Marriage and a PhD

[TJuniper]

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Is it better to get married before, during or after graduate school?
Is it possible to take care of a baby during graduate school?
Do you have to tell the interviewers if you're married/pregnant/have a child?
Can you take off maternity leave during grad school?
(this is theoretical)

 

[krisrox]

Is it better to get married before, during or after graduate school?
Is it possible to take care of a baby during graduate school?
Do you have to tell the interviewers if you're married/pregnant/have a child?
Can you take off maternity leave during grad school?
(this is theoretical)

Most of this is up to your personal preference. It is totally possible to take care of a child and go to grad school- as many members of this forum can attest! You don't have to divulge any information about your personal life in an interview, but don't go into grad school with the expectation of a maternity leave/ taking a semester off. The tolerance of this varies by program.

A grad student in my lab had her baby during her 5th year. She's just working on her dissertation, no teaching, no real classes. She plans on securing an internship somewhere around our big city. The post-doc of my lab, on the other hand, waiting until after grad school (8 years!) to get married.

 

[Ollie123]

1) Absolutely. Many do.
2) Fewer do, but obviously possible. How easy it is depends on a number of factors including you, the school, your situation (e.g. family available to help?), etc.
3) You absolutely do NOT have to tell them anything about this. In fact, I think its illegal for them to ask. Whether its a good idea is a thorny issue, and again depends on an enormous number of factors. I generally tend to be up front about most everything (disclaimer: I'm male and don't want kids so I realize my situation is a bit different) - generally speaking I think if they react badly, you probably don't want to go there to begin with.
4) Again, some do. How easy it is depends on the program/advisor/etc. Obviously, doing so may push back your graduation timeline a bit.

Overall, this is really going to depend on too many factors for there to be absolutes. I'm in a pretty family-friendly program. A pretty sizable portion of the program consists of people with kids.

 

[deleted176373]

Is it better to get married before, during or after graduate school?
Is it possible to take care of a baby during graduate school?
Do you have to tell the interviewers if you're married/pregnant/have a child?
Can you take off maternity leave during grad school?
(this is theoretical)

In my program... Yes, Yes, No, Yes... Other grad programs may be different. I will state that it is not easier to do all of the above, but it can be done.

Mark

 

[psychmama]

Marriage is easier than kids in grad school. But a number of students in my program are parents -- so much depends on whether you have a supportive partner and/or other family supports to help out. Anything is possible. I have three kids myself, but I'm atypical.🙂

 

[ClinicalTrainee]

Is it better to get married before, during or after graduate school?
Is it possible to take care of a baby during graduate school?
Do you have to tell the interviewers if you're married/pregnant/have a child?
Can you take off maternity leave during grad school?
(this is theoretical)

In my program, lots of people get married during graduate school, and a few have kids (some took maternity leave, others just timed it to work along with the dissertation writing). From watching others go through the kid process, having a kid tends to increase the time to completion and often makes moving for internship harder.

I am actually in the opposite boat; I started grad school married and got divorced during my 3rd year. My ex-husband likes to tell people I left him for graduate school, which has a small grain of truth to it. He couldn't handle how much time I spent on schoolwork (and thus not not him).

One small thing to think about that influenced me is taxes. If your spouse or future spouse makes a lot, you end up combining your incomes for tax purposes and put into a higher tax bracket. When I was married, we had to pay taxes each year (even with paying quarterlies and taking extra out of each check) but now that I'm divorced I get a big refund. Of course, we had no kids and no home, and every situation is different, but just thought I'd throw that in there.

 

[smilie2131]

Marriage is easier than kids in grad school. But a number of students in my program are parents -- so much depends on whether you have a supportive partner and/or other family supports to help out. Anything is possible. I have three kids myself, but I'm atypical.🙂

I'm currently considering PhD programs, and my oldest child will be in kindergarten this fall and my youngest is 3. Most likely I would apply for the year (2011) my youngest will be in kindergarten. I'm wondering what it's like to juggle grad. school at the PhD level along with being a "soccer mom." I finished a general MA program so I have some idea of what is needed for graduate coursework and thesis research. However, I'm imagining that a PhD program in clinical psychology would be a big step up. Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

 

[psychmama]

I can only speak from my experience, of course, but I'll give my perspective in case it helps. Being a full-time doctoral student in psychology and a soccer mom means your plate is always full. I usually did my work late at night when my kids were asleep, and I tried as much as possible to never do school-related things on weekends. I tried to make all the big stuff, but missed my share of soccer games and even a few back to school nights and concerts (not many though, thankfully). Like most working mothers, I felt torn a good deal of the time between my responsibilities at home and my school obligations -- and I worried a lot about coming up short on both fronts. I was, and still am, tired a lot. My husband has been a tremendous help, but I'd be lying if I said we've never argued about who's doing what and whether the division of labor is fair.

On the other hand, being a student and a mom means that your life is more balanced than many of the single and childless students in your program. You learn not to sweat the small stuff, and when things get rocky at school you have your "other life" to come home to and keep you grounded.

Sometimes I felt like I was leading a "double life" -- it's sort of strange to be out of step with the other moms, as well as somewhat out of step with the other students without kids. In general, though, I think the dual roles of mother and psychology student complement one another. I also think my family informs my work, and vice-versa.

psychmama

 

[TJuniper]

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement.

Which one do you think was affected more: your ability to do schoolwork, or your ability to be a good mother?

 

[psychmama]

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement.

Which one do you think was affected more: your ability to do schoolwork, or your ability to be a good mother?

You're welcome. Probably schoolwork suffered at times, but not too much to keep me from getting a good internship and (hopefully) graduating on time. Luckily, the mom thing is about more than showing up at every single school event. In the ways that matter most, I've done okay by my kids, I think.🙄