Marriage in med school/residency to a younger student

[tiredmedstudent]

---

Members don't see this ad.

Boyfriend and I are in medical school (at the same school), one year apart (he is older but I am a year ahead because I did college faster). I'll be graduating a year before him, so that means we can't do the couples match.

So our options are:
(1) I could take a year off to do research or volunteering or something so that we'll be 4th years applying for residency together
(2) I could try to end up in a large city like Chicago with lots and lots of hospitals and residency programs to give him a better chance of ending up where I am
(3) any other suggestions?
We've been living an hour or two apart for several years now and would really like to be together for residency (although we go to the same medical school we are at two different campuses).

My other question is, when would a good time for us to get married be? I've heard that 4th year after interviews are done is good, but when I'm a 4th year he'll only be a 3rd year with busier rotations, and when he's a 4th year I'll be a busy resident (assuming that I choose option 2 above and don't wait a year. This is the downside of choosing option 2 above. The positive side is that I would be making money one year faster which would be fantastic).

Do any other doctors or med students have suggestions? Please let me know and thanks so much in advance!

 

[Winged Scapula]

This is commonly asked and the conventional wisdom is that it is best that the student who is a year ahead take a year off so that you couples match.

The question about when to get married is also commonly asked and if you do a search you will find a pleothora of threads. Again, the conventional wisdom is to do it during the latter half of 4th year - when both of you are 4th years.

 

[tiredmedstudent]

Thank you for your reply. Do you know if it would be possible for me to do a prelim or transitional year, then apply for residency with my fiance in the couples match? That way I could spend the extra year in a useful way?

 

[Ludicolo]

Do you know if it would be possible for me to do a prelim or transitional year, then apply for residency with my fiance in the couples match? That way I could spend the extra year in a useful way?

It’s possible. But you may find that getting time off for interviews during a busy internship may be somewhat challenging.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Thank you for your reply. Do you know if it would be possible for me to do a prelim or transitional year, then apply for residency with my fiance in the couples match? That way I could spend the extra year in a useful way?

I don't think anyone would suggest that you spend that year eating bon-bons and lying on the couch. You would be expected to do a year of research, work on an MPH/MBA or other advanced degree, etc.

But yes, it is possible although as Ludicolo notes above, getting time off to interview can be difficult as an intern.

 

[gutonc]

This is commonly asked and the conventional wisdom is that it is best that the student who is a year ahead take a year off so that you couples match.

To clarify...WS means that you should take a year off clinical work between 3rd and 4th year so that you both graduate together (do a research year, an MPH, something useful during that time).

 

[Winged Scapula]

To clarify...WS means that you should take a year off clinical work between 3rd and 4th year so that you both graduate together (do a research year, an MPH, something useful during that time).

Yes, thank you. That's exactly what I meant.

 

[DoctwoB]

To clarify...WS means that you should take a year off clinical work between 3rd and 4th year so that you both graduate together (do a research year, an MPH, something useful during that time).

While I would generally agree with this, it depends on what your and your mans desired specialty and relative competetiveness. If you're doing a longer/more competitive residency (e.g. Ortho or ENT), and he is doing something less competitive and shorter that he is extremely well qualified for (e.g. peds), then it may make sense for you to go ahead and match if you can handle the year apart. That way when he is applying, your PD can go to bat for you and help your boyfriend get in (which of course, works much better if your boyfriend is a competitive applicant) and you'll finish residency closer together.

 

[2012mdc]

While I would generally agree with this, it depends on what your and your mans desired specialty and relative competetiveness. If you're doing a longer/more competitive residency (e.g. Ortho or ENT), and he is doing something less competitive and shorter that he is extremely well qualified for (e.g. peds), then it may make sense for you to go ahead and match if you can handle the year apart. That way when he is applying, your PD can go to bat for you and help your boyfriend get in (which of course, works much better if your boyfriend is a competitive applicant) and you'll finish residency closer together.

I'm in a similar boat. Current 3rd year with interest in Rads and gf is a 2nd year interested in OB. We've talked about marriage but it's not close to a sure thing yet. We are at the same school.

I'm not too fond of taking a year off and I am also worried about couples matching hurting my chances.

My plan was to do the normal 4 years and go into the Match. Ideally get a prelim/TY year here where we live now. If I can't, it would likely be in a big city where she could do multiple rotations 4th year.

I figured that if I match somewhere with a lot of OB programs it wouldn't be too hard for her to follow me. If we are not married before her interviews does having a significant other in the region help at all? Or do we have to be married for it to make a difference?

 

[VAP1]

I have to say that I disagree with the other posts.

I think you need to take care of YOU.

Relationships come and go. If he is still in love with you after the year you are apart you will be fine. If he is not YOU still have the position you wanted and will go on and so will he.

Financially, a year off means a year that you will lose out on an attending income after finishing residency. If you subtract say 200K from a year of resident income of 45K that would be 155K lost. I would say that is a costly mistake.

SO, if you really love each other then you will be fine a year apart.

