marriage / medical career?

[cellmatrix]

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Someone once told me "A Doctor's life does not begin until his fellowship". I've always defined myself and where I am in my life by where I am in my medical career. I'm going to a very excellent but intense fellowship in another part of the country next year and am in my final year of residency. For some strange reason, I can't feel like I want to settle down with someone and get married until I'm settled down in my work life and begin my fellowship. What are your thoughts on how medicine can affect your sense of your self and your romantic life?

 

[ForeverandEver]

Medicine certainly makes it more difficult to have a social life and meet people.

 

[Groove]

.

 

[DrCoffeeBean]

If you don't feel like settling down and having a family then the time is not right for you to do those things. It is your life and you have to do what will make and keep you happy, and not what you think you ought to be doing. This is true especially with regards to having a family. It will come when you are ready.

 

[sia_simba]

Mind over matter. You can do whatever you want. I had a great social life during residency and still do as an Attending and happily married.

 

[cellmatrix]

I don't think its been an issue about having difficulty meeting people while in residency. Rather, I've had an unhealthy inability to separate my work persona from my personal life persona. As such, I've always had trouble settling down mentally in my personal life, feeling like its not time to settle down and get married until I have finalized my sense of self professionally. Maybe I'm crazy. I think I'm good at what I'm doing in my residency and have been very successful in my career but I had a marriage fail in my personal life. I suppose it can't be that different from say, a surgeon or any busy medical professional going through a divorce. Maybe when I meet the right woman they'll make me feel at peace with myself and I won't want to feel like I'm still in some kind of preparatory phase and the rest of my life is really just around the corner. There is a special sort of psychological stress for medical trainees, I think, where you spend years focused on viewing view your life as climbing a ladder from professional stage to stage, and you thus never feel settled in your own skin.

 

[Law2Doc]

... unhealthy ... I've always had trouble ... mentally ... Maybe I'm crazy... I had a marriage fail in my personal life... special sort of psychological stress... never feel settled in your own skin.

above is how one can read between the lines of your prior post. Sounds like you have more than a few things to work out, and you are "blaming" your career goals for the lack of balance. Stop looking at yourself as your career. Your career is just what you do. It doesn't define you, but it gives you a pretty handy "excuse" for other aspects of your life.

 

[PharmaTope]

I don't think its been an issue about having difficulty meeting people while in residency. Rather, I've had an unhealthy inability to separate my work persona from my personal life persona. As such, I've always had trouble settling down mentally in my personal life, feeling like its not time to settle down and get married until I have finalized my sense of self professionally. Maybe I'm crazy. I think I'm good at what I'm doing in my residency and have been very successful in my career but I had a marriage fail in my personal life. I suppose it can't be that different from say, a surgeon or any busy medical professional going through a divorce. Maybe when I meet the right woman they'll make me feel at peace with myself and I won't want to feel like I'm still in some kind of preparatory phase and the rest of my life is really just around the corner. There is a special sort of psychological stress for medical trainees, I think, where you spend years focused on viewing view your life as climbing a ladder from professional stage to stage, and you thus never feel settled in your own skin.

life is always like that. people lose jobs, start from the bottom again working up. cant stop life. life happens when you are making plans for other things

 

[cellmatrix]

Medical training, because of its length, engenders a "life is just around the corner" mentality. I don't think thats an excuse for personal flaws...people function in accordance with habits, and if your actions consist of spending year after year chasing after some distant goal, i.e. medical school admission, followed by best residency possible, followed by best fellowship possible...then it becomes difficult to settle on the present moment of life.

I guess I'm like a dog who has always been chasing cars all day...what would I do if it actually caught one?

 

[Janedoedoctor]

Medical training, because of its length, engenders a "life is just around the corner" mentality. I don't think thats an excuse for personal flaws...people function in accordance with habits, and if your actions consist of spending year after year chasing after some distant goal, i.e. medical school admission, followed by best residency possible, followed by best fellowship possible...then it becomes difficult to settle on the present moment of life.

I guess I'm like a dog who has always been chasing cars all day...what would I do if it actually caught one?

