Medicine and Spouses - Need help

[sleepyintern]

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So, I just started my internship (about 1 month in now). Yes, I know its supposed to be a stressful year, but please don't just attribute the following problem to being a stressed intern. Take an objective look...am I just a stressed out intern, or are my wife and I going to be unhappy forever?

I have been married for 4 years (got married young at 22 just after undergrad) and over the past year or so, I have been having real doubts about remaining with my wife. I just feel like I changed so much going through the process of becoming a doctor that I sometimes look at my wife and wonder what we have in common.

I feel like we are in two completely different places intellectually. She went to college and all, but it doesn't seem like she has grown at all since we married. She's not really interested in hearing about things that happen over call nights. She's not interested in talking about anything else I find interesting (politics, current issues etc) and simply changes the topic when I try to engage in discussion. She seems more interested in doing things I find extremely boring and I no longer feel any intellectual stimulation.

I think she is happy with our marriage, but I know I am not right now. I find myself much much happier interacting socially with colleagues at work (other doctors). I feel like if we were dating now, at our current places in life, we would have never married for lack of having things in common. What's worse, she wants to start having kids, but I don't want to yet for fear that things won't work out between us.

Just curious if anyone else married before going into medicine and had similar problems or how you dealt with them. So, what do you think, stressed-out intern or real marriage problem?

 

[mercaptovizadeh]

So, I just started my internship (about 1 month in now). Yes, I know its supposed to be a stressful year, but please don't just attribute the following problem to being a stressed intern. Take an objective look...am I just a stressed out intern, or are my wife and I going to be unhappy forever?

I have been married for 4 years (got married young at 22 just after undergrad) and over the past year or so, I have been having real doubts about remaining with my wife. I just feel like I changed so much going through the process of becoming a doctor that I sometimes look at my wife and wonder what we have in common.

I feel like we are in two completely different places intellectually. She went to college and all, but it doesn't seem like she has grown at all since we married. She's not really interested in hearing about things that happen over call nights. She's not interested in talking about anything else I find interesting (politics, current issues etc) and simply changes the topic when I try to engage in discussion. She seems more interested in doing things I find extremely boring and I no longer feel any intellectual stimulation.

I think she is happy with our marriage, but I know I am not right now. I find myself much much happier interacting socially with colleagues at work (other doctors). I feel like if we were dating now, at our current places in life, we would have never married for lack of having things in common. What's worse, she wants to start having kids, but I don't want to yet for fear that things won't work out between us.

Just curious if anyone else married before going into medicine and had similar problems or how you dealt with them. So, what do you think, stressed-out intern or real marriage problem?

I think you're attitude is the problem and that you're at the crossroads of 1.) a successful, long, and happy marriage or 2.) multiple divorces and remarriages.

Please don't choose 2. Why did you initially enjoy your wife's company? What conversations did you have? What are her interests? It's not all about medicine. Medicine is not the most important/interesting/fascinating subject that you need to live it 24/7. You should get out of your intern bubble and realize tha the world is a lot bigger than medicine and that to suddenly do something rash because your wife doesn't relate to your interests in medicine would be stupid.

 

[sleepyintern]

Thanks for the reply, although I don't think I was clear enough.

No, its not just about medicine per se. I was more referring to the difficulty in reconciling the intellectual growth a person may have as a result of medical training with having a spouse that may not go through the same process of change. This seems to affect many things in our relationship, not just her interest in my career.

So my question was, has anyone else felt this way, and how did they deal with it?

 

[MrBruxist]

Not that this should have any bearing on your situation, but there may be some truth to what you are saying. Just google physician divorce rates - they are higher for those who got married before becoming a physician.

You must have had something in common at one point, but maybe you don't anymore. Anyway, try to stick it out through intern year. You'll have more time to work things out when your less busy.

 

[captfp001]

Intellectual growth? Get over yourself. Come on leave the job at the hospital when you can otherwise it will ruin your marriage.

I am sure you are attracted to your wife otherwise you would not have married her. Just feel lucky you are getting good regular ass as an intern.

The question is it about intellectual growth or some fantasy about scoring with some hot nurse, dietician, social worker or maybe another attractive housestaff?

Certainly do not have children if you are having doubts about staying in this marriage.

Divorces are not uncommon during residency, but life is easier with a wife to take care of you during this difficult time.

 

[peppy]

Divorces are not uncommon during residency, but life is easier with a wife to take care of you during this difficult time.

I think this is a good point. Another factor is that sometimes it is a good thing to have a spouse who is not involved with medicine too, so you can get a break from it.
Might be a good idea to tell your wife that you feel like you two have not had much opportunity to really connect lately and try to think of some activity that you two can do together (without placing any blame on her for not "growing" intellectually or anything like that).

 

[docdaname]

Intellectual growth? Get over yourself. Come on leave the job at the hospital when you can otherwise it will ruin your marriage.

