Looking to bail...HELP! Save my marriage!

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Dr. Jar19

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Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else. I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry. She has discussed with me her feelings and says that if I continue with medical school, she won't marry me. I am going to be starting this coming fall and would love some advice or input as to whether I should bail on my dreams for this girl or if I should bail on her to pursue my dreams. Or is it manageable to do both things? She believes that it isn't. Thanks!
 
disregard-females-acquire-currency.jpg
 
Dr. Jar19 said:
Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else. I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry. She has discussed with me her feelings and says that if I continue with medical school, she won't marry me. I am going to be starting this coming fall and would love some advice or input as to whether I should bail on my dreams for this girl or if I should bail on her to pursue my dreams. Or is it manageable to do both things? She believes that it isn't. Thanks!
Click to expand...
before we answer you, where is she on this scale
 
Pasting my response from your cross posted thread:

She will basically need to cater to your needs 90% of the time when you are in medical school/residency as you go from one major stress to the next, absorbing all your anxiety and anger. She will have sit there while you and your medical school buddies talk about school incessantly, which she will either not care about or have no clue about. Then she will watch while you take out 300,000 in loans and then enter residency and make crap money for 3-8 years. Some couples have survived this, some have not, but this was the day to day reality of my classmates.

Anyways, your girlfriend has done her homework.
 
thepoopologist said:
Pasting my response from your cross posted thread:

She will basically need to cater to your needs 90% of the time when you are in medical school/residency as you go from one major stress to the next, absorbing all your anxiety and anger. She will have sit there while you and your medical school buddies talk about school incessantly, which she will either not care about or have no clue about. Then she will watch while you take out 300,000 in loans and then enter residency and make crap money for 3-8 years. Some couples have survived this, some have not, but this was the day to day reality of my classmates.

Anyways, your girlfriend has done her homework.
Click to expand...

This is really on point OP.

Plus, even if you withdraw your acceptance, she'll likely eventually leave you anyway by the sounds of it. Dump her and go.
 
Dump her. She's looking for someone to provide for her in terms of time and otherwise NOW. If she's not willing to go with the flow of your life, she's not worth your time. If you continue, you she WILL cheat on you, I promise it. BTDT. Put thoughts of marriage out of your head until after med school and ideally residency. People shouldn't get married before 30 IMO.
 
Dr. Jar19 said:
Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else. I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry. She has discussed with me her feelings and says that if I continue with medical school, she won't marry me. I am going to be starting this coming fall and would love some advice or input as to whether I should bail on my dreams for this girl or if I should bail on her to pursue my dreams. Or is it manageable to do both things? She believes that it isn't. Thanks!
Click to expand...

Never, ever, ever, ever leave your dream for someone else
 
Dr. Jar19 said:
Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else. I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry. She has discussed with me her feelings and says that if I continue with medical school, she won't marry me. I am going to be starting this coming fall and would love some advice or input as to whether I should bail on my dreams for this girl or if I should bail on her to pursue my dreams. Or is it manageable to do both things? She believes that it isn't. Thanks!
Click to expand...

How recently are we talking about here? Because it makes absolutely zero sense for you to give up a dream YEARS in the making for a woman you barely even know.
 
thepoopologist said:
She will basically need to cater to your needs 90% of the time when you are in medical school/residency as you go from one major stress to the next, absorbing all your anxiety and anger.
Click to expand...

What? I don't understand med students who can't keep their **** together and live like a normal (read: non-codependent) adult. Cook your own damn food, wash your own damn clothes. If you need therapy for anxiety and anger, go see a therapist; there's no shame in doing that. Just don't take it out on your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is not your mom, not your therapist, and she does not have to "cater to your needs 90% of the time."

OP: I really hope this is not the reason why your lady friend is hesitant to marry.
 
What happens when she dumps you after deciding to not go to medical school? That would be pretty stupid.

Not all people are designed to the spouse of a physician...that's ok. Move on...improve your worth by going to med school and get someone better.
 
