Moving away from family for residency?

[deleted689446]

I just wanted to hear from residents who chose to move away from their family / support system for residency... Do you have any regrets?

I'm extremely close with my parents - we moved to the states when I was young and quite literally it's just 3 of us in the states. When I moved away for college, I felt like I grew a lot as a person and it was a great life experience. But I could tell my parents really had difficult time having me so far away from home. I moved closer to family for medical school, which I admit was comforting and easy. Now I'm applying for residency and I can't decide if I want to stay near family or not for residency. Distance-wise, I've gotten IVs from programs that are as close as 20 min / under 1 hour away from home to programs on the other side of the country. I know I can worry about this later in January when all interviews are done; but I'm also at a point where I need to decide on which interviews to cancel. Do I cancel based on distance/location? Strength of the program?

I've always felt the need to stay near my parents and take care of them as they grow older; and they're also my main support system. I understand this is a completely personal decision; but I was wondering what other residents' experiences have been moving away for residency (or conversely staying near family). Is the adjustment difficult? Is it worth it to go to a "better" program, away from family?

Any input would be greatly appreciated!

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[fasteddie911]

Depends on your specialty, your plans after residency (fellowship?), what you want to do/live as attending, etc. For example, if you wanted to be pcp in your own community the approach may be different than if you wanted a high power academic career in GI.

 

[mvenus929]

Also, whether things are difficult or not is going to vary based on the person. I’m very close with my mom, but I also moved a lot during childhood, so I’m very used to adjusting to new situations and making new friends. So moving away wasn’t that challenging for me. It may be very stressful for others, especially depending on the rigor of the program.

If you move to the other side of the country, you should mentally prepare for only seeing your parents 3 times per year. If that’s something that you’re comfortable with, then go for it. If you’d like to see them more often, live closer.

 

[deleted689446]

Depends on your specialty, your plans after residency (fellowship?), what you want to do/live as attending, etc. For example, if you wanted to be pcp in your own community the approach may be different than if you wanted a high power academic career in GI.

Also, whether things are difficult or not is going to vary based on the person. I’m very close with my mom, but I also moved a lot during childhood, so I’m very used to adjusting to new situations and making new friends. So moving away wasn’t that challenging for me. It may be very stressful for others, especially depending on the rigor of the program.

If you move to the other side of the country, you should mentally prepare for only seeing your parents 3 times per year. If that’s something that you’re comfortable with, then go for it. If you’d like to see them more often, live closer.

I'm going into IM with plans to specialize in pulm/cc. Not really sure if I'd want an academic career, so I don't want to close that door. I guess I have to be completely honest with myself and figure out what I really want for my career/life. I don't think adjusting to a new city / starting in a new place would be that difficult. But I feel guilty moving away for "better" / new experience during residency. This is going to be a lot difficult than I thought it would be...

 

[Burnted_out]

I just wanted to hear from residents who chose to move away from their family / support system for residency... Do you have any regrets?

I'm extremely close with my parents - we moved to the states when I was young and quite literally it's just 3 of us in the states. When I moved away for college, I felt like I grew a lot as a person and it was a great life experience. But I could tell my parents really had difficult time having me so far away from home. I moved closer to family for medical school, which I admit was comforting and easy. Now I'm applying for residency and I can't decide if I want to stay near family or not for residency. Distance-wise, I've gotten IVs from programs that are as close as 20 min / under 1 hour away from home to programs on the other side of the country. I know I can worry about this later in January when all interviews are done; but I'm also at a point where I need to decide on which interviews to cancel. Do I cancel based on distance/location? Strength of the program?

I've always felt the need to stay near my parents and take care of them as they grow older; and they're also my main support system. I understand this is a completely personal decision; but I was wondering what other residents' experiences have been moving away for residency (or conversely staying near family). Is the adjustment difficult? Is it worth it to go to a "better" program, away from family?

Any input would be greatly appreciated!

If you are close to your parents and they are your main support I would suggest staying close. residency is challenging and stressful and it's important to have a good support network. I am close to my parents also and it was tough on me and probably even tougher on my mom in particular for me to be across the country.