I am sure you are attracted to your wife otherwise you would not have married her. Just feel lucky you are getting good regular ass as an intern.

The question is it about intellectual growth or some fantasy about scoring with some hot nurse, dietician, social worker or maybe another attractive housestaff?
.

not to hijack the thread...but for me i was considering my relationship with my longterm girlfriend....but it was totally about a fantasy to score with some hot nurse, dietician, social worker or maybe another attractive housestaff"...as you put it oh so nicely! I mean whats the point of being a young succesful doctor if you cant do that? I decided not to risk it and to stay with my girlfriend. I think you should consider the same, but then again i dont know you or your wife.

 

[dpmd]

I got married before becoming a doctor, but despite the fact I have gone through all this schooling and training, while my husband has just continued working I don't think my "intellectual growth" has affected things in our relationship much. Yes, there is stuff that he doesn't get on the same level that someone training with me does (although he enjoys hearing stories nonetheless), but I know that there is stuff that I don't understand on the same level as his coworkers. Doesn't stop us from talking and trying to understand what is going on in each other's lives. Also, we have other interests in common that have nothing to do with intelligence. He has some activities that I don't really enjoy, and I know I have some he doesn't want to participate in, but after seven years of marriage (as of today) we understand that we don't have to do eveything together, or be everything to each other. Maybe what you need is someone to have politcal debates with, or whatever highly intellectually stimulating stuff you want. Then at the end of the day you have to figure out if you still love her and can spend time with her in a way you both enjoy.

You should talk with her, but I would avoid saying things like you no longer find her intellectually stimulating, or that you feel she hasn't grown at all during your marriage. Just tell her that you have been feeling disconnected from her lately and that you want to work on reconnecting (assuming you still want to). You may want to try marital counseling. I think is a good idea for you not to have kids till things are more solid.

 

[MrBurns10]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think this has nothing to do with medicine and everything to do with the fact that you married right out of college. I think sometimes it's hard to know if you really are good together when you run in the same circle of friends, probably hang out in groups a lot, etc. All of a sudden you graduate and it's just the two of you, and problems you never knew you had start creeping up. Besides, there is still a lot of growth and maturity to be gained in your mid-20s and people change. What you posted describes a friend of mine exactly, and he's not in medicine.

Anyway, that's just my interpretation of a single post, so I may be wrong. I think you should talk to her about your concerns and try to reconnect. Tell her it's important to you for her to take some interest in your interests and you do the same for hers, and see where that takes you. And if that doesn't work, maybe consider counseling.

But whatever you do, don't have kids until you have this worked out.

 

[Winged Scapula]

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I think this has nothing to do with medicine and everything to do with the fact that you married right out of college. I think sometimes it's hard to know if you really are good together when you run in the same circle of friends, probably hang out in groups a lot, etc. All of a sudden you graduate and it's just the two of you, and problems you never knew you had start creeping up. Besides, there is still a lot of growth and maturity to be gained in your mid-20s and people change. What you posted describes a friend of mine exactly, and he's not in medicine.

That is exactly what I was thinking.

22 is awfully young to be married and there is a LOT of growing up that occurs during ones 20s and early 30s. Sometimes you get lucky and you and your spouse grow together and in the same diection, but often times you do not.

I have seen the same things happen to many friends not remotely involved in medicine or other graduate training. The others have good points in terms of how to approach this with your wife and the issue of having children.

 

[DonStracci]

I think the fact that you married right at the start of med school has a big effect on your relationship and the connection you share with your spouse. You've been absorbed in medicine since marrying, and I wonder about the foundation upon which your marriage started.

My spouse is not in medicine, and I married very young (21!). However, I had a totally different career before med school. My husband and I had a lot of life experiences before I entered medicine, and we have a unique background that is just amazing. I love being married to him, and I'm so glad he's not in medicine. Sure, he doesn't care too much about the amazing surgeries in which I assist or my weirdo clinic patients, but it's sooo refreshing to come home each night and NOT have medicine on my mind.

I honestly think I don't totally fit in with doctors. I love talking about gardening, cooking, cleaning products (mundane, right?)... my circle of friends has always been outside of medicine. But you personally need to find that connection with your wife. You must have had some commonality, interests, something, to start your relationship, right? Talk about that with her. Don't repress it- be open and honest. With the huge undertaking of intern year, don't add to your stresses by letting your marriage crumble. I wish you luck with this.

 

[Pilot Doc]

Intern year is a bad time to make any big decision - getting married, getting divorced, having a kid, buying a house etc.

Work on the relationship best you can and reassess in a year.

 

[sleepyintern]

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies. Just getting finished with 30 hours of call, so I haven't had time to respond. In reflecting on what has been said, I think it's probably true that I have probably just changed and grown in ways unrelated to medicine.