Dr. Jar19 said:
Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else. I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry. She has discussed with me her feelings and says that if I continue with medical school, she won't marry me. I am going to be starting this coming fall and would love some advice or input as to whether I should bail on my dreams for this girl or if I should bail on her to pursue my dreams. Or is it manageable to do both things? She believes that it isn't. Thanks!
Click to expand...
If she doesn't want you to succeed, she doesn't really love you. Start medical school.
 
thepoopologist said:
Pasting my response from your cross posted thread:

She will basically need to cater to your needs 90% of the time when you are in medical school/residency as you go from one major stress to the next, absorbing all your anxiety and anger. She will have sit there while you and your medical school buddies talk about school incessantly, which she will either not care about or have no clue about. Then she will watch while you take out 300,000 in loans and then enter residency and make crap money for 3-8 years. Some couples have survived this, some have not, but this was the day to day reality of my classmates.

Anyways, your girlfriend has done her homework.
Click to expand...
It's not really as bad as people make it out to be. Hasn't been a strain on my relationship for the most part. Haven't hit third year though, so there's that...
 
Dr. Jar19 said:
Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else. I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry. She has discussed with me her feelings and says that if I continue with medical school, she won't marry me. I am going to be starting this coming fall and would love some advice or input as to whether I should bail on my dreams for this girl or if I should bail on her to pursue my dreams. Or is it manageable to do both things? She believes that it isn't. Thanks!
Click to expand...
Not going to medical school because of some girl you just met would be the biggest, stupidest mistake of your life. Hell, not going to medical school over any girl you're not married to or have kids with would still be the biggest mistake of your life, even if you hadn't just met them. You'll find in life that there's always going to be another girl, but you have to live with the guy you see in the mirror every day until you up and die. So make that guy someone you respect that's living the best life he can.

And get some self respect- this shouldn't even be a question, this girl's asking you to throw away your dreams ffs.
 
mcloaf said:
Someone who won't be with you if you pursue your dream is not someone you want to be with.
Click to expand...
I second this x1000, as someone who was proposed to AFTER deciding to quit my job and start a post-bacc. He said seeing me go for my dreams was better than watching me settle. Now we're married and I'm so glad I have a partner in all this.
 
Dude. You are missin out. If you are a decent lookin med student, Hot pharmacy, dental, pa girls will be all over you as long as you are not socially awkward.

After you quit school and be with her, you will soon lose interest to her in less than a month. You are only temporally attracted to her cause shes not good to you.
 
Last edited:
WOW. Is this even a thought. My takeaway from this.

1. She has issues. Dump her. If you do not go to med school, you will regret not being a doctor and also her dumping you. At some point in the near future, she will dump you. If you get married and she doesn't dump you, she will make your life miserable.

2. You have issues. To even ask such a ridiculous question esp after recently meeting someone and wanting to marry them shows me that you have judgment flaws.

3. After a quick thought, I think you should dump her and also not go to med school b/c you have such poor decision making and judgment flaws that you would be a poor doctor. Really..... I mean this.

4. Marriage requires a lot of sacrifice to be successful. Even if I knew a girl for 10 years, engaged. And she told me its either her or med school, then she will be dumped. If she can't handle this stress in a relationship, she won't be able to handle worse stress such as kids/inlaws/money issues/religious issues.

Hell.... even if I told her I wanted to be a garbage man and she would not stick by me, then I would dump her and fulfill my dreams as a garbage man less a doctor.

Anyhow, In short. Dump her. Don't go to med school. Don't date or marry for another 5 years

On second thought, if she is hot. Tell her you are not going to med school. Do the deed as often as you can. And when med school starts, tell her, sorry I chose med school over you but thanks for the summer fling.
 
Dr. Jar19 said:
Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else.


I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry.
Click to expand...
image.png
 
Anyone who would give you such a stark ultimatum ("med school or me") so early in your relationship is someone who needs to be run away from, FAST!

You've been warned.


Dr. Jar19 said:
Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else. I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry. She has discussed with me her feelings and says that if I continue with medical school, she won't marry me. I am going to be starting this coming fall and would love some advice or input as to whether I should bail on my dreams for this girl or if I should bail on her to pursue my dreams. Or is it manageable to do both things? She believes that it isn't. Thanks!
Click to expand...
 
SouthernSurgeon said:
There is no marriage to save. You're not married, you're not even engaged. The relationship is over, you just haven't figured that out yet.
Click to expand...
This.

OP, regardless of whether you go to medical school or don't go to medical school, it's time to move on relationship-wise. This girl clearly isn't in love with you.
 
Always chase your goals. Don't chase anybody. What and whomever belongs in your life will make their way in your life eventually. Everything eventually always falls into place as it should be.
 
