My personal statement

[TongueFuCal]

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My brain feels like it's in a total meltdown. Chem exam next week, second shot at the GRE and a micro test on top of my VMCAS, personal statement, etc.

If anyone has the time to review my PS, I'd appreciate any criticism, feedback or comments.

 

[TongueFuCal]

🙂 I see 21 views. I'd better not hear about 21 other "similar" statements.

 

[Pomona2006]

My *humble* suggestions:

1. Perhaps obvious, but...be careful with the character limit (as it is currently over 7,000 and the limit is 5,000)
2. Rework the first paragraph
3. Watch out for run on sentences
4. Try to keep it as upbeat as possible. You talk about the death of a friend, the fact that he overdosed, and "if I were to die tomorrow" - careful with how you phrase stuff so that your readers aren't put off. I would personally suggest you eliminate the overdose fact and maybe say it was an accidental or tragic death. You touched the Randy Pausch stuff nicely, with a positive attitude (which can be a sensitive topic since he just recently passed), so I would suggest trying to keep that positive attitude throughout, even when talking about things like death. For instance, I don't think you necessarily have to say "if I were to die tomorrow" but rather just say that you've often considered what lasting impressions you've had on the world.

Those are some of my thoughts...but it is a good statement, overall.

Much luck!!!

 

[TongueFuCal]

great thank you, I know its long I figured id write too much then par it down

 

[TongueFuCal]

great thank you, I know its long I figured id write too much then par it down.

How about this as an opener?
“Find something you love to do, and do it well, for that is success,” is a maxim I have always lived by. While I possess a great deal of aptitude for business, spending the rest of my life in a rigid nine to five daily grind was never in my cards. Despite having put myself through school with income from the businesses that I started, I never saw myself fulfilling any true life goals in that respect. I needed a career in which I could thrive, one where I would always be learning, adapting and engaged. I have had a great fascination in the veterinary field in one capacity or another for as long as I can remember. Even as a child, I would eat my lunches watching surgery on The Learning Channel or using my toy veterinary kit on my harlequin Great Dane, Riva.



I cut down that paragraph a bit, it now reads:
When weighing my career options I posed a question to myself that helped me narrow down my choices. What lasting impression will I leave with my family, my friends and those who knew me through my profession? Would I have a far reaching effect on anyone’s quality of life or would the actions in my life be mostly self serving? After losing my best friend Brandon in an accidental death two years ago, this question resonated louder than ever. In writing my eulogy for Brandon, I came across a quote by a 19th century Confederate solider Albert Pike, “What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.” I am confident that through veterinary medicine and effective owner education I will be able to fulfill this aspiration and bring a better quality of life not only to the animals I care and in doing that, help the owners as well.

 

[Pomona2006]

The second paragraph that started "when weighing my career options" is MUCH better than your original version!

I would still work on that opener - you want it to be clear and concise while drawing the reader's attention. I feel like you have a lot of information in there - try to focus it a bit more. You might also consider that saying "9 to 5" isn't your thing is not necessarily going to be resolved by changing professions. Many vets do work 9 to 5. Believe me, as a non-trad applicant, I know that the "desk job" situation is what I hated more than the "9 to 5" - maybe you feel similarly?

Keep working at it - you're doing great! (and if you get stuck, leave it for a bit to clear your head and rest your eyes before coming back)

 

[TongueFuCal]

here's the most recent. made some drastic changes. fixed repetitiveness, deleted a paragraph, made things a bit more concise and focused....hopefully

 

[Angelo84]

It is much tighter and flows much better now. You are missing a few words.

I knew that career path was a dead. add end?

I believe my experience in the field, my life long commitment TO this career path and my interest in the sciences makes me an excellent candidate for veterinary school and my application to the class of 2013 should be given strong consideration for acceptance.

The other thing that bugged me was that your feference the confederate soldier quote and then state you would like to fulfill this prophecy--his quote isn't a prophecy it is a goal so I would change that.

Looks good! Good luck!

 

[TongueFuCal]

It is much tighter and flows much better now. You are missing a few words.

I knew that career path was a dead. add end?

I believe my experience in the field, my life long commitment TO this career path and my interest in the sciences makes me an excellent candidate for veterinary school and my application to the class of 2013 should be given strong consideration for acceptance.

The other thing that bugged me was that your feference the confederate soldier quote and then state you would like to fulfill this prophecy--his quote isn't a prophecy it is a goal so I would change that.

Looks good! Good luck!

fixed, fixed and changed to "realize this goal"

thank you🙂

 

[dpcdoc]

I would just add generally speaking, no negatives unless purposefully highlighting a strength. The first paragraph needs to be very, strong. Imagine you were on an adcom having to look at 900 applications. What in the 1st paragaraph makes me want to read deeper and find out the real why. Why does this individual need to be at our college. All the best!!