 

[AdmiralChz]

I didn’t have much of a choice, but moving away (10+ hour drive) was the best thing I could have done. I gained a ton of independence, confidence and learned a lot about myself in residency. Plus I met my wife very early on, so I didn’t feel all that alone.

You can always move back after training (which I did, and i love it).

 

[DokterMom]

Consider also that staying close to home might make things harder when you have to prioritize your work over family. If you're a four-hour plane flight away, you can't be expected to drop everything and come home for every minor emergency. If you're 20 minutes away though, why can't you make it home for Sunday dinner when it's your father's birthday?

Also consider your parents' age, health and resiliency. How independent are they now?

 

[fasteddie911]

What's the difference in program caliber close to home vs far away? How's their match list? Are their pulm/cc fellowships nearby? I think it depends where you live and what programs are inviting you, near and far. I did med school near home, but residency across the country. However, I'm not as close to my parents as you seem. I wanted to go to the "best" program I could, for training and admittedly ego, slightly, but also to setup me up for fellowship in case, with the intention to return home to practice. I don't regret the decision. Yes, going away can build some independence and growth and stuff, but it's not a big deal. For someone like yourself, if your ego can handle it and your career goals can be met, I wouldn't see anything wrong with staying closer to home. Unless you have a higher calling, medicine is just a job at the end of the day.

Edit; if you wanted to provide your stats, programs interviewing at, etc. I'm sure we could give a better answer. For example, if you're in LA, scored 250 and debating between UCLA vs hopkins, that's a bit different than scoring a 220 and Olive View vs hopkins.

 

[Crayola227]

If it's not an impediment to career and ultimately life goals, you should always prioritize being closer to family and spending time with them

Your parents will not live forever, and you might sleep better at night knowing you made a compromise that didn't compromise your career, to spend the time with them that you did as a result

People's biggest regrets in life are not pursuing their vocation and regarding family. If you are lucky enough to address the former, don't neglect the latter.

It depends on who you are. For some people it might sting more that they didn't move to whatever state for whatever adventure and stayed closer to family.

There was a sting for me that all my educational choices kept me closer to home, at the time, but now that I've got a few relatives in the grave and other life stuff, I see now that getting my bachelor's and doctorate and training closer to home, allowing me the time I had with some people before they were gone, was so much more rewarding. I don't think about the names on those diplomas with any regret. I think about that last Christmas home, and the random weekends before that. I'm basically in the same place as a lot of people, except they went to have the adventures and now regret the time they didn't spend at home, and I don't.

If your life takes the typical course, your parents will die and you will have a fair chunk of your life to move somewhere else for the heck of it. I know some people have regrets about putting off travel and adventure because later in life other family obligations like children and spouses get in the way.

I didn't take a year abroad in college, and I wish I had. But it's OK. Even with family, you can still make it out of your home range to other places if you really want.

 

[Burnted_out]

If it's not an impediment to career and ultimately life goals, you should always prioritize being closer to family and spending time with them

Your parents will not live forever, and you might sleep better at night knowing you made a compromise that didn't compromise your career, to spend the time with them that you did as a result

People's biggest regrets in life are not pursuing their vocation and regarding family. If you are lucky enough to address the former, don't neglect the latter.

It depends on who you are. For some people it might sting more that they didn't move to whatever state for whatever adventure and stayed closer to family.

There was a sting for me that all my educational choices kept me closer to home, at the time, but now that I've got a few relatives in the grave and other life stuff, I see now that getting my bachelor's and doctorate and training closer to home, allowing me the time I had with some people before they were gone, was so much more rewarding. I don't think about the names on those diplomas with any regret. I think about that last Christmas home, and the random weekends before that. I'm basically in the same place as a lot of people, except they went to have the adventures and now regret the time they didn't spend at home, and I don't.

If your life takes the typical course, your parents will die and you will have a fair chunk of your life to move somewhere else for the heck of it. I know some people have regrets about putting off travel and adventure because later in life other family obligations like children and spouses get in the way.