Temeraire said:
What? I don't understand med students who can't keep their **** together and live like a normal (read: non-codependent) adult. Cook your own damn food, wash your own damn clothes. If you need therapy for anxiety and anger, go see a therapist; there's no shame in doing that. Just don't take it out on your girlfriend. Your girlfriend is not your mom, not your therapist, and she does not have to "cater to your needs 90% of the time."

OP: I really hope this is not the reason why your lady friend is hesitant to marry.
Click to expand...

So much truth here

I don't know why med students act like they are the only ones who work hard. You can still be a normal person and work hard. One of those times I feel like some work experience would be beneficial to people. Its not THAT big of a deal. Sometimes you'll be stressed, have less time, and be inflexible with your time...but so does everyone else in the world. Now some people might have it a little easier, but you can't worry about those comparisons. And I hate to do the "I do this" thing but I still make dinner, do the dishes, clean the house, do my laundry, exercise, watch movies, etc, etc. like any normal person does who has a full time job. Its simply about time management and being efficient with your time.

That said, I do kind of get it. Its just from being 22, being in school most of your life, and not having the full responsibilities of being an adult. I was probably the same way right out of college.

And to the OP, you need to have a real discussion on her thoughts/fears/feelings on this subject. Love with an ultimatum like this is not love. My wife was fully supportive of me wanting to go to med school, often times more than myself. If your right for each other then its great and med school won't change that. Sometimes you'll have to study when other people wouldn't, sometimes you will wish you could spend more time together...but that's life, everyone wishes for that.
 
mcloaf said:
Someone who won't be with you if you pursue your dream is not someone you want to be with.
Click to expand...

Straight up. I was in a similar situation at the start of medical school (although there was never any doubt that I wasnt going to med school regardless). I had similar "woe is me" thoughts but didn't act of them. Long story short, she pulled all kinds of bizarre **** and we ended up breaking up shortly after the start of school. I sort of think some people can't handle watching someone else chase their dream and go out of their way to be a saboteur. The number of breaks up I saw in 1st semester was mind-blowing. Focus on yourself for now, sounds like she definitely is..........
 
OP are you kidding me right now? Imagine dropping out of med school and then a week later this girl dumps you or cheats on you. How would you feel? Do not ever make a major life decision because of a girl unless she's your wife or your mom. You guys are not married and you just recently met her. Wake up!
 
Maybe op has an unconscious voice that's been telling him to not go into Med school and using this girl as an excuse to leave?

Bc I don't see how a normal person would have difficulty with this decision.
 
emergentmd said:
On second thought, if she is hot. Tell her you are not going to med school. Do the deed as often as you can. And when med school starts, tell her, sorry I chose med school over you but thanks for the summer fling.
Click to expand...

I would advise against this unless you want to deal with a "I'm pregnant" phone call 1 month into med school. In fact, I would avoid "the deed" with this individual from here on out.
 
Why is this even a question? OP I think you have some greater issues if you are able to even ask yourself this question.
 
Is she hot? You could consider listening to her and see how she behaves for a year or so. She MAY have simply done her homework and wants to save both yours and her young life.

Otherwise, life is short and if medical school or a hot chick is the choice at the moment, there IS none. However, at the same time, DO NOT LET ANYONE ELSE TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. Medical school/Residency is living Hell on earth and going through this decade without unconditional and over-the-top support from your girl, this will be tough..
 
She obviously doesn't love you enough if she's giving you that type of ultimatum. Reminds me of this old lady on Humans of NYC, who told her BF not to wait for her when he told her he would t wait for her while she went on a trip to Paris lol

She sure seemed happy with her decision 60+ years later


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app
 
Dr. Jar19 said:
Hey fellow med students,


So as of late I have been having a lot of feelings. My dream has been to be a doctor and nothing else. I have recently met a young lady that I love very much and am wanting to marry. She has discussed with me her feelings and says that if I continue with medical school, she won't marry me. I am going to be starting this coming fall and would love some advice or input as to whether I should bail on my dreams for this girl or if I should bail on her to pursue my dreams. Or is it manageable to do both things? She believes that it isn't. Thanks!
Click to expand...

Pal you won't stay with this girl. Why in the world would you want to marry someone who forbids you from pursuing your dreams. I guarantee you if you marry her you'll eventually get a divorce and will end up a lonely guy who is not a physician. On the other hand if you become a physician you'll have plenty of girls in the future and have the career you dreamed of. Please don't pursue her, as a physician I guarantee you'll regret it!
 
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