I didn't mean to offend anyone by referring to "intellectual growth" and of course I would never use that phrase talking with my wife. I was simply trying to honestly reflect the situation. I could give examples, but most people have a sense of what I'm getting at. This seems to have become an issue at a bad time...I have close to no time to work on things right now.

I think this was just a stupid attempt, on my part, to find some sort of validation for the way I'm feeling right now. This probably wasn't the right place to bring up this topic, I just wanted input from people with backgrounds similar to mine.

 

[Ludicolo]

Hi everyone, thanks for the replies. Just getting finished with 30 hours of call, so I haven't had time to respond. In reflecting on what has been said, I think it's probably true that I have probably just changed and grown in ways unrelated to medicine.

I didn't mean to offend anyone by referring to "intellectual growth" and of course I would never use that phrase talking with my wife. I was simply trying to honestly reflect the situation. I could give examples, but most people have a sense of what I'm getting at. This seems to have become an issue at a bad time...I have close to no time to work on things right now.

I think this was just a stupid attempt, on my part, to find some sort of validation for the way I'm feeling right now. This probably wasn't the right place to bring up this topic, I just wanted input from people with backgrounds similar to mine.

If you value your marriage, you have to make time. A healthy marriage requires work, sometimes just as much effort as you’d put into residency or a career. Strive for balance between home and work. Communicate with each other. Get counseling if necessary. She might be ready for kids, but it doesn’t sound like you are at all.

 

[v112233s]

If you value your marriage, you have to make time.

The problem is time can be very limited for those in the health care business. I have a similar situation of growing in different ways from my girl friend since I started med school. What's different is that it's me who find it hard to keep up with her life and social circle. Med school can be very stressful, and I think those whose significant others are MDs have to put up with a lot. It's not easy... You might not realize how important she is to you, so I wouldn't make any rash decision. There must be many reasons why you married her in the first place. I would think hard about those reasons. Just my 2 cents.

 

[cali-ob]

You are not alone in what you are going through. I just celebrated my 11 year anniversary and in many ways, I feel that my husband and I have grown in different ways. You are very much a different person right out of college than you are several years later.
No one here can answer for you whether you and your wife have grown apart in such a dramatic way that there can be no finding your way back.
I agree with the advice to seek counseling. I know time is limited, but you don't have kids so you should be able to carve out 1 hour per week for this.
It sounds like your wife is unaware of the way you are feeling. You need to let her know that you aren't feeling as connected as you once did, and you would like some help reconnecting with her via counseling before you two start your family so you can start off with a stronger foundation....or something like that. I think a previous poster put it very well.
I get what you are saying, and I understand you weren't trying to be snobby by implying you have grown past her. Rather, you are stimulated by something that she isn't giving you and that is very valid. You need to deal with it, before someone else at work comes along and give you the mental/intellectual stimulation you are craving and you end up in an extramarital affair. People think Grey's Anatomy is fake TV stuff, but it happens at hospitals too. When you are unhappy in your marriage, you are vulnerable to making mistakes like that.
Make time to get help. If you work on it, and give it your best shot either 1. you will reconnect and move forward together. or 2. you will realize you are two different people who have grown apart and you will be able to separate and move on knowing you did all that you could (without dragging innocent children into it).
Good luck.

 

[youknowthedrill]

I'm a pre-dental student who was doing a search on SDN and ran across this thread. I hope you doc's don't mind if I offer my 2 cents as the spouse of a physician. My husband and I married young, 2 years prior to his starting med school. Staying connected with your spouse during medical training can be difficult for both of you. We chose to have children after my husband completed his fellowship, but most of the married couples that we knew started their families during residency. I think most of my friends wanted to have children because they were lonely. You are probably exhausted when you get home most days. I learned not to talk to my husband about important issues when he was post-call, he was too tired to process our conversations. It is important for you and your wife to find some common interests and to schedule regular dates. Everyone (including you wife) will have doubts about their marriage at some point, but if you stick it out, I think you will be glad you did. And life does get better once you finish your training.

 

[nope80]

Did you feel like this before intern year started? Have you done anything to repair the situation? Have you talked with your wife about it?

It seems kinda selfish to just sit there and complain that suddenly you have nothing intellectual in common and that she doesn't want to hear about your surgeries and you'd rather talk to other doctors etc after you committed to marrying her knowing full well that (a) you both will change and evolve in your marriage together and that (b) you would be a dr and she wouldn't. If your problem is mainly surrounded by things in common, I don't know, it doesn't seem like grounds for divorce. If you have a hobby she isn't interested in, you can pursue that on your own; you don't kick someone to the curb because of something like that. I would say, work on it. Make an effort. Don't just more forward along on your own wavelength, take her along as much as possible and try to grow together. Talk to her, make time, and understand where she is coming from. Also, I wouldn't make any major decisions now given that you are an intern and are going through stressful times.