 

[turquoiseblue]

if you go ahead and start ahead of him, maybe you could even hook him up to get into the same residency as you do if you got into one. possibly the pd would understand and help you in that situation. chose a residency hospital that you both like and has specialties of choice for both. taking a year off makes your grad date further off and more difficult to get residency of choice, so it is not a great idea.

 

[nitemagi]

I think duration of residency has to be taken into account in addition to competition. Presuming you care at all about finishing at the same time. This may be the last consideration, though. Many people might tell you to consider your respective specialties, and use a year to leverage your chances at a particular program, such as in research/advanced degree, followed by away rotations to further maximize it. You have the advantage right now of being able to plan way ahead and talk to many people about the competitiveness of each specialty and which cities have the programs you would want.

A complex algorithm to be sure.

 

[Dr Magpie]

A couple with a similar situation at my medical school did as follows:

The guy (one year ahead) matched anesthesia in a large city with multiple training programs so that the chances his wife (in a not-very-competitive specialty, can't remember which) would match to at least one program, were high. I think his rank list was basically like:

1. Large city number 1
2. Large city number 2
etc, etc.

She did match in the same city and last I heard, all was well.

 

[JackADeli]

Thank you for your reply. Do you know if it would be possible for me to do a prelim or transitional year, then apply for residency with my fiance in the couples match? That way I could spend the extra year in a useful way?

I agree with WS & Gutonc.

I would add, choosing a prelim year can be risky. You will then be second time in the match and no longer be regarded as "fresh grad". There are numerous stories of prelims not being able to get a categorical position. Granted, most prelims, seem to be folks that had trouble in the match the first time around.... But, PDs may also presume this same reality even if you never tried for a categorical your first time around. Not to mention, taking a prelim may very well relegate you to doing a second intern year in order to get into a categorical position.

I think a one year research, MPH or something could put you both back on track. Yes, residencies are long and time needs to be considered. However, you are talking about both your career and hopefully longterm marital bliss. Presumably, one extra year even two shouldn't kill you or unduly rob you of your youth.

 

[Arcan57]

I was a year ahead and did an MPH (and got married) between 3rd and 4th years. The thought of going through intern year alone while dealing with the stress of whether she would match in the same city was unappealing. Staying in the same city for residency while she finished wouldn't have worked, since they didn't have her specialty. We expected to have a good chance of matching at multiple locations, so there wasn't a lot of leveraging (other than to let the programs know we were couples matching).

In regards to taking a year off being an expensive decision, yes and no. Factored over a 30 year career, the difference in lifetime earning is minimal. Especially if it keeps you from getting divorced, which is a common financial hazard for docs (and everybody else). If you're worried that your SO is going to keep you from being able to match in your chosen specialty, it's probably best to break it off now.

 

[michigangirl]

I agree with VAP1-- Imagine it as though you were both not in the medical field...then what would you do? For example, my fiancee was applying to law school during my third year which meant he would be starting law school my 4th year. We decided he would apply in only large cities where I would have a good chance of matching in peds, and then I did peds sub-I's at all the hospitals in that city I was willing to match at during 4th year to make sure I matched somewhere I could live with him.

For you, to make a salary starting right off is huge. Unless you have something very specific and useful to do during your year "off"-- I would definitely go ahead and match and just brave another year apart, just have a a strategy to make sure he matches in the city you match in. Don't know what specialty you both are looking at. But competitiveness obviously plays a role.

we got married the end of my third year before he started law school. It all depends on how much you can handle planning wise during clerkships-- I didn't care when was good for my husband because after all, the wedding was pretty much all me in terms of planning ;-)

So in a nutshell, I think you should just match and go with the flow-- it will most likely work out just fine. Good luck.

 

[docscience]

I have to say that I disagree with the other posts.

I think you need to take care of YOU.

Relationships come and go. If he is still in love with you after the year you are apart you will be fine. If he is not YOU still have the position you wanted and will go on and so will he.

SO, if you really love each other then you will be fine a year apart.

I agree...just broke up with my bf of 5 years!

 

[DoctwoB]

I was a year ahead and did an MPH (and got married) between 3rd and 4th years. The thought of going through intern year alone while dealing with the stress of whether she would match in the same city was unappealing. Staying in the same city for residency while she finished wouldn't have worked, since they didn't have her specialty. We expected to have a good chance of matching at multiple locations, so there wasn't a lot of leveraging (other than to let the programs know we were couples matching).

In regards to taking a year off being an expensive decision, yes and no. Factored over a 30 year career, the difference in lifetime earning is minimal. Especially if it keeps you from getting divorced, which is a common financial hazard for docs (and everybody else). If you're worried that your SO is going to keep you from being able to match in your chosen specialty, it's probably best to break it off now.

If you do take a year off, I would highly recommend doing a research year over an MPH year or MBA year, unless your career interests lie in the public health arena or medical administration. Research year you can get paid (albeit very little), but its a difference between a +20k stipend and a -40k tuition bill. That and published research will look as good or better for applicaitons to residency.