I didn't take a year abroad in college, and I wish I had. But it's OK. Even with family, you can still make it out of your home range to other places if you really want.

I think this is very true. I moved back to home-ish state after residency to be close to parents. The market here is painfully saturated so I have given up better career opportunities to be close to parents. But I get to see my parents basically almost weekly which I enjoy. My spouse can see his family more too. Sure I will now have to do a fellowship to enhacne my career opportunities but it's wonderful to sit at the table with the people who were my backbone through this grueling journey so definitely worth it. Also like you say I decided to try to enjoy life as much as possible during the educational process - I got judged a lot during residency in particular because I would go out to try restaurants, iw ould travel internationally, take weekend trips to see new places, go to shows, etc. Life is short. No one I'm sure on their deathbed said Oh I'm sorry I did not get that additional degree or made that extra 50k. But I'm sure they regret not enjoying life, not spending it with loved ones, etc.

Family and life are important and if any attending, administrator, etc tells you otherwise - they are wrong and you should not listen to them!

 

[evilbooyaa]

Depends on how independent your parents are, and how independent you are of your parents.

I went a long drive away from home for med school. For residency I ended up hours away. I think you should apply for both places close and places you would really want to go and end up.

Where do you want to live when you're an attending? Near your parents or somewhere else? If the latter, then apply to residencies where that somewhere else is.

 

[hallowmann]

There are definitely times I regret it. I see my family at most 2-3 times a year now (a vacation is basically the only time I'm able to see them), and that's going from seeing them almost 8-10 times more every year for pretty much most of my life. Its especially hard given that some of those have to be split with my wife's family, and it also means my kids don't see their grandparents all that often. My rank list was a combination of reflecting an interest in specific regions with connections (family, friends, etc.) and what was important for my career long-term. I'm glad I'm in my program, I like it and its important for my long-term goals, but if I could have done it in reasonable driving distance of home, I would have.

I think you need to be honest with yourself about what benefits you will be afforded at further away programs than ones closer to home. If the difference is minor, I would err on the side of staying close to home. That way you can see your family more often, like when you have a golden weekend and save vacations for leisure travel.

 

[Homo sapien]

for me it's both. I am from Mississippi where my people still are but went to the Midwest for residency. It's definitely kind of odd to not have my mom so close like before. I think a lot of it depends on how close you are, and, also, how much you relied on that closeness as to how much it will affect you

 

[hmockingbird]

I moved back to my hometown for residency for the first time since high school. It wasn’t what I was planning on but happened to love a program there. It was surprisingly nice because I’m able to rely on my parents for certain life things when I’m really busy and I like seeing them more often. However it’s not essential for me. My parents and I are able to stay close without seeing each other all the time and we are all used to living in different places (my siblings are also in different states and extended family is all across the country). Proximity to family is literally is not a factor in my job search now. So I agree it depends on your relationship with your parents and personality.

 

[wjs010]

I went to Med school away from family, but boy I wish I would have chosen a residency closer to family


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[gutonc]

I went to Med school away from family, but boy I wish I would have chosen a residency closer to family

I went to med school away from family. Wish I'd stayed away for residency...and fellowship...and attendinghood.

 

[ortnakas]

I went to med school away from family. Wish I'd stayed away for residency...and fellowship...and attendinghood.

I feel you. I love my family dearly, but I like them better a flight away.

 

[Burnted_out]

I feel you. I love my family dearly, but I like them better a flight away.

I see my parents weekly, sometimes more than once a week. I figure I don't know how long my parents will be around so I want to be able to spend the most time I can with them.

 

[shiftingmirage]

It's a personal decision. I went out of state for college, med school and residency and don't regret it. I was generally 5-6 hours by car or 1 hour by fllight. If it was cross country, I may have a different opinion. I also come from a family where my parents were working long hours and frequently traveling so there were few family dinners growing up and we moved frequently. I know that is not the standard. One thing I haven't seen mentioned is the support you will receive from your coresidents as you go through residency. They were of great help to me.