the thread mentioned how they didn't like Skype because it just made them more sad, and I agree with this entirely. We skyped more frequently during the first year of distance, and it almost always ended with me in tears. We have basically phased it out of our routine and I don't miss it.

What is almost harder than the distance itself, is the time change. I am usually going to bed about the time that he is getting out of work and I'm already at work when he gets up in the morning. It's taken some work for us to get in a regular phone time routine.

I spend all of my vacation time visiting him, as well as any three-day weekends that I have off. My speciality is predominantly outpatient so I usually have Memorial Day, Labor Day, etc off. Since he is so far away, weekend visits don't really work for me because it takes basically an entire day for travel (and also flights are pretty expensive). He has a fairly flexible job schedule and can take a half day on Friday to fly here and fly back Monday morning early, and with the time change, he can make it in to work by 10 am. So he tends to come here for more frequent weekends, while I go there for my longer vacations.

Frequent communication is the key to a long distance relationship. It's important for me to feel like I'm still a priority in his daily life even when we aren't physically together. It's hard, but if you know it's temporary, I think it can be done successfully.

Good luck to all you others in LDRs. May we all get through this with our happy relationships still intact!

 

[boneboulderer]

I am 2.5 years into a 5 year residency. My SO is not in medicine, but he was unwilling to leave his job when I matched across the country. We are about 2000 miles apart and there are zero direct flights between our cities so flying takes about 7-8 hours with layovers. It's obviously not ideal.

We have been managing and although I am miserable about it at times, we are now over halfway through and our relationship is actually doing great.

We rely on phone communication A LOT. Someone earlier in the thread mentioned how they didn't like Skype because it just made them more sad, and I agree with this entirely. We skyped more frequently during the first year of distance, and it almost always ended with me in tears. We have basically phased it out of our routine and I don't miss it.

What is almost harder than the distance itself, is the time change. I am usually going to bed about the time that he is getting out of work and I'm already at work when he gets up in the morning. It's taken some work for us to get in a regular phone time routine.

I spend all of my vacation time visiting him, as well as any three-day weekends that I have off. My speciality is predominantly outpatient so I usually have Memorial Day, Labor Day, etc off. Since he is so far away, weekend visits don't really work for me because it takes basically an entire day for travel (and also flights are pretty expensive). He has a fairly flexible job schedule and can take a half day on Friday to fly here and fly back Monday morning early, and with the time change, he can make it in to work by 10 am. So he tends to come here for more frequent weekends, while I go there for my longer vacations.

Frequent communication is the key to a long distance relationship. It's important for me to feel like I'm still a priority in his daily life even when we aren't physically together. It's hard, but if you know it's temporary, I think it can be done successfully.

Good luck to all you others in LDRs. May we all get through this with our happy relationships still intact!

Thanks for the detailed reply.

Did you find it very difficult to initially move away? Did it get any "easier" after the initial shock of moving away? I have a feeling the initial period is going to be the hardest, as we currently live together and are going to be moving out and to separate cities 3 hours away. Luckily, we have spent time apart in the past and know that Skype works well for us, and we will also be in the same time zone which should ease things. We'll also have a shared google calender so we can see what the other's schedule is like for any random week.

I'm curious how you've handled holidays and/or seeing your family? Neither of us will be living close to our families either, and I'm curious how people that have been through this before have managed? Do you just see family fewer times/year during the LDR, or ask them to come to you more than you go to them? I just feel like, with only 4 weeks of vacation/year, if I take a week to go back home that would be one fewer week I'd spend with my SO that year.

 

[Carlin]

Thanks for the detailed reply.

Did you find it very difficult to initially move away? Did it get any "easier" after the initial shock of moving away? I have a feeling the initial period is going to be the hardest, as we currently live together and are going to be moving out and to separate cities 3 hours away. Luckily, we have spent time apart in the past and know that Skype works well for us, and we will also be in the same time zone which should ease things. We'll also have a shared google calender so we can see what the other's schedule is like for any random week.

I'm curious how you've handled holidays and/or seeing your family? Neither of us will be living close to our families either, and I'm curious how people that have been through this before have managed? Do you just see family fewer times/year during the LDR, or ask them to come to you more than you go to them? I just feel like, with only 4 weeks of vacation/year, if I take a week to go back home that would be one fewer week I'd spend with my SO that year.

I am in a lucky situation that the program I matched into, while being very far from my SO, is only about 45 minutes away from where my parents live. This has made it very easy to spend time with them without sacrificing vacation time. I agree that would make it a lot tougher to have to choose between seeing your family and seeing your SO. I think your idea of having your family come to visit you is a very good one, maybe when you are on a rotation that is a little more relaxed so you would have time in the evenings to spend with them.

To be honest, the sadness of moving didn't sink in right away. I think I was so overwhelmed with trying to find a place to live and starting residency, that the sadness of leaving my SO didn't hit me until I was settled in at my new spot. It was actually the day that he left here (he had come to help me move in) and when he called me from Cali to tell me he had made it home safely, that's when a wave of sadness hit me as I realized I was really staying HERE and he was really staying THERE.

It has gotten easier. I have made wonderful friends, and I know that I would not have the same close awesome friendships that I do have it I had my SO here. Work also keeps you busy, and if you love what you're doing, it helps the time pass.