You describe exactly what I meant to say.
OP, the process of becoming the excellent attending with the perfect CV you want to be will take at least 12 years of your life, probably more. And they will be your formative, most healthy and (normally) most carefree years. These can never be relived.
By its very nature medical training beats down heavily on your personal life. Letting it be consumed completely in favour of being 'the best' at the game of medicine can be seductive. You'll be chasing something at every step of the way, and once you're an attending, there'll forever be something else to chase. As long as you enjoy this chase, there seems to be no problem.
But most of us will one day realise that we gave up on our chance to travel the world, excell at a sport, play an instrument, be with our friends and family, or start our own family. These things may seem less important to you now, but in the end they make you a complete human being, perhaps even more than academic excellence ever can.
Don't exaggerate in postponing your life. There's nothing wrong with a little delayed gratification but do realise you'll never get back what you gave up.

 

[lowbudget]

Someone once told me "A Doctor's life does not begin until his fellowship". I've always defined myself ...

Oops... stop right there; and put a period after the word "myself." I won't worry so much about what others are telling you. I think you're old enough and mature enough to figure out what a doctor's life means to you. Because, it's just that: it's your life and as much as you would like someone else to impart their wisdom, at the end of the day, it's your life and can choose to live it however the way you want.

If you sat back one day in the middle of all this crazy medical training you're undergoing and look at things from a bird's eye view, you'll realize that there are a lot of things you can appreciate and enjoy. You can appreciate and enjoy the friends you've made and the co-workers you've shared crazy experiences with. You'll appreciate that you've been given an opportunity to succeed while others have never been given (or earned) that opportunity. I think you'll feel better about yourself if you start enjoying your own life the way that it is/has been presented, *right now; than to wait to enjoy it once fellowship begins. It's not a situational issue, in my opinion. It's a mindset opinion. What's interesting is that once you view your situation more positively, your situation (medical training) in turn starts to treat you more positively.

 

[Impromptu]

Medical training is a long road. Why not share it with someone? In 4 years you will finish medical school, 3-5 years of residency, several years becoming established. What then? Do you expect there to be someone who can understand you fully at that point? Not likely outside of the medical field.

If you get married earlier in life, then they can grow and share that experience with you, help you and support you. They will be the person you need them to be at all points along the way. I knew many people who were already married when they entered medical school. They made their family life a priority and kept them from becoming selfish. Their spouses seemed to grow with them. Their families grounded them and kept them sane. Their lives were very balanced and they were happy.

 

[lipomas]

Someone once told me "A Doctor's life does not begin until his fellowship". I've always defined myself and where I am in my life by where I am in my medical career. I'm going to a very excellent but intense fellowship in another part of the country next year and am in my final year of residency. For some strange reason, I can't feel like I want to settle down with someone and get married until I'm settled down in my work life and begin my fellowship. What are your thoughts on how medicine can affect your sense of your self and your romantic life?

That's a good idea in theory. Of course if you meet someone you want to marry that changes.

But medical education and training is hell on spouses, even spouses in the same field. So be very cautious. So whether it effects you a great deal personally is essentially beside the point, because if you are married or otherwise committed you are a couple and everything that you do and that effects you effects them too. So they start to resent you if you work late. Or are on call. Someone in the medical field can understand this, but they often don't either because they have their field and feel like they can deal with it, so why can't you?

Whatever happens you have to find the right person. If you meet them earlier, so be it. But make sure they are ready and don't sugarcoat the difficulties.

 

[cellmatrix]

Both of my parents were doctors and lived their lives and raised their family accordingly. My dad used to tell me, "Patients first, family second, by taking care of patients I'm able to take care of family." I was not raised particularly religious either though I have become very spiritual during the course of my work and being in such proximity to death all the time with leukemia/lymphoma cases. For me, the solution growing increasingly apparent is to let my spirituality inform my decisions regarding how to conduct myself not only professionally, but also romantically as well. I used to let my sense of career and "duty" be the guiding forces in my life and it led to complete ruin in my personal life. I thought I was being dutiful by always putting career ahead, I think it only engendered a very self centered mindset which is the antithesis of what is needed for a successful, healthy romantic relationship or marriage. I remember during our first lecture/introduction in medical school, the attending addressing the audience and telling us that we will have to sacrifice a lot to function properly...that did not carry much weight at the time. Only now, almost 8 years and a failed marriage attempt later, do I realize how much of a toll that medicine can take on oneself. No one actively attempting to do their best in life realizes when they are making mistakes until after the fact. I am happy and blessed with what I've been given in life, but happiness should not factor into the equation for those who truly decide to serve.